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Maternal Ambivalence: Dr. Barbara Almond Discusses the 'Hidden Side of Motherhood'
Filed under: Medical Conditions, Books for Parents, Expert Advice: Health
Dr. Barbara Almond tackles the topic of maternal ambivalence in "The Monster Within." Book cover design and illustration: Lia Tjandra
It didn't occur to her that some women might make the conscious choice to not have children. That assumption was proven wrong when she treated several women who were each conflicted about whether or not to have offspring. The more she heard the more awestruck she became with the intensity of their mixed feelings, what she later came to call "maternal ambivalence."
In her new book, "The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood," she writes: "I came to realize that all my female patients, past and present, had been or were (at least part of the time) dealing with guilt and shame about the quality of their mothering or their avoidance of motherhood."
ParentDish recently spoke with Almond about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.
ParentDish: This is not a self-help book, but I'm wondering if some women might be seeking some sort of self-help material when they pick up the book. What will they find inside that might be useful?
Barbara Almond: I think that it's not a self-help book, but it's a help book. It's meant to help. I'm describing a pretty widespread phenomenon, I would say ubiquitous, among women. No matter how much they love their children, it can never be 100 percent nor should it be 100 percent. There's much too much guilt and much too much pressure, internally generated pressure in women, which is supported by the pressures that all their friends and relatives are also struggling with, you know that one is supposed to be an all-loving, all-understanding perfect mother as if mothers were not people with needs of their own. Needs for quiet, for sleep, things like that.
PD: Your comment about not having to be 100 percent brings to mind a comment by author Ayelet Waldman about how she loved her husband more than her kids. It caused quite an uproar. What's your take on it?
Dr. Barbara Almond. Photo: Richard Almond
BA: I think she loves her children but her children don't give her the kind of satisfactions that her husband does. They give her a different kind of satisfaction. She's a grown woman and he's a grown man, they have an emotional, intellectual, sexual relationship of the sort you don't have with 4-year-olds. They're adorable and you love them, but they don't satisfy the needs of the adult woman, they satisfy the maternal needs that she has, which are not an exact overlap.
PD: In your book you talk about the "guilty mom" and the "angry mom," two different ways of responding to maternal ambivalence. Can you elaborate?
BA: The point that I'm making is that women feel guilty about the negative side of their ambivalent feelings. Even though I make pretty sure in the book to say several times that ambivalence is a normal human phenomenon, that when you love someone or need them or care about them, you can't help not being aware that you might lose them in one way or another. You might lose their love, they might grow up and leave you, they might run off with another woman, there are all kinds of threats and even when something is very important to you that's not a human relationship, [for example] an athlete may lose his powers, a pianist may have an injury to their hand ... you can't help feeling some ambivalence toward anything that is very important to you, that is, you both love it and hate it because it's so important to you.
This is a normal phenomenon, but women feel so guilty about their angry feelings and their angry dreams and their occasional angry murderous thoughts, that they give themselves an awfully hard time, they feel guilty, they feel angry at the child for provoking their guilt and angry at the child for not being the perfect child that they as perfect mothers should be raising.
PD: How has the book been received? Any surprises?
BA: One thing that surprised me is that the book even got published. My agent ran into so much resistance to this idea, that it would freak people out, that nobody would buy it, that it would be too upsetting to their readers; and I felt it was a needed book. It really kind of blew me away. I thought to myself, 'Well, don't these people read the newspaper? They think this is bad news?' That surprised me.
I'm surprised it's catching the attention it is and doing as well as it is because I was given to believe that no one would touch it with a 10-foot pole. I don't know that I believed that but it was certainly said to me enough times.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 5)
12-11-2010 @ 10:56AM
Alicia said...I don't think it helps that there's a definite push to have children and if you don't you're treated as a freak, so women who aren't sure they want children end up with kids.
Not saying all mommies don't suffer from this, but I think that could definitely be a huge issue as well.
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 6:21AM
Martha said...Well, I certainly did not like my first daughter when she was born, because I felt trapped by her, I couldn't go out and do the things I wanted to do because of her, and I felt guilty for not being a loving mother, and there were times when I thought I wanted to kill my children and knew that if I did, I would kill myself too, and felt so guilty and horrible about all that. I also loved my husband more than my kids, and felt guilty for it. This is all true and I'm glad someone is talking about this. I now love all my kids so much, because they;re grown up and I can talk with them on the same level. I just didn't have it in me to talk and play with children. My husband was best at that, and now I'm best at talking with them as adults.
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 8:44AM
aoskidfeowiafkld said...mama is that you?
1-01-2011 @ 11:10AM
nethdwarf said...I admire you for expressing your feelings . Just as there are many good moms - there are also those that are not as suited for the role. I am so happy for you that everything worked out well for your family. Sharing your experience with your children as they become parents or offering your insights in a support group will be invaluable. God Bless You.
1-01-2011 @ 12:07PM
curious44 said...Martha, if you really felt like killing your kids and the only thing stopping you was knowing you would have to kill yourself afterward, I think you need help. You and every woman that feels like you need help badly. And I don't want any shrink saying this is normal. Having thoughts of killing your own kids is sick, and those women need to be locked up until they can be helped, just to ensure the kids safety. If any person....man or woman, has thoughts of killing another, he is a danger to those around him or her. To think about killing your own children is the thoughts of a monster. GET HELP !
1-01-2011 @ 6:22AM
longwalker said...There is an old saying that I learned from my mother " I will always love you but that doesn't mean that I will always like you." She had seven children, a husband and numerous relatives that she loved but, at any given time, some of us would be on her "don't like' list. I follow her advice and sererate love from like. It makes sense to me.
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 10:57AM
Ginger Emery said...I agree with you, there is a big difference between loving and liking your children. I have 2 girls ages 13 and 6, and I love them both, but there are times that I feel I don't like them. (usually that is when they are fighting the household rules or testing the limits that I set for them) Just last night my 13 year old was in the " I hate you mom" mode because I would not give her extra time on her computer. It used to set me off when she would say it to me, but I have learned that she is testing me and trying to push me to give her what she wants. So now when she says it, I just smile and tell her that no matter how mad she is at me I still love her. I admitt there are times that I don't like her, but I know that is normal. You can love someone, and at the same time not like them. You just have to think of what your life would be like if something happened and they were gone tomorrow. I know that if something happened to either of my girls, my whole life would fall appart. Even with my 6 year old, there are times that I dont like her, but I do love her. I tell my kids that they don't have to like everything I do or say, but I know deep down that no matter how much they say they hate me, They love me just as much. Just don't let the guilt of feeling dislike toward your children cloud your judgement and trick you into backing down to them to give them what they want.
1-01-2011 @ 11:41AM
MC said...It certainly seems to me that not liking the kids is not really what is happening - it is not liking what they are doing/saying at the time, which is not the same thing as not liking the kids.
1-01-2011 @ 6:35AM
Jane said...I am delighted to see this issue being finally addressed. There is such shame in having children and feeling you are an inadequate parent. A woman cannot help her feelings; they just are. I am a senior citizen but when I had one of my children I felt no maternal feelings for her at all. This continued throughout her life and, while I felt guilty about it, I had no way to stop it. I went to therapists, tried talking to friends, etc., etc., all to no avail. For my other children I was an ok parent but not the best. I believe this comes from two things 1) Not all women have a maternal instinct and 2) how a parent has been parented has a lot to do with how they will themselves parent. I wish we would see a lot more on this subject because I believe there are a lot of women out there who feel guilty through no fault of their own.
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 7:11AM
Denizio said...Remember what WC Fields said: "anybody who hates kids can't be all bad."
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 7:27AM
grampz05 said...You, evidently, never heard of un-conditional love.
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1-01-2011 @ 9:16AM
SassyNana said...I agree with you. And, I wonder.....If we say it is not okay to like our kids, when the next we read will be,
It's okay to kill your kids." Kids costing you a full night's sleep? Don't bother asking a sister for help, just kill them and get your beauty rest. New boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't want the you kids as part of your new life together? Just get rid of them, you can have one later if the love of your life wants his.her own. Is this how the recent child killers though? And now, we read, "You don't need to feel guilty about it!"
1-01-2011 @ 12:05PM
Feelings are OK said...OK It is apparent to me you are either not an ACTIVE parent or not human. HELLO people ALL FEELINGS are normal and OK to have the key is what we DO... what action.. we take about them. I raised two young men almost singlehandedly and there were times I truly did not like my boys and I would tell them "I love you but right now I am not too happy with you and I need some time away from you."
I let them know I didn't like them at that moment, more specifically I didn't like their action, but always ALWAYS made sure they knew I still loved them. I also let them know that having 'negative' feelings was OK to have, but again the key was how you handled them. Doing this meant I never hit my kids and my youngest, who has a bit of a temper, learned how to manage that temper safely.
There are times we don't like people in our lives that we love, this is true not just of our kids. Why is it OK to not like your best friend for a week but not OK to feel the same way about your kids? Long to short, we are human, humans have emotions, some of those emotions are considered 'negative' so we think they are wrong to have but they are not. They are a part of us as a whole but once more, (say it with me), the key is what you do with it!
1-01-2011 @ 12:57PM
Proud Mom said...I would ask you since when are like and love the same thing? I find them to be very different. While I did not always like my kids, I did love them to the death if necessary. Think about it for a while and see if you understand it.
1-01-2011 @ 1:50PM
groucho said...I certainly have heard of unconditional love. It's the grand, all-encompassing, non-judgemental kind of acceptance you can expect from God and your dog. Everyone else has normal human reactions which vary from time to time, and such absolutes as "unconditional" are rarely part of the mix. Good God, people, have a little forgiveness and understanding. Don't stop trying, but don't punish yourself when you don't reach the ideal. Ideals are for striving toward, not reaching, for the most part. Nobody's perfect. If you haven't learned that yet, you just haven't lived long enough.
1-01-2011 @ 7:45AM
Ronnie said...I was raised by a mother who was not raised properly herself. She had 5 girls and always said she hated girls and children in general. Women do feel trapped. The 'experts' tell us how we are suppose to feel. The 'experts' are people trying to study people . . who can not study themselves. I believe in abortion yet that's another topic. The world makes females feel 'dirty' when they do not do what is expected of them. I do not believe in being a robot.. I think for myself. R.
Reply
1-01-2011 @ 9:19AM
tom sheridan said...YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN ABORTION. E-mail me at tsherid6@aol.com
1-01-2011 @ 8:01AM
Pierpoint Windsor said...Correct, not all women are geared to mother. Nor are all men engineered to father. Parenting is an ever evolving lifelong challenge. Nothing prepares individuals for what parenting involves from conception on. However, once one becomes a parent, of necessity, some freedoms are sacrificed, postponed or even lost, and with this comes the ambivalence mentioned above. IF you are unsure that you are cut out to parent I'd strongly urge you not to. Unless we're prepared to confront ourselves daily with this total responsibility it is best to never become a parent. Once a parent - always a parent and we OWE everything to the child. God bless good parents>>>>>>
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1-01-2011 @ 8:24AM
Ashley said...I am so glad someone is putting light to this subject. I myself have been struggling with parenting my son since he was born and I always thought some of the emotions I was feeling were un natural for a mother to feel towards her child. I had and still have some anger as well as resentment, there are times I feel awful about it but I have to remind myself that I'm not a bad person and I am a good mother. It's an amazing thing to be able to talk about this subject openly and not be ridiculed for being human.
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1-01-2011 @ 11:24AM
Janet said...I have had the same feelings,my son & I butt heads a lot. He's 41 now & when we feel the tenison rising, I say to him We'll I see I'm getting on your nerves & you on mine, so we give each other some breathing room for a few days then we're back together.It's nice to know you can say how you "feel" (NO fair hitting below the belt per' sa) to your kids and then get over it,We can Express ourseleves and still be friends yes we say I Love you to each other at the end of every conversation and Yes we say Boy I Love you But I sure don't like you today! loving,caring Mother of two