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Maternal Ambivalence: Dr. Barbara Almond Discusses the 'Hidden Side of Motherhood'
Filed under: Medical Conditions, Books for Parents, Expert Advice: Health
Dr. Barbara Almond tackles the topic of maternal ambivalence in "The Monster Within." Book cover design and illustration: Lia Tjandra
It didn't occur to her that some women might make the conscious choice to not have children. That assumption was proven wrong when she treated several women who were each conflicted about whether or not to have offspring. The more she heard the more awestruck she became with the intensity of their mixed feelings, what she later came to call "maternal ambivalence."
In her new book, "The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood," she writes: "I came to realize that all my female patients, past and present, had been or were (at least part of the time) dealing with guilt and shame about the quality of their mothering or their avoidance of motherhood."
ParentDish recently spoke with Almond about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.
ParentDish: This is not a self-help book, but I'm wondering if some women might be seeking some sort of self-help material when they pick up the book. What will they find inside that might be useful?
Barbara Almond: I think that it's not a self-help book, but it's a help book. It's meant to help. I'm describing a pretty widespread phenomenon, I would say ubiquitous, among women. No matter how much they love their children, it can never be 100 percent nor should it be 100 percent. There's much too much guilt and much too much pressure, internally generated pressure in women, which is supported by the pressures that all their friends and relatives are also struggling with, you know that one is supposed to be an all-loving, all-understanding perfect mother as if mothers were not people with needs of their own. Needs for quiet, for sleep, things like that.
PD: Your comment about not having to be 100 percent brings to mind a comment by author Ayelet Waldman about how she loved her husband more than her kids. It caused quite an uproar. What's your take on it?
Dr. Barbara Almond. Photo: Richard Almond
BA: I think she loves her children but her children don't give her the kind of satisfactions that her husband does. They give her a different kind of satisfaction. She's a grown woman and he's a grown man, they have an emotional, intellectual, sexual relationship of the sort you don't have with 4-year-olds. They're adorable and you love them, but they don't satisfy the needs of the adult woman, they satisfy the maternal needs that she has, which are not an exact overlap.
PD: In your book you talk about the "guilty mom" and the "angry mom," two different ways of responding to maternal ambivalence. Can you elaborate?
BA: The point that I'm making is that women feel guilty about the negative side of their ambivalent feelings. Even though I make pretty sure in the book to say several times that ambivalence is a normal human phenomenon, that when you love someone or need them or care about them, you can't help not being aware that you might lose them in one way or another. You might lose their love, they might grow up and leave you, they might run off with another woman, there are all kinds of threats and even when something is very important to you that's not a human relationship, [for example] an athlete may lose his powers, a pianist may have an injury to their hand ... you can't help feeling some ambivalence toward anything that is very important to you, that is, you both love it and hate it because it's so important to you.
This is a normal phenomenon, but women feel so guilty about their angry feelings and their angry dreams and their occasional angry murderous thoughts, that they give themselves an awfully hard time, they feel guilty, they feel angry at the child for provoking their guilt and angry at the child for not being the perfect child that they as perfect mothers should be raising.
PD: How has the book been received? Any surprises?
BA: One thing that surprised me is that the book even got published. My agent ran into so much resistance to this idea, that it would freak people out, that nobody would buy it, that it would be too upsetting to their readers; and I felt it was a needed book. It really kind of blew me away. I thought to myself, 'Well, don't these people read the newspaper? They think this is bad news?' That surprised me.
I'm surprised it's catching the attention it is and doing as well as it is because I was given to believe that no one would touch it with a 10-foot pole. I don't know that I believed that but it was certainly said to me enough times.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 5)
1-02-2011 @ 10:11AM
mswch said...After going through infertility for seven years my children are not only a gift but a blessing however my 5 yr old can get on my nerves so badly that i dont like him i look at him as being weak and babyish but then i watch him jump into the pool and swim like a fish with no fear and those feelings just wash away i am glad its ok to not like your kids but i know deep down that i love him no matter what and that these feelings of dislike are just minor inconveniences in parenting
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1-01-2011 @ 2:24PM
brenda f. said...I agree that sometimes it's not that you don't like your kids but you don't like the actions or misbehaving that sometimes comes along with raising kids. I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old and it is a hassle sometimes to deal with two totally different age groups. Sometimes help is needed from either the father or someone within the family or maybe even parenting classes in order for us moms to cope with certain issues like in my 2 year olds case with his temper tantrums or my 10 year old that thinks she's right and everyone else is wrong. Sometimes it helps to just get all of your emotions out eevn if it is on the internet.
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1-01-2011 @ 2:16PM
Libby said...The link that led me here is this: Why It's OK to Not Like Your Children. Parentdish, please be responsible. There is so much violence toward children going on right now - it's all over the TV and news, that title just puts off all the wrong vibes. This article is about so much more than that disturbing title. I agree not everyone has a mothering instinct, I do agree with maternal ambivalence, and that it's okay to be angry and/or disappointed with your kids from time to time. Even so, that tagline is a very wrong and misleading title that could give people a very wrong idea about what is responsible behavior toward their children. I have two boys, one with a learning disability, and while it has been a challenge to raise them, I have never NOT liked my children. I didn't like the problems that arose from certain behaviors, but at the end of the day they are still my babies, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I think it's totally normal to not like how our kids behave, or what they say, or the way they act in public...but that is an ACTION. That is not the CHILD. I don't feel it is OK to not like your child, and people who struggle with that should seek counseling immediately. I seriously hope you will change that lead-in to someone thing more appropriate to the article. :S
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1-01-2011 @ 2:55PM
Donna said...This was kind of a relief to me to read. You see, I was the child my mother didn't like. She loved me and she took care of me, but I was an anathema to her. I was the 'odd' kid that wasn't like my sisters and wasn't like my Mom or her side of the family. I was more like my Dad's people and she just didn't understand me. Back then, there was no therapy or help for these situations. You just did the best you could and went on. Luckily, I loved my daughter when she was born and like her very much as well. But this is real and I know what it feels like. My Mom did the best she could but it would have been easier for all of us if we understood what was going on.
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1-01-2011 @ 3:58PM
shine` said...Lordy, a truer statement was never made. My 14 yearold son drives me to distraction, so much so, I have to just get away from him or send him away until what ever he has done to set me off...usually not listening, talking under his breath, wanting everything under the sun and more, not appreciating anything...the list could go on and on. However I know he is the best thing that has happened to my life, despite having him at 43, a suprise, a single mother, and his is adhd, and aspergers...he will keep me going and be a purpose to strive to be a better person and a better mother, and to h elp those who walk in my shoes. He is my angel with horns :-)
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1-01-2011 @ 4:22PM
Jane said...I loved my kids too much....unconditionally. It was my daughter who never loved me. If I had been indifferent to her, I feel pretty sure she would have loved me to pieces...........would have wanted what she didn't have.
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