My Teenage Daughter Was My Best Friend, and Now She's a Terror!

What every parent needs to do is help their children become independent persons in their own right. Your daughter needs a little help on becoming independent. I would tell her that next July,she will be on her own. She will need to get a job,apartment and save money for tuition or get a scholarship. NO living at home. Change her room over to another kind of room. She is a visitor in your home. You may need to give her a LITTLE money help at first. I think she will like this arrangement after a few months. Alice

Reply

I raised three amazing daughters as well as an aawesome son. Just be patient. She'll come to you when she's ready to talk & resume your relationship. All of my girls & my son say the same thing, I'm their best friend, but they've never forgotten that I'm their Mom first. While it's very important to have a close friendship with our children the Mom & child aspect is actually more important.

Reply

Teenage years are so tough, I would never want to go thru them again....................have to remember what it was like for us and it will make things easier, support and draw a big line as to what is acceptable and what is not.............stand back, let the waves come, cross your fingers that your imput over the years sank in and wait for it to pass.....................

Reply

OMG!!! You plp are funny I stumbled across this just being curious.....there are 53 comments here and the two best were Advise Mama and the COP...really? Co-dependency, LOL there is so much of that here it makes me sick. Y'all may think this is fine and healthy but you have all these other plp telling you it's not, even experts. It's clear the rebel child syndrome has not left the building. This is what is wrong with most kids today. I have several best frinds and several children, I like it that way. My husband and I have 8 children from 10 to 22 (no teen pregnancies or grand children) I love them all would die for any or all of them but I don't want to be any of their 'best friend' that's why they have friends! I enjoy seeing them have close friends and hearing them cut up and laugh, we laugh with them and have great relationships with them and their friends wout being their 'besties' Gezz...I know this is gonna piss most of you off but Get a life so your kids can have one!!! BTW...the 2 oldest finished HS went to college, dropped out but live in there own place and working...2 teens in HS, doing great...the last 4 in middle and elem...all are acedemically excelling from AP classes, REACH (2), Beta club (3), playing sports (3) and too much other stuff that keeps me sooo very busy, I love it! My point here is we are all healthy, kind, polite, thankful, helpful, loving and a God fearing family that communicates very well, none of them are my best friend, my husband and my HS girlfriends are mine as I'm sure theirs will be. Think about it plp, they deserve a life with lots of variety one day they may have to take care of you but holding them under your wing is only gonna make you a burden...we are suppose to know better we are the adults and Parents. I'm open minded so if that is what makes your life complete then I think that is great but for the 20th time you can not be a parent and a best friend!!!! Good luck to everyone!

Reply

My daughter was the same age and acted the same. l was mainly a single parent, working hard to support them (her and her brothers). Never got welfare and their father never paid childsupport and since he was a Canadien it was easy for him to just disapear for almost 16 years. Sad part..my daughter still treats me like an enemy and my heart will never heal . She was my first born-my everything .

Reply

This is a hard time for both the parent(s) and the child. My advice is to be firm but fair in all things, no matter how bad you hurt or how angry you get. Love her in your heart; she will know it, even if she cannot acknowledge it for another decade or so. We stuck with the firm but fair policy through many horrific years. Our two troublesome teenage daughters are now lovely, caring forty-somethings.

Reply

As I have repeatedly stated, the basic problem is mothers who want to be their daughter's best friend. You are their best friend when you act as their MOTHER, not their PAL.

No child should be permitted to EVER treat a parent with disrespect. And to continue to pay for a child's lavish lifestyle after they begin being disrespectful is to give tacit permission to the behavior. Cut off the money/cell phones/big ticket items. Children respect parents who command respect by not tolerating their didoes. That starts a lot earlier than when they are in their teens. When I see mommies who cannot control their two year olds, I am not surprised when, at twelve, these kids turn into monsters who talk back, disobey household rules, and worse.

Yes, individuation must occur. But if you do your parenting as the parent and not the buddy, the amount of time spent with a horrible teen is not only minimized, it is practically non-existent.

Establish ACCOUNTABILITY for their behavior at home, in school, in public places. Establish it early, and enforce it consistently. Don't allow tantrums, tears, or terrorization to deflect your household rules. And, above all, don't forget that YOU are the parent. Not the therapist, not the state, not the school. YOU. You are legally responsible for whatever a child does until s/he reaches the age of majority.

Reply

First thing to admit is that you made your daughter what she is. Now, read Dr. Laura's book and change her back! Start by taking away everything that you have provided - she's "entitled" to a mattress on the floor, one set of clothes and healthy meals. NOTHING ELSE! No free rides, no cars, no clothes, electronics, phones, etc. For the first time in her life, make her EARN what she gets. You spoiled her, and spoiled brats turn into rude teens. There's a lot of damage to repair but it can be done. Finally, don't measure YOUR happiness by how she acts. Let her be a mad, spoiled brat. You go have fun and when SHE grows up and starts to act like a sub-adult, start giving things back to her. If you want to take the namby-pamby route and keep spoiling her hoping she'll "come back," you're in for a rocky ride! Call Dr. Laura now and see what she says!

Reply

hey Mom...she is your DAUGHTER..not your "best friend"...mistake number one

Reply

lots people dont disaplin there kids then the kids grow up thinking they can do whatthe hell they want some of them think there gansters my parents never let me walk over them some times a kid a needs spanking i watch a kid swering at his mom & calling her all kinds of names i waas thout to respect my mom hope thing will work out for you

Reply

I think it depends a lot on what you mean by best friends. Am I my daughter's BFF? No. But am I her best supporter, advisor, confidant (but not about some things--she's 24!), absolutely. My daughter never had a "terrible teen" phase--everyone kept telling me it was coming, but it never did. She was almost always respectful and focused on doing a good job in school, moved swiftly away from girlfriends who suddenly turned to sex or drugs, maintained good grades and school activites and dated decent boys. Am I foolish enough to think there were never things that she wouldn't tell me? No, and there are a couple of things I am aware of now that would have concerned me a lot at the time--but she was, and is, a pretty great young woman who finished college while working full-time and now has a good job with a future--and she still calls me nearly every day (usually to tell me about a super cute top she got on sale, or concert tickets she got, just general friend conversation). She had a sad breakup last year and we had a lot of calls about that, too, and she comes home every couple of months for a day or so--so yes we are close and we are dear friends. And that comes from being friends when she was younger. I never abdicated my parental authority--I just rarely needed to use it. Everyone should be so lucky.

Reply

My take on the whole deal is if you raise a bad dog you are not a good dog parent. If you raise a bad child it may not be your fault. Children are taught in school that a parent cannot discipline them and how to report them if they do. This emboldens children to be rebellious in some cases and if they socialixe with a peer group that has the same tendacy's they can become punks or sluts. Parents are stuck with a bad child until they are 18 which can make their life miserable. I believe there should be a child pound where you can drop a bad kid off and be done with them. Perhaps just the threat of that could have a positive effect on a child. I know there are many do gooders out there that will snivel about this idea and people who cannot have a child for some unfortunate reason. This would be a perfect solution for them too as they could scour the pounds for children they could rehabilitate and possibly have some success as the children would view it as a chance to stay out of the pound providing they behave.

Reply

I thing all the war start with the parent first desaproving the teenager behavior. The sign is so clear that from this point nothing is gonna be the same.
Parents forget they were some day a teen and they went thru the same kind problem, becoming a rebel. Parents think the teenager they dont know nothing and they need to be told all the time. The problem is how you send a mensage. If you try they eat the mensage imposing better shut up and think a way how you going to talk to them.
Do you remember when your kid was sit all clean to eat and start to play with the food and was funny. You laught out a lot. Why? because was wrong and was so innocent that you could not get up set. The same way you should find the way they are acting now is funny. Dont even try to desaprove, or it will be worse.
Good luck.

Reply

SO She was Brainwashed in public school and found out you did not vote for Obama............

Reply

We all know that teenage girls will actup.But what happens when you daughter who is 28 decides to turn on you.Got on Facebook and berated the christmas gifts you gave her as being cheep. Thinks you owe her more money for collage.Even the you have borrower 40 thousand dollars and she is in her sixth year in collage.Get on face book and tells people she does not consider her home town her home anymore.All family members abused her.Even her grandparents.Told me to throw out anything that was from her Grandparents.Cards signed with love,and pictures with her grandparents.What possible reason could a 28 year old have to trash her Dads family

Reply

I agree with this therapist. You are not your child's best friend. However I disagree when it comes to ignoring their rude behavior. I always called my girls out when they were anything less than polite to me. I would say things like "just who do you think you are talking to? I am your mother and you will talk to me with the respect I deserve." If and immediate "I'm sorry" did not come, there were consequences. ie: you need a ride to where ever, go talk to someone who you do respect. At 16 there are not alot of friends with transportation. They got the idea. Even if it was a little rough at that moment. Life is give and take. Be strict with them when they are young and as they get older you will find that you will not need to correct as much. They know by then what your standards are. I have two wonderful adult daughters that I get along with very well. We still have our disagreements but we respect each others opinion. Talk is civil both ways, as they are now adults I treat them as I would a person I want to keep as a good friend. They may make mistakes in my eyes but they are entitled to make their own mistakes. I make mine. A lesson that was hard for me, but I get it. Now I find myself learning from them. I think this is great, I am still learning and growing. Good luck.

Reply

I'm 23, and I can safely say that my mom and I are best friends. But when I was 16, though we were close, I knew that my mom was my MOM.
I'm studying to become a high school teacher, and I'm trying to understand these teenagers. I think the fact that their behavior is caused by changing "hormones" is a bit overblown because I had hormonal changes myself, but I didn't ever DARE disrespect my mom. You know why? Because I knew I'd be getting up off the floor.
My mom is a psych nurse, and I knew then that she deals with enough crazy at work, and there was no way in H she'd stand for craziness at home, not from me, her CHILD. And you know what? I'm better for it because I've earned my mother's respect as an adult and we get along swimmingly.
I'm not undermining the fact that puberty does make things difficult, but kids just don't change overnight. I don't believe that. Terrorized by Teen, the first time she disrespected you, you should have put a stop to it right then and there instead of letting it persist to this point. We give these little kids too much power.
I have a twelve year old relative that we know pretty well, and she knows that I can and will get on her if she even thinks about disrespecting me. I am not the one.
There's no way in H I'd let my teenager terrorize me in MY house that I pay for. No ma'am. She'd be either on the floor or out the door.
Be the parent! Take charge 'cause your daughter ain't paying for jack! Tell her the minute she starts paying some bills, she can talk, but until then, put her on notice, you are her mother and she WILL respect and obey you. No negotiations. No option. She doesn't have to like it, you don't even have to like it, but she'll be better for it because the world outside her house is going to require her respect and obedience, so it's better to learn it at home.

Reply

Teenage years can be so tough. Even though you've tried to be her friend, she may be dealing with some hard things that she doesn't feel she can talk to you about. My parents had always seemed open to talk to but when the social nightmare started for me at school I didn't want to tell them bc I didn't want to disappoint them or risk having them get involved and possibly make a bigger deal out of something I desperately just wanted to go away. I don't think I was ever rude to my parents but surely pushed them away bc I was in a world of pain and at the same time didn't want them to know what a loser & social outcast I had become. And I'm sure I wasn't the picture of happiness at that time. All I'm saying is if she seems to be in a bad mood all the time & is shutting you out, she may be dealing with some tough things that you don't know about. What to do with that, I don't know but would try to remain compassionate and remind yourself that highschool and the changes she's going through can be a very difficult.

Reply

Hi This was well written artical thay was right on, you must be your childs mentor not their buddie or you set your self up for a split till she wears her self out ,she will relove you when she matures and that may not be till she is 40 or better. she has to burn her inner candle out, you will always be loved no matter how nasty she can get. Tough love always works. Love them and set rules or send them packing, they will understand your hard stance as much as they rebel. They will see the fantascy of their dreamy world. All children hate rightous parents. Drop the rightous and set up what you expect on rules in your house. You can not stop them from floating off and on. Peace will come to rest.I have had it all four of my children float and I still love them and they are slowly coming back, it is still your world Darryl Ehlers

Reply

As a mother of 6, I always believed that my role is that of a parent, not a best friend. The youngest 4 have disabilities, but the 2 oldest are well into adulthood - 30 & 33. My oldest is a urogynecologist. While I have always been close to them, I continue to be their mom. When the oldest accidentally slammed a car door on her hand, she called me and I met her at the ER. As we were sitting in the waiting room, she leaned against me and I put my arm around her shoulders. She also wanted me to go in with her while the ER doctor stitched her hand up. My children and I enjoy spending time together, but they still need "mom" sometimes. I wouldn't change that for the world.

Reply