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Stupid Questions People Ask Adoptive Parents, and Our Smartass Answers
Filed under: Adoption, Relatives, Siblings, Weird But True, Funny Stuff, Opinions, Relationships, Expert Advice: Babies, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Illustration by Dori Hartley
As we say goodbye to National Adoption Month, let's close on a positive note. If you're an adoptive parent, this list will give you great answers to the most ridiculous questions you will ever get. If you're not an adoptive parent, think of this list as a reminder of when to adopt a think-before-you-ask moment.
1. Are those your real children?
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?
2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.
3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"
4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.
5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?
6. Why didn't their mother have an abortion?
*Why didn't your mother have an abortion?
7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.
*Do you consider stupid comments and questions abuse?
*Yes, someone hit them upside the head with a 2-by-4. Here, let me show you how it feels.
9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.
10. Where/how did you get them?
*I think it was somewhere in a TSA patdown line.
*On sale at Macy's. Black Friday. Buy one get one free.
*Have you ever heard of the store Buy Buy Baby?
*Ebay.
*On the corner over there. I think there's some left if you want some.
*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a few left over, so ...
*From the International Association of None of Your Damn Business.
11. Were they in an orphanage? If so, where and for how long?
*No, they were actually placed in a traveling, government-run circus.
*Yes, it was the hard-knock life for them, 'stead of kisses, they got kicked.
*Only until Fagin taught them how to pick pockets.
12. Do they come from Haiti? It's good they escaped the earthquake.
*Yes. All the other third-world disaster victims had been snatched up already.
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.
14. Couldn't you have your own children?
*Sure, but it kinda seemed so ... 2009.
*Sure, but whenever I run into you, for some reason I'm unable to perform in the bedroom.
*What, and wreck this perfect body with saggers and stretch marks like you did? Hello?
*Yes, but God and I agreed that this isn't the right time for another Messiah.
*Nope. I killed them. [Laugh madly.]
*I probably shouldn't say this, but, she's a well-known public figure and he's well, let's just say very important. [Say this in hushed tones.]
16. How much money did they cost?
*Less than the cost of your cosmetic surgery.
*I got the discount ones, so it wasn't too bad actually.
*They were in a basket with a note that said, "Free! Take 'em!"
*I got them for selling subscriptions to Mother Jones.
17. Don't you feel sorry for birth mothers?
*Yes, yours in particular.
18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?
19. Do you have an open adoption?
*The offer is always open for them to return to the Big Tent.
*Absolutely. We swap children every two years with a sweet family in Ohio.
*Sure, we're going to have a seance tonight.
*Do you have an open marriage? Your husband said it was an open marriage. Gosh, I hope he was telling the truth. I would hate for you to be hurt by someone's boorish insensitivity
20. When will you take them to see their real parents?
*When the circus comes to town again next summer. They've promised us free tickets.
*Not until we're sure we wanna keep them.
*When they realize that we are just impostors, their fake parents.
*Thought you'd never ask. How's next Tuesday?
*Gee, what do you suggest? Did you ever meet your real parents, or were they moved to another zoo?
*There wasn't much choice after you eliminated the World's Shortest Man from consideration.
*Yes, we found a pick-your-own baby farm.
*Yep, like lint off your sweater. Here, let me get that for you.
*No, they fell right off the tree.
22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.
*Only one. It's a strange jungle disease only communicable through a high-five. Hey, you didn't happen to ... ? Oh, never mind.
*They have foot-in-mouth disease, which I believe they caught from you.
24. Do any of them have HIV?
*Do you?
*No, you can't have sex with them.
25. Do you feel like you "missed out" on having your own children?
*Yes, morning sickness, extra baby weight and painful labor are all on my Christmas list this year.
*No, these little wonders fill that empty void that was my terrible, unsatisfied life of doom and gloom.
*There are worse fates. Just ask your parents.
26. Why did you wait so long to have children?*We were too busy drinking, drugging and dancing naked on bar tables.
*Most people don't realize schizophrenia becomes more manageable in middle-age.
*You soured me on the whole concept of humanity until I realized not everyone is an imbecile.
27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.
28. When they arrived, did they know how to use the toilet?
*Yes, of course, because it's easier than reaching the faucet. [Pause here so they can think about what you just said.]
*Don't worry. They won't try to flush you. I explained to them the different kinds of turds.
*They want rich Americans to take their children away. It's a master plan to bring down the United States.
30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
12-02-2010 @ 1:00PM
Michele said...I am adopted and I don't think most of these questions are that offensive. I agree some of the questions depend on how well you know the person. Some of the questions are rude, but you have to chalk some of them up to basic curiosity.
Reply
12-02-2010 @ 3:40PM
emmagrace1997 said...I loved this! I mean, I can see how some people without a sense of humor would take this offensivly, but I'm adopted and this hillarious. This did happen when I was little to my mother "Can I touch her hair?" "Can she speak Chinese?" "Does she eat rice?". Sometimes the common sense factor is totally earased from peoples minds. Overall hillarious, and very true. Next time I am asked something, I may pull one of these smart-alic comments out!
Reply
2-06-2011 @ 10:31AM
Mindy said...EmmaGrace, my almost 16-yr.-old Chinese daughter also loved this article - she's the one who sent it to me!!!
12-03-2010 @ 8:57AM
Carrie said...I am adopted myself and so are my cousins. I am white and they are black and both groups have had to endure funny looks when we show up together.
Reply
12-03-2010 @ 9:40PM
Teri said...I was actually asked once by a lady (yes, an adult), "You DO know she is black, right?" My daughter was born in Ethiopia.
Reply
2-06-2011 @ 10:01AM
Mindy said...Did you look at her and say, "WHAT?! Oh my God!" with panic on your face?? ;->
One of my good friends has an Ethiopian son - she's had a couple of doozies already, and he's only a year old!
My kids (Asian) came home as babies and are now teenagers. My oldest daughter caught a man staring at us just a couple of weeks ago as we entered a building - he wasn't even trying to hide his curiosity. It doesn't happen NEARLY as much as it did when they were little, so I ignored it. But my drama-queen teen watched him out of the corner of her eye, then suddenly stopped up short and grabbed my arm, asking me loudly, "What?!?! You're not my REAL mom??!!?" After I composed myself I patted her hand and said, "Oh, yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that . . ." just as loudly. It was the first time she's ever done anything like that in public, and I was actually proud of her for taking control of the situation - even if it was in an, um, unconventional teen sort of way! We've laughed about it several times since.
12-12-2010 @ 2:31PM
Kat said...I am adopted, and 42 years old.
My two favorite questions are;
Is that your grandparents?
Did your mom sleep with the mailman? You don't look like anyone in your family.
Seriously, most people don't mean any harm by their some what out of character comments. But, you have to admit, they can be pretty far fetched.
My response to the grandparent question was, No is that your grandma?
The mailman statement was always a good one, because none of my relatives look alike. So, sure the mailman can be my dad, at least he has a job. ha
Reply
12-17-2010 @ 8:54PM
Alicia said...My best friend is adopted. I have never once asked about her adoption except once to ask how old she was when her parents brought her home. If you're close enough to an adopted family to have any right to ask questions as personal as these, you don't need to. Just spend time around the family and you absorb all the information you'd get by asking and more without making anyone feel uncomfortable.
Reply
12-28-2010 @ 3:38PM
Kelly said...I had a woman ask me some of these questions which I did not respond to with sarcasm. After a couple of minutes she stopped, said she was sorry for the dumb questions but she had been considering adoption for quite a while and I was the first person she felt she could ask some questions as I was so happy looking being with my daughter. What would have happened if I'd been sarcastic? Probably she'd have walked away ashamed and been afraid to ask anyone else. I was glad to help her. The one question someone asked me I thought was rather dumb was: "Does she understand English?" She was 5 weeks old at the time.
Reply
2-06-2011 @ 10:01AM
Mindy said...Kelly, I got the English question, too - not did she understand it, but did she speak it - my daughter was 5 months old at the time. I chuckled and said to the person, "I guess we'll find out when she says her first words!" She realized then what a silly thing she'd said, and laughed and apologized.
I don't believe ANY of us would actually use the answers in this article - but it is nice to know we are not alone in being the 'victim' of unthinking interrogations!
1-06-2011 @ 1:15AM
Sunny said...Just tell them that your children are Americans that's it. America are the melting pot of all colors. Just tell them that we're Americans!
Reply
2-06-2011 @ 10:01AM
Mindy said...As an adoptive parent, I can tell you that I have been asked some
version of almost all of those questions. When a friend or someone
who is interested in adoption OR my children (like one of their
teachers, etc.) asks some of them, it makes sense. Some of these, like the open adoption question, only become STUPID questions when they are asked by complete strangers. Context is everything.
My children and are of different races, so we're obviously an adoptive family. For some reason, especially when they were little, that compels complete strangers to feel they've been given a free pass to discuss our private family business. Even as my children got older, some of the questions posed in front of them just blew me away! I learned, when they were old enough to understand the questions, to pointedly defer to my kids - "Honey, would you like tell your story, or would you prefer to keep it private?" At which point most people would get the point and apologize for intruding.
I always did it nicely, and mostly I tried to keep a sense of humor and aimed to educate, deferring to the assumption that there was no malicious intent.
That being said, though - I had to answer in the way that I felt most
benefited/protected my kids, and I had to model appropriate responses.
Being able to laugh about it is key - and that is the point of the
article.
Reply
4-24-2011 @ 9:40AM
Jo said...You would be amazed what people ask and say to adopted people. it is strictly no ones business -it is a family matter . I always answer but keep it short ,I would like to reply "where you conceived at home ,because most accidents happen at home" -but I rise above it !!
Reply