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My Niece Is Skipping School - and Her Mom Doesn't Care!
Filed under: Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 13-yr-old niece (my sister's daughter) is starting to skip school a lot and make up excuses not to go, or she will call home and complain about a headache, wanting to go home. There is a lot of negativity in my sister's home (she is having a lot of problems with her 18-year-old son) and my niece is in the middle of all of it. I want to talk to her about what is going on, but I don't know how to get her to open up to me. What are the right questions to ask my niece in order to get to the bottom of what's going on?
Signed,
Concerned Aunt
Dear Concerned,
I am always touched by questions from readers who write on behalf of a child who they may not be parenting directly, but are nonetheless watching out for. Kudos to you for caring so much about your niece, and reaching out for help.
It does sound like this girl is on a slippery slope and, from what you say, her mother either isn't noticing, or is too overwhelmed with her other problems to care. This is exactly why the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," is so true. While you may not be able to get through to your sister, you do have a chance to become a safe haven and confidante for your niece, which is the first step toward helping her avoid heading into bigger problems. Here's my advice:
• Invite your niece to go out to lunch or on a special outing, choosing something to do together to make your time feel special. It would be great if you could make this something you do on a regular basis, so she gets comfortable spending time with you, and hopefully, leaning on you as a safe and sane guide to help her navigate the challenges in her life.
• Don't pressure her to talk about her problems. Many teens "leak" important information casually, and then clam up or become defensive if they feel that we're interrogating them. Let your conversations wander in and out of different topics, including her home life and school, but also friends, fashion, movies or other things that interest her. She may not open up if she feels that this outing is just an excuse to pry her open to find out why she's skipping school.
• If your niece tells you something important, make comments or ask questions that encourage her to keep talking -- things she would answer with a "Yes", like, "It sounds like your brother's been pretty angry, lately," or "I wonder if you feel safer at home than at school?" Don't rush at her with unwanted advice. Just give her the space to offload and vent her feelings in your caring presence.
• Don't give your niece the impression that you're shocked or angry by what she tells you, or she may feel it's not a good idea to tell you too much. In other words, keep your reactions as low key as possible so she'll know it's safe to keep talking.
Encouraging a teen to open up takes patience, but by showing your niece that you're willing to put in the time, you'll let her know that she can lean on you for guidance. Hopefully her mother will recognize that her daughter needs more real parenting, but, until then, just be a loving and caring presence. If you're careful not to make your sister feel you're trying to replace her, you may even end up in a position to provide her with some much needed support.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My 13-yr-old niece (my sister's daughter) is starting to skip school a lot and make up excuses not to go, or she will call home and complain about a headache, wanting to go home. There is a lot of negativity in my sister's home (she is having a lot of problems with her 18-year-old son) and my niece is in the middle of all of it. I want to talk to her about what is going on, but I don't know how to get her to open up to me. What are the right questions to ask my niece in order to get to the bottom of what's going on?
Signed,
Concerned Aunt
Dear Concerned,
I am always touched by questions from readers who write on behalf of a child who they may not be parenting directly, but are nonetheless watching out for. Kudos to you for caring so much about your niece, and reaching out for help.
It does sound like this girl is on a slippery slope and, from what you say, her mother either isn't noticing, or is too overwhelmed with her other problems to care. This is exactly why the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," is so true. While you may not be able to get through to your sister, you do have a chance to become a safe haven and confidante for your niece, which is the first step toward helping her avoid heading into bigger problems. Here's my advice:
• Invite your niece to go out to lunch or on a special outing, choosing something to do together to make your time feel special. It would be great if you could make this something you do on a regular basis, so she gets comfortable spending time with you, and hopefully, leaning on you as a safe and sane guide to help her navigate the challenges in her life.
• Don't pressure her to talk about her problems. Many teens "leak" important information casually, and then clam up or become defensive if they feel that we're interrogating them. Let your conversations wander in and out of different topics, including her home life and school, but also friends, fashion, movies or other things that interest her. She may not open up if she feels that this outing is just an excuse to pry her open to find out why she's skipping school.
• If your niece tells you something important, make comments or ask questions that encourage her to keep talking -- things she would answer with a "Yes", like, "It sounds like your brother's been pretty angry, lately," or "I wonder if you feel safer at home than at school?" Don't rush at her with unwanted advice. Just give her the space to offload and vent her feelings in your caring presence.
• Don't give your niece the impression that you're shocked or angry by what she tells you, or she may feel it's not a good idea to tell you too much. In other words, keep your reactions as low key as possible so she'll know it's safe to keep talking.
Encouraging a teen to open up takes patience, but by showing your niece that you're willing to put in the time, you'll let her know that she can lean on you for guidance. Hopefully her mother will recognize that her daughter needs more real parenting, but, until then, just be a loving and caring presence. If you're careful not to make your sister feel you're trying to replace her, you may even end up in a position to provide her with some much needed support.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-18-2010 @ 6:26AM
mrsvonii said...I think Auntie better keep her nose out of Mama's business. I know several aunts/sisters/cousins who think they have the right to "parent" all family members. They should stick to their own children.
Reply
12-18-2010 @ 12:56PM
booboo said...No offense Aunt or Uncle, its really NONE of your business, I would put a bug in you sister/brothers ear, but it really not your business..
Reply
12-18-2010 @ 2:02PM
Patricia Martinez said...The aunt can be a caring adult in her niece's life, but she can't parent her niece. Where I teach high school, though, if a student ditches too many times, s/he will be ticketed for truancy and the parent will have to explain to a judge why his/her child is not attending school. Ultimately, parents are responsible for parenting their children, and if they aren't doing so, there will always be a price to pay. Maybe it will be further down the road when that child becomes a person who won't play by society's laws, because there were never repercussions at home for not following the rules.
Reply
12-18-2010 @ 2:18PM
Cindy said...I agree wholeheartedly with the author! As the parent of a 26 year, I was always grateful that my daughter felt she could turn to both her aunt and her grandmother to whine/vent/complain or open up to. My daughter and I have a close relationship, but sometimes life can get overwhelming, and its important- especially while young and confused to have an adult you can trust to open up to.
Now we've come full cycle. My sister had her daughter later in life, and my daughter is looking forward to being the 'cool aunt' (even though they're cousins they're almost 20 years apart and she ends up getting called 'aunt Erin half the time). She plans to be there for her niece.
Showing interest and support for your family isn't the same as 'butting in', if the mothers time and energies are currently being drained by the 18 year old sons problems, she may be happy for a safe outlet for her daughter, who, at 13, is naturally also dealing with things that are difficult.
Growing up I had a favorite aunt I could always turn to, and I will always treasure her. :)
Reply
12-20-2010 @ 6:53PM
Liana Kobayashi said...I agree with with the author. Being a "lending ear" to what may be a troubled young girl does not equate butting in. The mother is already overwhelmed by the 18 yr old son's problems. And when can the aunt help? When it is too late? Maybe this is one of the problems in today's society..."the not my problem attitude" or "yes, put all the criminals in prison, but don't build it in my backyard" .
By all means, go out with your niece and have fun! Be a safe haven for her. You may head off any potential problems later on.
Reply
12-23-2010 @ 3:41PM
dougalcandy said...I agree with the fact that family members should butt out. When my daughter is pissed at us, which is 97% of the time, she turns to a family member who thinks she's "cool" and trashes us. Last year my daughter trashed her father and me on facebook, and we insisted she shut her page down , which she told us she did, but in reality, just change her name and blocked us. Later, I found out that his family member was still her facebook friend, even though she knew my daughter was lying to us. It is never OK to undermine the parent, and unless you can just listen and nod, without giving your opinion, then it really is best to butt out.
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:15PM
Lois said...I think you should tell your niece to stop because it will affect her grades. She could get pregnant. or worse she could get involved in drugs, alcohol, and other bad activity.
It will cause problems with your siblings if you don't tell.
Reply