SmackDown: Should Parents Give Gifts to Adult Children?

Aren't all grown-ups adult children?

The fact that someone is MY child, if I want to get them a gift, shouldn't make a difference.

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By all means, don't feel as if you have to get your adult children gifts. You'll need to save your money for the rides to the store, the doctor, the help around the house and all the other things adult children do for their parents when they get older, not to mention just visiting with them AND bringing them gifts on birthdays and holidays, I mean, gee, we're done here, right? If my mother couldn't afford to buy me gifts, that would be fine, but if she stoped giving me gifts because she was cheap like this writer, she could sit in her own urine for all I cared.

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I love to give gifts and receive gifts but there does come a time when adult children should stop expecting gifts from their parents. For me that time was when I became a Mother. My parents chose to continue give me gifts, for which I was happy and grateful, smaller than in the past which was fine with me. I'd rather they spend the money on my son.
Now that most of the relatives in my generation are married with children we only buy gifts for the children (under 18). For the adults (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) we do a grab bag with a $30 limit.
With my parents and sister we started doing a fun thing: give money in a creative way. The $ amount is $20. We had a blast last year and are going to do it again this year! Everyone got so creative and we had a fun time ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over the inventive and fun ways we all came up with to give cash.
This way we still have the fun of giving and receiving gifts but don't have to break the bank to do so.

There have been times in the past when my parents would give me an expensive gift (combination Christmas and birthday since my birthday is in December) and they would always ask me if I prefer a gift for each or a combination gift.

One year they gave me the best gift ever. I had borrowed money from them as I was in a very bad financial state and struggled for two years to pay them back. It wasn't a huge amount but I promised to pay it back and did my best given my situation. That year for Christmas they wrote a lovely note that said they would forgive the balance of my debt. I will never forget that. It enabled me to get back on my financial feet by myself. And not once have they mentioned it or held it against me, and I know they never will. That's how much they love me! : )

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I think a time comes in a persons life that it is time for a child to tell mom and dad to concentrate on the grandchildren or even the great grandchildren.My father died 20 years ago and my mother does have savings in her 401k but they are way down the past few years. My mother had part of her lung taken out and she pays $ 1000 a month for her medication for about 4 to 5 months a years. But again like she has for several years will pay for gifts right down the tree as she always does because that is the way she is. My branch will break from the tree this year,i am not so greedy that my mothers life is worth less then a year of Christmas gifts. She can give me a hug and a kiss and tell me Merry Christmas and tell me she loves me just like all the 53 other Christmas Holidays past. This one will be with presents and be returned by the adult kids and all the money gave back to her.my mothers grand kids are over 21.

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I think that the author having been "cut off" at age 20, is so bitter inside and trying to hide it well, so she thinks that every other parent needs to cut off their adult children as well. I have 7 adult children, a 12 yr old, and 6 grandchildren. Add to that that I live on Disability with husband's income which isn't a lot by any means. As long as I am able, my adult children will recieve Christmas and birthday gifts. They always come after the young ones are taken care of, and they're small gifts, but these are my children forever regardless of their ages. The few that live nearby help me throughout the year so they get a little extra if I can swing it, but there is no way I will not gift them with something. All of them are financially responsible, have great jobs/careers except for one daughter recently laid off and she is using that time between looking for work helping me around the house. I'm sorry that the author 'missed out' because her parents chose to 'cut her off', but don't be lecturing those of us who CHOOSE to celebrate our children whether they are 3 or like my oldest, 36. There ARE years we can't afford it and they understand, but when we can, we'll love our children emotionally, heart and soul, and gift-wise as well. Happy holidays to everyone!

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I buy my parents gifts and they buy me and my husband gifts we love to give it's in the spirit of Christ to give.

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I guess I don't see why giving a gift implies spending alot of money. I was a single mom who struggled, but I stayed creative, and we spent days baking cookies, decorating the tree, and just generally having happy holidays. I stopped giving Christmas and B-day gifts at their request- they're both in their late 20's, make good money, and own their own homes. But- that doesn't mean I don't give them things I know they'll appreciate and enjoy.Spontaneous gifting is a lot of fun, instead of something that is "expected" from you as a parent. My familly is a large one, with lots of grandchildren now; my siblings all agreed years ago that we would have a big get together and family dinner, but when you have 49 people in the family it is impractical for everyone to give and receive gifts. Individual families still give their kids gifts, but we were all relieved to just get together and enjoy the family (also, we have a few competitive gift givers, which was just getting rediculous). I do think some of the resentment expressed by the one author is about kids who feel "entitled" and expect some fairly pricey presents. When I remarried late in life, I got an adult step-daughter who expected her father to constantly cough up large amounts of money (and I mean thousands of dollars at a pop). He's incapable of saying no, so I play the bad guy, She's learning though, and she's done very well putting her life back on track. On 3 occasions when she needed medical treatment and couldn't afford it, I happily sent her the money, and sometimes I send her a little bit of cash because I know she's on a tight budget, working and going to school. Its not about the money or gift giving at all, in the end, but it is vital that we raise children who are responsible, independent, AND KIND AND GENEROUS! I dont see how being a Scrooge teaches a child anything positive. I do think that holiday memories are a priceless gift for everyone- and when I'm gone I can't say I'd like my children to give a eulogy that says "she was always a fair parent- she never gave anything to any of her kids".

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While I disagree w/Nina Herzog, I kind of have a little trouble with Amanda's attitude too- "Unfortunately, as my age has increased, the number of gifts I've received since my teenage years has dwindled. As a young adult in my 20s, earning a relatively small income, I look forward to any opportunity for my parents to treat me to that special item I cannot afford myself. A digital camera? A new pair of shoes? Maybe an iPod? What about that bracelet I've been eying online? Remember, Mom, the one I e-mailed to you twice (or three times or four)?

Gifts are in the eye of the beholder. Big, small, "good" or "bad," there is no way to measure what makes a gift exciting. But receiving a gift means my preferences have been monitored, and my desires recognized."
I could be wrong, but there seems to be some expectation here that her parents somehow owe her little treats she can't afford for herself. And what's with the" preferences monitored and my desires recognized? " And what about her parents preferences and desires? What if they can't afford to continue this? Would that mean they love her less? I am somewhat bemused by the idea that she has sent her mother 2 or 3 emails about a bracelet she wants. It will be interesting to see how long she expects her parents to subsidise things she cannot afford because she "is in her 20's and has a relatively small income" Welcome to the real world, where you don't get every thing you want, and you get to learn the art of living within your means.

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I read the first article on the left, and my thoughts on that one was that the author came off intitled. The second author came off slightly rude. In my opinion, gifts are a way of expressing that you are thinking of someone and that you care enough about them to TRY to get get them something IF you can afford it. My three oldest sons, all minors, make me some of the goofiest things but I love of them. I can not see that changing when they become adults. My mother does gift me things, but only things she can afford. I only tell her what I would like if she asks me, unless we are just talking about things in general, not "will you get me this for my birthday" etc. I do the same thing. If I can afford to get somone something, I do. If I can not I do not. Simple. The people I care about in my life know that if I did not get them something it is because I could not, not because I did not care.

I stopped before I posted it to think about this some more and realized that every family is different. If the family of the first author is fine with that, that is their prerogative. The same with the later author..individual decissions, even if it is not how I was reared.

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This article makes no sense to me and makes everyone involved sound cheap and uncaring. We have one adult daughter and we are all very close to one another. I'm always thinking of cool things I could get for her birthday or Christmas and I know she does the same.

When she moved to Japan for a year after graduating from college (where, by the way, she had lived with us and we were happy to have her) we missed her terribly and couldn't wait for her to return at Christmas. She brought us some very cool presents from Japan and we tried to give her cool things she could actually take back with her. She asked us to visit her there and we did in the spring and it was a joy. She paid for us to ride with her on the famous bullet trains to Kyoto, (I'm sure it was not inexpensive, either) and refused our offer of chipping in. It's all about sharing and giving and taking in stead of being one way.

I'm sorry for children and parents who have failed to develop a relationship with each other that is a two way street. We will always be delighted to find those special presents for her and I know she will do the same. There is no reason not to exchange gifts with those you love and we look forward to it always.

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As a 20-year-old who is paying for college on her own, I resent the fact that the author of the article on the right acts as though all of us are getting financial help on a regular basis from our parents, especially when it comes to paying our college tuition. My parents cannot afford to pay for my tuition nor would I ever expect them to; college is my own investment, not theirs.

Also, when it comes to gifts, I never initially ask for anything for holidays or birthdays because I don't want anyone having to buy stuff for me. Eventually after some goading from my parents, I will mention a DVD or something else fairly inexpensive that I like, just so they don't go off and spend a lot of money because they don't know what else to get. I would never ask my parents for "latest jeans, the hottest sneakers and the newest gadgets." I have a job, and if I want those things, I'll buy them myself.

And I think the article on the left is just as bad. I don't look forward to holidays or birthdays for the gifts. I actually look forward to them because of the break from school I get and because I can spend time with my family without stressing about schoolwork. The only gift I truly look forward to is what is in my stocking every year. My parents have done that every year and always put in our favorite shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. It's nice that then I don't need to buy these things for the next month or so and my parents know that they've really helped me out without spending too much money. I wouldn't want to open my stocking and see and ipod or a new cell phone.

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