'Shiny Knife' and Other Carols of the Season

Filed under: Holidays

Sometimes, you just gotta sing to stay sane. A few carols to get you started!

SCHADENFREUDE IS COMING TO TOWN (TO "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN")
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better get out the vodka, here's why:
Christmas cards are coming to town.

If you're on their list
It's there in the mail
You're gonna find out who got into Yale
Christmas cards are coming to town

They show whole families grinning
They're surfing in Cancun
The youngest one just got straight 'A's and she starred in Brigadoon!

Oh! You better watch out
From under your bed
You better get out your shredder and shred
Christmas cards are coming to town.

SHINY KNIFE (TO "SILENT NIGHT")
Shiny knife, very sharp knife
Watch it, kid! Save your life
Here let mom cut your din-din for you
Don't say, "Mom, please, I'm 32."
I will cut you a piece! Mommy will cut you a piece.

HERE WE COME A SNIFFLING (TO "HEAR WE COME A-WASSAILING")
Here we come a-sniffling among the Kleenex green
Here we come a-hackin' up a homemade lima bean!
Snot and goo come to you
Because we are in Grade Two
And "God bless you" and, "Cover up your mouth" is all we hear
And we sniffle for five months of the year.

SINGLE MOMS ROCK (TO "JINGLE BELL ROCK")
Single mom, single mom, single moms rock
Single moms yell and carry Purell
Ranting and panting and shouting, "Let's go!"
Now the single mom's running the show.

Single mom, single mom, single moms rock
Single moms sleep just three hours a week
Running and gunning the kids to lacrosse
While she's trying to floss.

In the night time, that's the right time
To do another load
Then make lunches and do crunches
Till it's time for some Rocky Road.

Wake 'em up, grab a pack, drive 'em to school
Kiss 'em and off they go!
Sometimes it's draining but who is complaining?
That's the single mom
"I gotta tinkle, mom!"
That's why single moms rock!

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.