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My 4-Year-Old Granddaughter is Becoming a Bully ... Just Like Her Mom!
Filed under: Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
My 4-year-old granddaughter is the victim of my daughter's yelling, profanity and name-calling if she doesn't listen. They live in my home, so I am a constant witness. My granddaughter is now becoming the class bully in preschool. She tells classmates they're ugly and that she hates them. I try to talk with my granddaughter when I take her to preschool about appropriate behavior, but the problem continues. I am afraid for her future. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Surrounded By Bullies
Dear Surrounded,
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The number one most powerful influence on our children's behavior is how we, ourselves, behave. All the lectures and admonitions in the world pale in comparison when it comes to teaching children what is -- and isn't -- acceptable.
It's a shame that your daughter is treating her child in such an aggressive way. It sounds as though she's taking her own stress and frustrations out on her little girl, justifying her outbursts by convincing herself that her child deserves to be humiliated when she doesn't listen.
The primary solution isn't going to be convincing your granddaughter to stop saying mean things at school, although we do need to address that, as well. But, if you've read my column, you know that I consider it much more valuable to address the root of a problem. In your granddaughter's case, the underlying cause of her misbehavior is her mother's treatment toward her.
Gently offer to help your daughter find healthier ways to handle her child when she doesn't listen. Whether that's a book, a counseling session with a professional or parenting classes, your daughter needs help managing her anger and finding healthier ways to discipline her child.
While it's good that you are aware your granddaughter's bullying could lead to problems in her future, if her mother uses a different approach -- other than bullying her daughter -- this child will have a better chance of a bright future.
You can teach your granddaughter both appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking with peers by role-playing scenarios where she might be tempted to say something mean. Simply telling her not to say unkind things may not be enough. Many children learn best by acting out situations where they can "try on" new, better behaviors.
Make sure the school is supporting you by keeping an eye on your granddaughter's name-calling and verbal put-downs, responding promptly if your granddaughter's impulsivity gets the best of her and she blurts out mean words.
I can't emphasize that enough: Although 4-year-olds do push limits and need to be guided, a child who receives the kind of mean-spirited parenting you've described will only truly change when they experience kind and civil behavior in the home. Given that they live with you, I hope you'll politely insist that your daughter discontinue using profanity and humiliations, and help her find better ways to parent her child.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My 4-year-old granddaughter is the victim of my daughter's yelling, profanity and name-calling if she doesn't listen. They live in my home, so I am a constant witness. My granddaughter is now becoming the class bully in preschool. She tells classmates they're ugly and that she hates them. I try to talk with my granddaughter when I take her to preschool about appropriate behavior, but the problem continues. I am afraid for her future. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Surrounded By Bullies
Dear Surrounded,
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The number one most powerful influence on our children's behavior is how we, ourselves, behave. All the lectures and admonitions in the world pale in comparison when it comes to teaching children what is -- and isn't -- acceptable.
It's a shame that your daughter is treating her child in such an aggressive way. It sounds as though she's taking her own stress and frustrations out on her little girl, justifying her outbursts by convincing herself that her child deserves to be humiliated when she doesn't listen.
The primary solution isn't going to be convincing your granddaughter to stop saying mean things at school, although we do need to address that, as well. But, if you've read my column, you know that I consider it much more valuable to address the root of a problem. In your granddaughter's case, the underlying cause of her misbehavior is her mother's treatment toward her.
Gently offer to help your daughter find healthier ways to handle her child when she doesn't listen. Whether that's a book, a counseling session with a professional or parenting classes, your daughter needs help managing her anger and finding healthier ways to discipline her child.
While it's good that you are aware your granddaughter's bullying could lead to problems in her future, if her mother uses a different approach -- other than bullying her daughter -- this child will have a better chance of a bright future.
You can teach your granddaughter both appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking with peers by role-playing scenarios where she might be tempted to say something mean. Simply telling her not to say unkind things may not be enough. Many children learn best by acting out situations where they can "try on" new, better behaviors.
Make sure the school is supporting you by keeping an eye on your granddaughter's name-calling and verbal put-downs, responding promptly if your granddaughter's impulsivity gets the best of her and she blurts out mean words.
I can't emphasize that enough: Although 4-year-olds do push limits and need to be guided, a child who receives the kind of mean-spirited parenting you've described will only truly change when they experience kind and civil behavior in the home. Given that they live with you, I hope you'll politely insist that your daughter discontinue using profanity and humiliations, and help her find better ways to parent her child.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
11-30-2010 @ 7:05PM
lisa said...I agree, crack her ass! My mom did it to me and I turned out just fine. I spanked my kids and they are great kids. They just knew better from the very beginning that "momma doesn't play". There are rules and there are consequences when you don't follow them ......period!
11-30-2010 @ 6:22PM
windgated said...I absolutely agree with you! Grandma needs to put her foot down in her own home. The negative behavior will cease immediately or the authorities will be notified and Grandma will take over with the baby. As for the negative behavior silling over to school, a behavior modification plan between home and school needs to be put into place. When appropriate behaviors are displayed, a sticker on a chart will be given. When the appropriate number of stickers are earned, a prize is given. The baby will learn from positive reinforcement.
Reply
11-30-2010 @ 7:07PM
Angiebaby said...Sounds to me like Grandma is being held hostage to her daughter's and her granddaughter's nasty behavior. Listen up, Granny. It's YOUR house, and your rules apply. When your daughter shows her ass, call her on it and tell her it is upsetting you, teaching her daughter to be hateful and creating a bad home. You shouldn't stand for that. I know, I know. "My poor daughter ain't got no where to go and don't got no money! What will she do?" That is her problem. She needs to be reminded that when she starts paying the mortgage, she can behave any way she wants. Until then, make it clear she's being a witch and raising up another one. It doesn't matter what you say to your granddaughter, she's going to do as her mother does.
My mother was just horrible to me. Combined with the way my father treated me, it's a miracle I'm not a serial killer. But I believe the reason I'm not is because I chose to overcome the abuse, and it wasn't until I was probably in my mid-30's that I reconciled myself with the issue. The problem was my mother's, not ME. You might talk to the wench, er, your daughter about WHY she treats her daughter so poorly. Maybe she will realize the problem is HER underlying issues, not the baby's fault. I wouldn't bet on it, but sounds like you have nothing to lose. I had to learn this on my own, so if you can help your granddaughter and daughter act in love vs. animosity, they will be the better for it... and much sooner than most of us!
Do you attend any kind of worship? A place where morals and the way we treat other peole in this world are stressed? If not, your granddaughter needs some balance. If all she gets is cussed out, yelled at and mistreated at home, and in trouble at school, you can't expect her to learn any better in just those environments. You should also institute some disciplinary actions, mixed with rewards for good behavior, with your granddaughter. If she yells at you and says you are from the devil, pop that bottom and tell her she is not allowed to talk to granny that way. Or send her to her room without dessert or night time snacks. When she apologizes, accept her apology and let that be the end of it. When she is frustrated and holds her wicked little tongue, praise her and invite her to help you bake some cookies BECAUSE YOU ENJOY HER COMPANY WHEN SHE IS PLEASANT. This way, you put her in charge of her choices and this always empowers children.
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11-30-2010 @ 7:13PM
mikeclint1 said...It's a shame to say, but the only thing that will resolve a situation with a bully is to escalate the situation to a physical confrontation, and win at any cost. I know that this is awful to say, but anyone that has ever resolved a situation with a bully will agree. Sure, you can be polite, and in years to come they will regret their actions, and possibly apologize, but to resolve the immediate situation you can only take it to their primal level. Of course, I understand that many of you will feel that this only works to the bully's advantage, or even makes you the bully, but this is incorrect. Whether you use your hands or a stick, a bully will never forget how it feels to get the tables turned on them. It's a shame to have to resort to this, but it is a cure 100% of the time.
Reply
11-30-2010 @ 7:26PM
noreenarshad said...You people are such morons. Accusing a sweet old lady of instilling terrible morals into her daughter, who in tuirn is abusing her child. Don't you think a the daughter (the mother of the child who may be a bully) is no longer a child? You don't know if she's naturally mean spirited or supposedly, fell from a bad relationship, and that the man who turned her into the monster she is now is also the father of the child, who the mother is emotionally rejecting and barraging against. I can think of many, many other ways this mother could've attained such disgusting apparent "parenting" strategies. You also probaly think that someone born mentally retarded doesn't have a chance in life, or that someone from a wealthy and affluent family, who never pays attention in business or law classes, has some kind of wallstreet secret passed on through the elite for generations (which sounds crazy). Try to look past a single dimension, and watch the show "Deadly Women" (episode "young blood".
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11-30-2010 @ 8:17PM
Jodymad said...Savor this! My son - who is 50 now- raising 3 girls and one boy. Kids are horrible. They had him a catch 22. They yelled at him and cursed him and he would just sit there and do nothing because he said I can do nothing. They would constantly threaten him they will call the cops on him if he hit them or threatened them - and would have him arrested. He is separated now and mom has the kids and she is with a drug addict and on drugs herself. But the middle girl is really and outrageous bully. I did not know how to help him out. I was sitting there and she even yelled and mooned me. I haven't seen any of them since.
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11-30-2010 @ 8:29PM
Dorothy said...Well, we know WHERE she learned to bully, now the problem is to STOP the abuse of the child and turn the child around to good behavior. Time for Granny to GET TOUGH. Call child services, as the continued abuse by the mother is going to ruin this child! Provide centered discipline for the child, and either give up custody (after the mom is THROWN OUT) to a person who actually REALLY cares about the child, or take up this long process of rehabilitating this child NOW. If you "LOVE" a child, you have to care enough to do the right thing, or else you may see this child behine bars in another 12 years or so, or be the victim of her assualt in your later years. Think about it!
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11-30-2010 @ 8:38PM
abby said...I am t he mother of seven children and eight grandchildren. I am appalled that the media and the nation cannot see that bullies are proliferating because these children are not made accountable for their actions. The old fashioned spanking goes a long way to instilling the difference between right and wrong. When the government began inserting itself into the family, we all began losing. I can tell you that my children faced the music if they disobeyed and none of them bully nor sit on their backsides collecting welfare payments. A total lack of respect among our young people have wrought incredible distruction to our moral system in America.
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11-30-2010 @ 9:02PM
grandma sees said...IMO ,resorting to hitting teaches a child to hit . As I have seen . my grandaughter got a few and it was done in anger of the parent , and low and behold as she got older , she started hiting back or any time she got mad at someone , she gos to swing her hands . well daddy told her early on if any one hits you , you hit back , I told him are you nuts , now you just sent your daughter to the principal , who she also will be punished . Same with the yelling , she will yell back and slam doors ., just as she has seen from the parents . . I WARNED THEM ,NOW THEY SEE IT . They said shes tired or hungry or this or that , I said stop making exuses for what she learned . After a huge warning things started to change . and low and behold as I said a few thing a light went off as he said I didnt understand it that way . wheeee . So IM SAYING , INTERFER and dont give up . It works when they see you will declare war .
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12-05-2010 @ 10:24AM
Dan Grinde said...My 58 yo former girlfriend AND her 40 yo daughter live together ONCE AGAIN and they lay into each other with the saddest of verbal abuse on a frequent basis. Tho' I am away from the fray now, I heard about the latest round of English-Major fisticuffs anyway....I suggested reading, AGAIN, the old One-Minute-Manager....ANY legitimate criticism is best delivered straight-up, and with the intent of realizing positive change and results. Make sure, as an employer, parent or teacher....TO CATCH your wards doing something RIGHT....and let them know just how valuable THAT is. Verbally grinding and dressing down anyone at length....? is not only non-productive....it is in fact Emotional Abuse !
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12-05-2010 @ 11:56AM
Rachel said...Seems like the only way she will learn is if she gets a taste of her own medicine better hope she doesn't "bully" the wrong person.
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12-15-2010 @ 2:56AM
Lucy said...Gary, you totally missed the point- what does this have to do with traching kids not to play with dangerous objects? Kids will in fact mimic the behavior and words they see and hear at home- if you scream profanity at them and call them names, that is what they'll do at school, because it's all they know how to do. It's not OK for the mother to do it either, but the solution isn't spanking the child for doing exactly as she's been taught.
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1-16-2011 @ 11:07AM
shelly said...Oh my...I am in the exact same position. And, Roberta, is correct. Sometimes you can do everything right and it makes no difference. My daughter was not screamed at, yelled at, mistreated, abused or any of that stuff. Yet, she screams and yells at her 2 year old, is very agressive with him, lets him witness her being agressive with other people, and he is turning out to be just like her. They live with my husband and me and it's like living in a washing machine on spin cycle. If we try to suggest anything, our daughter screams and yells at us, calls us names, etc. She even took a swipe at her father once. she takes any suggestion as a personal attack and will tell you to butt out and that she knows what she's doing. She's 23 and knows better, she just thinks she's a princess and we owe her. She's said it. She's entitled to whatever she wants because she breathes. She needs to leave our house, but daddy won't let it happen. Hopefully, one day soon, she will leave and I won't have to continue the anti-anxiety medication anymore.
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1-18-2011 @ 1:32PM
Right said...I'm really Surprised that many of you are saying to hit this kid. What’s wrong with you?
It’s pretty obvious that the kid is getting abused at home. You honestly think that if her mom is just yelling at her, you don’t think the mom is also hitting her too? Geez you guys.
You shouldn’t hit a kid out of anger.
If the mom is jumping down her throat about every little thing the grandmother really needs to step in.
If the mom is living with her, it’s the grandmother’s home and she is responsible for what’s going on in the home.
You can’t be passive because it’s your daughter. There are obvious things going on behind the scenes.
In the real world if I’m anger at someone I can’t get in your face and scream and yell at you.
As a parent we have one of the hardest jobs in the world and it’s not easy. But you’re the ones making the choices to have kids so you need to love and raise your kids. If you can’t then get help.
I don’t want to see a news report of some messed up mother beating her kid to death because she stood to close to the tv or spilled her milk.
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1-18-2011 @ 1:24PM
Te amo Facu said...You can teach your granddaughter both appropriate and inappropriate ways of speaking with peers by role-playing scenarios where she might be tempted to say something mean. Simply telling her not to say unkind things may not be enough. Many children learn best by acting out situations where they can "try on" new, better behaviors.
Make sure the school is supporting you by keeping an eye on your granddaughter's name-calling and verbal put-downs, responding promptly if your granddaughter's impulsivity gets the best of her and she blurts out mean words.
great advise, colluding with gramma to exclude the child's own mama. that will definitely calm the mama down. not. and saying make sure the school is supporting HER???? The mom should be in this role. why are you advising her to go above her daughters head and follow all your suggestions? After all, SHE is the one who raised the "shrew mouth" Mom, isn't she? She couldnt do well with her daughter, why give her a second chance to mess up her granddaughter as welll? There is too much enmeshment in this family and the mom is being treated as the bad child, not even the foul mouthed bully granddaughter. I think your advice is going to make things much worse in the long run. what's next, gramma trying to steal custody from her daughter? You are missing the boat here.
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