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Stepdaughter Disrespectful and Aggressive: What Can We Do?
Filed under: Behavior: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My stepdaughter recently moved in with her mom because she disrespected everyone here, especially her dad. She hits him, curses at him and recently broke a picture frame over his arm. If you ask her not to act that way she becomes more angry and does it more. She's only 11. Is there help out there for her? What should we do?
Signed,
Concerned Stepmom
Dear Concerned,
Your stepdaughter is one hurting child. It would be easy to dismiss her actions as simply the out of control behavior of a little girl who needs to be disciplined; I suspect many readers might just tell you to keep her away or punish her more severely.
But what I know from thousands of hours of listening to people as a therapist is that underneath that kind of rage is tremendous pain. While I can't tell you what, specifically, has caused this kind of hurt for her, it's clear that her acting out is at least in part a result of unexpressed anger that's finding it's way out into the world in the form of aggression.
Here's my advice:
Let her stay at her mom's for now, because it does no good to any of you to let her get away with violent outbursts. But do make sure that your husband -- and you, to some degree -- stay connected with her. He should be sure to call her each day, and to take her out for meals, walks, movies or bowling. The more he nourishes a genuine attachment with his daughter, the less inclined she'll be to rage at him.
Consider counseling. Your stepdaughter needs help getting to the root of her anger, and your husband needs to learn how to help her safely vent her frustrations and sorrow. Given the severity of her aggression, I would strongly encourage you to get some professional help before her impulsivity and mood instabilities escalate as she moves into adolescence, perhaps with more serious implications.
Give your stepdaughter the opportunity to feel seen and cherished by you and her father. Even if she's awful at times, she no doubt also has wonderful qualities that deserve to be acknowledged. If all the focus is on how terrible she is, she'll eventually come to believe that she's, well, terrible, keeping her in the cycle of "proving" how bad she is.
Don't give up on your stepdaughter. As disruptive -- and maybe scary -- as her behavior has been, there is a wounded child underneath the tough exterior. The sweet and real version of her is in there; help her rediscover who she is under the hurt, both for her benefit, and that of your family.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My stepdaughter recently moved in with her mom because she disrespected everyone here, especially her dad. She hits him, curses at him and recently broke a picture frame over his arm. If you ask her not to act that way she becomes more angry and does it more. She's only 11. Is there help out there for her? What should we do?
Signed,
Concerned Stepmom
Dear Concerned,
Your stepdaughter is one hurting child. It would be easy to dismiss her actions as simply the out of control behavior of a little girl who needs to be disciplined; I suspect many readers might just tell you to keep her away or punish her more severely.
But what I know from thousands of hours of listening to people as a therapist is that underneath that kind of rage is tremendous pain. While I can't tell you what, specifically, has caused this kind of hurt for her, it's clear that her acting out is at least in part a result of unexpressed anger that's finding it's way out into the world in the form of aggression.
Here's my advice:
Let her stay at her mom's for now, because it does no good to any of you to let her get away with violent outbursts. But do make sure that your husband -- and you, to some degree -- stay connected with her. He should be sure to call her each day, and to take her out for meals, walks, movies or bowling. The more he nourishes a genuine attachment with his daughter, the less inclined she'll be to rage at him.
Consider counseling. Your stepdaughter needs help getting to the root of her anger, and your husband needs to learn how to help her safely vent her frustrations and sorrow. Given the severity of her aggression, I would strongly encourage you to get some professional help before her impulsivity and mood instabilities escalate as she moves into adolescence, perhaps with more serious implications.
Give your stepdaughter the opportunity to feel seen and cherished by you and her father. Even if she's awful at times, she no doubt also has wonderful qualities that deserve to be acknowledged. If all the focus is on how terrible she is, she'll eventually come to believe that she's, well, terrible, keeping her in the cycle of "proving" how bad she is.
Don't give up on your stepdaughter. As disruptive -- and maybe scary -- as her behavior has been, there is a wounded child underneath the tough exterior. The sweet and real version of her is in there; help her rediscover who she is under the hurt, both for her benefit, and that of your family.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 12)
11-20-2010 @ 7:58AM
InMichigan8897 said...@BigRRetiree Thank you for saying it! No wonder this country is going to he** in a hand basket. So many parents these days allow their children to dictate and make way too many decisions. BRR...ever think of running in the next election? ;)
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 6:10PM
mike jeffries said...One thing you have to consider is that your step-daughter may be a victim of parental alienation -- a destructive family dynamic where one parent damages, and in some cases destroys, a previously loving, normal relationship between the child and the child's other parent.
Unresolved emotional issues drive the alienating parent to pull the child into the adult conflict. At that point the parent and child form an unhealthy co-dpendent relationship that often leaves little room for the other parent. You'r step-daughter's anger could be a manifestation of the inappropriate words and actions of the other parent.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 11:20AM
Danna said...Mike,
A first wife / the real mother does not have to say a word. The father alienates himself to his children all on his own with his actions that have proven that he chose himself and his own happiness above that of his children. (Children are hurt at a soul level when their father abandons their mother.)
The weed grows back unless the root is dug out.
Come out of denial....be authentic....and trace back the dominos to the real root of "alienation."
Children of divorce of 4 times more likely to be divorced themselves, just like children of abusers are likely to become abusers themselves (or marry one), and children of adulterers are likely to become adulterers, and / or children who have been molested are more prone to become molestors.
Divorce is akin to emotional abuse / emotional molesting to children. Without authenticity and real apology for a parent choosing oneself over his children (a father is supposed to be sacrificial and provisional, not self-serving), he will have forever alienated himself from his children on one level or another.
He does it to himself. Why are men so loathe to realize that there are real consequences to their self serving actions? Instead, they come up with a whiney, baby syndrome, "parental alienation."
What happens more often is that the father alienates the children from the mother by role modeling his disdain for her not only while he is still in the marriage and the home, but also by demonstrating his abandonment of her.
Thanks God that God knows the real truth of the situation. Fathers who have committed adultery, then divorced and remarried the homewrecker, can not fool God with their cries of "parental alienation."
11-20-2010 @ 8:15AM
Sammy said...Why didn't the girl live with her mother?
At 9 yrs. old she has too much on her plate...broken original
family. Stepmom seems like a nice woman but the girl's sitution may be too much for the 9 yr. old. In school teachers see too many kids from broken homes as I have...less money, less supervision, disagreements from mates....so you can see how a child may view her life. Although this may not prevail in this household. Sometimes divorce is necessary. Good luck to stepmom..and family. Prayer helps ..gives peace.
it will take time....P.S. There may be other things going on with the child
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 9:13AM
Leonn said...This is a result of STATES not letting you discipline your child as you see fit, is what happen back during the early and middle 1900s..nowadays there are laws simply which is my opinion is that when integration started back during the late sixties and early seventies some of the white law makers made sure that minorities didn't put a hand on their child,(the trick is to put fear in the child when they are at a very young age like most parents did back in the day and when they become teenagers you don't have to worry about this type of behavior, you couldn't have paid the children I help raised to act out as this child did to her father, my children knew that if they would have hit me or even cursed at me what the consequences would have been although they are all adults now and we all get along just fine
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:25AM
Sammy said...perfect.
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11-20-2010 @ 8:18AM
DJ said...Gee whiz golly - ever consider that Daddums might be molesting her?
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:18AM
jorgebrito2 said...WOW! She needs to go to military school.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:20AM
FRANKIE L.I.N.Y. said...WITH NORMAL KIDS ALL YOU HAVETO DO IS GIVE THEM THAT LOOK OR SEND THEM TO THEIR ROOM AND READ A BOOK, ME AND MY BROTHERS HATED THAT, BUT A GOOD OLD FASHION SPANKING IS PERFECT A KID NEEDS THAT OR HE LOOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU, HE NEEDS THAT THING IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND IF I DO THIS MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME ATITUDE IF NOT AND YOU JUST SEND HIM TO HIS ROOM WEAR HE'S GOT HIS COMPUTER OR VIDIO GAME WHAT IS THAT GOING TO DO NOTHING.
ME AND MY BROTHERS MY MOTHER USE TO WAIT TILL MY FATHER CAME HOME AND HAD A FEW, THIS WAY HE DID NOT FEEL SO BAD WHEN HE HIT US, WE TURN OUT OK AND WE STILL LOVED OUR PARENTS TO DATE.
SO THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS A OOD SPANKING DON'T HURT AND WHEN I MEAN SPANK I MEAN ACROSS THE ASS NOT THE FACE.
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11-20-2010 @ 8:26AM
Rose said...Slap the Little Girl, she is the child, treat her as such. Otherwise she is going to start doing the same thing to people that will Slap her and probably hurt very bad. I am sure we will soon see her on the news being recorded getting her butt kicked. And when that happens it will be your fault, for not handling the problem.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 9:06AM
Lucy said...Rose, my mother used to slap me regularly when I was little. When I was 14, I had had enough and was big enough, athletic enough to beat the crap out of her when she yet again, slapped me for some infraction. Sorry, physical punishment is not always the answer. In fact, it is seldom the answer. One thing is for sure; we never forget it. It fostered a 'get even' attitude in me that I have had to work hard to overcome. I wonder where you developed the idea that slapping is a right response for misbehavior? Wrong, wrong, wrong answer, hon.
11-20-2010 @ 8:28AM
Betts said...How long has this child acted this way? How many times has she been violent? If it is a chronic problem, and nothing you have done is helping, then tell her that unless she begins to "shape up" you will be sending her to a "disciplinary school/boot camp" where she will be removed from her family, friends, and privileges. Be serious, show her the brochures..take her there to tour the facility, and let her see for herself how serious you are about her bad behavior. Kids need to know that their bad behavior will not be tolerated..once reality smacks them square in the face, problem solved!
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:29AM
34t2346 said...Ehh I don't buy it.I don't believe this child just became violent and angry.I believe kids give back to parents what the parents gave them.This girl had something happen to her more then just she doesn't like her parents not being together.The article doesn't even say if the parents were even together.Not to mention she is only doing this to the dad no one else.Time for the child shrink and for the dad and mom to look at there role in the making of this angry child!!
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11-20-2010 @ 8:33AM
Tyrone said...Take her out back and plant a size 12, women ruin everything
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:37AM
Fred said...If you do not know the Lord, get on your knees now and seek Him with all your heart. Humble yourself before Him and seek his ways. 'Seek him while he may still be found, while today is still called today' as the book says. The answers will be found in a new heart. "I will turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children." Divorce is a mind splitting strike to a young person's mind and heart. It should be avoided at almost all costs. I am a high school teacher and divorce and remarriage is an atomic bomb that is exploding in the country. I do not think the nation can survive much more of it. It is madness. The kids are horribly damaged. Yes, some recover, but it is a long hard road.
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11-20-2010 @ 5:52PM
jo said...thank you Fred...most people care only about their own happiness and have no clue about self sacrificing... you do not have to stay in an abusive dangerous situation, but if you are a Christian then you cannot ignore the scripture thats tells you to either reconcile or remain single...God gives grace to your obedience.
11-20-2010 @ 8:38AM
william e rauh said...She might be acting out because of a multitude of reasons but that is no excuse for this behavior. My son son cussed at me one time. I took my hand and "abusd" him. Slapped him as hard as I could right on the mouth. He NEVER used a cuss word in front of me EVER again. That was almost 20 years ago. He is 31 now.
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11-20-2010 @ 8:45AM
william e rauh said...Another thing you can try is to call the juvenile authorities. Once THEY got finished with her she might straighten up. In this day and age when 11 year olds are acting grown up and doing the very same things as grownups....this behavior is only going to get worse if drastic measures are not taken. Don't be one of these parents that 'try to understand and read all this crap about raising children. I had a sister-in-law that did this. Now she has a 23 year old juvenile delinqient instead of an 11 year old juvenile del.
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11-20-2010 @ 8:45AM
ken mock said...i failed at step parenting two times.....however on the third try, i was successful......i was successful it seems in my third relationship because i no longer tried to be a parent......and now my grown stepdaughter and i are closser than my real daughter and i are..........
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:49AM
AR said...Love her more. Fight for her. Love goes the distance. A part of
loving her will also mean learning what the deeper source of her pain
is. You as the step mom possibly just as the father and biological mother should keep loving her so that she will grow to learn your
love is sincere, and that you're not there to replace her mother or
take her father's love from her, but to share it with her. I share
this with you not out of preaching at you, but out of personal
experience. Love really does conquer all. But in order to do so it
must go the distance, it can't quit. Sending her back to her
mother may send the message she is expendable and not worthing fighting for. Believe me, her soul and her heart is worth fighting for.
Reply