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Stepdaughter Disrespectful and Aggressive: What Can We Do?
Filed under: Behavior: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My stepdaughter recently moved in with her mom because she disrespected everyone here, especially her dad. She hits him, curses at him and recently broke a picture frame over his arm. If you ask her not to act that way she becomes more angry and does it more. She's only 11. Is there help out there for her? What should we do?
Signed,
Concerned Stepmom
Dear Concerned,
Your stepdaughter is one hurting child. It would be easy to dismiss her actions as simply the out of control behavior of a little girl who needs to be disciplined; I suspect many readers might just tell you to keep her away or punish her more severely.
But what I know from thousands of hours of listening to people as a therapist is that underneath that kind of rage is tremendous pain. While I can't tell you what, specifically, has caused this kind of hurt for her, it's clear that her acting out is at least in part a result of unexpressed anger that's finding it's way out into the world in the form of aggression.
Here's my advice:
Let her stay at her mom's for now, because it does no good to any of you to let her get away with violent outbursts. But do make sure that your husband -- and you, to some degree -- stay connected with her. He should be sure to call her each day, and to take her out for meals, walks, movies or bowling. The more he nourishes a genuine attachment with his daughter, the less inclined she'll be to rage at him.
Consider counseling. Your stepdaughter needs help getting to the root of her anger, and your husband needs to learn how to help her safely vent her frustrations and sorrow. Given the severity of her aggression, I would strongly encourage you to get some professional help before her impulsivity and mood instabilities escalate as she moves into adolescence, perhaps with more serious implications.
Give your stepdaughter the opportunity to feel seen and cherished by you and her father. Even if she's awful at times, she no doubt also has wonderful qualities that deserve to be acknowledged. If all the focus is on how terrible she is, she'll eventually come to believe that she's, well, terrible, keeping her in the cycle of "proving" how bad she is.
Don't give up on your stepdaughter. As disruptive -- and maybe scary -- as her behavior has been, there is a wounded child underneath the tough exterior. The sweet and real version of her is in there; help her rediscover who she is under the hurt, both for her benefit, and that of your family.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My stepdaughter recently moved in with her mom because she disrespected everyone here, especially her dad. She hits him, curses at him and recently broke a picture frame over his arm. If you ask her not to act that way she becomes more angry and does it more. She's only 11. Is there help out there for her? What should we do?
Signed,
Concerned Stepmom
Dear Concerned,
Your stepdaughter is one hurting child. It would be easy to dismiss her actions as simply the out of control behavior of a little girl who needs to be disciplined; I suspect many readers might just tell you to keep her away or punish her more severely.
But what I know from thousands of hours of listening to people as a therapist is that underneath that kind of rage is tremendous pain. While I can't tell you what, specifically, has caused this kind of hurt for her, it's clear that her acting out is at least in part a result of unexpressed anger that's finding it's way out into the world in the form of aggression.
Here's my advice:
Let her stay at her mom's for now, because it does no good to any of you to let her get away with violent outbursts. But do make sure that your husband -- and you, to some degree -- stay connected with her. He should be sure to call her each day, and to take her out for meals, walks, movies or bowling. The more he nourishes a genuine attachment with his daughter, the less inclined she'll be to rage at him.
Consider counseling. Your stepdaughter needs help getting to the root of her anger, and your husband needs to learn how to help her safely vent her frustrations and sorrow. Given the severity of her aggression, I would strongly encourage you to get some professional help before her impulsivity and mood instabilities escalate as she moves into adolescence, perhaps with more serious implications.
Give your stepdaughter the opportunity to feel seen and cherished by you and her father. Even if she's awful at times, she no doubt also has wonderful qualities that deserve to be acknowledged. If all the focus is on how terrible she is, she'll eventually come to believe that she's, well, terrible, keeping her in the cycle of "proving" how bad she is.
Don't give up on your stepdaughter. As disruptive -- and maybe scary -- as her behavior has been, there is a wounded child underneath the tough exterior. The sweet and real version of her is in there; help her rediscover who she is under the hurt, both for her benefit, and that of your family.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 12)
11-20-2010 @ 7:11AM
MJ said...This kid is in pain. In no way has she adjusted to the parents divorce. She is acting out for sure. Patience and love has to be shown to her. She absolutely needs time with Daddy - alone!! No restrictions by her step-mother. I know I was one of those little girls, my father understood, but my MOTHER got jealous. Be patient with her or it will surely affect her forever!! Good Luck and LOVE!!!
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 11:28AM
Pam said...I agree. That's the first thing I thought. Daughters and fathers have a special bond. She needs time alone with her Dad to reassure her that despite the divorce, she is still the most important thing in his life. She shouldn't be allowed to get away with her behavior either. She needs to know that she will be punished for her outbursts. But punishment by itself, as a few people have mentioned, won't work.
11-20-2010 @ 2:29PM
Danna said...The way to get her to buy in to "not letting her get away with" that behavior is to explain to her how other people who have not experienced the pain of divorce that she has just won't get it. They will misinterpret her acting in this way that she is somehow bad or at fault. Not fair, but that's the reality. Plus, years later, if her behavior has been ingrained....made habit....this type of acting out will pop out in situations that do not warrant it, and then, people will not "get it" even more, and she will feel misunderstood even more. Downward spiral.
In other words, show empathy and understanding that her anger is justified right now, but at the same time, show her the long term benefit to her in stopping the behavior, and replacing it with other less toxic ways of communicating her needs and her hurts.
11-20-2010 @ 9:17PM
Alicia said...Agreed. I think some love and understanding and open communication are more in order here than punishment. Punishment will only enrage and hurt her more. Not saying this behavior is acceptable, but punishing without listening to her will do no good. Laying firm rules and then asking for her side of the story, her feelings and why she is acting this way will do more good.
11-20-2010 @ 7:12AM
Jane said...Kids who behave like this usually have parents who are pushovers.
The kids run the show and they know mom/dad or both are dish rags they can control.
If parents take control like parents, the kids won't act this way.
I can't imagine what kind of man? lets his 11 year old daughter hit him and cuss at him. Are you kidding me?
I'm not saying for parents to be tyrants, but get some ba**s for gosh sakes.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:14AM
Jane said...No one is interested in your bogus trash site, spammer.
Really.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:20AM
BigRRetiree said...What she really needs first of all is for one of the parents or step parents to knock her on her ass, when she gets up, slap the sh__ out of her and tell her that there is plenty more for her if needed. She wants to act violent, well, it is a 2-way street. She won't like having it come back at her. Forget the shrinks, old fashioned punishment is what she needs. Never apologize for punishing her, let her know who the authority is, once she know for sure I believe she will curb her violent spells. You use what works as often as needed. The Bible never told parents to take a kid to the shrink, or let the government tell you how to punish the child. YOU are the parent, YOU are the boss. Now act like it. Never, never let a child strike at a parent without immediate punishment. My son had very few spankings and never twice for the same thing. He always knew that I meant what I said.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 10:16AM
carlalute said...It's possible she's this angry, because she's already being abused. We know very little about this girl, and it's all from the step mothers p.o.v. It's one thing to inforce steady discipline. It's another to "smack her around". The latter will just make her angrier.
11-20-2010 @ 10:39AM
Henry said...Because of the LAWS she knows she can do what ever the hell she wants to, she probably threatens them that she'll call the police if they whip her, so LET THE GOVERNMENT HAVE HER. SEND HER A$$ AWAY. Thats why you see these damn kids killing people and their own parents, That's what our Government wants.
11-20-2010 @ 7:23AM
jeffrey lebowski said...buy her off
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:28AM
Daria said...Chances are, this girl has been allowed to get away with disrespectful behavior long before now. They are typical parents who have enabled their kids' bad behavior. Her parents should have been laying the law down when she was a toddler. Families need to be run like a wolf pack/dictatorship. With the parents as the two alpha members or heirarchy -- and the kids as the subordinates. No exceptions! Parents also oneed to put the word NO back into their vocabulary, and make it stick! That's why so many families these days have kids who control THEM. No respect for their superiors. Good luck.
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11-20-2010 @ 7:31AM
Dawn said...IF SO MANY OF YOU AE SO 'TOUGH LOVE' ON YOUR KIDS THEN WHY IS THIS GENERATION SO LACKING. I MEAN, GO ANYWHERE AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM AND YOU WILL AGREE THAT MOST ARE LAZY SLOBS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO COMMON SENSE AND NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE! WHAT HAPPENED TO SIMPLE MANNERS????? YEA, YOU'RE DOING A BANG UP JOB PARENTS!
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11-20-2010 @ 7:39AM
mom said...PLEASE first make sure there are no other problems that your child is dealing with such as thyroid imbalance and or being molested. Both my daughter was dealing with and was out of control and it took many fights and doctors for this to surface.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:36AM
Jim said...Maybe the posters who profess "tough love" happen to be baby boomers who are are simply commenting on the NEW GENERATION's method of child-rearing. Think before you speak.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:47AM
to JIM said...and maybe they are not. If you don't have something to say about the article please go away. I don't need your lessons.
11-20-2010 @ 7:38AM
Jusus said...There's nothing wrong with your step daughter, you just don't beat her hard enough.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 7:41AM
MomOfThree said...I love when therapists swear they are the authorities particularly when they've never experienced the situation. The underlying issue is that this child - just like others in the same situation - are simply angry that their parents aren't together anymore and figure they can get away with any negative behavior since neither parent wants to be the disciplinarian lest the child "hate" him or her. Giving in to this behavior in this case by letting the child live with her mother does more harm than good. The child becomes delusional by believing she can always have her way and it gives the appearance that either her father but more likely the stepmother was cruel to her and her mother is enabling this behavior rather than helping correct it. To suggest that the father spend time with the child doing things she would enjoy and only occassionally including the stepmother will further encourage the negative behavior of the child as she will undoubtedly act out only when the stepmother is around and that will ruin the child's plan of forcing the end of the marriage and bringing her parents back together.
All this coddling attitude has only created the society of little monsters and bullies we have today that either commit violent crimes or commit suicide. Discpline needs to return to the forefront if we are to save the next generation and ourselves. Children should never control parents but parents should always control children.
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11-20-2010 @ 1:10PM
Bougleux said...You are simply pathetic. Its not about control. These are children, not toys that you do whatever you want with them. THEY ARE NOT ROBOTS!
11-20-2010 @ 7:52AM
j said...Lisa... sorry, but nowhere did in my post say to be unhappy and that my God (who is the God who has a son named Jesus and a Holy Spirit) would not be there for you... it is just that people look everywhere for solutions except for God ... it is HIS word His thoughts and He is the one who wrote the manual... sorry if you have a different manual and choose to pick and choose... God heals broken hearts and wants our happiness after our obedience, because without the obedience you cannot find the true happiness that God can give... you are one angry person. Sorry for all the hurt in your life... but I have walked through this myself and I chose to listen to what God wanted and there were many, many tears heartbreaks and miserable days... but my obedience paid off ... God spoke to my heart when all this happened... and asked me if I lied to HIM when I said til death do us part... thought provoking... AND YES I WAS SUICIDAL MANY, MANY TIMES... THAT IS WHY YOU MUST SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SOLID CHRISTIANS WHO WILL HOLD YOU AND LOVE YOU THROUGH THE MANY NIGHTS OF TERROR... SO please do not try and rewrite my story... kids are victims... and my kids were protected by knowing that their father WAS NOT the enemy ... satan was... guess who is winning the war in this battle .. of divorce... yep satan... back in the 60's Kruschev said he would never have to go to war with us... he would get us from within... by destroying families... maybe you need to do some real soul searching... Also... look at your language and the crudeness... and wonder what is wrong?
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11-20-2010 @ 7:54AM
Katie said...Did you ever think this behavior could be due to hormonal changes? This child is 11 years old, she could be ready to start her period or maybe her period has already started. We do remember PMS?? I work in an OB/GYN office, and I can't begin to tell you all the stories Moms have about their daughters and how "nasty" they became due to hormonal changes. Once they took their daughter to the doctors and did bloodwork and exam, they found the root of the problem.Their daughters are now totally happy and better due to treatment. Just a thought.
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