My Teenage Daughter Was My Best Friend, and Now She's a Terror!

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this with your daughter. I teach classes on parenting (mostly communication skills etc) and this is not uncommon. First off, my biggest suggestion for helping to manage this behavior is to practice "catching her being good". Even though she's now an adult, this "trick" works for people of all ages. When she is rude to you, do not react to her. If she is hurtful, do not scream or become upset. Simply gloss over her attempts to upset you. Instead, only react when she is being kind. If you've had a day as a family in which she has been sweet, make sure to point out, "I had so much fun with you today! Your happy attitude was great."

People--of all ages--repeat behavior that get attention.

Good luck!

dougalcandy, Sorry to hear that your daughter is giving you such a rough time. We went through some of the same sort of issues with our daughter in her early 20s. She was difficult, hot tempered, alienating, and hurtful to us. At a certain point, we set boundaries (kindness, politeness, no abusive behaviors), and we stuck to that. If she was rude or difficult, then we ended the conversation or visit. Our goal was to make her responsible for her own behavior and not to enable her. She has made a lot of headway in the last two years, and she gets it that we are absolutely willing to withdraw from her if she is mean or unkind, until she quits acting out. Things have gotten much, much better, and she is more adult in her actions now. Good luck!

dougalcandy,
If your daughter persists with her nasty, disrespectful behavior, perhaps she should pay for her own education or get a job and move into her own place. There is no reason you should have to accept her behavior and put up with her abuse.

At first glance of your responce I thought you were way off track. You are oh so right. I have a gal pal and her daughter is in her late teens almost 20 and she is constantly correcting her mom. It drives my partner and me absolutely nuts to the point where we said somethng about it. It seems she does it more now.............. I will definitely keep your advice in mind for future encounters with this.

Kenny Nash

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What barf! Tell her when she's been good. LOL!! You've lost control of your child because you are a freind not a parent. I work in the schools and see this everyday. Yes Im a COP not some fuzzy-minded acadamian who's too self absorbed to have any children of thier own but are really good at advising those of us who do. It doesn't take a degree to figure out that when parents are too lazy or cowardly to set and enforce rules and not try to be a childs' "freind" this is exactly what will happen. Listen up folks, you are NOT your childs' friend, your are thier PARENT. Start acting like one . Put your play station away, take an interest in who, what , where and when your kids are up to. take the computer out of the kids room, put it where you can see it, make them hand over thier cell phones at night, stop being niave and blind about what your kids are doing. Can a "friend" do this? Hell no, a PARENT does.

Sorry you are going through this time in your young adult's life. We went through much the same thing with our son. We weren't perfect parents. Who is? Mark (our son) began to change in junior high. Peer presure and wanting to be accepted were a few of the causes. Wow! Your parents are jerks.
After hearing it enough they begin to believe it. Mark was 24 and still liveing at home. He did pay his 1/3 of the mortgage though. His disrespect for us was hoarendous. We moved away a few months ago.
When I told him about our plan it was,"Your abandoning me?) No guilt trips please. It don't work on me.
He called his mother Xmas Eve and said," I love you mom." First time in many years. His respect for me has grown as well.
Sometimes we gotta help them untie the knot.

Perhaps cutting off your daughter's money supply and letting her fend for herself for awhile would straighten up her attitude.
While we want our children to recognize our deepest love for them, this kind of love comes with a price, and being tough demands absolutely NO disrespect from them.
By cutting off your support, they eventually get the picture and hence the parent's support and help continues, but not until then.
This isn't being cruel to our children, but rather teaching them to stand tall in a world which will not tolerate this type of behavior and the respect issue starts/stops with the parent taking the reins.

I had the same kind of problems with my kids, two boys and one girl. It has nothing to do with the sex of the child, but a lot to do with trying to be the best parents and giving them everything they could want or need. I have a degree in child psycholoy and thought I knew all the answers in raising kids, but the truth is giving them structure and discipline is a lot more important than meeting all their needs and wants. All the parents that did that instead of what I did were successful and mine turned out disrespectful and lack ambition and drive. Make it easier is the mistake that lots of parents make and they pay a heavy price later on. If had to do over again I would punish them a lot more and give them a stricter structure - let them know that I am the boss and not their friend or servant!

Oh give me a break. The bottom line is that you are not demanding respect. If my child EVER made an attempt to be rude or impolite, they will be shown the door or window, (and have been) and told to sink or swim. Trust me, the "attitudes" change real quick! Stop trying to coddle your daughter. You are NOT her friend, and she is NOT yours. It is a parent-child relationship Friendship comes later, after they have learned to control and take responsibility for their actions. For now, tell her to pay her own way through college and ACT on it. I am willing to bet that if you are consistent and follow through, her attitude will improve quicker than you can say "good luck!"

with respect to the 16 yr old that all of sudden disrespects her mother, yes this is somewhat nomal behavior for teens but with such a change??........The first thing I would do is drug test her so I can first rule that out...especially if there is any history of addiction in the family. The next step would be treatment...There are many children in juvenile hall today because their parents didn't pay attention to these warning signs. Also, today there are drugs, gangs and drug dealing on the front lawns of the school and no one is home in the neighborhood because both parents are working or absent.

Once your kid turned 18 you owed her nothing. That means NOTHING. If she's an arrogant, inconsiderate fool just cut her off....period. No more tuition payments, no more free room and board at home, zero, zip, nada.....nothing! Let her see how smart she is facing that big bad world out there without Mommy and Daddy paying the bills. She'll wise up fast, believe me she will, and she'll either become a big success on her own (highly unlikely) or she'll come crawling home with a whole new attitude.

Please listen to what AdviceMama said - and also know that it will pay off in the end. My daughter did the same thing and I was stumped. If I can spare you any anguish, I will. Do not take her bahavior personally. You do not need to take her abuse or disrespect but be careful how you react. The simplest rule is to follow the "Accountability Formula". Basically it is four steps to responding that will in the end teach her (through this) how to rationalize emotions. 1. replay the event as if it was videotaped. Narrate what the event was as calmly as you can. 2. Describe how this effects you 3. describe what went on in your head regarding this event 4. MOST IMPORTANTLY tell her what you would like to happen in the future. This really works but practice it a few times first. I tried it on the dog just to get through the motions of it and it went like this.....1. There were pretzels on the table and I had to leave the room, when I returned I saw that you were helping yourself to them. 2. I wanted those pretzels for myself 3. My trust in your dog manners has been compromised. 4. In the future I would like you to put your chin on my foot so that I know you would like to share a pretzel. Sounds weird but after running through this a few times you can see how it makes a person think through a reaction which has been know to be part of the problem. Good luck

Yeah, she is rude, and disrespectful now, but wait until something has happened to her. It usually takes some real good scare to shake some sense into them. For some sadly it's too late, they'll never come home again. I think of the teens and young women out there, who've met some serious creep, and have not been heard from since. They're crying for their mom, saying they're sorry for how they treated her, and begging him to let them go.

Frankly I wonder why you putup with her behavior and attitude. Since she is legally of age I would cut the financial support, let her work for what she gets and figure it out.
We tried everything with our youngest, gave in to her, changed the rules, agreed with her, etc. We also did the family counseling bit. She was also of legal age and we made the decision of no more. Packed a couple of boxes of her belongings, put them on the porch, changed the locks and when she finally came home at 4 AM, told her to take her boxes and leave that we would not pay anymore bills or give her anymore money and to get off the property. We had talked with lawyer and police to find out where we stood legally. Did not hear from her for several years, she did hit family up for help and when they called me I told them it was their decision and I would not pay them back for anything they did for her. She soon learned that she had fairweather friends as well, did find a couch to sleep on, got a job and learned to work her behind off. She also went from man to man, has three kids that could have the last name of WHO as she does not appear to have a clue. She is now close to 40 and has been calling me from time to time. I am open and friendly but still do not trust. Trust will be a long time in coming. The love is still there for her. I KNOW that many will not think so, we all have to find the right answer to the situation and I don't think that the so called experts tht answer questions on line are the real answer to it. Good luck.

I am the mother of a son and the mother/son relationship can be just as volatile. I have been a single parent since his father and I divorced when my son was 3 months old and the only involved parent in his life.
My son is now 21 and a senior in college where I and I alone financed. He has become very respectful, considerate and mindful of my feelings. While home for Christmas he told me several times how much he loves me and appreciates every thing I do for him. So while the teenage years will make you want to seriously think about committing either yourself or your child to a mental institution, it WILL get better....

What is all this BS about teenage angst and hormones? I remember being a teenager, all my famly as well and the last thing any of us would have done is be rude or disrespectful to our parents...or anyone else for that matter. There is too much leniency given to bolshy kids these days, parents are not their friends, they are their parents for God's sake....act like it, and when they get out of line show them how you won't accept it. I'm a guy who I would say is not afraid of too much but boy was I scared of my folks, I loved them and they in turn worshipped me and all my brothers but they were not there to be spoken down to, their word was law and we obeyed. If they said be in by 11.00 we were in and that was at 16 and 17 years old, things have changed for the worse nowadays because parents try t reason with their kids from an early age....THE'RE KIDS......and they'll push you as far as they dare, don't let them get out of line from day 1 and they'll be decent teenagers and beyond, forget new-age parenting, go back to how we were brought up.....with love and care but with a certain amount of fear.......YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!!!!!

Welcome to the club, this is very normal that every parent is going through, we all heard that, and I am always give advise to parents that they think their teenage daughter will be saints
If any parent say that his teenage daughter did not go through these terible 16ths either he is outright lying or something wrong with his daughter.

Your advice sounds so good....until she doesn't obey the rules of the house, you and everyone else are continually walking on eggshells and the 4 year old in the house begins to act like her because he see she doesn't have any consequences for her rudeness, disrespect and all out disobedience. As you can probably tell, I am going through this with my 14 year old step daughter. every kid in the house recognized there are 2 sets of rules. One for them and one for her. Fortunately, Mom, is strating to recognize this too. When she tells me not to "parent" her I thell her ok. When she asks me to take her somewhere I tell her she doesn't want me to parent her and that taking her places is a parents job. She gets mad and says she hates me. My wife trie to make that a big deal about her hating me. I keep telling her I am not here to be loved. I am here to train and to parent. Don't be afraid to say no, you will not treat me that way.