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I Gave My Nanny a Hijab for Christmas
Filed under: Religion & Spirituality, Opinions
Illustration by Dori Hartley
"So I converted today," my 23-year-old American Italian au pair texted me on her day off. When she had left earlier that day, she mentioned going to see a mosque with her Muslim friend.
"Ha-ha," I texted back with a snort, taking a quick break from my gift-wrapping. "How funny."
Then I scratched my head and added, "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope," Brittany texted back. "I'm serious. I hope that's OK with you?"
Neither my Italian husband, who proudly brands himself a pagan thrown out of Catholic school, nor I, a Russian-Jewish atheist, knew what to say. We live in Astoria, an ethnically diverse New York City neighborhood with Irish pubs and hookah bars that offer up water pipes instead of alcohol and play Middle-Eastern pop instead of American rock. We celebrate Chanukah with my family, truck loads of gifts from my husband's on Christmas and go for Turkish coffee and baklava on Ramadan nights. We respect every religion equally and diligently follow none.
At her nanny interview earlier this year, Brittany described herself as a lapsed Catholic. An upbeat, self-sufficient Jersey girl, she wore dresses that barely covered her backside and shirts that failed to clothe her belly. She wanted out of her small town. We offered free room and board in the big city, with 400 bucks weekly for the tender loving care of our 3-year-old. Within a month, Brittany discovered hookah bars in the Little Egypt enclave and became a regular, bringing her Jersey friends along.
Now she found Allah.
"Is it still OK to give you Christmas gifts?" I texted her. She had her right to theological choices, but I had to plan for the holidays.
"Hell yeah," Brittany replied, the four-letter word apparently not conflicting with her new faith. "Nothing's changed. I just should wear modest clothes and, if I want to, a headscarf. They call it a hijab."
Next morning, when Brittany emerged from her room in a bright fuchsia headscarf tightly pinned around her head exactly like the Little Egypt denizens wear theirs, she rendered me speechless. If I respected all religions alike, I should've had no problem with Brittany swathing her head in a pink halo. But it felt odd.
"You said you didn't have to wear it," I accosted her.
"I'm gonna try to get used to it," she replied. "Everyone in the hookah bar said I looked pretty."
"But I like your hair," I started, and suddenly realized what my problem was. I was neither upset Brittany converted nor afraid she'd expose my children to Islam, because our extended families would inevitably introduce them to Christianity and Judaism while hubby and I would devotedly practice irreligion at home.
But I was upset Brittany chose to cover her wild mane with a piece of cloth in the name of dubious modesty and because of a hookah schmuck's compliment. While women all over the world fought against hijabs, burkas and abayas, my American born-and-bred au pair was willing to don and uphold this very token of female oppression. Even as a fashion statement, it felt wrong to me. When travelling Jordan a few years ago, I excitedly tried on the full Islamic gear in a Bedouin camp. I looked authentic in the long embroidered dress, but, staring in the mirror with my face covered, even I couldn't tell it was me. I bought the dress but not the hijab. The world deserved to see my face and my long blond hair. The world deserved to see Brittany's black curls.
I realized I had rattled this aloud, but I couldn't shut up. "Maybe it would make sense if you were raised a Muslim or wore it to attend a religious ceremony," I ranted. "But, I'm sorry, I don't want my children to grow up thinking that a woman should hide her beauty from the world."
I finally stopped, unsure to what extent I insulted my nanny and her new religion. Brittany was punctual, responsible and never lost anything. I didn't want her to leave. But I couldn't let Allah or any other deity move into our secular home either.
Brittany pulled out her pins and rid herself of her pink nimbus.
"Al'right," she said simply. "I'll save it for the mosque."
I took a deep breath of relief. The mosque was OK with me. I had covered my hair and taken off my shoes to enter the Blue Mosque in Istanbul out of respect. Brittany could wear her hijab to worship whenever she wanted.
The next evening, after buying Christmas presents for our Italian kin and Chanukah chatchkas for the Jewish mishpucha, I wandered into the Cairo Fashions store and purchased two beautiful headscarves, pashmina for winter and silk for summer. I wrapped the Islamic goods into glossy paper featuring Santa riding reindeers through the snow and slipped them under the tree to be opened on the day the shepherds of Nazareth rejoiced the birth of Jesus Christ.
Dear Hashem, Jesus, Allah, I pray she likes them.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
3-10-2011 @ 9:43AM
Dennis said...To be honest considering how much hate there is in religion today, I am unhappy of ALL symbols of religion around my children. If the relgious pyschos only killed each other and only like to hurt each other then I could be tolerent of thier hatered of all that is good. But they like to hurt and kill all people so I feel religious people be they christian, jews or muslim are sick hateful dangerious people. Who I work hard to keep away from my children.
12-29-2010 @ 10:25PM
Julia said...Let me start off by saying that I'm glad you support your nanny's decision to practice the religion she wants. However, I think your view of the Hijab is, to put it succinctly, incorrect. While it's true that there are many women today who view the Hijab (and other forms of body and head coverings) as oppressive, there are also women who do not. There are women who choose to wear the hijab of their own free will without pressure from their family/friends/government. Head and body coverings have a vast historical heritage that shouldn't be ignored, which I feel is what happened in this article. Traditionally, head coverings were worn by women of all different faiths- Christian and Jewish women, for example, traditionally wore head coverings and modest clothing just as Muslim women do today. Some women of all religious faiths still DO wear these coverings today, as do some women simply out of respect for their own cultural heritage. In addition, the veil was historically an important marker of social class; as only upper-class women were permitted to wear the veil, it was a positive marker of wealth and class. In reality, it is only when the Middle East started to become colonized by the western powers that the idea of the hijab and veil as 'oppressive' started to take shape. There's a vast cultural history to head coverings in the Islamic religion, and to ignore the history and base your idea of the hijab solely on what people say it means today is disrespectful and wrong.
Reply
12-29-2010 @ 10:25PM
mikefromsomewhere said...Look, you're probably going to catch a lot of hell about oblivious privilege, and I assure you it's well earned. But it's the season for giving, and I really hope that someone around here, with enough perspective on the matter, is charitable enough this Christmas to tell you how she'd feel if someone she trusted had treated her in this way. I'm not going to berate you as if you're oblivious to all this. I can tell from your tone that you sense what you've done, and that maybe in your last sentence what you're maybe hoping for is forgiveness.
I am the last person who should be telling you this. I'm a privileged, white atheist straight guy. I dearly hope I am upstaged here by someone better qualified to tell you this than me. But even I can see what was wrong with that last sentence.
Your gifts sound nice. I hope she likes them too. But the best apology is an *apology*. Please, read around these comments, try and *really understand* what was so hypocritical and wrong about how you behaved, and apologize to your nanny. Don't make "acceptance" your gift to her. You owed her that already.
Have a good new year.
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12-29-2010 @ 10:38PM
Melody said...Congratulations on shaming your friend into conforming to what you wanted her to do, instead of what she wanted. I'm sure that is exactly in line with the liberation of her free will and choice.
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12-30-2010 @ 7:19AM
lizzie said......seriously? Isn't feminism about the right to -choose- what you'd like to wear? Because you think it's oppressive to your rights as a female, you choose not to wear it. This does mean, though, that she should be free to wear it wherever and not be demonized for it. The world doesn't "deserve" to see any part of a woman, regardless of "how pretty", ever.
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12-30-2010 @ 9:19AM
Jennifer Armintrout said...Your attitude sickens me. No one is entitled to your nanny's attractiveness, and she can cover herself if she wishes. She doesn't owe you or anyone in this world a piece of her body, not even her "wild mane". The fact that you bullied her into removing her hijab is disgusting beyond belief. I hope she finds an employer who respects her as a human and not a piece of property.
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12-30-2010 @ 9:27AM
Linka said...So your idea is that women should dress a certain way because the world "deserves" to see us? That we have a duty to be beautiful and attractive for the world? THAT is oppression of women. That's patriarchy in action. It's way more counter-feminist than the relatively modest modesty of a headscarf.
You're teaching your children that women's bodies are PUBLIC PROPERTY, and this is a far worse lesson than you'd teach if you'd refrained from bullying your au pair about her fashion choices.
And "some hookah schmuck" is the most intolerant thing I've read all day. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaad that this upper class hipster woman gets a platform here to pat herself on the back for being so enlightened while spreading such vile poison.
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12-30-2010 @ 11:47AM
jjdonkey said...You know, living in a diverse neighborhood doesn't give you permission to appropriate the sacred holidays and practices of those cultures to up your social justice street cred. I live in one of the most culturally diverse neighborhoods in the COUNTRY, and its packed to the rafters with bigoted, closed minded jerks from every walk of life. You may think it sounds hip and progressive to pick and choose the "fun parts" of a dozen religions, but the fact that you couldn't care less about what they represent to the faithful just screams privileged.
In short, your efforts to provide us a glimpse of your modern, free thinking parenting while also making sure we know how beautiful you are is fairly disgusting. Careful you don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
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12-31-2010 @ 2:22PM
Rebecca said...I like how the writer bends over backwards in an attempt to prove how tolerant she is as she oppresses someone else's freedom of choice.
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12-30-2010 @ 1:31PM
nanny fan said..."Brittany could wear her hijab to worship whenever she wanted."
Gosh, how kind of you.
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1-01-2011 @ 1:23PM
TByrer said...I sincerely hope the economy improves enough so that your nanny can find employment with someone much less bigoted and self-centered than you've presented yourself to be in this hateful essay.
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1-05-2011 @ 3:13PM
David said..."...she wore dresses that barely covered her backside and shirts that failed to clothe her belly."
the pagan must have hired her...
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1-06-2011 @ 1:16PM
Kimo said...And this was supposed to be a nice, heart-warming article?
You just displayed the inner racism and prejudices that you have.
The vast majority of Muslim women (especially here in the West) who choose to cover themselves up do it because THEY WANT TO. They don't feel the slightest form of "oppresion". It is actually LIBERATION.
Would anyone dare call Mary, the Mother of Jesus, "oppressed"?
Didn't she cover??
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2-10-2011 @ 12:22PM
Moe said...So wait let me get this right - you first of all made sure you could push YOUR religious traits on her (buying her a Christmas present) and then asked her to not practice her religion around you.
And as a gift you gave her a hijab.
If someone said to your kids that they had to practice religion at school whether they liked it or not, and then bought you an athiesm is great pin, you would be happy I assume?
What a bigot whoever wrote this article is.
Get over yourself and your ignorance. The beauty of a woman wearing a hijab is that she respects herself as more than just an object to be looked at. Apparently that's all the author sees herself as, an object to be looked at so guys can fantasize about her.
Good for you, Lina, unfortunately many people around the world see you and your ways as whorish at best.
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3-13-2011 @ 5:45PM
Dennis said...After reading all the hate bigotry and intolerance on here my answer is yes I would keep ALL symbols of religion away from my children. Obviously only relgious people are suppose to have choices and all those who disagree with them must just suck it up. F... OFF all you haters and please just hate and kill each other not the good people just trying to raise thier children to be good humans.
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