Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Bonnie Fuller: Zach Sobiech: You Were a Huge Inspiration in Your…
When A Tornado Strikes, Should Schools Evacuate?
Coming Home - and Coming Out - at Holiday Gatherings
Filed under: Holidays, Relationships, Family Time
It's amazing how much can happen over a simple holiday meal. Heartfelt toasts can be offered, jokes shared and old stories delivered with gusto can all revitalize warm and loving familial feelings.
Or, something else can happen.
Subtle -- or not so subtle -- judgments can be aired, old resentments can rear their ugly heads, or dirty looks can be shot across the table, all while doing something as harmless as asking someone to pass the salt.
Family gatherings have the potential to nourish the soul or inflict the kind of psychological pain that can take months to heal. In other words, big holiday reunions are not for the faint of heart, and not the place to come out if you're gay, or to introduce a same-sex partner to the family for the first time if everyone isn't at least a little prepared.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you're planning to bring your same-sex partner home for the holidays:
1. Make sure you and your partner are truly ready. I don't care how much in love the two of you are, introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to Uncle Fred or Grandma can be awkward, even if they've known for years that you're gay. Be prepared for unspoken tension at the table, and let your partner know a bit about each family member so he or she has some ice-breakers or conversation starters to help grease the wheel as everyone adjusts.
2. Give yourselves and your family space. It may be easier to stay at a hotel for your first visit home together, both to give you two a place to reconnect, and time for your family to regroup. Let your parents know in advance that you prefer to stay nearby where you can participate in family events without being underfoot 24/7. If you decide to stay at home, allow your folks to propose whatever sleeping arrangements they're most comfortable offering. Don't make it your cause to demand that you and your partner sleep there together; your goal should be to help everyone get to know one another comfortably.
3. Do not come out at a holiday gathering by appearing out of nowhere with a same-sex partner. As tempting as it might be to boldly announce your sexual orientation to a family that has refused to recognize who you really are, the holidays are not the time and the place. If most of your family is aware but, say, Grandpa still doesn't know you're gay, talk with him in advance so he isn't caught off guard.
4. Be yourself, and keep it light. Introducing a loved one to family should be carried off with joy and celebration. While your family members may show varied reactions to your new partner, give them time and don't take things too personally. Have fun with the relatives who are at ease, and be patient with those who aren't. And most of all, enjoy your visit. For better or for worse, there's no place like home!
Or, something else can happen.
Subtle -- or not so subtle -- judgments can be aired, old resentments can rear their ugly heads, or dirty looks can be shot across the table, all while doing something as harmless as asking someone to pass the salt.
Family gatherings have the potential to nourish the soul or inflict the kind of psychological pain that can take months to heal. In other words, big holiday reunions are not for the faint of heart, and not the place to come out if you're gay, or to introduce a same-sex partner to the family for the first time if everyone isn't at least a little prepared.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you're planning to bring your same-sex partner home for the holidays:
1. Make sure you and your partner are truly ready. I don't care how much in love the two of you are, introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to Uncle Fred or Grandma can be awkward, even if they've known for years that you're gay. Be prepared for unspoken tension at the table, and let your partner know a bit about each family member so he or she has some ice-breakers or conversation starters to help grease the wheel as everyone adjusts.
2. Give yourselves and your family space. It may be easier to stay at a hotel for your first visit home together, both to give you two a place to reconnect, and time for your family to regroup. Let your parents know in advance that you prefer to stay nearby where you can participate in family events without being underfoot 24/7. If you decide to stay at home, allow your folks to propose whatever sleeping arrangements they're most comfortable offering. Don't make it your cause to demand that you and your partner sleep there together; your goal should be to help everyone get to know one another comfortably.
3. Do not come out at a holiday gathering by appearing out of nowhere with a same-sex partner. As tempting as it might be to boldly announce your sexual orientation to a family that has refused to recognize who you really are, the holidays are not the time and the place. If most of your family is aware but, say, Grandpa still doesn't know you're gay, talk with him in advance so he isn't caught off guard.
4. Be yourself, and keep it light. Introducing a loved one to family should be carried off with joy and celebration. While your family members may show varied reactions to your new partner, give them time and don't take things too personally. Have fun with the relatives who are at ease, and be patient with those who aren't. And most of all, enjoy your visit. For better or for worse, there's no place like home!
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Top Holiday Toys
Family Magazine assistant editor, Amy Bevins, discusses the most popular holiday toys, along with the help of a few elves.
-
Spending the Holidays with Senior Family Members
In this video, certified senior advisor Mary Alexander from Home Instead Senior Care provides tips on caring for your senior loved ones during the busy holiday season.
-
Shopping and Traveling with Senior Family Members
Get some tips on how to go shopping for the holidays with your senior loved one.
-
Avoiding Holiday Anxiety, from Dr. Dale Atkins
Do holidays with family make you anxious? Dr Atkins shares her ideas on how to manage family tensions.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
11-19-2010 @ 4:09PM
Alicia said...I disagree with the end of number two. Get a hotel if your family can't accept you sleeping together, or your partner might suffer for having to spend the night alone is a strange and possibly hostile-feeling environment and if your partner is poisoned against your family because of that, they'll never accept one another.
Reply
11-19-2010 @ 5:39PM
Ed said...There you go pushing the homosexual agenda. We all know that homosexuality is caused by the liberal/socialist movement in this country. We have even found that that parrots only become homosexuals when their cages are lined with the New York Times. Do you need more proof than that?
11-19-2010 @ 6:21PM
Alicia said...You, sir, are ridiculous. Why do you care who someone loves?
11-20-2010 @ 11:59AM
Flower said...Ed. That was hilarious. Sometimes sarcasm is the best tool against the absurdity. "NY Times makes you gay". snarf! Alicia, et al, calm down with the 'power to the people' stuff, it only alienates those in the middle... We're not here to recruit or to bash our message in at people. But we do need to take our folks where they're at (e.g. accepting but uncomfortable with gays sleeping together in my home) and slowly work with them...
11-23-2010 @ 10:56AM
Dee Price said...Ed: your remarks sadden me because they are incorrect. I am a nurse so, hopefully, I can help you to correct your thinking. There are approximately 4 MILLION babies a year, according to GMA (Good Morning America) born with sexual differences. This is NOT their fault.
Briefly, we humans are born with a complex neuro-biological circuitry that prepares us to form emotional bonds.
Please talk with someone in the medical or psychological field who can help you to better understand these complexities. Sexuallity is NOT A CHOICE that everyone has. I know because I've worked with gay CHILDREN for years. Please do your research before you condemn.
Reply