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How to Handle Family Gift Giving When Everyone Has Different Budgets
Filed under: Relatives, Holidays
Once upon a time, the tradition of gift giving was about sharing tokens of affection that were meant to touch the heart of a loved one and express gratitude for their presence. There was -- at least in the way I imagine it -- a sweetness and simplicity that moved people to either create or scout out something special that would bring a smile to the recipient's face, affirming that they were cherished and appreciated.
Today, all bets are off.
Most of us feel enormous pressure to get the right gift -- and spend far more than our rational minds (or bank balance) would advise -- in the hopes of pleasing those we love.
To make matters worse, we sometimes find ourselves having significantly more or less, financially speaking, than our relatives. Uncle Mark lost his job, and his wife is taking care of their newborn and toddler, while Aunt Molly's family just received a windfall from her husband's side of the family. How do you navigate the gift-giving ritual when not everyone is in the same shape financially?
• Set guidelines. Discuss whether everyone wants to spend within their particular means or would be happier having a mutually-agreed-upon dollar limit for gifts, so no one feels blindsided by the difference between a box of homemade soaps and a new iPad. Big gifts that are generously offered by a wealthy family member are fine if you're sure they won't create discomfort among less well-off recipients, so have a family powwow before the holidays to establish ground rules.
• Play the "Pick One Name" game. Have everyone in the family -- from young to old -- randomly choose a name out of a hat (or with an online name generator) to select just one person to get a gift for, and set a price limit. This allows those without financial resources to creatively focus on what their particular person would enjoy, whether store bought or homemade. It can forge special connections between family members as different duos learn more about one another in the process of choosing that one special present.
• Let the chips fall where they may. In some families, it's understood that some relatives will spend a lot, and some will spend a little, and everyone graciously rolls with it without drama. If it works for you and your relatives, allow those who are able to lavish gifts on their less wealthy loved ones without letting is suggest that anyone is better or worse. Those with deeper pockets should just make sure to act with sensitivity, so they don't demand center stage as they present their big gifts.
Exchanging gifts with family members in widely different economic situations can be awkward, but establishing expectations in advance can reduce the tension felt by those who can't afford to buy impressive presents. And if it happens that you aren't able to come to an agreement, then those who are struggling to make ends meet should hold their heads up high as they offer their famous homemade chocolate cake to Uncle Moneybags, while he hands your children their new iPods. As long as everyone gives and receives graciously and remembers that what's really under the wrapping paper is love, holiday gift giving among family can be sweet, regardless of the price tag.
Today, all bets are off.
Most of us feel enormous pressure to get the right gift -- and spend far more than our rational minds (or bank balance) would advise -- in the hopes of pleasing those we love.
To make matters worse, we sometimes find ourselves having significantly more or less, financially speaking, than our relatives. Uncle Mark lost his job, and his wife is taking care of their newborn and toddler, while Aunt Molly's family just received a windfall from her husband's side of the family. How do you navigate the gift-giving ritual when not everyone is in the same shape financially?
• Set guidelines. Discuss whether everyone wants to spend within their particular means or would be happier having a mutually-agreed-upon dollar limit for gifts, so no one feels blindsided by the difference between a box of homemade soaps and a new iPad. Big gifts that are generously offered by a wealthy family member are fine if you're sure they won't create discomfort among less well-off recipients, so have a family powwow before the holidays to establish ground rules.
• Play the "Pick One Name" game. Have everyone in the family -- from young to old -- randomly choose a name out of a hat (or with an online name generator) to select just one person to get a gift for, and set a price limit. This allows those without financial resources to creatively focus on what their particular person would enjoy, whether store bought or homemade. It can forge special connections between family members as different duos learn more about one another in the process of choosing that one special present.
• Let the chips fall where they may. In some families, it's understood that some relatives will spend a lot, and some will spend a little, and everyone graciously rolls with it without drama. If it works for you and your relatives, allow those who are able to lavish gifts on their less wealthy loved ones without letting is suggest that anyone is better or worse. Those with deeper pockets should just make sure to act with sensitivity, so they don't demand center stage as they present their big gifts.
Exchanging gifts with family members in widely different economic situations can be awkward, but establishing expectations in advance can reduce the tension felt by those who can't afford to buy impressive presents. And if it happens that you aren't able to come to an agreement, then those who are struggling to make ends meet should hold their heads up high as they offer their famous homemade chocolate cake to Uncle Moneybags, while he hands your children their new iPods. As long as everyone gives and receives graciously and remembers that what's really under the wrapping paper is love, holiday gift giving among family can be sweet, regardless of the price tag.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
11-22-2010 @ 12:11PM
Jessica said...What I run into is the family name draw is just adults. But my husband and I are both unemployed our kids having Christmas via Toys for Tots. And the family was upset my husband and I bowed out of Christmas, were is the sense? I think it is awkward being the poor family in the bunch because I live that each holiday.
Reply
11-27-2010 @ 10:53PM
Nancy said...I'm in that boat this year myself,and know how you feel. I'm not liking it either.
11-22-2010 @ 1:15PM
Alicia said...I hate this. You're right, there's pressure to get the most expensive gift for everyone in your family you can possibly afford, but it's stupid to continue to feel that pressure. Give what you can afford, including if it's just a card or nothing at all and if they can't figure out and respect your budget, then they aren't worth spending the holidays with. I hate this idea of "family is important because they're family." It's crap. Family is important because they love, respect and support you and if they don't, they don't deserve the title "family" and ought to be removed from that honored circle at once. It makes for far happier, healthier relationships with the REAL family members to remove such toxic influences.
Reply
11-27-2010 @ 10:49PM
Nancy said...Every year was able to give nice gifts to,my nieces and nephews. The last 2 years my one sister wasn't able because of her husbands job loss and no one except for my one greedy sister was fine it. We aren't suppose to give to receive. Well ,a few months ago I had lost my job and I know I won't be able to give like in the past. I know that no one but my one sister will be ok with it, but I feel very badly about it. I feel so sad.
Reply
11-27-2010 @ 11:09PM
Fred said...My son is marrying into a family where rules seem to be hard and fast for the outsider but somewhat less of a constraint for the insider. This Christmas the family has drawn names and without his input set a limit of $10 for a gift. This would be fine if in fact everyone would stick to the limit. This is not the case, the insiders get the mother and father lavish gifts and trade gifts with each of the siblings and then find it somewhat amusing when the new guys or the outlaws stick to the rules. What has happened to the joy of givivng and the gracious gift of receiving in this country? I find it hard for my son each year and his new in-laws, this is such a point of stress. The family drew his mother-in-law for him as the person to buy a $10 gift. Come on, what new son-in-law is only going to buy his mother-in-law a $10 gift for Christmas and buy his father-in-law nothing. This is a recipe for disaster at his expense and the family thinks this is funny.
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11-27-2010 @ 11:10PM
Fred said...Reply
11-27-2010 @ 11:30PM
Pam said...I like gifting to family, regardless of the budget situation, because some years that is the only time we actively think about one another. Sounds awful but geographical differences can make contact difficult, so I like the swapping of names to stay in touch. Small gifts are great, just knowing I get to reach a particular person that year makes me feel closer to them. My children delight in a token gift from a far away cousin, etc. Keeps us thinking about one another.
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11-28-2010 @ 1:17AM
Cynthia said...I am all for getting together and not exchanging. Ok if there are kids, feel free to gift them...but send the gift to the house so they can open their gift on Christmas morning. The kids don't care who gave them what. Not everyone can afford to gift from one house to the next and people need to adjust to the times. Don't bow out of Christmas. Bow out of exchanging. Make it understood before you get there. You will probably get gifts anyway. Thank them and don't feel guilty. Its because of their needs not yours.
Reply
11-28-2010 @ 6:09AM
Chris said...Christmas (or Holiday) gift giving should be for CHILDREN! All the adults got together and decided that we would stop going crazy shopping for stuff that few can afford and nobody needs. The only ones that get the gifts are the KIDS. Toys, clothes for the little ones and a gift card for the older ones. The kids love it because they get more, the older ones love it because they can go and buy exactly what they want and the adults love it because its cheaper and none of need anything anyway. Instead we exchange cards.
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