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SmackDown: Should Parents Teach Teens How to Drive?
Filed under: Opinions
Are parents really the best driving instructors? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Parents and Teens Will Drive Each Other Crazy
by Jessica Samakow
If your kids wanted to go skydiving, would you teach them how to jump yourself, or would you leave it up to a certified instructor?
Assuming you've agreed to let them jump in the first place, you would probably leave the instruction up to someone certified and qualified. So, when it comes to driving, why is the precedent any different?
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of teen deaths in the United States, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. For any other life-threatening activity, parents would probably opt out of being their teen's teacher. But, when it comes to the daily activity that, statistically, presents the most danger, parents tend to be the core instructor.
Bad idea.
Just because a person knows how to drive, doesn't mean she knows how to teach how to drive. And when emotions and fear play into the mix, the results can be disastrous or even fatal.
Instead, certified driving instructors should be responsible for teaching teens how to drive. I still refer to the year I learned how to drive as "the worst year of my life," thanks to my parents who made the experience nothing short of traumatic for me.
Five years ago, I felt like the coolest kid in town the first time I sat behind the wheel, buckled my seat belt and prepared to show the road who was boss. What I neglected to consider (but would soon be reminded of), was that my anxiety-ridden mother was sitting in the passenger seat and her terror would have an effect on me.
We began in a completely empty parking lot, but from her dramatic reactions, one would assume we were on a NASCAR track and that I was a serial killer determined to end her life. I lowered my foot onto the gas pedal, she gasped for air and grabbed onto the ceiling as if it would save her in a time of emergency. My mom failed to recognize that although she was scared, I was the one who had never operated a vehicle before. How was I supposed to remain calm if my "teacher" was in panic mode?
After weeks of practicing in a parking lot and figuring out a way to filter her freak-outs, my mom finally decided I was ready for the tough stuff: neighborhood streets. I knew I had gotten the hang of this whole driving thing, and I felt like it was time to accelerate past 15 mph.
As I gently pressed on the gas and the speedometer crept up toward a whopping 20, my nearly mom ruptured my eardrum.
"JESSSSICAAAAAAAAAAAA," she shrieked.
I slammed on the breaks assuming I had run over a squirrel, or a small child or something. I hadn't. My mom pointed a shaking finger to the kid riding his bike on the sidewalk.
"Well, yeah, Mom, he's on the sidewalk," I said. "I'm on the road. Chill."
But of course, she wouldn't.
I suddenly realized that when I was finally released onto an actual road with real, live cars on it, we were going to have some issues. Again, I was right. My mom's perpetual gasps and motions to slam on her imaginary brakes did not make for a fun "learning" environment.
"YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE CURB," she would scream as she grabbed the wheel to violently steer it the other way.
Clearly an effective teaching method.
Eventually, she came to the conclusion that this wasn't going to work, and she let my step-dad take over as teacher. The polar opposite of my mother, my step-dad is the guy who once got sucked into the deep part of the Bahamian ocean because he decided the "Do not swim past this point" signs did not apply to him.
A little too carefree, some would say.
He decided to use driving time as nap time. I'd be focused on the road waiting for instruction and hear a snore beside me.
I'd shout for him to wake up, he'd shrug his shoulders and say, "OK, just merge onto the highway."
Oh yeah? Just like that?
"Relax," he'd say, "You're too much like your mother."
His guess-and-check method of driving did not feel quite right to me.
Eventually, when I took lessons with a professional instructor, who calmly advised me to "brake sooner" or "make a left turn," I thought to myself, "Wow, where was this guy when I first took to the streets?"
The big day finally came and I was determined to get my license on the first try. Thankfully, I did.
But this automotive scar is so deep that my driver's license has now taken backseat in my wallet to my Metrocard. I moved to New York City and now take the subway every day.
Parents Drive Home Invaluable Lessons
by Mary Kate Baumann
I was driving home from New York City with two of my friends along for the ride one morning last winter. It was a drizzling and bitterly cold day, as I drove along a winding, two-lane highway toward suburban New York.
Things were going fine one minute, but suddenly I was spinning out of control. I'd hit black ice and was careening toward not only the guard rail, but also a highway cop who was setting up flairs at an accident that had just occurred.
It happened so fast, but all I could hear was my dad's voice in the back of my head and flashbacks to deserted, snowy parking lots where he taught me what to do in this exact situation.
"Turn into it, don't slam on the breaks."
It's times like that, where all the frustrations I have had with my parents constantly repeating themselves and reminding me how to drive, all go away.
I will always remember the day I got my driver's permit. It was 7 a.m. (Early? Yes, but I didn't want to sit for hours waiting to take my test. Let's be honest: The DMV is not known for its prompt service). And it was freezing (late March tends to be more winter than spring in New York). I even recall doing some last-minute cramming in the car, just to make sure I would pass the written portion of the test.
Of course, despite my early arrival, I still had to wait. And wait. Finally, I took the test, and, as the clerk (who clearly didn't want to be there) began scoring it, I noticed one wrong answer. Then another. And another. My heart sank and tears started welling in my eyes as she marked my answers incorrect with huge X's -- as if the red marker wasn't already mean enough.
"Oh wait," she said. "My mistake. I'm using the wrong answer key!"
Hilarious. After that traumatizing encounter, I came home with a permit. The piece of paper was my pass to the highway of freedom!
Or so I thought.
Expecting my parents to acknowledge my new grown-up status, I asked to take the car out.
My mother deferred me to my father who wouldn't be home until at least 5 p.m. I begrudgingly accepted my mother as a wimp who refused to let me drive her around and expected my dad to be enthused by my driving.
But no, I was let down yet again when my dad said I'd have to wait until the weekend when it was light out and he had more time.
Finally, Saturday arrived, and my driving endeavors began. First, in parking lots, then in private drives and, eventually, in deserted streets where I'd often be sternly reminded of the "right ways to drive."
My dad had (and still has) this way of freaking out when I go too fast or don't start breaking soon enough for a stop light. He starts grabbing the sides of the car and dashboard, as if bracing himself for impact, which usually ensues in a sigh of disappointment and a stern talking to -- something I've learned to look at in jest.
This was how I learned how to drive -- breaking out in nervous sweats, mostly in fear of being yelled at. However, with my parents by my side, rather than an instructor I'd never met before, I was more relaxed. I was responsible for my family, and not a foreign car and random strangers also learning to drive. I knew my trusty car, and my parents could tell me when I was being stupid. Tough love isn't always that bad.
Once I had to take an official driver's education class, I already knew how to drive because my parents taught me. The driving instructor in the passenger seat next to me was really just giving me directions to the place we were going -- an endless trip with no specific destination.
My parents were the whip-snappers when I was behind the wheel. There were so many rules.
With apologies, when it came to their "rules of the road," some of the biggest let-downs at the time were as follows:
- I was NOT allowed to get my license until I took driver's ed.
- I was NOT allowed to get in a car with one of my friends driving.
- I was NOT allowed to drive at night without my parents in the car.
- I was NOT allowed to drive to my friend's house where a party was; I always had to be dropped off by a parent, and ALWAYS picked up by one.
No matter how much I hated it at the time, I'm thankful for my parents' strict driving rules. Only your parents can teach you invaluable lessons from their personal experiences. And, their brutal honesty? That's their job. Your safety is what matters most.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
12-27-2010 @ 12:53AM
MamaSchack said...I took drivers ed in high school, but my dad taught me as or more of the actual driving. all four of our children took drivers ed in school but they used automatics and so we had to teach them to drive our standard shift cars. There is a little used county road about a half mile from the house. We would take them there and has them start up and go from first to second untile they got that down pat and then gradually when they could go through all the gears smoothly they were allow to drive the car. Now I think only one of them drives a standrad shift car I think that they could all drive a standard of the had too.
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12-27-2010 @ 3:41AM
Kathi said...As the mother of four, three who are drivers, we have done it both ways. We taught our first ourselves, knowing that I cared more than any stranger would about our daughter being a safe driver. We bought the expensive supplemental kit and went to town. She is a safe driver. I was calm, collected, encouraging and the experience shaved off probably five years of my life expenctancy.
The other two went to a driving school. Our fourth is starting January 5.
Apart from the fear factor, our daughters were very cautious and somewhat scared drivers at first. Then our son came along and in the empty parking lot at a high school, drove like a confident veteran. Way too comfortable. The driving school has videos that show accidents and dead people. Dead people made a huge impact on our son who has turned out to be a responsible driver. He is now 19 and accident & ticket free, thank you Lord!
(and knock on wood)
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12-27-2010 @ 3:41AM
Sally said...I suppose if you and your parents are idiots, they ought to not teach you to drive. This idea that "professionals" are the best teachers vs. one's own parents is just another way of attempting to break down family bonds.
I was taught to drive by my father 45 years ago and have driven all over the US and in multiple foreign countries without an accident or a ticket. I taught my children to drive 24 and 22 years ago. The only accidents either have been in since obtaining their licenses were when stopped at a stop light and they were rear-ended by another driver who wasn't paying attention. Neither have ever had a ticket. I am now teaching my soon-to-be 16-year-old grandson to drive. We're both respectful of each other, and both of us take our teacher/pupil roles calmly but seriously. A few weeks ago, we went out, after dark, during blizzard conditions with ice hidden below the snow so he would learn in person how to drive in bad weather conditions. He drove for about an hour with only one slide...which he corrected perfectly...and we passed at least 12 accidents, cars that slid off the road and got stuck and basic idiot drivers who didn't care to drive within the confines of the road conditions.
If you've got parents who are prone to screaming at you, then you're right...they shouldn't be teaching you. If you are a hapless teen who has no respect for your parents' instruction while learning to drive, then you shouldn't be given control of a motor vehicle even with a "professional" teaching you.
I've seen my grandson's friends who took "professional" driving classes and they aren't careful drivers. Many have multiple tickets for speeding, running red lights, putting on make-up while driving...and one got a ticket for READING while driving. Not to mention those who text or talk on their cell phones or fill their car with multiple goofing-off teens who distract the driver or play their music so loud they couldn't hear a siren if it was INSIDE their car. One got in an accident the day he got his license because he "knew" he could make a left turn in front of a dump truck even though the dump truck was too close for him to safely do so.
"Professionals" do a job because they're paid to do it. That doesn't necessarily mean they are more respected as teachers than parents are or that these kids are better drivers because somebody got money for teaching them...I think it all boils down to committment. If family members are committed to each other, respect each other and pass their knowledge on to the younger generation in an atmosphere of love and care, and if the younger generation respects the knowledge and caring of their elders, family members will always surpass somebody who has no emotional, financial or any other kind of attachment to the student. Neither I nor my children had any parental restrictions once we got our licenses because we all understood that driving was a privilege and with that privilege came being responsible for our actions. I didn't need my parents to restrict where or when I drove because they had already taught me how to drive in various kinds of weather, times of day, etc. They didn't have to restrict whether I drove to a party or not because I already accepted that one doesn't drink and drive...or haul exuberant or drunk teen friends around who would distract my driving. I didn't give my children any driving restrictions either...I didn't have to. Teaching personal responsibility began WAY before driving lessons were even on the horizon!
Like everything else in raising children...it's HOW you do it, not WHO does it. It does NOT take a village to raise a child...it takes a FAMILY!
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12-27-2010 @ 4:43AM
Darrell Williams said...My parents did not have the time or a second car for me to learn to drive. I taught myself how to drive. Because of that, I became an accident looking for a place to happen. My first license was a motorcycle license. I forked out way to much money in fines and now I am a better driver because of it. I taught all three of my children to drive and they have become better drivers because of it.
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12-27-2010 @ 10:37AM
susie said...I was trained by an instructor by my own choice and by my own payment. I was 19. I did hire an instructor for my daughter when she wanted to learn to drive at age 20. The instructor was awful. The tail light was broken on the instructor's vehicle and he did errands on my money which was $55 for the hour. That's when I became the instructor and taught everything to my daughter that I was taught including "common sense" good driving habits.
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12-28-2010 @ 9:39AM
k said...My dad taught me to drive and that worked fine for me. Of course he'd been through 6 brothers and sisters first (he was the oldest of 7) and my older sister so he'd been teaching "drivers ed" for 30+ years by the time he got to me. He was the most uptight person outside the car but when he was in the passengers seat teaching someone to drive he was more relaxed than I was at that time. He has now been through a succession of grandkids (I think he's at 4 now with more to come I'm sure) including my eldest and I don't worry about them. Continuing his tradition I assisted 2 siblings with getting their licenses in 2 different states and tho my baby sister complained about my laid back attitude she got her license first time out so I'm all for family doing the teaching but it has t b th right family member. My mom or my older sister "shiver"... they'd scare me off th road as high strung as they are. As for drivers ed, I think it's great if you can get it in school for free... but in my state they took it completely out of the schools but still require it so now all drivers (or their families) have to cough up upwards of $300 to take it of which th MVA (DMV in other states) get a healthy kickback from.
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12-27-2010 @ 9:23PM
Lori Carbonetta said...I taught all three of our children how to drive. They took Driver's Ed. after that and found that experience basically useless in actual teaching although they all had different instructors. I was taught by Driver's Ed. as well and found the times my Dad took me out much more helpful.
Most parents care about their children much more than any stranger and want them to drive safely. Our youngest passed the test but I didn't feel he was ready and continued to teach him for a few more months before allowing him to drive alone.
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12-28-2010 @ 12:04AM
Ariane said...Like some of the other posters, these two columns represent my parents. My dad taught me to drive when I turned 15 since our insurance didn't give a discount for driver's ed, and we practiced in parking lots for a couple of months before moving on to city streets.
I think I drove with my mom maybe twice before I turned 18 (and I still avoid it when possible) since she does the grasping for handles, imaginary brake, and gasping. I end up paying more attention to her than to the road! Even in college, I would drive to her office to pick her up, and promptly get into the passenger side :-)
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12-28-2010 @ 9:58AM
QualityEssays said...I firmly believe that formal training is a MUST for all new learners.
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12-28-2010 @ 10:54AM
Gordon said...I have lived in the UK, Europe, US and Australia and I can safely say that America has the worst drivers I have ever had to share the road with. There is NO consideration for any other drivers on the road and no wonder why there are so many accidents, grid locks and fatalities. New driver need to be taught by a professional so at lease the rest of us get a chance to get home safely.
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1-10-2011 @ 6:53PM
smapplebee said...If you value life, teenagers should pay a driving instructor to teach them to drive. Driving is a privilege. An instructor is trained to teach drivers how to react in crises situations. Those who brag about teaching themselves or their wonderful driving skills are fooling themselves. A wrong action at a critical point in traffic can mean the difference between life and death. The way I see it, every time a person is killed in an Accident, that is one less person to cause me to have an accident.
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