My Grandson's Meltdowns Are Wearing Us Out!

I completely agree, Coop. Being condescending or mocking to a child is just as bad as if it were done to an adult. Children are a lot smarter than adults give them credit for. Hence, the temper tantrums to get what they want. They learn very quickly what behavior gets them their reward. Illnesses and medical conditions aside, if a lot of these wishy-washy parents I see would stand up and be a stronger parent, they wouldn't have these problems. Who wears the pants anyway? Some people don't seem to understand that you can be firm, say NO and mean it, and still be a good, loving parent. If children know what's expected of them, what is not tolerated, and how far they can really go, this type of thing doesn't happen often.

Helping a young child put words to his/her emotions isn't being condescending - it is TEACHING. As an adult, you might feel that it is mocking. That is because you already know how to express yourself through words. You already know how to control your emotions. Young children are still learning that concept. A strong parent is one who is able to empathize with a child and use that moment as a teaching tool. Little Johnny doesn't get the cookies and he learns that while it's okay to be upset about that, it's always better to own an emotion rather than allow an emotion to own you.

A child is not going to "listen" to anything you say unless you first "get his/her attention" and prove to him/her that you mean what you say when you say it. And if you continually "appease" that child by giving in to what he/she wants, you will never get control. All the psychololgy in the world won't help until a child learns right from wrong, and when that is learned you won't need psychology. Every child is different, so how can you give general advice like this without knowing the history of this child? And as far as taking a child to see a therapist, therapy won't help anyone that doesn't want it and I will tell you a 4 year old is not old enough to make that decision. A 4 year old only knows that he wants what makes him happy, regardless of whether it is good or bad for him. Now, knowing the consequences of his/her actions will determine in a childs mind what actions to take. If the consequences of throwing a fit result in getting what they want, they will throw a tantrum. If the consequences result in discipline, they will soon learn not to throw the tantrum. Child psychologists with no experience are useless, and I am talking about actually being a parent, not learning something in a book. In my opinion, my parents were not the best in the world, but I will tell you the discipline they provided taught us right from wrong at a very early age, and all six of us turned out to be pretty good citizens. I thing the Bible says it best, "Spare the rod, spoil the child".

Why not say something like "I can see you need to let off some steam; when you're done I'll be right over here." Then calmly take a few steps out of the way where you can see the child but not in an obvious staring manner. When the child sees he is not getting attention for his action he usually stops right away. I witnessed my mother using this approach on my younger siblings and only had to use this with my daughter once. I recently did the very same thing with my young grand nephew and he has never thrown another tantrum in my presence.

Try sitting your child down everyday and teach them how to act and be moral by using children's books that show good and bad behaviors. - Internet Safety for Kids - http://www.e-bookssite.com

Ann I completely agree with you! It is teaching. Kids will have a meltdown not only because they didnt get what they wanted, but also because they have no idea how to label what they are feeling. you are not born knowing what your feeling. its no differnt than teaching a child to use the potty. you have to teach them how to deal with emotions. and you cant do that till they learn they feel mad, sad, angry ect....my three year old son so far seems able to control his tantrums in public. we havent had the display of him laying on the ground and screaming his head off..yet. now his 15 month old sister? differnt story, she is already doing the scream my head off for no reason and laying on the ground kicking till she cant breathe, when that happens I just let her lay there and get it out, then let her know what she is feeling, I dont give a damn how many other people stare at me while she has her fit. its my child and ill deal with it how I know how with that individual child. you cant reason with her, you cant stop her. as with many kids they sometimes have to just let it out! as an adult when your having a crappy day dont you feel better getting home, and getting it out? so do they. they just dont know its not ok in public yet lol

Long before a child is 4, the understanding of 'YES' & 'NO' - will be clear if the parent has been consistent. I have been a 'single' career Mom to a 20 year old 3rd year college student. Unless there is a medical reason not to discipline a child - discipline should start the moment a child understand a parent's directive and does the opposite. example.. when a child is reaching to touch something that they should not--- when the child is told "NO" and they touch the item anyway--- immediate discipline to their 'wrong' choice will give the 'correct' message to the child. I am a very small woman, my son is 6'1" 190 lbs, he now jokes to his fratarnity friends that --"My Mom could jerk her belt off and address my rear end faster than Dale Earnhart could change gears" -- Loving parents who give consistent directives to their children from the beginning help to eliminate the 'grey' area of understanding for their children.

Since most people don't know they are being mocking or condescending, I find silence works amazingly well. I tell my daughter what the unacceptable behavior is, or that she can't have something, then I don't say any more - she can try to cajole, try to have a hissy fit, I don't justify anything to her. If she continues to be disruptive I remove her from wherever the situation is occurring and put her in a quieter place until she calms down. Might I also add, this was a behavior I learned from the Supernanny book, and it took a little while to master it because we ALL want to comfort our kids and not be hard on them, but we the parents have to learn to man up and help our kids to live in the real world! It also works for bed time - put the child in bed, read a story, then it's lights out and no matter what you just keep putting the child back in bed, no arguing with them, no justifying. Eventually your child, unless they do have some other undiagnosed condition you don't realize about yet, will give in and learn what the correct behavior is. I also find that when my daughter gets up in the morning it helps to praise her for going to bed like a good little girl, or praise her good behavior after a trip to the mall (where she used to just drive me nuts by running away and being a lunatic). Whatever you do, do NOT justify, cajole, reason with your child - they will wheedle their way into doing whatever they like again almost immediately that way!

It's not mocking, it's called reflective listening and every parenting expert and child psychologist on the planet recommends it. You don't say it with a condescending tone, you just state it in a very matter-of-fact way and it actually does help diffuse the tantrums. Often children become more upset and tantrum because they don't have the vocabulary to express their emotions and they fell like they aren't being heard or understood. saying, "You feel angry! I know you really wanted those cookies." tells them they are understood and very often that will help them calm down.

I walked away from my child throwing a tantrum in the mall to where I could still see him and another person interfered, because it went on for over 10 minutes. And a man who walked by said "we raised our children, we don't want to hear yours. Keep him at home." We were unwelcome in many places. Calmly walking away like some suggest didn't stop the tantrums, it only brought on public condemnation.

HOW ABOUT YOU BUST HIS LITTLE AS@! NIP THIS IN THE BUD NOW BEFORE HE IS OLDER. LET HIM KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! OH AND IF 68% OF THE VOTERS DISCIPLINE THEIR KIDS WHY ARE TODAYS KIDS SO BAD??????

@Steph: You (and the psycho-babble peddlers) can call it "reflective listening" or whatever pseudo-science label you choose. It's still crap. You may not be born knowing what words describe your emotions, but you don't need someone else to tell you that you're not happy. Knowing that your particular community uses the word "angry" to describe how you're feeling is not helpful. It's irritating. If you absolutely, positively must follow some of the so-called expert advice being peddled by people who make their living writing books because they have no real skills or verifiable expertise, how about just saying something like, "You can be angry if you like. I said no and that's the end of this discussion."

A good smack across the face will knock him out of it.

My eldest had two tantrums.
First One: He got away with it. Told not to do it again.
I armed myself for the second.

Second one.: I/2 gallon of cold water from the fridge. When he started, and I asked him to stop. Then I made him clean it up.

My Second child went through the same series.

Children 3 & 4 never had tantrums. Guess the oldest ones told them about the water and they just did not do it.

Ok I didnt seem to make myself clear as far as spanking. do I believe in spanking? hell yes. am I going to spank my child for something simple as a tantrum over a cookie? Hell no. now I will let her get it out, let her know and give her words as to how she is feeling, and tell her that is NOT acceptable behavoir. As far as spanking that is reserved for when they do something that will get them hurt or killed. Like going for the hot stove after I told them not to, or running out into a busy parking lot or street. to get their attention and to know that I mean business. I would rather give a firm spanking than they get hit by a car, or have a hot pot of food fall on them. as far as slapping a child in the face. you should be a shamed, that is out right abuse there, and if I was to see you do something like that. first I would go to jail for kicking your ass up and down the store isles. second I would have dhs all over your ass for the rest of your life.

COOP - You worded my very feelings ...its like you read my mind or was there when my now 26yr old tried to pull that on me or when her 2yrold tried the same 23yrs later. After about five min trashing on the floor of a supermarket while strangers either made nasty comments on how i was a bad parent i or applauded by others they stopped the trantuam mid scream and went about like nothing happened....you see they smell fear

TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. my grandson tried the same thing we stuck to our guns and said no and walked away the tantrums have subsided. We also explain to him when he is calm that throwing a fit gets you nothing. stay away from the toy isle it will save you alot of headaches.

The path to the mind is through the behind. The parent need to take control of the little montster before society does.

A good spanking works.

I have 5 children ranging in ages from 28 to 14. Because of this I have seen mean changes in society and what is expected from these kids.
Personally, I saw the difference when you were allowed to spank your kids to when everyone said that the kids could call the police if you spanked them.
Let me first say, you are allowed to spank your kids as long as you don't leave marks. When you leave marks it is considered beating your children, so discipline is allowed.
Second, when I didn't know this I tried the logic only method on my two younger children. It doesn't work! That's how I found out about the spanking rule. I asked a police officer.
Before I was allowed to implement the spanking rule again, my kids were hard to handle because they knew where the cut off point was and that there would be no real repercussions, except for some things taken away, a talking too, or a time out. Since the time I was able to use it again, there ended up being less incidence of tantrums. They knew that they would get a spanking as the end outcome of their tantrum, which hurt. Because of this we have only had to spank them a total of 4 times and they are more polite because of it.
There comes a point as a parent where you need to ask yourself, is it all right for my child to act up and be disrespectful, and can I live with the consequences that come from allowing them to get out of hand? Will they be the kids that harm others because there were never any boundaries set for them, or will they be the kids who respect others and work well in public settings? At the end of the day only you will know the real answer to this and if you can live with the outcome!