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What, We're Poor?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Single Parenting, Opinions
Illustration by Dori Hartley
"Are you poor?"
One of my daughter's schoolmates recently asked her this question. Still thwacking about in my brain, the question is doing collateral damage, as I scurry around the supermarket.
Post-divorce, I find grocery shopping excruciating. I preferred the old days of shopping for four. I liked being a nuclear family. I admit it. One menu plan. Now I create two menus in my head: an inexpensive-but-healthy-enough menu for the weeks the girls are with me; a cheaper, bachelorette-style menu for the weeks I am alone.
The sinister juice box aisle awaits me. I tend to weep in the juice-box aisle. I don't know why. But the girls like juice boxes. Everybody at school has juice boxes. Juice boxes make them feel normal, average. We all like to feel normal, average, once in a while.
The juice box aisle is also the sale aisle -- another reason I must traverse this treacherous row. Fifty-cent boxes of pasta. Dollar bottles of shampoo. Generic mac-and-cheese, six boxes for $2. A steal, really.
Someone is crooning, "I'll have a bluuuuuuuue Christmas without yoooooooouuuuu" over the supermarket speakers. Loudly. I wince. Christmas gifts. Crap.
"It's the beginning of the Just Kill Me Now season," I joke to a woman standing next to me in front of the discounted salad dressings.
She squints at me over her cart, unsmiling, then walks away.
Are you poor?
Heck, yes.
We fall below the poverty line by any study's definition of "poverty line" in the U.S. We are an unexpected statistic, living precariously on the fringes of a fairly affluent, if rural, area. Few people know the details of our situation -- just the basics, which are, admittedly, doozies. Bankruptcy. Divorce. Serious medical issues. Layoffs. Unemployment. Government assistance. Shared custody. There's no quick fix, no matter how I try to MacGyver it. There's no fast track to a bank account with four (or, dare I dream, five?) digits. I can't just pack up my girls and head to a big city, stat. Change is going to take some time here.
Ironically, my ex and I are going to have to learn to communicate better than we ever did, if positive change is going to happen in our separate lives. Funny how kids of broken families have a way of making their disconnected parents into better people.
I believe poverty is the last great American taboo. It sure isn't the sort of thing one tweets about to friends, or "Likes" on Facebook. We use euphemisms consistently: A little strapped. Need to tighten our belts. Here in the U.S., our culture is still churning out lyrics from the classic American dream: You can be a success if you just want it badly enough! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Go back to school! Take any job! Get on TV! Write a children's book!
I'm not saying those things aren't helpful for some folks. Jamie Lee Curtis and Madonna did very well with their children's books.
From the outside, my situation seems black and white -- dee-vor-SAY, the single mother of two daughters, underemployed. The anonymous comments at my blog are harsh variations of "Poor? Work more!"
These anonymous comments are not usually followed up by job offers, promises of free childcare, student loan repayment, free home repairs, low-interest lines of credit or the gifting of a new Social Security number and squeaky-clean credit report.
I'm moving as fast as I can. But rags-to-riches only happens on TV. I am no express train.
"Can you believe she asked me that?" my daughter says. "Out of nowhere. Are you poor?"
"What did you say?" I ask.
"I said I didn't know."
"That was a good answer."
"Are we?" She scrutinizes my face. "Are we poor?"
I try to normalize our experience. After all, it is normal. For us.
"We're definitely poorer than most of the families we know in our area, but we're certainly not as bad off as many families across the country or around the world. You and your sister will never have to worry about having a roof over your heads."
"Are you worried?" she asks me.
I don't want to say no. I want her to know her perception is keen, that her intuition is spot-on, that she can trust her gut. In the long run, that's worth more than money. But I don't want to frighten her.
"Do I seem worried?" I ask.
"Yeah. Sometimes," she admits.
"Yeah. I guess I am sometimes. I'm really sorry about that," I tell her. "But trust me when I tell you I'm working hard to figure things out and get us into a better situation. We're going to be okay. We are ... okay enough."
She nods and sinks down in her covers, snuggling up to me.
"I'd like a closet someday," she says. "And a bed that's not a table on wheels. That's all."
"That's all?"
"Maybe ... a room big enough for sleepovers. Maybe."
I can hear the hesitation in her voice. Already, she's afraid to dream too big.
We're okay enough, but not okay, not yet.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
12-20-2010 @ 4:57PM
Heather said...I also live paycheque to paycheque. I am not ashamed of it. I buy the sale items. When the whole wheat pasta is on sale I get stock up. When the BBQ sauce and pasta sauce is on sale I will buy 10 jars or so.
Unfourtunatly being in Canada we don't get acess to those freebies. We don't have double coupon days. I have seen shows on living cheap where the lady will use 3 coupons for 1 item and gets it free. Can't do that either. My son gets a reusable juice box with icecubes and water. By lunch it is still partially frozen. He gets the cheap $1.50 bologna for the week. His lunch probably costs about $0.50.
Yeah it sucks but I know when I get promoted it will get better slowly. In the meantime I laugh at the people paying $3 for the same pasta I pay $1 for. Those no name/ store brands are made by someone. Usually the same people that make the $3 brand.
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12-22-2010 @ 1:09PM
LORI H. said...Feel better about shopping the sales. There's nothing wrong or embarrassing about it.
....Although I definitely know what you mean about not being able to maybe get the name brands you wish you could.
You may want to try: Http://bit.ly/dailysample It's my favorite go-to site for spending smart. I'm living paycheck to paycheck myself, so every discount I can get I'm excited. They have some
tips for shopping (like going through the store left to right) and getting out of the stores spending less.
Besides tips, the website has a bunch of coupons that are all easy and free to print. They also (and this is my FAVORITE PART) have DAILY FREE STUFF!!!! And believe me, when you're feeling poor, this makes you feel pretty great!
Every day they feature new samples and completely free products and because of all the freebies I request and receive from them (I've never had to pay shipping fess or sign up or do surveys) I haven't had to buy shampoo, tampons, toothpaste or deodorant in over a year!!
Now that's saving money in a FUN way! I hope it helps. You're kids may enjoy the free games they offer and coloring activity books too.
2-05-2011 @ 2:56PM
Alan said...One thing that you may already be doing: if you have multiple shopping options, keep a list of what you buy regularly and how much it costs at each store. I used to use a program called handyshopper on a palm pda, but even a list on paper may turn up surprises and every little bit counts. This can also help identify items frequently (or rarely) on sale and for how much. I'll regularly see items for $0.50 off, but at a store where the regular price for that item is $0.60 higher than I can get it elsewhere so it's still a loser.
12-21-2010 @ 10:14PM
H.L. said...I am in the exact same situation. I could have written this myself. I am recently divorced, underemployed and wondering how I'm going to make this work. I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me. This time last year, we were vacationing at Disney World. This year, I've got to figure out how to get the kids a toy or two under our little Christmas tree. It's depressing really. In a way, I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one going through this.
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12-21-2010 @ 10:35PM
ChefLisa said...welcome to your new space :)
i think i'm going to like visiting you here.
xoxoxo
Reply
12-22-2010 @ 7:06AM
maid marion said...Wow, great story, I can relate. You nailed the frustrations of this underemployed mother....and I've been asked the same questions....Thank you.
Reply
12-22-2010 @ 10:13AM
Girl said...Wow... This is a much needed slap in the face for me and had my eyes watering by the end. I'm in my mid-teens. My parents came to North America a quarter of a century ago years ago. Ever since they got here, my dad has worked day-in and day-out (sixteen hour days, everyday, seven days a week) trying to provide a decent life for us, all whilst saving money, in hopes of getting us out of a neighbourhood that isn't great. A couple years ago, my parents had finally saved enough money for a down-payment on a house. I guess until about... twenty minutes ago, I never noticed how much work they did, and are still doing (because I imagine that going paying for a mortgage in a nice suburban home isn't a walk in the park). Anyways, God bless you.
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12-22-2010 @ 8:04PM
ChefLisa said...wow. i love this comment! Girl, send your parents here to read your comment--it will be the best holiday gift ever.
12-22-2010 @ 10:19AM
liz wing said...you have nothing to be ashamed of. i am a hair stylist in a rural area and hear this same story from so many other families . you are dead on when you say that poverty is taboo in america. i feel your pain. i just got done paying bills and i have double digits left in my bank account. it makes it hard because my sister and her husband make a very good living. they are driving brand new luxury cars and live in a mc mansion housing development. they can afford to give their little girl anything she desires.
but i keep my chin up. shop at bargain outlets and make meals from scratch made with "value" brand food. we go to the library for books and movies, and buy clothes at the end of season sales one size bigger for my son for the coming year. there is no shame in any of this. we live (meagerly) withing our means and enjoy the simple things in life.
things will get better. when your girls look back on this time in their lives, they won't remember the over priced toy they didn't get. they will remember getting to spend time with their mom, singing christmas songs and making cookies . they are learning an important lesson from you, how to be strong, independent, money wise, and self-reliant. keep your chin up, and try to have a good holiday!
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12-22-2010 @ 2:06PM
azzman said...A great example of how family destruction leads to poverty. From single moms that get knocked up to divorce, there is a real good chance that poverty and unhappiness are not far ahead. Good and smart choices lead to the good life, poor choices lead to a difficult and long road.
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12-22-2010 @ 2:34PM
KC said...Seriously? I never comment on things like this, but that is such an amazingly naive remark. Sure, sometimes the situation is black & while - bad choice = bad consequence. However, there are a myriad of other situations that people find themselves in that aren't so easily judged. Perhaps a smidge of grace and compassion would go further towards strengthening families *and individuals* rather than uninformed judgement.
12-22-2010 @ 8:22PM
Kaffee said...You really are an ASSMAN! What an idiotic response. Did you ever think in your boxed-in little world? Do you really suppose "Good and smart choices lead to the good life, poor choices lead to a difficult and long road." is an accurate statement? You sound like a complete fool who has never opened his eyes to reality. There are more families struggling in this world ,through no fault of their own, than have the "good life". What an infuriating prig!
12-23-2010 @ 11:13AM
Fruitfly said...You probably think there's a level playing field, too. Lucky you!
12-22-2010 @ 7:30PM
kristian said...Azzman...are you kidding? You have no idea what lead to her divorce. How very presumptious and judgmental to assume that she made a bad decision.
Jennifer, I am not in your situation. We've certainly overextended myself but we can afford some luxuries for my family. However, I grew up in your situation (although without my father or his financial support). I feel for you and I respect you for your determination to make life better for your girls. I have the utmost of respect for my hard working mother, and can assure you that the memories that I treasure most are of the time spent with her.
You're doing a great job!
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12-22-2010 @ 8:13PM
Clemmy said...Jenn you are so awesome! And sparkalicious!
You know that I'm living the same life and am not afraid to blog about my situation. Let's keep demystifying this thing called poverty...because there are too many people joining us in that category on a daily basis!
xoxox,
Clemmy!
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12-22-2010 @ 8:43PM
karli said...Your honesty is beautiful and astounding. Thank you for never sugar-coating and for telling the truth (even when it may bring judgment and contempt from those who could never understand, because they choose never to understand). The home where you raise your daughters may never have a big-screen TV or a Jag parked out front, but it's still full of love. Your girls will never be starved of that most important thing, and that's why they will grow up with kind hearts and gentle spirits. I wish you could raise all the world's children.
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12-23-2010 @ 10:03PM
anne said...I understand your worries. I'm having nightmares about having similar ones soon. I'm pregnant and I'm going to have to quit my job when the baby is born. I'm underemployed and I make as much as I would have to pay a sitter or daycare, so I'd rather stay home with the baby than give all my money to a caregiver. Of course, my job doesn't offer any maternity leave or even paid vacations I could use. My husband will probably have to quit his job when he enters a full time phd program next year. This is our first child. I'm scared. I don't know how we'll make it work financially.
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1-13-2011 @ 9:27AM
R.M. said...Many places I see (blogs,posts sites etc) about single parents and problems seem to be composed of the fairer sex single parent. I lost my wife in May 2009. I was left with three great boys at home, then 14,12,10 and me @ 58. Medical bills outrageous and quitting work to care for my wife ( much to the dismay of many "concerned friends" ) "helped me " back to my present financial position. My oldest who will be 17 in two weeks if we were going to be poor.
I guess this response was more of a comment that there are alot of us men who are in the same boat and are finding it difficult as a permanent single parent.
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1-14-2011 @ 12:25PM
Bob said...I don't know that this is the case here, but I have seen a whole lot of spoiled little princesses who think life should be perfect for them and they should not have to lift a finger or take care of a husband.
From what I have seen, this is really about 85% of divorces. Then they get divorced and think that they are still entitled to all the toys and comforts that they had while married - and all on someone else's dime - on someone else's hard work.
They made their choice. Instead of the hard work of taking care of a husband and making the relationship work, they take the easy way out. Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too, princess.
I am glad that the going is hard for divorced moms. Wives should realize just how much they have before they decide that they are just too "put upon" or that their home life does not accord to a fantasy in a women's magazine. I would like there to be more stories about how terrible it is to be a divorced mom so that wives are more interested in putting in effort at home.
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1-17-2011 @ 2:07AM
Jess said...Idiot!