Stepdaughter Disrespectful and Aggressive: What Can We Do?

alica my niece is now working to be 18 .when she was 14 /15 her mom died short story .this woman has been around for a few yrs now an she married her dad . they dont get along any more she told her your not going for pizza with your dad or friends ect. she has 4 kids of her own an says wer e buying a biger house they will soon be out the door

The problem with kids now adays is lack of discipline.A couple of spankings would probably do wonders for this 11-yr.old.

My husband and I were married when my step-daughter was 7, I had two sons 11 &8. We had more problems with my oldest son and step-daughter. The main thing that I had to deal with was the statement "My mom didn't do it that way." We also had problems with alot of Little things that mounted to large things. The only thing I can say is, keep the rules of the house. Its hard, but my step-daughter is now 31 and I love her. I planned her wedding and have helped her with her own children. STAY STRONG. They grow up.

CLEARLY YOU NEED TO SET FIRM RULES IN PLACE
1.YOU CANT HAVE UGG BOOTS AND GET AN I-PHONE TOO
2.IF I TAKE YOU TO ABACROMBIE AND SPEND 500.WE CANT GO TO ARIPOSTAL
3.YOUR FRIENDS CAN ONLY SPEND 3 DAYS A WEEK HERE EATING AND DRINKING ME BROKE.
4.YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN ONLY TEXT YOU 200 TIMES A DAY.
5.I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU RIDES 6 DAYS A WEEK TO THE MALL
AND TO HANG OUT
IF YOU FOLLOW THIS SIMPLE GUIDE YOU WILL FIND YOU TWEEN WILL BE MUCH MORE HAPPIER WELL ADJUSTED PERSON AND HOPEFULLY WILL LIVE WITH YOU WELL INTO THERE EAIRLY THIRTYS!!

Just because the article didn't mention it, doesn't mean it didn't exist. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.

However, there are also some thoughtful suggestions for other causal possibilities - hormonal imbalance, (including thyroid problems), hidden molestation, and traumatic brain injury, which might manifest themselves in the daughter's toxic acting-out behavior independent of any emotional trauma from her father's remarriage.

That said, when things are done in the proper order - first the husband/father divorces (or is left by his wife), then he leaves time to be there for his children by not taking up with another woman, and then, after it is apparent that his children have adjusted well to the divorce, only then does he move into a new relationship, the children are much more likely to not act out in this way.

Again, where there's smoke, there's fire.

To the woman who commented make sure the first husband is happy and then he won't be going anywhere - how do you explain what happened to Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Elin Woods, now Courtney Cox, Elizabeth Edwards, Jackie Kennedy, and on and on? A wife and mother can be almost perfect, but if she is naive and trusting, then she won't know that her husband is putting his penis in another woman's vagina, as unbelievable as that may sound to you. There actually are some women left who believe their husbands. Unfortunately, many husbands take advantage of a trusting heart, and lie to her.

Adultery causing divorce is the norm, not the exception.

And yes, it does anger me how it tends to role model the opposite of that which our children have been taught to rely on....and have even been taught in school - integrity and committment. It does tend to break their hearts.

I am glad that there are some people who still get angry about injustices.

The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it. ~ Albert Einstein

Variant: The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.

Einstein's tribute to Pablos Casals (30 March 1953), in Conversations with Casals (1957), by Josep Maria Corredor, translated from Conversations avec Pablo Casals : souvenirs et opinions d'un musicien (1955).

This girl definitely needs therapy from a professional who deals with abusive behavior. It doesn't matter why she is hitting her father, she is being abusive and her father is tolerating it. Did her mother, also, get by with hitting her father? Women, too, can be spousal abusers. If this girl thinks it's ok to hit her father in rage, I pity any man who gets involved with her when she's older as she has a need to feel in control. Many children of divorce may feel hostile toward 1 parent and be disrespectful but few resort to physical violence. No amount of love or understanding is going to change this girl until the issue of why she feels that physical violence towards another is acceptable is addressed. Since she isn't hitting the step-mother, a pattern of abusing men may be developing.

Danna-Fascinating world you come from. I'm gonna go ahead and guess you grew up with a much shittier deal than some of us. However did you ever stop to think "hey maybe the kid is just a spoiled shit child reaching puberty"? Jeezus christ...molestation and brain injury? I can TELL you that it's hormonal imbalance, that's the age girls go through puberty and are all f-ed up in the head...add on top of that the fact there's a stepmom in the mix and it gets right into pitting one against the other so they can get whatever they want.

are we saying that the 11year old girl is blaming her stepfather for stealing away her mother from her 'real' (aka biological) father, & so she's beating him up for that reason?, why can't the stepfather have a conversation with her & ask her point-blank why she enjoys hating & hitting on him so very ludicrisly much for, because what could very likely happen is, it could be brought up in a court of law where they will deem it "medically necessary for you[11yr. old girl's] own safety as well as the safety of others to confine you in a nice establishment where they can help you with these seemingly uncontrollable outbursts...." ....

Gloria, wonderful comment. I'd say all of the above applies to one's own children as well. So many of these comments really sadden me. I'm raising my 7 year old granddaughter along with my son, as her mother just does not want to be a part of the family anymore. My son is living with me because of the economy and works for me. He's still paying off a huge debt his ex ran up before she left. Its not the ideal Ozzie and Harriet situation, and I'm not a stepmom but he is treated as head of the household and held in highest respect and I am sort of the Queen Mother, if you will. As it is my house, my rules apply. My granddaughter would never dream of raising her voice to her father, much less hitting him. He is totally respected and loved in our family. When I take her to the playground, or anywhere there are numbers of children present, we have opportunity to see all kinds of coping behaviors expressed. She is getting very good at identifying unproductive behavior that has been learned from other sources. I think it does help to teach a child to look at their own behavior, after the fact, in a calm setting and seek to analyze and understand what underlying thought processes led up to the inappropriate behavior. I do that with myself too, when I am annoyed with others, whether or not my irritation results in unfavorable behavior. Sometimes we just FEEL like hitting someone or something, but don't because we know from experience that it is not productive. What a great service you are providing stepparents, Gloria. Thank you.

LOVE ME! Why isn't that on the list? Children need love more than they need anything else. "Enjoy me" is very non-committal, and actually kind of weird. If you love a person who has children, but you don't love their children, you should not even think about marrying them. The step-mom in the orginal article is practically a stranger to the daughter. How is it that the father can decide to marry a person without taking that into consideration? The adults in the situation are acting incredibly selfishly. The child is right to be outraged, but not mature enough to communicate that in an effective way.

Step-parents have NO place disciplining a child that is NOT theirs. I had a stepdad who never did. He left it up to my mother. That is the ONLY reason I was able to accept him. I knew who the hell my father was and my stepdad was NOT him. Don't do it step-parents, they are not your kids. Read Dr.Phil and get a clue. The only time a step-parent can come into a child's life and discipline them is if they entered that child's life before the child was 3.

How can this be anywhere "normal" for an 11 year old or any child for that matter? I am a stepmother and while my girls were no where near perfect they sure never laid a hand on either of us or acted this way. This is NOT normal behavior nor should it be tolerated. to allow the little brat to go live with the mother is showing her that she can do what she wants and still get her way. BULLSH**!

I agree with some others, spank her, ground her, make her go to her her room without a TV and computer and games or books. A bed and dresser and that's it. And no 11 year old needs a cell phone with all the bells and whistles either.
We coddle kids these days WAYYYY too much
Who is in charge here? The parent or the kid? Clearly the kid now thinks she is because she IS!

Kira, I have step-daughters who live with us & guess what? I discipline them & they still respect me greatly. I don't PHYSICALLY discipline them, but I do ground them or impose other punishments. When they were younger & needed to get a swat to the butt, my hubby did it, but we've decided they're too old for that now. I've known them since they were 5 & 7, they came to live with us when they were 9 & 11 (they are now 14& almost 16). They have no respect for their mother because she DOESN'T discipline them & is more worried about being a friend than a parent(she was also found to be an unfit parent after having custody of them for 3 years). And I know they respect me because they always come to me with their problems, always tell me how well they did in school looking for my approval/praise & want to go everywhere with me....but I also enforce the rules just as my husband does. If a step-parent is going to help raise a child (monetarily, physically & emotionally) & be a part of the child's life, then yes, they do get to discipline & enforce the rules in a fair & loving manner so that the kids can grow up to be good human beings. Maybe with my husband & I both being military, it's just a whole different mind set....perhaps or perhaps not.

It is normal for any and/all children of divorced parents to respond with anger or jealousy to the parent and/or the step-parent when they pick a new mate that is not the original parent no matter how long they were divorced before the union happened...This happens also to parents where the spouse has passed away. Step-parents should be permitted to implement consequences for negative behavior as it is their home, too, and they are a member of the family. The goal is to raising well balanced children...Hopefully, considerate and respectful is in this description of well balanced.

Amen. Limits. This is what we stand for, this is what is not allowed. You have every right to sulk, scream, moan and groan, etc., ...in your room. You never have the right to curse me, strike me, or anyone else in my family. Ask her once, then give her 2 options: Do what I ask, or pack ur bags.
My Dad told me: "Son, I've told you everything I know about self defense..except for one thing. You ever raise your hand against me..I'll show you that ONE thing!" Guess what? I never raised a hand to him. I don't see a problem here that couldn't be solved in less than 24 hours. Perhaps I should farm out my services?

Yes, by all means stay in a marriage even if you are so unhappy that you wake up daily and look for new ways to kill yourself. That will sure help the kids! And I am sure that is what YOUR God wants too. Be miserable just as long as you do not divorce! There are a lot of "words of God" in the bible that we THANKFULLY don't practice today. Sometimes things just don't work out! God knows this! So please, stop preaching.
As a child of divorce, I was sad but my Mother told me that things don't always work out the way we want them too, but I was loved by both and would still see both parents just at different times and to deal w/ it. PERIOD I knew that she wouldn't tolerate my misbehaving, not for a second. She never did. Maybe that is the difference. She never coddled me. I think that this father needs to simply grow a pair! Let her know that he understands her pain but her behavior will have consequences. Then stick to it!