Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Christie O. Tate: I Love and Welcome My Daugther's Rage
Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to the Parents Who Are Seeking to…
SmackDown: Should Parents Give Gifts to Adult Children?
Filed under: Holidays, Empty Nest, Opinions, Relationships
Mother and daughter battle it out. Is their presence present enough? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Unwrapping Never Gets Old ... Even As I Do
by Amanda FeinbergI love receiving gifts. Who doesn't?
But when it comes to opening a gift from one's parents, well, that's just the crème de la crème of gift-getting. They just give better, don't they?
As a young woman in my 20s, I have come to rely on my parents for much more than just annual birthday gifts or wrapped boxes on holiday mornings. But I really can't think of anything more exciting than receiving a gift from the two people who love me the most -- my mom and dad.
One of my most vivid childhood memories is from Chanukah, circa 1995. Gwen Stefani's band, No Doubt, had just released its breakthrough CD, "Tragic Kingdom," and I will never forget seeing the thin, square outline of a compact disc beneath the blue and silver wrapping paper lying on our kitchen table.
Upon unwrapping, I instantly squealed. It was the CD I had hoped for! My mother knew exactly what I wanted and that, in and of itself, was the most valuable gift I could have received that year.
Unfortunately, as my age has increased, the number of gifts I've received since my teenage years has dwindled. As a young adult in my 20s, earning a relatively small income, I look forward to any opportunity for my parents to treat me to that special item I cannot afford myself. A digital camera? A new pair of shoes? Maybe an iPod? What about that bracelet I've been eying online? Remember, Mom, the one I e-mailed to you twice (or three times or four)?
Gifts are in the eye of the beholder. Big, small, "good" or "bad," there is no way to measure what makes a gift exciting. But receiving a gift means my preferences have been monitored, and my desires recognized. The act of unwrapping any gift makes a child feel special, whether that person is 5, 25 or 55.
Sure, I have my set of online wish lists (bless you, Amazon), but a gift is much more than the object alone. It's the thought behind that gift that makes the item really count. The approval and attention parents bestow upon their children means a great deal, and gifts are a way of expressing the excitement and gratefulness a parent feels for a child on birthdays, holidays and other important events.
Just because I've reached some semblance of adulthood doesn't mean gift giving has to go out the window. By the way, my birthday is June 22. Presents happily accepted.
Adult Children: Grow Up and Gift Out!
by Nina HerzogAs parents, we really never stop giving to our children. Especially true in today's expensive world, we tend to keep giving well into adulthood.
Whether it's advice, moral support or, when possible, financial assistance, we seem to be an ongoing crutch for our slower-to-grow-up children. So, when do we draw the line on buying gifts for birthdays and holidays? I suggest the age of 25.
Teaching our adult children the value of hard work and financial gain is paramount, and the annual influx of gifts on special occasions tends to fiddle with those important life lessons.
When my daughter graduated from college I felt a sigh of utter relief. The last tuition bill was paid, the last back to school wardrobe had been purchased and the last set of over-priced text books had been paid off. But was the financial aid really over?
Nope.
Today, we live in a society based on consumption and excess. Instant gratification is the way of the world. What middle-schooler doesn't have a cell phone, iPod and Wii these days?
Every child wants the latest jeans, the hottest sneakers and the newest gadgets. It's our instinct as parents to want to make our children happy -- that satisfaction is priceless. But at what cost? And when is it just enough, already?
By not teaching our children the true value of hard work, we do them a great disservice. And teaching financial independence through a lack of gifts or indulgent purchases is the way to start educating them.
Children today tend to stay in school longer (hello, graduate school), marry later in life as a result of career goals and return home after college due to lack of work or budget restrictions.
These transitions in life, or lack thereof, prolong childhood and delay the entrance into adulthood.
My official transition into adulthood occurred at age 20. At that point I was no longer offered financial assistance from my parents, and was certainly not pampered with gifts for birthdays and holidays.
It's like that T-shirt that reads "My parents went to (insert place here) and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Children today feel a sense of entitlement and expectation. Gifts that demonstrate love and admiration for our children do not have to come in silver paper tied with a bow. No matter how old they are, they will always be "our babies," but at some point the relationship needs to become more equal, and, eventually, the whole parent-child thing begins to resemble a beautiful variation on friendship.
We can begin this process by halting childhood acts of giving and showing our love in other ways, with an occasional special treat on the side.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Holiday Gifts for New Parents
Parents TV shows you some cool gifts that you can give to new parents for the holiday seasons or after.
-
Baby Shower Gifts For the Dad?
DadLabs Ep. 278 The Lounge - We asked our panel of experienced and expert parents 'What's the best gift to get a dude for a baby shower?' Give a baby shower gift to the dad? Golf stuff, tools and beer seem to be common themes. This video is brought to you by New Belgium Brewing. Distributed by Tubemogul.
-
A Grown-Up Gifted Child, Doctor Now Works With Other Child Prodigies
What's it like to raise a child who is smarter than you and everyone you know? We talk to parents about the challenges of giving their gifted kids a normal life. Guests Paul Rasmussen and Dr. Aimee Yermish join Nancy Redd to discuss.
-
Holiday Shopping Tips for Children and Parents
Juli Auclair gives you some ideas for holiday gifts to buy for children and parents.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 3 of 35)
12-05-2010 @ 9:14PM
kaycee214 said...I'm with you on the stocking thing...the stocking was ALWAYS my favorite!
12-02-2010 @ 7:29PM
tana green said...The european side of the family perceives Christmas as a childs' holiday. the southern Americans take it very seriously as religion, the califorians think it's a joke. We give and get accordingly.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 1:46PM
Nicole said...Tana,
I'm curious as to your assumption of Californians thinking of Christmas as a joke. As a born and raised California native, I can say that my favorite part of the holiday was knowing that I was going to get to spend time with my family. That always was (and always will be) the most important thing to me. I will by flying home to CA to spend my first Christmas there in a decade and I consider that time to be unbelieveably precious. So you might want to think before you decide to unfairly group all of us into that category.
12-02-2010 @ 8:11PM
Connie said...As a young child and teenager, I received 3 small gifts and one larger gift from my parents. They gave a token gift on my birthday...once it was pictures of ballerina's that I found at a 5 and dime. I'm 65 and I still treasure the pictures. As an adult, I
received one special gift....usually something I could keep as a remembrance. My parents always spent within their means and we didn't question (I have 3 sisters). My mother told me when I became an adult that she and my daddy thought it was good for us to want something without necessarily fulfilling that "want" on a whim.
On the other hand, when I married, my mother-in-law believed in quantity....we would open gifts until noon.
Now that my children are adults, and as I've read both articles, I realize that I have way overdone it! They are 35 and 39, boy and girl, and I still try to do an over the top gift-giving. I always count to ensure they have the same # of presents....usually 15 to 20 each.
Until recently it was not unusual for us to spend about $1,000 to $1,500 per child.
We are now retired and have cut back on the amount of our Christmas Club savings so we spend between $200-$300 per child and give them $200-$300 in cash. Our daughter still enjoys opening lots of presents and our son would rather open an envelope with money.
We don't overdo it as much with the two grandboys, 5 & 6, who belong to our daughter. We do much more for our children.
We are middle class folks and from what I have read, perhaps we should reasonably be cutting back a little.
I am a natural born giver so it's difficult to rein me in, but I am seeing the logic of doing so with perhaps one or two really nice gifts and maybe not so much absolutely everything on their lists.
Reply
12-04-2010 @ 2:09PM
Theresababe24 said...Boy, I am just happy that Nina Herzog is NOT my mother or related to me! I don't feel as if my mother HAS to give me a gift for any reason, and my mother does not feel as if we HAVE to give her gifts for any occasion, but we do. We do because we WANT to. My youngest sibling is 30. Our father died when we were kids and one of my siblings died tragically 3 years ago. All of us adult children have full time jobs, as does our mother. If picking out that special gift for one another at Christmas or on a birthday is something we want to do, then that does not make us spoiled, entitled, or unable to recognize the value of money. It is something we WANT to do and that we feel good doing for one another. If Nina Herzog feels her children are just so much of a financial burden, then why even have them? My mother raised 4 kids on her own when our father died, we did not have much money growing up. We paid for our OWN educations, so to argue that kids should not get gifts as adults is just ridiculous! I paid off my student loans, all $67,000 of them. I bet I learned more about money having to make those loan payments every month than her child learned from her free ride to college sponsored by her!
Reply
12-04-2010 @ 5:01PM
Kairie C. said...My mother gave me presents until she died at 73, but they weren't expensive, and she could easily afford them. Instead she would go out shopping until she found something that "looked like me," like maybe a shirt, carefully wrap it and top it with a bow. I loved those gifts mostly because it was clear she had spent some time and thought on them, and I tried to always do the same, because I was also taught from an early age that giving is fun too. I remember being a very young child and having no money to buy presents, so my father took me shopping, let me pick out a pair of gloves for her, and paid for them himself, then let me wrap them (more clumsily than Mom) and put my name on them -- To Mommy from Kairie. I was thrilled to be able to give her a gift. As I got old enough to babysit for a little money of my own, I bought the gifts myself, for everyone in my immediate family. I still do, but I can't spend much because I'm now on disability which pays at the poverty level and I have great difficulty just paying my household bills and monthly medical bills, and then my sister expects me to buy gifts for not only her, but also her husband and all six of their children too. This may be the last year I can do that, because my small savings are rapidly dwindling as the bills exceed my income now. I don't think of myself as being very materialistic: I live happily without a TV or expensive electronics and heat my little house with a woodstove because wood is much cheaper than oil for the furnace. Yet I find my feelings hurt that last year my sister "never got around to" sending me some kind of gift in return (we live in different states). It's not that I need more "things." I have plenty of things in my tiny house already; in fact this year I began selling some of my belongings to help cover the bills, and I can't say I missed any of the things I sold. It's that I miss having a gift that someone lovingly picked out especially for me to open on Christmas morning, like my mother did. There were no presents for me to open last year, and I have to admit that it made me feel lonely. I don't think that makes me greedy.
Reply
12-08-2010 @ 10:04PM
Betty said...Kairie, it's sad that your sister knows your fiancial situation yet still expect you to buy presents for two grown-ups and their children. Then she doesn't send you a little somethig to open on Christmas
morning. You have a responsibility to yourself. You must get out there and buy two presents or three for Kairie. You must beautifully gift wrap them just as you would for someone else. Place those presents under your tree and leave them there until Christmas morning. You must treat yourself first. I'm sorry but you must do unto yourself because no one else is going to. You have to do you first. There's no time to be feeling sorry for yourself. No one else will be so why should you? Buy yourself those three presents and Merry Christmas.
12-04-2010 @ 8:04PM
fireoasis said...I am nearly 40 years old and my lovely mother, of rather modest means in her growing age, still makes sure that I get a gift at the holidays and at my birthday. Sometimes it is simply a card, or a treat to a dinner or something small. It is her way of letting me know that I am special to her. She often times finds things throughout the year that she thinks I will enjoy and gifts them to me. For that matter I do the same to her. The writer on the left does tend to make it sound as though she relies on those gifts from her family, which honestly there is no reason to do so. While the writer on the right makes it sound as if she wants nothing to do with her children after they have moved past her 'financial' responsibility. As a mother of two myself, even though they are young, I give them gifts throughout the year, yes more on holidays and birthdays but the gifts are our way of sharing love. Even if the gift is no more then a $2.00 little thing. Those who have written that children grow up these days to 'expect' things are forgetting that as adults and parents we raise them that way. Teach a child that their 'worth' as a person is far more valuable then if they are wearing the most popular pair of jeans and you will have less issues with such begging and pleading for the 'next best thing'. My daughter is in the tween years and I'm so very proud of her and that she does not 'beg' for the 'cool' things. She asks simply for things she likes. Children will always ask for things, as they are reliant on us for everything. Teach them the value of earning things and they will learn valuable life lessons. Stop giving allowances simply because the child exists, and give them such based on 'earning' either by school work, home work, or other things they are responsible for.
No matter what, do not create the feeling in gift giving, or getting, that either party, yourself or your child is entitled to it. Instead make sure that gifts are given in the spirit they are meant, displays of our love and affection for the most beautiful creatures in our lives, for without my children or my mother, my life would be far less enjoyable.
Reply
12-04-2010 @ 9:41PM
LUNALILO said...Lordybee, I am sure glad Nina isn't in MY family. Scroogey ol' thing. Geez. I'll bet her pennies scream every time she picks one up! Obviously she has never known the Joys of Giving, and with her attitude, never will.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 2:04AM
Kate said...Back in the day, my father made me pay for long distance phone calls. I paid for my own college, and he would not help me by co-signing a car loan when he had done so for my brothers (girls don't need cars perhaps?) Yet, well into adulthood, up until their respective deaths, my parents (okay, my mom) remembered every birthday and Christmas. My mother grew up without a mother and enjoyed giving to others. Sometimes it was just something little, but it was always generous, given her limited means in later years. This Christmas, I'm sad that I don't have her to send a gift to, but I have others to think of, so I'm grateful. It's not about the stuff, it's about the people you're thinking of when you send a gift. (And, the gift doesn't have to be material, it can be an experience or pair of tickets to a show, etc).
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:07AM
Gregg said...Gifts are matters of the heart. They are not given because they are deserved or earned. Gifts are not rewards. Wanting to give a gift should be enough of a reason to give it. My mother's side of the family gives each other gifts through adulthood. My father's side of the family stops at about age 12. I love giving gifts. I will continue to give them until my children/grandchildren are way into adulthood.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:37AM
Angel said...Why would parents have to stop giving their adult children gifts on the holidays? Obviously the point of Christmas isn't to give gifts, but it's family tradition. Especially when family doesn't see each other for large periods of time, and the world is changing for them, it makes an adult child feel like something is still the same. I'm almost 20 and my mom had me make a list of things I want and things I need. Only ten things. I'm not saying that I feel like a kid again, but it's nice to know that at the very least my mom is interested and that she cares. Throughout the year I'm looking for things that my parents would enjoy having, taking note of what my mom mentions she likes, and I try to get it for her. It's not a matter of being too old, because no one's too old to get a gift. It's a matter of showing that you care, celebrating the holidays, and holding tradition.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:31AM
robyn said...I dont feel there should be an age on gift giving. Gifts come from the heart and are given with love. It dont matter how large or how small they are. My mother does not celebrate Christmas due to her religion yet she and my father (who does) always has a family dinner for me and my 2 brothers and our families. We all exchange gifts. Some years they are nice gifts others it is what was in the budget, but every year it was given with love and was given to each of us as being special. Birthdays are special and we get a card with a small amount of money in it to buy us dinner or get our nails done or anything we deem special for our day. My parents every year says they dont wish any gift except that we are together for dinner on that one day of the year. Each one of us kids make sure we are present and spend time with them and we also always get them a gift that they can enjoy on their fixed income. Most of the time we give gas cards to my dad so he can take his camper out and go fishing which he wouldnt be able to do on the fixed income with gas prices like they are and for mom we get her gift cards to get her hair done and to buy new dresses that we know she wont budget in for herself for their income. We also give during the year like com ing over to clean the house because it is so hard on her to do the little things, or we sneak in an extra gas card because dad was been talking about fishing. I think gifts dont stop or are based on age, but love. When my parents was working and I was struggling through school and being a single mom daddy would sneak 2 hundred bills in my books or something so I could buy for my son, or get the books I needed for school. He as done for my brothers as well. Gifts should be given with love and for the situation. I so look forward to my gift from my parents each year because I know how happy they are to give it to me and how special it means to me to have them here with me to celebrate another year.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:38AM
DaddyO said...After reading the pros and cons on this I guess I would best some it up this way. My mom and dad were good to me and my brother and sister when we were young and lived at home and shortly after we all married and moved out. However when my wife (now ex-wife) infused their first grand daughter in the mix she went off the deep end indulged her to the point where the true meaning of xmas got lost. She got a combination of toys and clothes that seemed endless. While if one can afford to do something like this is ok but to me it MORE as to what simple things I did with them (Bake cookies, read stories, etc.) that should be the focus here. We have become "trained" to spoil our children at very high price. When I die, do I want my children to remeber me for what I gave them but not what I did for or with them?
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 9:22PM
kaycee214 said...Hit the nail on the head!
I also tend to pick things up for my son through the year for "just because". (Matchbox cars especially) He's 3 and I've never heard "I WANT" in a store even when passing the toy department. I'd rather grab the ingredients and make cookies or pudding with him. He loves doing stuff together over getting a new toy that will soon be forgotten at the bottom of the toy box.
12-05-2010 @ 6:45AM
amanda $ said...this article was dumb! i love getting and giving gifts. if i don't have the money around christmas or a family or friends birthday then i will make it up to them when i do have the money and im 20 but i still get stuff from my parents sometimes like my mom will buy me a phone or pay my bill for me if i can't do it. or get me a cd or bottle of perfume i've been wanting all year but i don't think parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles should stop giving gifts!! we can make someone who is a cookie lover their fave batch of cookies and for someone who loves photography or taking pictures well we could have a picture they loved framed or touched up to look like it came out of a magazine if we don't have the money for a fancy gift. the type of gift is never what matters it's always the thought that counts and it shows you were thinking of that person. what happened to the holiday spirit! geez.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:38AM
rejoices777 said...My grown sons birthday is a week before Christmas and I love giving him gifts. Even when there was not a lot of money, I found a creative responsible way to do this. This year, I'm sharing some small family treasures that would eventually come to him anyway. I like giving "with a warm hand" so that he doesn't have to wait until I die to enjoy these things. I also made him a scarf so that , when he wears it , it will be like a hug from me. None of this cost me anything but the postage to ship it to the out of town city where he lives. I will get to watch him open these gifts on Skype. Teaching financial responsibility has nothing to do with giving a gift- it is about choosing an appropriate gift that says I can't thank you enough for being here for me to love.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:42AM
Loretta said...I bet Nina Herzog buys presents for her friends for the holidays.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:41AM
rachel said...I just don't understand Nina Herzog's logic. By her estimation, does this mean that no adults should give presents to one another because we've all "outgrown" birthday and holiday presents? If so, that's just a depressing view of adulthood. And if not, it seems unnecessarily curmudgeonly to cut your own family off of the gift list while still handing out presents to other "grownups" in your life. Is she insinuating that children should also refrain from getting gifts for their parents? I would have to assume so, or else the whole setup would hardly seem fair . . . how depressing! Not that birthdays and Christmas/Hanukkah, etc are all about spending money or that you can't have a great time without presents, but cutting family off from gifts because they need to "grow up" sounds like a part of the world that Peter Pan was trying to escape. You never outgrow the joy of unwrapping a present or the joy of picking one out for the special people in your life, nor should you have to. Herzog celebrates the time when "the whole parent-child thing begins to resemble a beautiful variation on friendship" . . . well, I certainly buy presents for my friends. I think taking such a harsh stand for the purpose of teaching older children a lesson at times that are supposed to be filled with joy, celebration and giving will just suck some of the life out of parent-child relationships and create undue tension.
Perhaps what she really means is that after a certain age, kids shouldn't expect a huge pile of expensive gifts from their parents, which is reasonable & understandable, but then she needs to actually say that in the article.
Reply
12-05-2010 @ 6:54AM
EDUARDO said...WE ARE OFTEN GIVING PRESENTS TO PPL WE DONT LOVE, eg: CO-WORKERS, MAILMEN, GARBAGEMAN, POOLBOY ETC,,,ITS NICE TO BUY FOR THOSE WE TRUELY LOVE. YOUR PARENTS ARE ALWAYS YOUP PARENTS,,,,A GIFT DROM THEM IS SPECIAL...TAKES US BACK TO OUR CHILDHOOD AND WAKING UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AND LOOKING UNDER THE TREE.
Reply