Should I Punish My 13-Year-Old Son for Not Being Excited About the New Baby?

I think it's foolish to give the mother hope that her son, who obviously has many personal issues, will instantly love the new baby. He'll possibly remain entirely indifferent, but can you blame him? He's got enough to deal with without the addition of a newborn.

Reply

A bedtime talk with a 13 year old? Right before she tucks him in? Sorry Advice Mama, it sounds like your advice is better suited to an elementary schooler. I agree, this teenager is going through huge issues. Older biological siblings sometimes go through feelings of anger and jealousy when a new baby is on the way, and that's in 2 parent families. You cannot force him to love or even be interested in the new baby, but you can continue to support , love and be there for him as he comes to terms with his own life. Maybe at some point he will accept it and even be happy about it, but for now, just let him be. Plus, there will be a huge age difference between them, so a close sibling relationship may not even be possible until much later in life. Just a word of advice--don't make him babysit or take responsibility for the care of this child, it will make him more resentful than ever.

Reply

Is this woman serious? PUNISH the kid for not being happy??

I feel terrible for that boy. One of my best friends, when we were kids, lived primarily with her mother (her father was attentive and involved, but not her primary caregiver), who remarried and had another child. My friend felt terribly displaced: She basically didn't have a core family of her own since her mother had a new family, but she didn't live with her dad (who had not remarried) most of the time. It was very traumatic for her, and she had a much better situation than this boy does!

No, she shouldn't punish him! And, since the other comments seem to think you can't communicate with 13-year-old boys, she should consider getting him a counselor to help him with this, or she's going to have an angry, rejected, teenager on her hands. It's not her son's fault his biological father didn't step up to the plate; he shouldn't feel like all of his parents are bailing out on him.

Reply

Don't punish the kid! He is scared and probably lonely at a difficult age. How long have you been remarried? When we are in love, sometimes we spend most of our time with that person and tend to let other things slide. I'd say make some time for your son, and have your husband do the same thing. Maybe your husband can take him out to a sports event or an arcade - something where they don't need to "talk" so your son won't feel pressured - just some time together. Maybe you can take him out for lunch. Is he involved in any school activities or extracurriculars? If he does sports, you and your husband could go and watch him; if it's art, be sure to go to the shows. In a nutshell, reassure him that he still has a family, he is still part of a family, and he is still loved. Punishing him would only make him angry, sullen or withdrawn and will not encourage him to be more involved in the family. Counseling may be a good idea too. It takes time and work, but integrating as a family is possible and very, very rewarding. Good luck.

Reply

He's taking most of his anger out on both the step father and mother and using the pregnancy to get to them.
I wouldn't in anyway try to do counseling, or over-analyze it because you might turn into a nightmare. Just let him know that you will always love him and he in the end will love the baby.

Reply

To bad you didn't wait to hook up with someone so soon. It was bad enough to go through what he went through with the divorce and the neglect from his father but then to turn around and loses you to another man and now a baby, It's just too much. He has a right to be angry, all the adults in his life have failed him. You need to spend A LOT of time with him, fun stuff just you and him. Big time. Also have him go to counseling , preferably a male counselor.What we do to our kids!

Reply

I've been there, done that. When I divorced, then re-married and became pregnant, my oldest son at the time was 15 years old. One morning he asked, rather smart-aleckly, "What is this baby to me, anyways?" And I responded calmly, "He [the baby] will be another person to love in this world." It's been 11 years since then, and these brothers love each other so much! When the oldest was in high school, he'd walk in the house from a rough day, and I'd hand him the baby to calm him down. Babies are so easy to love and love easily. My youngest son adores his older brother and when the oldest left for college, he used to invite his little brother for sleepovers on the weekends. That continued even after he married. These two are completely brothers in every way. Don't punish your son, love him! And let him know he can look forward to a sweet relationship with the new baby on the way!

Reply

The attitude that you and your husband have against (yes, AGAINST) your son is not only selfish, but cruel. There's two things that you've said that brings into perspective how you feel about him: that your NEW husband wants your son to be part of the NEW family, and your screen name for this is "second time around". Listen up woman, you're in for a world of trouble and hurt if you keep that attitude up. If you're talking about your marriage, that's one thing, but if you mean to have that screen name to reflect how you feel about being a parent or having a child in the slightest, you're WRONG. You and your son were first. You two will always be FIRST. Forget about the new father and baby for a moment. He's not only your first born son, but you're also the only one who's been there for him the entire time. Your new husband, and even your new baby are going to have to be part of HIS family, not the other way around, or else he won't accept them. He's essentially lost you to your new husband as well as your new baby; with the attitude that you presently have you've all but completely abandoned him in a family sense.
What you need to do is comfort him, let him know that he's going to be a big brother, and with that, comes responsibility as one. Also let him know that he'll always be your son and you will always love him no matter what. Explain to your new husband that he has a role as a step-father as well as a soon-to-be real father, and that in no way should he punish his step-son for this behavior. He should also be aware that he's coming into your family and your son's family, not trying to make up a "new" family. Your son just got dethroned as the man-of-the-house, at an age and situation that he's trying the best he can...which can lead to emotional issues/trauma down the line. He's already be dealing with the divorce. He's already looking at you with hatred for, in a sense, cheating on both him and his father with your new baby and husband. Make him feel loved, make him feel good that people are being ADDED to the family, instead of making him feel invited to the new one.

Reply

This kid feels abandoned, this is one of the reasons why kidss feel left alone and struggle in life. A non committed marriage, What are the chances of this man not leaving you?. Anyways, i'm not sure about this advise mama. The only way you could convince your son is by showing him that you and your new husband love him truly. Get him to trust you that you care about him, do things that makes him believe that you truly care about him and always there for him. And your new husband should be more friendly towards your 13 year old. He needs to show that he cares about him and also do things that makes him happy.. Your 13 year old is kind of jealousy, which is understandable. He has the reasons to be jealously. He could also be thinking that you may abandon him or not care of for him once this new baby arrives. Show him it's not true. Always remind him that he's your first child and you love him more than anything else.

Reply

This is a tough one. Let your son have his own space and create activities that are centered around him. Get him involved in a sport that you can easily be seen attending. Be his biggest fan on the sidelines, have signs with his name (those sort of things) Show him that he can never be replaced. They say your 1st born has a special place in your heart. Tell him that at the appropriate time. Tell him that everything that you're doing for this new baby was done for him, when your were preparing for his arrival. This situation arises all the time, remember 13 is usually a difficult age. There is no magic recipe for this because all children are different but he needs to know that he can never be replaced because at the moment this is his biggest fear.

Reply

I hate that we sugar coat everything today. we are raising a bunch of sissies that will never know how to deal with any true grown up situatuions. i m sorry that your son is going thru this but tuff. so many have gone thru it and came out ok.i would simply put it to him that look this is what is happening. i cant change it cause your not ok with it. but i would love for you you to be ok with it and maybe one day be excited about it. its ok what ever you feel but it isnt ok to act out because of it. the male species is diminishing here people and i have 4 girls and 1 boy and the way i see it is these boys are being raised so lazy,spoiled,etc. that my girls will never have anyone to marry. unless they will be tuffer then their husbands. on the other hand, what is wrong with you parents. when you brake up or divorce it doesnt mean its your time.(if you r parents) u r still parents after the brake up so act liker it and stop trying to "get yours". grow up and be a parent and take a cold shower or buy a toy. you will be the better parent if you choose not to jump in bed with someone before your ex does. your kids see everything trhat goes on. they are not stupid and the way you have relations with people are the way they will have relations with people.my husband had 2 girls when i met him and we went out for a year BEFORE I EVER MET THEM! he didnt want his kids to have a different mommy every other week, and i respecterd that. at times it was hard, very hard but i knew he respected his children that much , so how can i be realy angry with him. so we went out after 9 pm when his kids would go to bed and they never missed him.we take relations to easy today,and sex if you ask me. once you are a parent, its not about you anymore. its about them. but stop over indulging them.or else they will never leave your basement

Reply

I totally agree about sugar coating everything! I think there are too many whiny, selfish, jealous, spoiled brats who have been raised to believe that the world revolves around them and that everything should go their way and anything they want should be handed to them on a silver platter. If you baby this boy about the new baby coming, he will use the sympathy to manipulate you and cause problems between you and your new husband!! Don't baby him and most certainly DO NOT apologize to your teenager for re-marrying and for bringing a new baby into the family! You owe him no apologies or explanations! Although, you do owe him love and attention as always because he is your child. I can completely understand how this boy may feel a little worried or scared about how this new baby is going to affect his relationship with his mom, so he should be shown a little extra attention and should be reassured that he is still as loved and as important as ever. But, the mother and stepfather should be very careful not to let him take advantage of their sympathy so that he starts making demands of them as though if they don’t give him everything he wants then they must not love him anymore. I also agree that parents don't stop being parents just because they divorce and move on...but at the same time, a man or a woman should never stop being a person just because they become a parent!! Just because you have children doesn't mean you stop being your own person!! You still deserve to have a life of your own while being a great parent to your children. In fact, it will make you a better parent if you take time for yourself, to spend a little time with your friends, hanging out with other adults, or just by yourself doing what you like to do. And, also couples should never devote their entire lives to their children to the point that their relationship with each other is lost. That's when things fall apart & you end up divorced. So, as a couple, be sure to take time for yourselves to be alone together regularly. It will keep your relationship strong and close, and also teach your kids the valuable lesson that although they are the most important thing in your entire world, they are not the ONLY thing in your world and that the world does NOT revolve around them! It will help them to be better balanced individuals and help the parents not to lose their sense of self.

Reply

As a former 13 year old boy I can tell you that no 13 year old boy is going to be interested in babies no matter what the circumstances are. Even girls that age tend to loose the mothering/nurturing thing. All teenagers that age are totally self absorbed, it's just the way they are.

Reply

Have they even thought of counseling or child psychology?!
I was depressed from the time I was 5 until I was nearly 24 and my parents finally got me help at age 17!!

ANYONE that has gone through a traumatic event like being rejected by one's own parent needs a little help to get their heads back where they need to be before they can process other emotions...

Reply