Stepdaughter Disrespectful and Aggressive: What Can We Do?

Jo ,speaking of truth I think you need to ask yourself if maybe you have anger issues about marriage and divorce,,hum? Marriage vows are,nt to be taken lightly but divorce is,nt a sin. Sin may be the cause for the divorce i,ll give yah that. I don,t think a church should make divorce sound O K and I don,t think people try hard enough .I really feel for the children who have mothers that got pregnant just to manuver a man into marriage (thats a sinking ship right there) that it self is a marriage based on sin , and I hardly belive it could be the kind of love ,honor and obey vows Gods talking about.The marriage vows still work today for people who have a good start and who start their families after marriage and whos marriage is by the heart..I was placed into a marriage by my parents( long story short)really had no options,this was arrangened by two all american families.It,s been a nightmare for me to say the least ,the mental abuse and treatment by him I will never forgive. My children now 35 and 40 tell me to get a divorce if I don,t like it but now I,m nearly 60 yes i wish i had divorced or left and maybe even lived homeless untill I could,ve did better,GOD KNOWS. I now have problems health wise i,m scared.My children learned to respect me about as well as he has. What a great story ,but I did all the right things including honoring my parents. Jo I think you might have underlying problems, and thats ok I understand.

The source of the girl in the article's rage is probably how flippantly her dad tossed aside her mom, and chose the stepmom not only over her mom, but also over herself. She is 11. She has not perfected self-soothing. In a way, outward rage is better than rage turned inward, for when righteous rage is suppressed, it comes out sideways in all sorts of harmful-to-self ways like depression, cutting, eating disorders, drug/alcohol use, and early sex to distract from the soul level pain of having no control over one's father's abandonment of his promises (under God, in most wedding ceremonies) to her mother. Let no man tear apart that which God put together. This poor girl is one of the few left who are "unsocialized" enough to show her righteous indignation. God says it's okay to be angry (he is, quite often), but He says do not sin when you're angry.

The exception to working out one's differences in order to remain an intact family, for the greatest security for the children, is when there is husband on wife domestic violence, whether it's physical or verbal/emotional, adultery, (there's a correlation between adultery and dv....why should a husband change his disdain for his wife when plan B bimbo is willing to be an open vagina pacifier for him....a way from him to run away from his responsibilities, including his responsibility to change for the better), unchanging alcoholism or drug addiction.

Paradoxically, when there are those toxicities in a household....when the father basically chooses his proclivities and himself over his wife and children....then it is better to role model to the children that a wife does not toerate that type of offense against her and their children, and she should divorce him.

Now, when the events unfold in this manner, it is highly UNlikely that the children will be enraged over the divorce. Instead, they will see it as a nautural and just consequence of a bad behavior, and the unwillingness to change for the better.

Yes, their hearts will be hurt....for it always hurts to see a parent not do whatever it takes to change for the better in order to keep the family together....but their hearts will not hurt to the level that this little girl in this story is hurt.

The therapist above had excellent suggestions. Her approach is the right one. The only thing she is missing is to advise the father on how he should be authentic and how he should apologize....deeply....for breaking up the marriage to her mother.....for abandoning her mother.....in order to marry the step mom. Then he should prove that he is sorry with his actions. In today's world, that means not only choosing extra time with her, but also making sure that her college and other monetary needs are taken care of BEFORE the needs of the stepmom. (This would include making sure his first wife / her mother's financial needs are taken care of, if it is the case that the father earns more than her mother.)

Those things would take the edge off immensely. This is not brain surgery. It's pretty simple. I am astounded how few people get this stuff.

Confess, repent (for real, not for fake), and prove it's real by paying restitution. I believe that the Biblical standard is 7 times what you've taken.

If men, husbands, and fathers would get back to taking their responsibilities seriously, then our world would be a much better place.

Danna - spoken like a true jaded ex-wife. Take care of your husband the frist time and he won't look for "plan B". As with marriage, divorce is a two way street - quit blaming the "step mom" who now has to step in and clean up your mess.

@ Lisa, Maybe you need to grow up and realize that when you have kids, a divorce involves more than just you and your spouse!

RE: Lisa and John's comments: Lisa is right. More harm will come to the children if you remain together and are miseable. John, a divorce is often the best option for the children as well.

To the writer who said: "that statement was spoken to the Jewish community when the bethrothal period was what was spoken of about divorce" and to run from the church which teaches that...I don't see your reasoning. The betrothal period is the engagement period - not a marriage. Secondly, one cannot 'get a divorce' during a betrothal (engagement) period. Third, THE BIBLE is where I saw the correct information - which is "If the marriage bed be defiled, then the injured party can petition and be granted a divorce." PERIOD. Defiled means infidelity to the marriage. The church does not say Get a Divorce ASAP, even in the case of cheating. BUT - THE BIBLE says it is an option if either party has broken that vow. You said 'read up on vows.' Well, promising to cleave to one's own wife/husband is one of the vows. Read the BIBLE and be enlightened.

Danna - Please remember that no where in the article did it say that the father left the family for the step-mother - What comes to mind in this aticle is that the dad has custody which means that he is the stable person - and probably the one who did not violate the marriage. But then perhaps this is just a case of the marriage didnt work and the child had a say, altho only 11 had a say where she wanted to be. Unfortunately children do not understand the world through divorce and they need to be reminded that they are loved and their feelings are important. More than likely she doesnt understand her own outbreaks and does not know how to express herself in a positive manner. That is where both - all parents involved need to come together and work with her to help her understand and learn to love herself as a worth while individual. Yes - Therapy is the best route - not just for the 11 yr old child but for the family as a unit - alone and together! I am a child of divorce, a divorced mother - a step-mother and a foster mother - I raised 9 boys and also hold a masters and am a child therapist. Even with all of my credentials - I too had to look for assistance to get through - What I did learn was to love myself for who I am and give the children love, understanding and guidance - allowing them the right to say what they feel without judgement.

I agree with Lisa! Everybody has differn't beliefs but as far as I know God can and has changed his mind. I'll give an example, In the old test. He said pork was a no no to eat but yet the new test. says its o.k. I also know of another but you get my drift.

Jo, can you show me in the Bible, where these marriage vows are located?

Cindy.
start with Malachi 2:16
Mark 10
Mathew 19
Matthew 5:27 a sermon given to a Jewish population who believes in a betrothal period of a yr... Joseph could have done this with Mary
Mathew 5:33 teaches about oaths or vows
Proverbs 20:25

@ Gab, spoken like a true Plan B Vagina and sperm receptacle of cheating husbands.

You seem to feel that divorce is a jolly good choice for sinners, but has no place in a Christian's life. Right? Well, that sounds sanctimonious and totally naive. You pick just the part of the Bible which suits your stance. God knows that divorce is necessary in human life when that life is unbearable. He does not deny the right to marry again either. I bet you have some other fundamentalist ideas that keep you in line and seek to keep others in that same strangle hold. I was divorced from an abusive husband...no staying "for the children." I did not remarry for over 25 years. When I did, I got two stepdaughters in the bargain who still, after almost 11 years, want nothing to do with me. I tried for five years to make friends of them...42 and 44 years of age...to no avail. So, now in the following five years, husband spends his quality time with these daughters and I spend that quality time with blessed quality time of my own. No answers for middle aged adult children with children of their own who refuse to cooperate with a remarriage. Counseling for me showed me to give it up...and so I did...without giving up the husband.

Just because the article didn't mention it, doesn't mean it didn't exist. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire.

However, there are also some thoughtful suggestions for other causal possibilities - hormonal imbalance, (including thyroid problems), hidden molestation, and traumatic brain injury, which might manifest themselves in the daughter's toxic acting-out behavior independent of any emotional trauma from her father's remarriage.

That said, when things are done in the proper order - first the husband/father divorces (or is left by his wife), then he leaves time to be there for his children by not taking up with another woman, and then, after it is apparent that his children have adjusted well to the divorce, only then does he move into a new relationship, the children are much more likely to not act out in this way.

Again, where there's smoke, there's fire.

To the woman who commented make sure the first husband is happy and then he won't be going anywhere - how do you explain what happened to Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Elin Woods, now Courtney Cox, Elizabeth Edwards, Jackie Kennedy, and on and on? A wife and mother can be almost perfect, but if she is naive and trusting, then she won't know that her husband is putting his penis in another woman's vagina, as unbelievable as that may sound to you. There actually are some women left who believe their husbands. Unfortunately, many husbands take advantage of a trusting heart, and lie to her.

Adultery causing divorce is the norm, not the exception.

And yes, it does anger me how it tends to role model the opposite of that which our children have been taught to rely on....and have even been taught in school - integrity and committment. It does tend to break their hearts.

I am glad that there are some people who still get angry about injustices.

The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it. ~ Albert Einstein

Variant: The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.

Einstein's tribute to Pablos Casals (30 March 1953), in Conversations with Casals (1957), by Josep Maria Corredor, translated from Conversations avec Pablo Casals : souvenirs et opinions d'un musicien (1955).

Amen to you! More people should consider not having children just because they can.

I understand the pain and frustration a child feels as a result of a divorce. However it is no excuse for this type of behavior. Yes, any child will test the limits. As adults we must set the limits and enforce them. Hits her father? What? I agree Orlando. Weak parents afraid of their children. You don't ask the child to do anything, you instruct them and be clear on the cosequences if they do not comply. Most importantly, follow up on the consequences and be consistant.
I speak from experience. My daughter came to live with me and my second wife. She began acting out almost immediately. We tried all the negotiations and counseling to no avail. The one time she came at me with a kitchen knife was the last time. I had her arrested and charged with assault. From there I had her committed to a state institution. Yes it was painful for me. It broke my heart. If I had given into her please to be released and her natural mothers nagging about how could I do this, my daughter would be dead. I am happy to say after a few years, she graduated college with a Bachelors degree, is now married and I have a grandson.
Nip itt in the bud. You are the adult, act like one.
Thank you , Orlando, you seem to be the only one with a grip on the situation.

Orlando: That is a response which gave no help to the subject at all.
To Lisa - Jo did not say one had to stay in an unhappy marriage. She said get out BUT don't get married again. I think when children are involved in a marriage it is always best to stay unmarried after a split as the children are usually made to suffer from the utter confusion of step-parents and 'blended' families.

I have lived in South America for 8 years and if a parent hits a child with its sandals or put the kid in a dark room or any other kind of aggression as punishment, they will loose the child and go to jail for at least 15 years. I don't know where are you from, but you have no idea what are you talking about. Maybe you think that way because of what happened to you. However, I believe that the key is to instruct, educate and love your children. That's it.!

This is for Bougleux

What country did /do you live in. Are you telling us that all the countries in S.America have the same laws? On second thought are you even aware that there is more then one country in S. America? Best not to generalize if you get my drift.