Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Zoe Armstrong: Five Ways to Fake a Break and Avoid Parenting Burnout
Lianne Castelino and Andrea Howick: How Do You Deal With Nightmare…
SmackDown: Should Parents Teach Teens How to Drive?
Filed under: Opinions
Are parents really the best driving instructors? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Parents and Teens Will Drive Each Other Crazy
by Jessica Samakow
If your kids wanted to go skydiving, would you teach them how to jump yourself, or would you leave it up to a certified instructor?
Assuming you've agreed to let them jump in the first place, you would probably leave the instruction up to someone certified and qualified. So, when it comes to driving, why is the precedent any different?
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of teen deaths in the United States, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. For any other life-threatening activity, parents would probably opt out of being their teen's teacher. But, when it comes to the daily activity that, statistically, presents the most danger, parents tend to be the core instructor.
Bad idea.
Just because a person knows how to drive, doesn't mean she knows how to teach how to drive. And when emotions and fear play into the mix, the results can be disastrous or even fatal.
Instead, certified driving instructors should be responsible for teaching teens how to drive. I still refer to the year I learned how to drive as "the worst year of my life," thanks to my parents who made the experience nothing short of traumatic for me.
Five years ago, I felt like the coolest kid in town the first time I sat behind the wheel, buckled my seat belt and prepared to show the road who was boss. What I neglected to consider (but would soon be reminded of), was that my anxiety-ridden mother was sitting in the passenger seat and her terror would have an effect on me.
We began in a completely empty parking lot, but from her dramatic reactions, one would assume we were on a NASCAR track and that I was a serial killer determined to end her life. I lowered my foot onto the gas pedal, she gasped for air and grabbed onto the ceiling as if it would save her in a time of emergency. My mom failed to recognize that although she was scared, I was the one who had never operated a vehicle before. How was I supposed to remain calm if my "teacher" was in panic mode?
After weeks of practicing in a parking lot and figuring out a way to filter her freak-outs, my mom finally decided I was ready for the tough stuff: neighborhood streets. I knew I had gotten the hang of this whole driving thing, and I felt like it was time to accelerate past 15 mph.
As I gently pressed on the gas and the speedometer crept up toward a whopping 20, my nearly mom ruptured my eardrum.
"JESSSSICAAAAAAAAAAAA," she shrieked.
I slammed on the breaks assuming I had run over a squirrel, or a small child or something. I hadn't. My mom pointed a shaking finger to the kid riding his bike on the sidewalk.
"Well, yeah, Mom, he's on the sidewalk," I said. "I'm on the road. Chill."
But of course, she wouldn't.
I suddenly realized that when I was finally released onto an actual road with real, live cars on it, we were going to have some issues. Again, I was right. My mom's perpetual gasps and motions to slam on her imaginary brakes did not make for a fun "learning" environment.
"YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE CURB," she would scream as she grabbed the wheel to violently steer it the other way.
Clearly an effective teaching method.
Eventually, she came to the conclusion that this wasn't going to work, and she let my step-dad take over as teacher. The polar opposite of my mother, my step-dad is the guy who once got sucked into the deep part of the Bahamian ocean because he decided the "Do not swim past this point" signs did not apply to him.
A little too carefree, some would say.
He decided to use driving time as nap time. I'd be focused on the road waiting for instruction and hear a snore beside me.
I'd shout for him to wake up, he'd shrug his shoulders and say, "OK, just merge onto the highway."
Oh yeah? Just like that?
"Relax," he'd say, "You're too much like your mother."
His guess-and-check method of driving did not feel quite right to me.
Eventually, when I took lessons with a professional instructor, who calmly advised me to "brake sooner" or "make a left turn," I thought to myself, "Wow, where was this guy when I first took to the streets?"
The big day finally came and I was determined to get my license on the first try. Thankfully, I did.
But this automotive scar is so deep that my driver's license has now taken backseat in my wallet to my Metrocard. I moved to New York City and now take the subway every day.
Parents Drive Home Invaluable Lessons
by Mary Kate Baumann
I was driving home from New York City with two of my friends along for the ride one morning last winter. It was a drizzling and bitterly cold day, as I drove along a winding, two-lane highway toward suburban New York.
Things were going fine one minute, but suddenly I was spinning out of control. I'd hit black ice and was careening toward not only the guard rail, but also a highway cop who was setting up flairs at an accident that had just occurred.
It happened so fast, but all I could hear was my dad's voice in the back of my head and flashbacks to deserted, snowy parking lots where he taught me what to do in this exact situation.
"Turn into it, don't slam on the breaks."
It's times like that, where all the frustrations I have had with my parents constantly repeating themselves and reminding me how to drive, all go away.
I will always remember the day I got my driver's permit. It was 7 a.m. (Early? Yes, but I didn't want to sit for hours waiting to take my test. Let's be honest: The DMV is not known for its prompt service). And it was freezing (late March tends to be more winter than spring in New York). I even recall doing some last-minute cramming in the car, just to make sure I would pass the written portion of the test.
Of course, despite my early arrival, I still had to wait. And wait. Finally, I took the test, and, as the clerk (who clearly didn't want to be there) began scoring it, I noticed one wrong answer. Then another. And another. My heart sank and tears started welling in my eyes as she marked my answers incorrect with huge X's -- as if the red marker wasn't already mean enough.
"Oh wait," she said. "My mistake. I'm using the wrong answer key!"
Hilarious. After that traumatizing encounter, I came home with a permit. The piece of paper was my pass to the highway of freedom!
Or so I thought.
Expecting my parents to acknowledge my new grown-up status, I asked to take the car out.
My mother deferred me to my father who wouldn't be home until at least 5 p.m. I begrudgingly accepted my mother as a wimp who refused to let me drive her around and expected my dad to be enthused by my driving.
But no, I was let down yet again when my dad said I'd have to wait until the weekend when it was light out and he had more time.
Finally, Saturday arrived, and my driving endeavors began. First, in parking lots, then in private drives and, eventually, in deserted streets where I'd often be sternly reminded of the "right ways to drive."
My dad had (and still has) this way of freaking out when I go too fast or don't start breaking soon enough for a stop light. He starts grabbing the sides of the car and dashboard, as if bracing himself for impact, which usually ensues in a sigh of disappointment and a stern talking to -- something I've learned to look at in jest.
This was how I learned how to drive -- breaking out in nervous sweats, mostly in fear of being yelled at. However, with my parents by my side, rather than an instructor I'd never met before, I was more relaxed. I was responsible for my family, and not a foreign car and random strangers also learning to drive. I knew my trusty car, and my parents could tell me when I was being stupid. Tough love isn't always that bad.
Once I had to take an official driver's education class, I already knew how to drive because my parents taught me. The driving instructor in the passenger seat next to me was really just giving me directions to the place we were going -- an endless trip with no specific destination.
My parents were the whip-snappers when I was behind the wheel. There were so many rules.
With apologies, when it came to their "rules of the road," some of the biggest let-downs at the time were as follows:
- I was NOT allowed to get my license until I took driver's ed.
- I was NOT allowed to get in a car with one of my friends driving.
- I was NOT allowed to drive at night without my parents in the car.
- I was NOT allowed to drive to my friend's house where a party was; I always had to be dropped off by a parent, and ALWAYS picked up by one.
No matter how much I hated it at the time, I'm thankful for my parents' strict driving rules. Only your parents can teach you invaluable lessons from their personal experiences. And, their brutal honesty? That's their job. Your safety is what matters most.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Better Parent Teen Interaction May Cut Crash Risk In Half
Two new studies reveal that teen crashes and risky driving behaviors such as cell phone use, failure to wear seat belts, and drinking and driving are strongly linked with the way teens and parents communicate and approach rules about safety.
-
Distracted Driving – Distracting Passengers
In this video, Justin McNaull, AAA Public Affairs, discusses how passengers can both cause and prevent distracted driving. The video shows how children and teen passengers can be especially problematic. The video offers tips on safely attending to child passengers and tips for parents on helping their teen drivers to behave safely behind the wheel. It also illustrates how passengers can help drivers by managing distracting tasks on their behalf.
-
Natalie Morales on Teens Distracted Driving
Watch as Natalie tells iVillage's Kelly Wallace about some of this surprising things she learned about teens and distracted driving, and how most of them model their behavior behind the wheel after their parents.
-
Teen Driving Panel, Part 1
AOL Autos Senior Editor Sharon Silke Carty discusses issues facing teen drivers with a panel of students at Dexter High School in Dexter, MI. In part 1 we discuss how young drivers perceive driving, fatal accidents, and parental instruction.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
12-26-2010 @ 5:37AM
Michelle said...I've been driving since I was 6. My dad would turn my sister and I loose in a field with a dune buggy (basically a VW beetle that was stripped and modified into a rail buggy). I was too short, so I sat on the very edge of the seat ( oh no freaking seat belt! Like I cared! ), so I could push in the clutch. I actually have learned that NOT a LOT of ppl can drive a stick. I thought it was a normal learning experience until I was 16 and found out that there weren't many of my friends that could use a clutch. I can actually drive a dump truck if needed. Haven't found the need yet though. lol
I am a MUCH better driver due to the early training from my dad and mom.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 10:51AM
ann marie said...amd53 My father taught me how to drive..although, he was surprised i did so well.. He gave me pointers etc. which I myself taught my girls as well.. Parents take the time to teach your kids as mine did.. And that wore of on me as well, i give my girls pointers like my dad gave me.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 5:49PM
foozlesprite said...Neither of my parents taught me to drive. I'm now a 22 year old struggling to find transportation to jobs because I can't drive. There's not really any public transportation where I live either. My fiance would teach me, but his car breaks down on a regular basis so couldn't be used for the driving test. I guess my point is, if your parents don't teach you, who will?
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 8:18PM
Jim said...Well I was taught by my parents, whom I must say did a goodfor my four brothers and myself, we consider ourselves good drivers, but on what I observe today the poarents are more dangerous drivers than the kids, why, because they can afford the tickets they may get. With all the electronics today i see just as many older people on cell phones as the young ones, a lesson not well taught to their kids, Jim
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 8:31PM
Helen Ross said...My dad wouldn't let me get a permit or license until my grades improved. Sheesh !! When I finally did, after three permits and two failed tests, he congratulated me and told me one thing.
"Helen, never, never forget that you are sitting behind the wheel of six thousand pounds of steel. (give or take). You are essentially driving a killing machine. Never forget that. ".
I have never forgotten that. It was a lesson in responsibility. One other thing I remember most from the driver's ed class in school was this addage "up the hill,tires out, down the hill, tires in".. This would really apply those very few times I dared to drive in Seattle"
Oh, by the way, the word is "brakes, not breaks"..
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 8:38PM
Brent said...Rediculous example in sky diving unless the teaching parent had thousands of hours of sky diving experience and practice. Most American parents who have teen children learning to drive are experienced drivers. Cell phones are the greatest danger to American teens. More than booze. More than drugs. More than AIDS. Kids are dying behind the wheel because of cell phones and they are killing others as well.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 8:49PM
al pambuena said...if you asked me this question about 10 years ago, i would say the parents should teach their teens to drive, but what i have seen over the past few years, changes my outlook on this. today, driving the roads is a very difficult challenge, and multicar accidents, are the norm, rather than the exception. with all of the electronic gadgets, that are now available, to distract drivers, the parents are often the biggest abusers. having a professional instructor, at a school, or a private instructor, would take the bias out of the equation, and the teen would focus more, and probably learn good habits faster.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 9:21PM
joan ayling said...I most definately think that the professionals should teach the students. Parents should "fine tune" and reinforce those teachings. The teenagers are too close to the parents and, as teenagers will do, heads will be butting.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 10:01PM
Janice said...I taught all of my children to drive, except one, and he's the one that had an accident in his first car and totaled it. I also make sure that they take driver's ed instruction from a professional to make sure that they know the rules of the road. Although instructors don't really like their job for the most part, and tend to be really grumpy and negative for the most part so I make sure that I've properly prepared my children before the instructor gets to them. That same child of mine that had the accident he didn't have instruction by a professional either, thus the car accident, but he got valuable lessons from that experience and by GODs grace no one was injured.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 9:38PM
sharp914 said...The only ones who should teach new drivers are professional race car drivers and professional test drivers.
I an professional test driver and teaching kids how to drive would make the roads safer, because professional drivers have a skill on how to master the road, with hands and eye coordination driving skill. Teaching them on knowing what to do when there in a 2,000 plus lbs vehicle out of control. The training will teach kids breaking corning and most of all control of the vehicle. check out KRC racing school, Barber dodge racing school,and Jim russel racing school, you can check in google by just typing auto racing school and you will find them all over the world willing to teach your child how to drive a vehicle.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 9:52PM
mbobok said...I am a licensed driving instructor. However, I became one after working years as a Safety Engineer for a Property and Casualty Insurance company. So I definetly have perspectives from both sides. I learned to drive by a driving instructor through my high school. But I really learned to drive when I moved to Los Angeles to go to college from rural Iowa. As a Safety Engineer, I was first trained in Defensive Driving practices as that was on of the classes I taught for our insured businesses that had commercial drivers. And, in order to do my job, I literally was paid to drive all over Los Angeles and Orange County. Consequently, I have lots of driving experience. I had to finally retire for disability issues, so to compensate my income I became a licensed driving Instructor.
First off, my major ctiticism of professional driving schools is that one is fortunate if they have a really good driving instructor that knows how to teach their students to drive right in the first place. Out here in California, the requirements to become a driving instructor is only to have a high school education and go through 60 hours of professional instruction. Some schools have excellent training programs for their instructors, but there is no standardized way for instructors to be trained. I recieved NO training in how to actually teach students to drive and I figured out how to best do it through trial and error. My one major advantage was my overall confidence as a driver and the fact that I knew how to handle driving in heavy traffic conditions and in down town areas.
The one main advantage of having a licensed driving instructor is learning to drive with someone who is trained to not panic. Trust me, it does require a great deal of patience and not all people have the ability to trust their ability to handle an inexperience driver.
I can easily laugh when my students make mistakes; I calmly reach over to help them control the wheel when they need correction, I explain the reasons for developing good driving habits. I also try not to use the instructor brake unless it is absolutely important as I like to have my students understand the consequences of taking turns too fast. (that's when I usually have to grab the wheel) Bottom line, my first lesson is to provide my students with the confidence to keep their parents calm when the parents finally let them drive with them. And I truly enjoy the chance to teach someone to do something that I actually do love to do.
That said, some parents can be great teachers and I have had their kids as my students. Those kind of lessons are fun as mostly it is about my reinforcing what their parents have been teaching them. Yet there are many parents who are either not good drivers in the first place or just are not that comfortable with driving in the first place. These kinds of parents can be nervous wrecks at the idea of teaching their children to drive and therefore just end up making their kids nervous wrecks behind the whee as welll. So those kind of parents should let professionals give their children the basics before they then take their children out for practice.
However, the sad fact is that not all instructors are good instructor. Driving schools are expensive to operate and they are primarily, it is a cut throat business with high turnover (I make $11/hour!), and many are primarily about making a profit instead of profiding excellent instruction. So until parents start demanding more accountability with regulations governing the operation of driving schools, that probably will not change.
Reply
12-27-2010 @ 3:52PM
TTkayers said...My dad was a driver's ed instructor of our school system in 1965-1982 and when I took driver's ed my instructor was my dad.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 10:14PM
Gina said...I love driving. I learned very early and by the time I was 13-14 I was driving my friend's Dad's car all over town. My friend was older than me but afraid to drive so we would turn the corner and switch seats and I drove us all over. My Dad showed me how to drive and I went out with all 3 of my kids when they were learning. I'm an easy going person and their mistakes were laughable which is good instead of the nervous parent that's all uptight and yelling. Which is why my husband never took the kids out driving! It should be up to the parents. If they feel confident in their driving skills then they should teach their own kids if they want to!
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 11:11PM
katy said...I turned 16 about 3 weeks ago and I can definitely say that driving with an instructor is a lot less stressful and more relaxed than if you're driving with a parent. The instructors at my driving school were all former police officers, so they taught me what to avoid doing in order to NOT get tickets and pulled over for traffic violations. My family goes to california a lot, and while pulling onto the freeway with my mother, i was so nervous that my hands were almost dripping with sweat. I never had any problems like that while driving with an instructor, because they were calm, informative, and game more constructive criticism than a parent can.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 11:18PM
Kevin Brown said...Of course your parents should teach you to drive, mine did and there is no reason to turn that over to "professionals' or the education system.
Reply
12-26-2010 @ 11:28PM
Dale said...I was a driving instructor for about 10 years, primarily teaching teens as a step toward passing their drive tests.
I seldom had problems with these teens. Occasionally it took a bit of effort on my part to convince the student that learning specific skills reduces the possibility of wrong guesses about turning, changing lanes, etc. When this message sank in, the results were sometimes dramatic.
Before turning your teens over to a driving school, be sure the school actually does teach driving skills. Most parents didn't learn these skills, and even many driving schools don't teach them. One system of instruction is called the Smith System, which includes specific skills and strong emphasis on defensive driving; ask a potential driving school it they use this method of driver training.
Many teens had started driving with parents considerably before they had their instruction permits. They simply learned their parents' habits, which are often not up to date or even safe. It was harder to teach a teen who thought they already knew all they needed to drive. I preferred to teach students who had never driven than those who jumped the gun and learned unsafe driving habits.
I was with a particular driving school for the entire time I taught, and, after a few years, received requests for me to teach a 2nd or even a 3rd teen in the same family.
The biggest puzzle I haven't been able to permanently answer is why people work hard to pass a driving test, then allow the skills that were requisite to pass the test to fall by the way. Someone mentioned above that drivers really don't know anything about their cars except accelerator and brake pedals, and the brake (add the radio!). Additionally, people become so comfortable driving a car that does more and more of their "thinking" for them, that maintaining their knowledge and skills aren't worth the effort. However, it doesn't take long for a dangerous problem to suddenly arise demanding knowledge and skill to handle the situation; it may even save lives. Teens, parents (and all other adults) need to learn traffic laws, rules of the road and precise driving skills - and use them each and every time they get behind the wheel of a car!
Reply
12-27-2010 @ 12:03AM
Roy said...I was a manual "stick shift" driving instructor for eight year in Santa Clara county CA.
I can relate to the articles comment I heard the voice in the back of my head. I actually had several students tell me that while practicing with their parent the could still hear me.
For anyone thinking about teaching someone to drive,you should first ask yourself.
1.Can I stay calm under stress?
That does not mean only during the lesson, it also means in everyday life.
2. Does it bother me when I have to say the same thing over and over and over and over and over :) ? OK you get the point.
3.Do I have bad driving habits and will teach what is correct and not what I do even though you see me doing it wrong when you are the passenger? Be honest.
Food for thought If You Drive this concerns you, if your child drives you should watch one of these 3 Video's with them.
You could save a love ones life.
These are a Must See bit.ly/dV9MxD
Saying "Stay Safe" is not always enough.
For Freddie below please young man watch at-least one Your Choice.You could save a life. bit.ly/dV9MxD
12-25-2010 @ 11:09AM
Freddie said...
Yeah written by two little girls. I got my license when I was 16. Stop treating teenagers like five year olds. This article is stupid and a waste of bandwidth.
Reply
12-27-2010 @ 12:06AM
Debi said...In Boise, ID maybe it should be the parent's. Following behind a driver's ed car one day, the instuctor was on the his cell phone for at least 10 minutes. What is that teaching the student, it's okay to talk and drive at the same time. New drivers have hard enough time staying focused never mind adding in a cell phone. We called the driving school and they didn't really seem to care. So I guess it doesn't really matter who teaches our teens, it's the teen we teach that counts.
Reply
12-27-2010 @ 12:35AM
jim said...Yes, parents should leave teaching to qualified instructors. Parents should also not attempt to teach reading, writing, arithmetic, and manners. And don't forget, sex education and American history should only be taught by qualified teachers. After all, we wouldn't want any child growing up thinking the second amendment is part of the constitution, would we?
Parents also shouldn't mention anything about God or prayers either. They took them out of the schools to make the schools better, so let's not put them in the home and ruin the children.
Was this article written by the president of a teacher's union?
Reply
12-27-2010 @ 12:40AM
jim said...@ Roy--You are right. Parents should ask themselves those three questions, and if they can't answer them properly, they shouldn't have children.
Reply