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My 4-Year-Old Granddaughter is Becoming a Bully ... Just Like Her Mom!
Filed under: Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
My 4-year-old granddaughter is the victim of my daughter's yelling, profanity and name-calling if she doesn't listen. They live in my home, so I am a constant witness. My granddaughter is now becoming the class bully in preschool. She tells classmates they're ugly and that she hates them. I try to talk with my granddaughter when I take her to preschool about appropriate behavior, but the problem continues. I am afraid for her future. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Surrounded By Bullies
Dear Surrounded,
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The number one most powerful influence on our children's behavior is how we, ourselves, behave. All the lectures and admonitions in the world pale in comparison when it comes to teaching children what is -- and isn't -- acceptable.
It's a shame that your daughter is treating her child in such an aggressive way. It sounds as though she's taking her own stress and frustrations out on her little girl, justifying her outbursts by convincing herself that her child deserves to be humiliated when she doesn't listen.
The primary solution isn't going to be convincing your granddaughter to stop saying mean things at school, although we do need to address that, as well. But, if you've read my column, you know that I consider it much more valuable to address the root of a problem. In your granddaughter's case, the underlying cause of her misbehavior is her mother's treatment toward her.
Gently offer to help your daughter find healthier ways to handle her child when she doesn't listen. Whether that's a book, a counseling session with a professional or parenting classes, your daughter needs help managing her anger and finding healthier ways to discipline her child.
While it's good that you are aware your granddaughter's bullying could lead to problems in her future, if her mother uses a different approach -- other than bullying her daughter -- this child will have a better chance of a bright future.
You can teach your granddaughter both appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking with peers by role-playing scenarios where she might be tempted to say something mean. Simply telling her not to say unkind things may not be enough. Many children learn best by acting out situations where they can "try on" new, better behaviors.
Make sure the school is supporting you by keeping an eye on your granddaughter's name-calling and verbal put-downs, responding promptly if your granddaughter's impulsivity gets the best of her and she blurts out mean words.
I can't emphasize that enough: Although 4-year-olds do push limits and need to be guided, a child who receives the kind of mean-spirited parenting you've described will only truly change when they experience kind and civil behavior in the home. Given that they live with you, I hope you'll politely insist that your daughter discontinue using profanity and humiliations, and help her find better ways to parent her child.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My 4-year-old granddaughter is the victim of my daughter's yelling, profanity and name-calling if she doesn't listen. They live in my home, so I am a constant witness. My granddaughter is now becoming the class bully in preschool. She tells classmates they're ugly and that she hates them. I try to talk with my granddaughter when I take her to preschool about appropriate behavior, but the problem continues. I am afraid for her future. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Surrounded By Bullies
Dear Surrounded,
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The number one most powerful influence on our children's behavior is how we, ourselves, behave. All the lectures and admonitions in the world pale in comparison when it comes to teaching children what is -- and isn't -- acceptable.
It's a shame that your daughter is treating her child in such an aggressive way. It sounds as though she's taking her own stress and frustrations out on her little girl, justifying her outbursts by convincing herself that her child deserves to be humiliated when she doesn't listen.
The primary solution isn't going to be convincing your granddaughter to stop saying mean things at school, although we do need to address that, as well. But, if you've read my column, you know that I consider it much more valuable to address the root of a problem. In your granddaughter's case, the underlying cause of her misbehavior is her mother's treatment toward her.
Gently offer to help your daughter find healthier ways to handle her child when she doesn't listen. Whether that's a book, a counseling session with a professional or parenting classes, your daughter needs help managing her anger and finding healthier ways to discipline her child.
While it's good that you are aware your granddaughter's bullying could lead to problems in her future, if her mother uses a different approach -- other than bullying her daughter -- this child will have a better chance of a bright future.
You can teach your granddaughter both appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking with peers by role-playing scenarios where she might be tempted to say something mean. Simply telling her not to say unkind things may not be enough. Many children learn best by acting out situations where they can "try on" new, better behaviors.
Make sure the school is supporting you by keeping an eye on your granddaughter's name-calling and verbal put-downs, responding promptly if your granddaughter's impulsivity gets the best of her and she blurts out mean words.
I can't emphasize that enough: Although 4-year-olds do push limits and need to be guided, a child who receives the kind of mean-spirited parenting you've described will only truly change when they experience kind and civil behavior in the home. Given that they live with you, I hope you'll politely insist that your daughter discontinue using profanity and humiliations, and help her find better ways to parent her child.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
11-29-2010 @ 12:25PM
Eileen said...We reap what we sow. I tried to remember that when raising my daughter who has grown to a lovely young woman who is often frustrated by her peers who were not raised in such a manner. it is unfortunate that many of our children experienced such bulling when they were growing up and they just pass it on the succeeding generations. This is not what is meant in the preamble to the constitition when it says to 'ourselves and succeeding generations'. Raise your children with love and kindness and they will return it to you when they are adults and taking care of you in your old age. We ALL face that in our futures. You don't want your children to put you into the best nursing homes that YOUR MONEY WILL PAY FOR...
Reply
11-30-2010 @ 2:28PM
shelley said...If the granddaughter is getting negatively re-inforced for her behavior, then she would be confused as to why this behavior is okay for mommy and she doesn't get punished, yet I get in trouble when I do it. The mother needs immediate support and she needs to be the one to appropriately demonstrate acceptable behavior while being supported by her child's preschool. This is to undo already learned behavior, and this is difficult to accomplish without consistent effort.
2-18-2011 @ 8:51AM
shawnacand said...Growing a TickleMe Plant from seeds and watching how the leaves fold up one by one is possible way to teach kids to be more sensitive,
Search TickleMe Plant to grow your own. My kids love it!
11-30-2010 @ 5:46PM
mcurtis2962 said...We indeed do reap what we sow. This loud, angry mother is the product of a lazy, spoiling parent herself. The grandmother should have thought of this when raising such a hateful person. I always kept in mind that my son would one day be a spouse, parent and co-worker. I always treated him with respect, listened when he had something to say but on the other hand, did not let him do as he pleased and he always knew who the parent was. So shame on both of them.
Reply
11-30-2010 @ 7:49PM
Roberta said...Mmmmmm Not necessarily so. Two children can be raised in the same household with the same values, and have completely different personalities. I have seen this in many situations with My Own children. One has been a Go Getter from an early age, and it took the other a while to get started. The go getter is a more even keeled person, while the late bloomer is more easily aggitated. My Sister has three children that all have completely different personalities. Let's just hope this Family finds the help They need.
1-18-2011 @ 1:41PM
MC said...How unkind to suggest that Grandma brought up a hateful child. The mother of this 4-year old may be angry because of how life treated her - maybe she is a single parent due to divorce or simply because the father of the child left without marrying her. Maybe she lost her job through no fault of her own adn she can't find one which will allow her to live on her own and bring up her child the way she wants therefore she is frustrated and, unfortunately, is taking out her anger on the child. She obviously needs help, but attitudes like yours is not good for anyone. You don't know the circumstances, so don't be so judgmental and blame the grandmother.
11-30-2010 @ 2:31PM
Vinsmom99 said...I'm surprised the grandma is being so thoughtful. Most people do not care about bullying unless their child is being bullied. I applaud Grandma. No matter what they say in public, most people really just do not care. I know this from firsthand experience. Most people talk a good game until push comes to shove and they all either retreat or try to make it the fault of the child being bullied. Yes, can you believe it? Well, if it wasn't the victim's fault, the brats would actually have to take responsibility for their own actions. As the parent of a child who was bullied, I found out that, at times, sticking up for your victimized child can make things worse - but I am glad I stuck to my guns and eventually got someone to help us. As for Grandma, while I applaud you, I must ask: If your granddaughter is learning her behavior from her mother, where did your daughter learn her behavior? This is something you might want to consider. Keep up the good fight.
Reply
11-30-2010 @ 4:38PM
grandma sees said...Well In many cases such as mine its my daughters husband who is agressive and acts out with his mouth and body languge when he has no paients at all with my grand children , and the snowball begins and my daughter is one who trys to hide it ,or at times ,chimes right along with him ,and takes his side . Im at my witts end seeing the sickness countinue . When my grandaughter is spoken to with respect shes a different girl .I talk to her to set the example the difference between them and how I speak and they see it with thier own eyes . YES , and THEY DONT LIKE IT , BUT TO BAD .
11-30-2010 @ 7:01PM
JL said...I HAVE ALREADY TOLD MY KIDS THAT THEY WILL GET THEIR BUTTS KICKED IF THEY BULLY ANYONE OR TEASE ANYONE FOR BEING DIFFERENT, ETC. THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLYING...LOL BUT I CAN'T STAND A KID TO BE PICKED ON. NO ONES KID.
11-30-2010 @ 2:55PM
Gary Wilkes said...More brainless advice from la-la land. The best way to stop a behavior is not by "setting an example." There are many behaviors that are prefectly appropriate for adults that are taboo for children, like playing with knives and driving a car. So, if you don't want your kid to play with matches, you should not use matches? The best way to stop a behavior is to connect an unpleasant, tangible consequence to the specific behavior you are trying to inhibit. Unfortunately, that is taboo in our society - which is why you see so many children who are out of control. So, the behavioral effect that would end this behavior immediately is unavailable because we are afraid of damaging the psyche of one child, while letting her damage the psyche of many other children. Hmmmm. Want the procedure? 1) At the instant the child mouths off, say "NO" - the sequence and timing of this signal is critical 2) Turn her over your lap and spank her on the butt with your cupped hand until she screams like a little girl - which she is. End of problem. You might have to apply it two or three times to end a long-standing behavior. Don't bother prattling about the dangers of this unless you have repeated burns from touching hot stoves or don't know how to get in out of a hail storm. Moderated, intelligent us of corporal punishment inhibits behavior. It does not imply abuse. The abuse, currently, is in allowing this child to gain social status by being a bully - a form of positive reinforcement.
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11-30-2010 @ 8:08PM
Roberta said...Well Said Gary. Guns & Knives hurt a lot more than a spank on the butt, and A spank on the butt when running into the street hurts a lot less than a vehicle hitting You.
12-07-2010 @ 3:07PM
dougalcandy said...I totally agree! When our daughter was little, she developed a disrespectful attitude to adults. I thought it was hideous and deserved punishing, my husband thought it was no big deal and she would grow out of it. Fast forward 15 years, she is now 19 and more disrespectful than ever, to her father and to me. She is also disrespectful to her college professors, (judging by what she says she tells them). A little consequence all those years ago might have made a difference, too bad my husband only sees it now!
1-18-2011 @ 11:49AM
Right said...It doesn't sound like the kid is mouthing off, sounds like the mom is losing her cool. You can't spank a kid for every little think. You do have to talk and let them have a fit.
If you react with anger that's your problem your the adult.
The grandma didn't say whether or not the mom spanks. I'm willing to bet $50 that the mom most likely puts her hands on the kid, which is not cool.
Also the mom lives at home with her mom so there's most likely other problems going on. I think the grandmother is responsible for what going on in her house. If there's abuse going on she needs to do something right now.
I understand that her daughter is her daughter, but her grandchild is more important and you can't hope and wish things to get better. I would hate to have an update that something bad happen to the child.
You should never hit your kid when you are angry. If you are going to spank you should be totally calm and in control.
In the real world as an adult you can't spank people for not listening. It doesn't sound like you have kids.
12-01-2010 @ 3:14PM
robthurst said...The grandmother's concern is laudable. To the person who blames the grandmother for the mother's problems--it is possible the angry, bullying parent in the family was the father, not the mother, and the marriage may now be over. Getting the child's mother to admit there is a problem is the largest problem, here. One way to do this may be to buy a small, inconspicuous video camera and record some videos of the mother bullying the granddaughter. After several episodes have been recorded, the grandmother should invite the mother,her daughter, to view the videos with her. I would imagine the mother would find denial to be difficult under such circumstances. Then, the grandmother could suggest some parenting resources, as suggested in the article.
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11-30-2010 @ 3:21PM
Freada said...Sorry grandma but I feel the blame starts with you and then goes on to your child and her child. Not sure how to break that chain. I do think that all of you need professional help on this issue. I wonder about your life and behavior as a child and then why you allowed your child to be a bully. Sorry if I offend, but this is not just an overnight thing.
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11-30-2010 @ 5:02PM
grandma sees said...read my 4:38 reply to Vinsmom99 .
11-30-2010 @ 5:07PM
Freada said...Grandma I did not see anything about a father/husband/gradnfather in the article, unless I missed it.
I can also see your point of view. I have found that kids will, for the most part, give back what they are given.
11-30-2010 @ 5:36PM
Daytime said......wow, sounds like many people have issues from childhood. Seem like many want to blame grandma without knowing the full story. There are such things as adults that are bad because of the choice THEY made as adults not because of how "grandma" raised them. So typical of people to make judgements without all of the info. Scary to think these are some of the same people that make it on to a jury pool. God forbid you be the one on trial for something you didn't do.
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12-01-2010 @ 1:12PM
Doug H said...Why are these folks assuming the grandmother is the cause of the daughter's anti-social behavior? Was there no husband?
Regardless, the mother is responsible for the child and the mother has to learn that she ahs to curb her own behavior because she is setting up her own child for failure. And if it takes professional help, then that's what it takes. The grandmother should do what one would do for an abused dog.... get intervention to protect the abused party. A child is not a dog and deserves at least threatment that is decent. A parent is not entitled to abuse their child.
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11-30-2010 @ 5:09PM
Sandy said...OH that is smart...NOT. More bad behavior and violence do not solve anything. All it makes is more bullies as the years go along.
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