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I'm Uncomfortable Letting My Daughter Have Sleepovers at a Certain Friend's House
Filed under: Opinions
Dear AdviceMama,
I'm an old dad (late 50s). My 11-year-old daughter loves sleepovers, both at our house and her friends'. However, I have an issue with the mother of one of her friends. She is very sweet and a member of our church, but I question her maturity level. She shows off her tattoos and piercings to the kids (of course, they think she is cool), has two children by different dads, both out of the picture, and a new boyfriend.
If the girls are studying, she will take them out for McDonald's (half an hour before dinner). She offered to take my daughter to get a pet bunny without asking us because she was getting her daughter one. Her daughter is an honor student, polite, articulate, creative and a pleasure. It's the mom I question.
How do I tell my daughter I am not comfortable with her sleeping over at this woman's house when she is allowed to go to her other friends' houses for sleepovers? How do I teach her not to be judgmental when I am?
Signed,
Worried Dad
Dear Worried,
I appreciate the honesty in the last line of your question. It's hard to justify lecturing our kids about not judging others when, in fact, we do judge people -- especially those we entrust with the care of our children.
A parent having tattoos or piercings doesn't necessarily tell you that your daughter would be unsafe at her friend's home. Many children suffer all kinds of harm at the hand of untattooed, unpierced parents! The problem with your situation is that there are not one, not two, but quite a few indicators that could suggest your daughter's friend's mother isn't as responsible as you might hope a parent to be who is taking charge of your child.
But she has raised what sounds like a lovely daughter, and that may mean that despite her somewhat erratic personal life, she takes parenting very seriously. Then again, there are many highly responsible kids whose parents are very unstable; these children often end up "parenting" their parents, maintaining control and steadiness in fairly chaotic households.
I don't think you should judge this mother as a person, but I do believe it's fair to explain to your daughter that you take your job as a parent seriously, have concerns about letting her spend the night with her friend and don't feel confident that her mother shares your values and sensibilities.
Tell your daughter you are open to learning more about her friend's family by spending time together. Invite your daughter's friend and mother for dinner so you can find out who she is, beyond the tattoos, the bunny or the boyfriend. Try to get a sense of whether her daughter has a regular bedtime. Are family meals important? What does she say about drugs and alcohol? Does her boyfriend spend the night?
Be open to the possibility that this woman may turn out to be a responsible and conscientious parent. If, however, your time with her leaves you convinced your daughter shouldn't spend the night at her home, emphasize that while this mom may be cool, fun and interesting, you've decided that -- for now -- she can't have sleepovers there. Allow her to be mad, sad or tell you "It's not fair" and listen until she's had a chance to vent.
This situation isn't about being judgmental; it's about keeping your eyes open and recognizing that being a parent means trusting your instincts and acting on them, even if it makes your kids angry with you.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
I'm an old dad (late 50s). My 11-year-old daughter loves sleepovers, both at our house and her friends'. However, I have an issue with the mother of one of her friends. She is very sweet and a member of our church, but I question her maturity level. She shows off her tattoos and piercings to the kids (of course, they think she is cool), has two children by different dads, both out of the picture, and a new boyfriend.
If the girls are studying, she will take them out for McDonald's (half an hour before dinner). She offered to take my daughter to get a pet bunny without asking us because she was getting her daughter one. Her daughter is an honor student, polite, articulate, creative and a pleasure. It's the mom I question.
How do I tell my daughter I am not comfortable with her sleeping over at this woman's house when she is allowed to go to her other friends' houses for sleepovers? How do I teach her not to be judgmental when I am?
Signed,
Worried Dad
Dear Worried,
I appreciate the honesty in the last line of your question. It's hard to justify lecturing our kids about not judging others when, in fact, we do judge people -- especially those we entrust with the care of our children.
A parent having tattoos or piercings doesn't necessarily tell you that your daughter would be unsafe at her friend's home. Many children suffer all kinds of harm at the hand of untattooed, unpierced parents! The problem with your situation is that there are not one, not two, but quite a few indicators that could suggest your daughter's friend's mother isn't as responsible as you might hope a parent to be who is taking charge of your child.
But she has raised what sounds like a lovely daughter, and that may mean that despite her somewhat erratic personal life, she takes parenting very seriously. Then again, there are many highly responsible kids whose parents are very unstable; these children often end up "parenting" their parents, maintaining control and steadiness in fairly chaotic households.
I don't think you should judge this mother as a person, but I do believe it's fair to explain to your daughter that you take your job as a parent seriously, have concerns about letting her spend the night with her friend and don't feel confident that her mother shares your values and sensibilities.
Tell your daughter you are open to learning more about her friend's family by spending time together. Invite your daughter's friend and mother for dinner so you can find out who she is, beyond the tattoos, the bunny or the boyfriend. Try to get a sense of whether her daughter has a regular bedtime. Are family meals important? What does she say about drugs and alcohol? Does her boyfriend spend the night?
Be open to the possibility that this woman may turn out to be a responsible and conscientious parent. If, however, your time with her leaves you convinced your daughter shouldn't spend the night at her home, emphasize that while this mom may be cool, fun and interesting, you've decided that -- for now -- she can't have sleepovers there. Allow her to be mad, sad or tell you "It's not fair" and listen until she's had a chance to vent.
This situation isn't about being judgmental; it's about keeping your eyes open and recognizing that being a parent means trusting your instincts and acting on them, even if it makes your kids angry with you.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
12-27-2010 @ 6:02PM
Michelle said...You should only allow your child to sleep over at a friend's home if
you know the parents well; better safe than sorry. By this I mean
speaking with them often, knowing their parenting style, being inside their home, and things like if they drink or smoke or have boyfriends or girlfriends. In fact, my 11 year-old's best friend's mother is a lot like the mother you describe. The girl is a good student and as sweet as can be, but her mom has an unstable home, being that she is single,having children by multiple boyfriends, and leaving her daughter home lone very often. For me it's simple: my kids are just not allowed to attend sleepovers. If there is a party first, they can go to the party and we pick them up at 10pm. My kids are used to telling other kids that "we don't do sleepovers", as a family rule, and they are fine with that. They like sleeping safe and sound in their own beds! Fortunately, most of their friends' parents (the ones that I actually would consider a sleepover at their house) feel the same way as I do, and perhaps having that type of parenting in common is one of the reasons we are all friends, and happy as friends without having to do sleepovers! It's hard when your child's friend is fine, but the parents are not ideal. Like the author said, invite the girl to your house instead.
Reply
12-28-2010 @ 11:00AM
Alicia said...I feel sorry for your kids. I loved sleepovers as a kid and certainly never suffered at the hands of another child's parents, despite the fact that they were almost weekly occurrences in my childhood. That said, if the mother is a heavy drinker or leaves the children on their own often, I understand your concern, but you should talk to the mother about the rabbit incident and I don't see how the boyfriend is a concern, depending on how long they've been together. If it's only been a year or so, fine, but my dad and "stepmom" aren't married and I still consider her and my "stepsisters" part of the family because they've been dating so long. It's possible that the mother and her boyfriend are in a similar situation. I also fail to see the problem with the study break to McDonald's. If you kid doesn't eat, she can still certainly sit at the dinner table and share her day with the rest of the family. If she's hungry later, there will most likely be leftovers. As for tattoos and piercings, those are completely irrelevant. The only difference between people with tattoos and people without them is that people without them care if you have them.
12-30-2010 @ 12:21AM
Michelle said...Alicia,
Believe me, you will feel differently when you have kids of your own. It surprises me that someone who has no kids (and from one of your other posts, doesn't want any) has an interest in visiting this site, and thinks they know better than all the parents on this board.
Better safe than sorry. My kids have even told me they are happy they don't have to give in to the pressure of sleeping over at everyone's house. They actually enjoy being at home as a family. Maybe it's because my husband and I don't want to throw them out of the house at night and actually live for doing fun stuff with them. Being a parent isn't just about teaching them to be independent, but teaching them that togetherness as a family is just as, if not more, important. Parenting during these short years is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to miss a fleeting moment. So don't feel sorry for my kids, they are doing more than fine; imagine that!
12-30-2010 @ 2:27PM
Godiva said...Yeah, sup with that, Alicia?
Why do you post on Parentdish? You're not a Parent and you despise children, per your past posts, or the idea of having any so why are you constantly posting rude and insulting comments here?
12-31-2010 @ 12:03AM
Alicia said...I never said I despise kids. I love kids. I babysit for my cousins regularly. I just don't want any children of my own. As fr why I read Parentdish, the majority of the world's population either are or will be parents, therefore keeping up with current ideas on parenting and how parents view the news is important. I'm not man, but I read Asylum sometimes, I have no interest in going int finance or business but I read the IBD and Wall Street Journal. It's important to be informed. It's also important to expand yourself beyond your own horizons, which I think is an opportunity that sleepovers and time away from parents provides. Also, I have to deal with your kids when they grow up and enter my work place as employees. If this generation of young parents raises dependent, entitled, whiny children, then I have to deal with that in 20 or so years. I have enough issues with my generation; the majority may be well-adjusted, intelligent contributers to society, but a scary number of people I attend work and class with every day are undereducated, self-absorbed, completely incapable of functioning by themselves and basically useless as young adults and should have just stayed in kindergarten.
1-04-2011 @ 11:58AM
emma said...Be very careful. As the mother of a 22 year old, I can tell you from experience that this Mom will be the "Cool" Mom who when they are teenagers will let them drink, watch inappropriate videos and allow boys to stay over night on those sleepovers. The fact that she goes to church means absolutely nothing. Go ahead and let people accuse you of being judgmental and uptight, it's your child's health and safety and future at stake - trust your instinct about being concerned. Be a good influence on your daughter's friend but I would keep her away from this woman's home.
12-29-2010 @ 1:13AM
Chris said...Ok, man...you've got a little thinking to do here. If what I think you're thinking is correct, you're under the impression that your daughter will learn from her friend's Mom instead of her friend. Guess what...who is your daughter friends with? The daughter, not the Mom. Who does she want to hang out with? The daughter, not the Mom. The rabbit, McDonalds, tattoos and piercings are only TRIVIAL things. You've made no mention of this woman having a history of child abuse, violence, drugs, alcohol, or unlawful activities (which would be big no-nos as far as if I was to let my child sleepover with their friend at another parent's house)...you've only gone as far as to mention her past marriages, boyfriend, and the fact that SHE GOES TO YOUR CHURCH. Her morals shouldn't be in question here. The only influence you should be worried about is your daughter's friend, who, by what you wrote, sounds like someone I'd want my kid hanging around.
As far as your trying to teach your child not to be as judgmental as you are, you can only lead by example, especially with a child. "Do as I say, not as I do" will never work with a child, and never has in the history of mankind. As far as making steps in that direction, I would "postpone" her sleepover activities until you get a solid handle of what her friend's mother is as a parent (i.e., get all the facts before you judge)...then make your decision. And let her know all that you find when you answer why or why not you agree to let her sleepover at her friend's.
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12-30-2010 @ 11:15AM
Tamara said...Better be safe than sorry. Most of the time when I have that feeling, I'm right. Your child is not a guinea pig. I would beat myself up too much if something were to happen to my daughter. I dont let my children go anywhere there are strange men. Only my mom and sisters can babysit. When they are old enough and ask to sleep over a friend's house, I will let them know that They are not allowed to sleep over any friends house.. period. Too much crazy stuff going on in the world today and my children's safety is too important.
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12-29-2010 @ 9:52PM
lisa said...Bad advice. Listen to your gut, it never lies. The boyfriends may be very harmful. The woman is not responsiblie and very manipulating. The problem that makes me feel suspicious is the rabbit, Why would someone impose an animal into another person's home? That was thoughtless and peculiar. Use your intuition, be judgemental and it will save you a lot of grief. The liberal agenda does not work when it comes to your child! My child is a very successful 18 year old. Don't listen to bad advice and don't invite this lady and all her rhetoric into your world.
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6-07-2011 @ 11:10PM
janelle said...well said lisa! i agree completly...and the day a parent tried to buy my daughter a pet; ANY kind of pet i:de look her square in the eye and say "you are kidding; right?" wow. the iggnorance of some people! that alone shows the womans sense of irresponsibility.
12-29-2010 @ 11:17PM
Suzanne said...I completely disagree.... trust your instinct. If your daughters friend is a nice girl, have her to your house and allow them to be together on your terms. This woman does not seem like a very good role model.... and it sounds as though she is more interested in being "liked" than being the responsible adult.
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12-29-2010 @ 11:26PM
Vixen said...In my situation, there are SO many questionable parents in my area (far more than tatoos and all) that I've decided there will be no sleepovers anywhere. And you know what? All my kids are fine with that. I don't mind having other kids stay here as long as they obey my rules (and conversation and language are definitely monitored here), but my kids sleep in their own beds. Period.
After the sleepless sleepovers mine have had with others in the past, they much prefer their own beds, unless they're at Grandma's.
Other kids like it here much more than their own homes anyway, so what the heck. If other parents ask why mine can't stay at their homes, I just tell them that my husband and I decided early on that our children would always sleep in their own beds, and that is that. Take it or leave it.
Most parents are happy to have their kids out of the house anyhow. I guess I like my kids more than they like theirs.
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12-30-2010 @ 12:21AM
Michelle said...Vixen,
Totally agree, my thoughts exactly! I always get the feeling I like having my kids with me more than other parents do with their kids; never understood that.
12-29-2010 @ 11:48PM
gina said...bottom line is you really have to get to know someone before you let your kid sleep over anyones house.which unfortunately we dont today because it seems parents cant wait to get their kids out of their hair. but please dont judge her on appearence alone. take it into consideration but dont let it be everything. i am a goofy parent. i laugh and clown around with my kids but i do take parenting serious.but i totally believe in gut feelings, so if you realy feel that she shouldnt, then maybe she shouldnt...good luck
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12-30-2010 @ 4:10AM
scarvesff said...These pictures really beautiful, in which station to collect it?
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12-30-2010 @ 6:10AM
oceansunsets7777 said...Dear Worried Dad,
I would definitely be worried, too! I don't think it's appropriate for the mother to, as you say ... "She shows off her tattoos and piercings to the kids (of course, they think she is cool), has two children by different dads, both out of the picture, and a new boyfriend."
Since the kids "think she is cool," they are going to see these kinds of things as acceptable behavior. They may even try to emulate her on what she has done in her life.
That mother is, of course, entitled to her own lifestyle. She may indeed be raising a wonderful child. BUT ... keep in mind, that if you don't want YOUR child emulating the behavior you see apparent in this mother, then I would definitely NOT allow sleepovers.
Yes, sure, you could try to get to know her better. Perhaps she is really a very nice person ... but seriously, do you want your daughter wanting to get tatoos and piercings and thinking they are cool??? Good grief, she is only 12 and very impressionable.
How about she emulate someone that you approve of and would like her to look up to!
*Note to experience: My 12 year old son's best friend for the past year had parents who had exhibited some of what appeared to be lazy and non-caring habits that I did not approve of, yet the kids really had a good time together. So I continued to allow them to be friends and I always wondered why his friend ALWAYS, ALWAYS wanted to come to my home ... and I finally found out.
The other child's home is very unacceptable and stressful to the young 12 year old boy who tries to live his life over there. It's no wonder that he want's so desperately to be my son's friend so that he can spend as much time at our house as possible.
The other boy's home, as I have come to find out, is a big community home. Unfortunately, his real mom abandoned him ... so now he lives with his "Mom" (who is actually his grandmother), his Grandpa, his Real Dad, who lives at home with his mom, but is a total alcoholic/drug addict, and his "Real Dad's" girlfriend. I have found out that they all smoke pot on a regular basis, drink excessively and basically don't seem to care what this young 12 year old does.
So sad.
Bottom line is that my now 13 year old son has decided that he doesn't want to be friends with this previous friend of his. He is sick and tired of his past friend's inappropriate behaviors, his swearing, his constant talking about drugs, his lack of respect for others, and he's tired on his past friend trying to talk him into things he shouldn't do.
Whew!! I am so PROUD of my son for finally realizing that this kid was a bad influence and he finally got rid of him!!
I sincerely hope more kids will realize that some other kids are just BAD INFLUENCES on them and to not let them try to tempt them into a life of laziness, drugs and disrespect for others.
I hope that my parenting and constant connection with my son through talking and paying attention to what he does and cares about were instrumental in helping him to choose the right path, along with my guidance and not letting him spend time in what I felt (and found out later) was a VERY inappropriate environment!
Trust your instincts, check out the facts, and talk with your child to help guide them in their choices of friends and decisions. They will respect and love you for it in the long run!!
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1-03-2011 @ 4:08PM
bek said...Wow oceansunsets I hope your child does not grow up to be like you, YOU ARE BLAMING THE KID NOT HIS PARENTS! He is a bad influence, ha, you are a bad person! How about trying to help the poor kid out not just shunning him. And David Parker you are a psychopath. You people are the reason I am scared to have children. I would never want to raise them in a society that has such judgemental and delusional people living in it. Oceansunsets, you probably think you are such a good mother and pure person but whether you realize it or not, you come off as a horrible person. I pity you and your kids and anyone who has to come across you, ever. However I would rather deal with you then David Parker who sounds like he might burn me at the stake. CRAZY!
1-07-2011 @ 3:21PM
dougalcandy said...Why is getting a tattoo considered unacceptable behavior? I am a successful HS English Teacher who got my tattoo at age 38 because I'd always wanted one--and NOT because I had "bad "influences around. My daughter was 10 at the time, and I showed it to her proudly. She thought it was cool. but to this day does not have one of her own. I guess judging by your standards, my career, Masters degree , and successful marriage would make me someone you'd be afraid to have your kids around based solely on the fact that I have a tattoo. Hope your kid doesn't grow up to be as judgemental as you!
12-31-2010 @ 12:11AM
Judy said...To worried Dad: You mention having concerns about the mother and boyfriend in your daughter's friend's home. You have been told not to be judgemental. I look at it as being discerning of what you see before you. Many preditors target single women with daughters and younger children. The daughter is suppose to be a very good student and such a nice girl. Often, children who have been physically molested gain a sense of control in their lives by controlling the things in their lives like grades and behavior. Your daughter's friend may not have any of these situations but it is wise to take the precautions that you are to be sure they do not happen. Just because someone goes to your church does not mean that all is well in the homefront. Many molestors are directly from the church members themselves. I have taught for over 35 years and have seen children and families who have had immature, mixed up family lives and wouldn't want any of my children to spend the night or even visit at their friend's houses. You are doing the right thing to set limits on the visiting when you have such concerns. The Holy Spirit gives us the ability to discern what others may not be able to discern. It can be a touchy situation but you need to be the one to make the final judgement call. Let the child come to your place and leave it at that. You need not make any excuses to the parent or anyone. You are the parent and that is your decision alone.
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1-02-2011 @ 9:04AM
david m parker said...hello sir if you are not sure about your 11 yr old
sleeping over at a certain house then here is a test ok.how about you going over to that house to talk to the parents to invite to goto a baptist church,calvary chapel church,no catholic churches ok.because in the king james version bible it says that the catholic church is the whore of babylon ok.& they have to listen to the entire message being preached ok.& also here is the real key ok.if they head for the alter on thier own & they are crying because of the conviction of the lord jesus christ & also of the holyspirit & they actually get on thier own knees & they repent with a fully loving repentful heart at the cross of jesus christ & that they begin to read the holy bible daily,& that they are going to the church where they got saved to every single service 7 days a week faithfully ok.& if
you see a positive change in them & if you see the love,joy,peace,humbleness,meakness,holiness,etc...ok.then it will be ok.but if they don't go foward to the alter after the sermon is done & they head out the door quickly do not let your 11 yr old girl or boy sleep over there no moer ok.you see we are loosing the younger generation to sex,witch craft,drugs,alchahol,pornos,cellphone sex,cellphone text sex,all of these things satan is using to weed out this next generation to kill,steal thier soul & spirit,destroy from them all ok.all grown ups we all need to push back the darkness with the salt & the light of jesus christ ok.if you want to know more contact www.tbn.org or 1888-731-1000 for more information on how to stop satan from taking your children,family,friends,lovedones from you all in jesus name ok!!!!
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