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Stupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answers
Filed under: Adoption, Relatives, Siblings, Weird But True, Funny Stuff, Opinions, Relationships, Expert Advice: Babies, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley
As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.
1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?
2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.
3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"
4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.
5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?
6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?
7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.
9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.
10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.
11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.
12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.
14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]
16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.
17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.
18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?
19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity
20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.
22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.
24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.
25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.
26. Why did you wait so long to have children?*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.
27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.
28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.
30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
11-30-2010 @ 2:44PM
LavendarFlower said...I don't think there is anything wrong with "Was it an 'open adoption?'" or "Did you meet the birth parents" or "Did you get to choose them?" People are curious about these things, and they're not offensive (to me.) Of course all of these questions should be asked out of range of the child's hearing.
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11-30-2010 @ 7:57PM
Anon said...If they aren't offensive or impolite to ask then why hide the child's ears? Think about that for a short while... If an adoptive family doesn't tell them they're adopted then wouldn't it be rude to ask someone where their child came from? Personally if I were to not tell my child that they were adopted I would consider them of my own loins therefore they came from me... Don't ask why their different. It's like asking someone who's had a pap smear how it went...Some people are sensitive others will tell you right out... If you know the person then judge by how you know them to be... If it's a stranger then probably not all that great to start grilling them on their kids... Get to know them better first...
11-30-2010 @ 4:06PM
AJScott said...I dont see the problem with a good handful of these questions:
1. Are those your real children?
- Understandable if the mother or father looks starkly different from their child. As this is unusual to see, it is natural for the question to arise of blood relationship.
7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
Having a fairly big, fluffy afro, I get this question frequently. While annoying, I wouldn't call it stupid. One of the main ways people learn about their surroundings is through their sense of touch. It's how people learn. Would you balk at someone petting a soft looking dog? No. While I'm not comparing a dog to a child, parallels can be drawn.
10. Where/how did you get them?
Most people are not informed about the adoption process, or know straight away where you adopted the kids from. This is a perfectly legitimate question.
11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
Again, most people are not familiar with the adoption process, especially as it applies to foreign countries.
15. Do you know anything about their real parents? Are they alive?
Again, general curiosity. I don't see the problem here.
18. Do they know who their real parents are?
See question #15. Unless the adoptive parent is being hyper-sensitive, there is nothing wrong with this question if it is assumed that the inquisitor is referring to "biological" parentage.
19. Do you have an open adoption?
Again, legit question.
30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
Also a legit question assuming the child is old enough to speak. If a child is born in and lives in a foreign country for the first couple years of his/her life, why wouldn't it be fair to ask if the child knows the language of that country. Bilingual people, especially children, are fascinating.
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11-30-2010 @ 6:59PM
TraumaRN said...As an adopted child(now 45 years old) we were our parents "real" children. I think phrasing ANY question in this context is insulting to both the parent and the child. My "real" parents are the ones that raised me in a home full of love, rocked me when I was sick and kissed all of my hurts away. That is what a "real" parent is, not a sperm and an egg. We knew we were adopted before we knew what the word meant and it was never a big deal. When my "real" mom and dad had a biological baby(SURPRISE) in their mid 40's noone was ever treated any different. If asked who was adopted, my mom and dad said they couldn't remember.
11-30-2010 @ 8:03PM
Anon said...Honestly... "Are those your REAL children?" My friend has a baby and people ask her, "Is she yours?" and it breaks her heart. SHE ACTUALLY IS HERS... So for people to automatically assume just because a child looks Hespanic with a white momma doesn't mean their adopted and is kind of insensitive to ask... Just say how cute you think that baby is, and say what a good job they're doing with them. If they want to share more they will. If it's not theirs they'll say so if they want to... I'm a very inquisitive person, but sometimes you just have to google it...
12-01-2010 @ 1:51PM
Anna said...Those are all personal questions, which are really bad manners. The answers can bring up memories that are hurtful or focus on the way that a child is different, making them or their families feel like they don't fit in. Does this really have to be spelled out? I don't care how curious someone is! Would you ask, "Where did you get that scar?" or "How much did your car cost" or "How did your mother pass away" of anyone but (maybe) a very close friend? No. And if you did, they would be perfectly justified in pretending, for the moment, that they didn't understand English!
2-06-2011 @ 10:12AM
Mindy said...AJ, I get your comment about the hair - the thing is, would the person asking to touch it feel free to ask the same thing of an African American mom and her child, or did the person see the kid as available for curiosity-seekers simply because she obviously adopted? What is frustrating to us adoptive parents is that people don't seem to respect the same boundaries with us as they do with other people. I don't ask new moms how much of their hospitalization was covered by insurance, yet people found it acceptable to ask me how much my baby cost. I always answered that I did not pay for my baby, but that the legal and adoptive services added up to about the same as hospital birth, just without the insurance. I was not disrespectful, and I tried to educate. But on the inside, I was usually thinking, "And what the heck business is it of yours?!"
I tried to remember that people mostly mean well, and were possibly genuinely interested in pursuing adoption, so tried to be helpful. But I encountered lots of people who were nothing more than curious, and who felt it was acceptable to pry into my family's business in a way they would never do with a new parent who's child was not obviously adopted, because they would see it as rude.
11-30-2010 @ 3:36PM
CLM said...The point is, it's none of these peoples' business. I don't go around asking people if they took fertility drugs, how many times they had sex before they got pregnant, or other private info like that. So why is it that my children's adoption stories (which belong to them, by the way) are supposed to available for public consumption? For the record, I have generally found that people who ask questions tend to do so because they, or someone they know, is considering or in the process of adoption. So I do tend to take the time to provide information and education; however people need to realize that is because I'm being nice, not because they have any right to ask or be answered.
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11-30-2010 @ 5:16PM
Emily said...I think the key here is context. There are some questions that you might not ask a total stranger but might be comfortable to ask a close friend or family member. For example, just seeing someone with a child of another race in the supermarket should not be grounds for the "is that your child" question. Could be their child, could be a friend of their child, could be a relative, who knows? And who cares? However, asking a close friend or relative about how the adoption process went (is it an open adoption, what were the circumstances, etc.) might be appropriate. In addition, tone and intention are important. Cattily asking "so, how much money did they cost" is one thing, but legitimately asking someone with experience about the process in order to become more informed is another. I have asked a good friend about the process and costs they went through because we are also considering adoption.
However, there are still some questions on here that are so ridiculously inappropriate I can't even imagine someone thinking them up...did they use the toilet?!? Seriously, people say that?!?
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12-01-2010 @ 10:03AM
Gail said...I have a hard time believing that anyone would ask such ridiculous questions.
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12-02-2010 @ 7:09AM
L3 said...Yeah, actually, they do.
12-01-2010 @ 10:59AM
Jeff said...Seriously? Are you really this angry with these obviously ignorant people that you have to wish for them to have been aborted? This author is obviously so jaded it's really sad to hear. Listen to yourself, you sound as bad as those posing the question. Do people ask stupid questions? Absolutely, but it's not out of spite but purely from a lack of information. Stop being so angry and guide these people as to how asinine their comments are!!
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2-06-2011 @ 9:46AM
Mindy said...Geez, Jeff - the article was a JOKE. As an adoptive parent, I know darned well that the author(s) did not actually wish the person dead, nor did they actually SAY what they wrote here. It is the kind of humor that allows us adoptive families to keep a healthy perspective by laughing together. None of us would wish anyone out of existence, but it is comforting to know that none of us is alone in having to field really dumb questions - OR personal questions from strangers - as we navigate the world of adoptive parenting. Lighten up, and learn to recognize a joke a when you see one.
12-01-2010 @ 1:05PM
jill said...Agree w/ Jeff!
I have adopted children and biological and I would Never use these replies. As long as it doesnt bother my children, why is it harmful to ask ?'s about adoption. The more the they know maybe the the world may be more inclined to open their hearts to adotion. Alot of people are curious and I see no fault in this at all- they dont mean to be rude. I see no fault in asking some of these questions and yes- even answering some of these.
We cant pretend that we are the same type of family as everyone else -we are different- and that is ok. I am not ashamed and love to talk about it.
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2-06-2011 @ 10:22AM
Mindy said...Jill, it was a joke. Lighten up! No one uses these responses - but as your children get older, you'll find yourself, at least once, wondering why on earth the stranger in the grocery line thinks it is OK to ask questions about your child's birthfamily, in front of your child.
12-01-2010 @ 4:51PM
vixter said...I don't think any curious person, even the worst with poor manners could be as bad as this author.
It's called the "Bart Simpson effect". Characterized by an appalling sense of self righteousness, and overreaching belief that the individual is witty while being nothing more than a sarcastic snot that civilization would be better without.
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2-06-2011 @ 10:23AM
Mindy said...Trust me, people ask these questions. My oldest child is almost 16, and when she was baby, I got incredibly intrusive questions and comments. Always accompanied by "She's so cute!" I did not respond rudely - and neither would this author - these are the comments you wish you could say but know better. This is not meant to be a tutorial, for heavens' sake!!!
As said daughter, and subsequently her sister, got old enough enough to understand what was being asked, my answers changed. I could no longer answer on my own, I had to model appropriate answers for them. The biggest lesson was the difference between secrecy and privacy - helping them understand that even though nothing about their adoptions was secret within our family, they have every right to keep private any and all information that THEY are not comfortable sharing.
They are teens now, and not only are they very funny, polite, delightful girls whom other adults rave about, they have a very healthy sense of both who they are and why people are curious.
Perspective is everything.
12-03-2010 @ 4:34PM
Mmkky said...I've had almost all of these questions asked of me. I used to cringe when I would hear people ask, "Couldn't you have kids of your own?" They are my own! There are times when I wished that I could have answered back something equally as sharp of a response, but the words never seemed to push through my blushing cheeks.
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12-02-2010 @ 7:09AM
L3 said...I agree with AJScott and others who think that in the right context,
these are legitimate questions and I think parents of adopted children do better by those kids to prepare them for these questions and give them smart, sensitive answers. "Angry" answers will only encourage your children to be angry. But, lighten up folks... I don't think the editors were all that angry. I think they were just trying to give a sarcastic chuckle to some of us who get tired of these questions.
The only exception, for me, is the term "real" parent to mean biological parent. I like what TraumaRN said about that.
My mom once asked me a question about my adopted son's "real" daddy. I said, if you mean his biological father, I don't know. His real daddy is that big, furry guy laying down on the couch. Your real daddy (or mommy) is the one who was there to kiss the boo boos.
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12-02-2010 @ 10:50AM
Shannon said...As an adoptive parent of two great kids, this article caught my eye and I couldn't resist. Some of the responses are absolutely hysterical and, yes, my husband and I have been asked a few of these questions more times than I would like to admit. On the other hand, I think it is important to stay positive in your responses to dumb questions, as tempting as it might be to respond with sarcasm. Most people, I find, are just merely curious and mean no harm. I want my kids to feel proud of the fact that they are adopted. I don't want them to grow up being angry and defensive every time some outsider questions their situation. Yes, sometimes if a question is just downright rude, it may be fitting to respond in the same manner. Just a few months ago I was asked by a woman in the check-out lane behind us if my son was my "real" child (he is biracial but looks mostly African American). I respond by saying, "Well, if getting up in the middle of the night with him when he is sick, wiping his poopy behind after he goes to the bathroom and loving him like I have never loved anyone else in my life constitutes his being my real child, then I would say he is."
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