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Bad Advice: 'If You Get Lost, Look for a Mommy'
Filed under: Opinions
As the world heads to the mall this season, a lot of us tell our kids, "If you get lost, look for a mommy."
The unspoken corollary being: "Because a man might drag you off and dye your hair in the bathroom and smuggle you out and rape you." (See Snopes.com for the truth about that.)
What is the message we're giving our kids? "Any man could possibly be a perv." And as that message ricochets through pop culture right back to us, we, too, have started to distrust any male who has anything to do with a child.
A friend just told me that her daughter is taking flute lessons from a fellow in his 80s who barely charges them anything. Good-hearted geezer who loves music and moppets? Or dirty old man luring prey to his lair? My friend is delighted with the guy, her daughter loves him. But other friends are appalled: Why would you trust someone like that?
Geez, how did we ever trust Santa? Talk about an old guy grooming kids with gifts!
So, now we're in an era when being male is a little like being black in the pre-Civil Rights South: Accuse a man of anything and a lot of folks are all too willing to believe it. How did we get to this point? It's something I've been puzzling about for three years, and then last week I finally met up with Paula Fass, a historian and author of "Kidnapped: Child Abduction in America." She may have actually nailed when predator panic began: It all goes back to the abduction of Etan Patz in 1979.
When that blonde-haired, blue-eyed 6-year-old disappeared on his way to school, Fass says his parents believed "for a long time" that he'd probably been taken by a lovelorn woman who wanted a child to raise as her own. The public thought so, too. It was only months later that the pedophile theory bubbled to the surface, aided by a lurid novel about the topic. And when it did -- it exploded.
There is no evidence of an increase in predators these past 30 years, but the number of books, movies, articles and TV shows about them shot off the charts. The idea of beasts snatching children off the street is the easiest story for the media to sell us: It's got outrage, horror and sex! It's the news equivalent of a hamburger, fries and a shake -- bad for us, but who can resist?
After Etan Patz, we were swimming in stories and pictures of missing kids, usually without any context (like, were they really taken by strangers? or by a parent in a custody dispute?) We are swimming in them to this day, constant reminders of innocents in peril at the hands of men.
And so we tell our kids, "Look for a mommy." And as we pass Santa, we watch him out of the corner of our eye. He'd just better not wave at our kids.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
12-07-2010 @ 12:26PM
Shel4Short said...My parents told me that if I got lost at a mall to go to the nearest store and tell the person who worked there. It happened when I was 6, and they called whoever they needed to track down my Grandpa and get him there.
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12-07-2010 @ 12:37PM
Alicia said...That's what my parents tell me and I tell the kids I babysit whenever I take them out: Look for someone in a uniform and ask for help. Doesn't matter if it's a security officer, a cop or a clerk. They'll know who to call and how to find the adult in charge of the child.
12-07-2010 @ 1:29PM
Kathy Potter said...It's scary to be lost as a kid. I remember. There's some ideas on Http://bit.ly/WashHands for teaching kids important things in life. The site has a lot of great freebies for families too.
12-14-2010 @ 12:45PM
Kate said...My parents did the same thing - they'd always point out what people who worked in the store were wearing and told me to go find one of them if I got lost.
1-10-2011 @ 11:31AM
kathleen_forsell said...I say look for a mommy or daddy. Someone who has kids with them.
12-07-2010 @ 12:43PM
Sara said...I've always told my daughter to ask an employee (someone with a name tag/uniform) or someone with kids because those are the people that are most likely to stop and take the time to help. People by themselves are more likely to brush her off.
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12-07-2010 @ 1:47PM
Liz Lynch said...My parents always did "find a person in uniform if you can, if not a clerk at a store, if not a parent with kids." The parent choice was not because parents are safer, but just under the theory that a parent would be more willing/better able to comfort a lost kid and help them find parents. I think most people would want to help, but a parent with kids is also less likely to be worried about being taken for a predator if they lend aid.
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12-07-2010 @ 2:09PM
liveotherwise said...I tell my children to look for someone in uniform, like a policeman, or someone organising something. But if they got lost say in a field (like when we go to a festival) I tell them to find a family. I figure that parents with children are more likely to help a child and understand them. And if I told them to find a mommy it would be reasoned along those lines, not because I'm scared of them talking to men.
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12-07-2010 @ 2:01PM
Sarah said...I see nothing wrong with a little pro-activeness when it comes to the safety of my children. I am dumbfounded by some parents who will not let their 10 ride their bike alone or let their teen shop at the mall by themselves, but there is being over cautious and then there is putting your hands over your ears closing your eyes and refusing to acknowledge the dangers out there.
Do I think it is likely that some random stranger is going to grab my kid. Do I think some random stranger would molest my child more likely than them being grabbed. I know most molestation happens from family, but my girls have very few male relatives and don't spend any time alone with them. I was molested by strangers as a child on 2 different occasions so the whole ah it will never happen is not true. Telling a child to look for a mommy is not telling them all men and single women are predators it is simply giving them an easy person to identify and ask with the most chance for success. If I tell them to find someone in a uniform and they pass up 3 moms to approach the 18 year old boy whose off duty from some other store just grabbing lunch and he blows her off she may be to nervous or distraught to try again and find the appropriate person. Whereas a mother is more likely to have compassion for the child's situation and can identify the correct employee to approach for help.
As for the music lessons my daughter would go. But my husband or I would be right there in the room watching the whole time not because I don't trust him, but because protecting my daughter while not smothering her is more important than anything else.
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12-07-2010 @ 2:12PM
TerryBogard said...Predator panic ebbs and flows. There was Predator Panic in the 1930s with the advent of sexual psychopath laws coupled with anti-gay sentiment in post-WW1 Berlin, then again in the 1950s. Back in those days, being gay was the same as being pedophile. Current Predator Panic is a response to the sexual revolution.
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12-07-2010 @ 2:58PM
Natalie said...I strongly disagree. Ok, so not every guy at the mall is a perv. True enough! But you've got a lost kid... do you want them wandering around in a busy mall looking for an employee or security guard, looking lost, being a clear target for a predator (if one is there)? Or do you want to say "find a mom with kids", knowing that they're easily identifiable, common, and generally very safe?
In "Protecting the Gift", the good point is made that, statistically, your child IS safer with a woman. Not very PC, but true. Also, chances are that if they find a mom with kids, she'll feel more protective and make sure they get back to you instead of just getting you to the front desk and assuming all will be well.
Much of the time, I applaud your common sense, Lenore, but I disagree with you here. If I needed help in a public place, as a woman, I would not ignore everyone around me and search out a security guard... I'd just look for a close person who looked safe. Mothers look safe to me and I'm fine with my kids feeling the same way.
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12-07-2010 @ 2:55PM
dougalcandy said...Is it just me or does every Parentdish topic have a ton of these "Air Jordan, etc" ads? More than usual? I'm finding it hugely annoying when all I want to read is the comments. That being said, I think the best thing for a child to do is to find an employee of the mall--and in reality, they are everywhere, just look at all the kiosks between the stores. Just because someone is a mom with kids doesn't mean that woman will take the time to help the child. Maybe she's stressed, angry, on a time schedule. The same goes for fathers with kids. It would be less time consuming for the lost child to just go into the nearest store, go up to the person at the register and say "I'm lost", rather than wandering the mall looking for a family and possibly gettting even further away from his or her own family.
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12-07-2010 @ 7:40PM
Alicia said...The spammers are out en force because it's the holiday season. Doesn't make it any less annoying.
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12-07-2010 @ 9:07PM
Heather said...I tell my son to ask a store employee, person in uniform or someone with a children. That could be a grandparent or a mom or a dad.
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12-07-2010 @ 11:56PM
Andrea Levin said...I guess I should amend it to "look for a mom OR a dad." Both I think would be the best candidate to help my child find their way back to me.
bedtimesareforsuckers dot com
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12-08-2010 @ 8:43AM
AWB said...Ah. But I was friends with a girl who was raped, murdered, and left on the side of a highway when she accepted help from a strange man. Perhaps that was a statistical anomaly, but for me, it's as real as it gets.
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12-08-2010 @ 11:43AM
Duke of Lacrosse said...The main reason you need to make sure your kids don't ask a man for help is because if he keeps up with the news he's going to run the other way instead of helping. False accusation is far more common than most people think. A man helping a child is like a man trying to defuse a bomb, his life could be over in an instant.
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12-17-2010 @ 11:25PM
95Aggie said...Exactly! My DH is often in the store, with our daughters, but he will not approach a child who appears to be lost. He has tailed one before until the child found the parent but he is not going to approach a child for fear of being accused of wrong-doing.
12-23-2010 @ 8:41AM
Rubinstein said...I have to concur with the other poster, here. I am male, early 40's, and was molested repeatedly between the ages of 7 and 12 by a young woman who was not family but was considered as such. So, I'm a little sensitive to this subject in general and probably a bit more protective of kids (especially my own) than most, as a consequence. It amazes me how parents will let even toddlers wander unmonitored in busy places. I will often stay nearby and keep an eye on a kid, when the parents are obviously not keeping track of them. I do not approach them. If I see the kid starting to look panicked, I find a store associate and point the kid out, "There's a little boy/girl over there who appears to be lost." This has always worked, so far.
12-08-2010 @ 11:51AM
Duke of Lacrosse said...Go to Registerguard dot com and search under "accused boy scout" to find out what happens when a man tries to help.
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