My Grandson's Meltdowns Are Wearing Us Out!

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT (Subscribe to Susan Stiffelman, MFT's posts)
Jan 3rd 2011 3:00PM

Filed under: Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers

Dear AdviceMama,

My daughter has two boys, ages 6 and 4, who are sweet but quarrelsome, especially the 4-year-old. He has a strong personality and throws terrible tantrums in public and at home when he does not get what he wants. His mom seems to have tried everything, but nothing works. Please advise.

Signed,
Frustrated Grandma

Dear Frustrated,

In truth, kids develop resilience by repeatedly living through the frustrating experience of not getting what they want. But it's not easy to endure a child's displeasure, especially with children who have strong or explosive personalities.

Parents who tremble at the prospect of their youngster becoming upset end up resorting to reasoning -- or giving in -- to escape the temper tantrum drama. As your daughter has discovered, "trying everything" to stop a child's meltdowns sometimes just makes them worse. Here's my advice:

• First, find out if your daughter wants your input! As sweet as it is that you want to help, make sure that you don't come across as meddling or judgmental, and that she is genuinely open to your advice.

• Focus on avoiding tantrums by recognizing when your grandson is tired, hungry or over-stimulated. Meltdowns often happen as a result of children being pushed beyond their physical or emotional limit. Recognize when your grandson has reached the end of his rope and don't take him on one more errand, or make him stay at the table until everyone has finished their meal, if he's on the verge of falling apart.

• During a tantrum, stay nearby, but do not try to explain why he can't have what he wants. The biggest mistake most parents make during temper tantrums is that they try to reason with a child who is temporarily "out of his mind." I don't mean that literally, or course, but when a child is emotionally wound up, he is incapable of processing logic and rational thought.

• Use what I call "Act I Parenting," which diffuses the "storm" of a child's upset by allowing him to feel heard and understood. "You're so mad! You really wanted those cookies!" Give words to his feelings, without following up with Act II explanations, like, "... but you can't eat the cookies because they'll spoil your dinner." Simply acknowledge his upset, without explaining why he can't have what he wants.

Disappointment is a fact of life; no parent can ensure that their child is never unhappy. Support your daughter in using these ideas, and offer her your empathy and understanding -- rather than blame and shame -- as she deals with her challenging son, and things should calm down.

Watch my video for even more tips on how to handle meltdowns.

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

ReaderComments (Page 4 of 22)

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1-18-2011 @ 6:20AM

Tuesday said...

If this brat throws tantrums it's because it has gotten him what he wanted in the past. This behavior is firmly entrenched now. Maybe a good old fashioned spanking is in order.

1-18-2011 @ 6:57AM

Helen said...

I have definitely been there. When my daughter was younger and had just started on table food her whole life changed. She would have complete melt downs and there wasn't anything I could do except to wait it out. It wasn't until she started Kindergarten that I found out she was "allergic" to red dyes. I did my research, removed it from her diet for one week (she was very improved) and then gave her something with red dye in it and she had a trantrum. As a Kindergartener she would tell people she didn't want red dye because it "made her head feel funny". As she has gotten older she can control her moods but she develops acne and excema when she eats it. It is in everything it seems...medicine, cheese, yogurt, toothpaste, even white icing. Red 40 is awful and Red 40 Lake is much worse.

1-18-2011 @ 6:29AM

David H. said...

After ruling out long-term psychological/pyschiatric issues, many parents seem to have better success by being extremely consistent about the consequences of wild misbehavior whether at home or in public. My cousin and her husband, like many other parents of their generation, do not use corporal punishment but, instead, use a "naughty step" where they bring the child to cool off for a few minutes until he or she is ready to come to the parent, apologize and get praise and a hug for saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you". It's tough to watch at first because the child usually gets up and needs to be led back several times, at least at first. My cousin's four year old is now a pro at this. She's a good little girl most of the time but gets overwhelmed (some adults could use a naughty step as well; most are in Congress) or is more tired or hungry than the parents realize. I suppose if you live on one level, you can get a naughty chair but for some reason that doesn't sound so appealing since you have a semi-permanent piece of furniture in your house that is associated with punishment even when the child is behaving perfectly. I think my own parents lucked out with me and my sister. I doubt it had anything to do with generational differences but I could be wrong. I can count on one hand the number of times I recall being spanked and I'm sure my sister would say the same but for us, I think what helped us was being taken almost everywhere our parents went and for whatever reason, the expectation of good behavior sort of sunk in. Recently, I was in a restaurant and a kid of about 5 dropped the f-bomb (the parents probably need to rethink their own vocabulary or their babysitters' choice of language when they think they are out of the kid's hearing range). The father looked at the kid, winced, covered his ears and said "ouch, that word hurts my ears; we don't say that word", took him away from the table and stuck him on step at the restaurant for a couple of minutes. Apologies came and the kid returned and was well behaved. Miracle? Maybe. Worth a try? Definitely.

Darin said...

Fire these so called "Parent Experts". It boils down to authority and if you child throws tantrums at home or in public then you need to take matters into your own hands literally. A good spanking has always worked in the past but most parents today are pathetic and try to reason with their disorderly child. Spare the Rod, spoil the child comes to mind. It doesn't mean that you need to beat the kid intensely but a few good smacks on the old bottom has worked wonders for centuries.

1-18-2011 @ 6:53AM

RP said...

The thing about it nowadays though,if you even raise your voice to a child in public someone pops out a cell phone and calls 911. They don't want your child throwing a tantrum,but they don't want you to discipline them either. This is why kids have gotten as bad as they are,and you see it constantly if you spend any amount of time in the store.
Yes,there are kids with genuine disorders,but I also know of 2 seperate cases (one my nephew) where the children were diagnosed as autistic and they were not. In both of those cases poor diet was to blame. The mothers were poking candy bars down the kids and then couldn't understand why they were so hyper.

1-18-2011 @ 6:30AM

craig said...

I believe that a lot of the problems with kids today is the Liberal Parents.... God forbid that some parents seem to think that a child has rights and you can't yell at them , you can't gently smack their bottoms , you can't do anything anymore ! now you have to treat a child like he is an adult !!! you have to reason with them !!!
BS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is what it is , let them have their way every time and you end up with a big problem on your hands and then you put the blame on some one else , I am a contractor and i am in a lot of homes where the kids control the parents , it is actually embarrassing to see a grown adult brought to their knees by a 6 year old throw out the liberal psych and get back to old time parenting !!

1-18-2011 @ 6:49AM

bgs said...

Agree Craig! I see bad behavior among kids every day. I think there is more bad parenting than bad kids! I had three children and they did not act up in public. If they started, I took them to the bathroom or the car until they settled down. I did not want to disturb the people around us. Parents today just ignore their kids and let them act up with no regards to the people around them. All of these new parents who think they need to let their children "express" themselves are going to be in for a rude awakening when their children get old enough to really express themselves. STOP being your child's friend and start parenting!

1-18-2011 @ 7:51AM

maxiesmom067 said...

I'll take your statement one step further. Somewhere back in the early 70's the Big Brother types in our government over-stepped their boundary and insinuated themselves into the American family. The ability to effectively "parent" was removed. Being sent to bed without dessert was considered abusive. There would be no punishments and absolutely no spankings or CPS would take your kids away. Hateful neighbors or ex-friends could make your life a living Hell with a single bogus ANONYMOUS phone call to "The Hot Line". Parents quickly became paper tigers, teachers became peers, police officers became pigs and church was for geezers. Authority became little more than an inconvenience. Hence, with a healthy dose of government interference, we've managed to raise almost an entire generation of over-indulged, spoiled, self-important, name calling know-it-alls whose emotional growth seemingly stopped at age 10. Our government's zeal to prevent a relatively few cases of extreme child abuse CREATED the liberal. I see no good future to this, do you?

1-18-2011 @ 8:20AM

Amala said...

Liberal doesn't have anything to do with it. I'm so far to the left that I'm a liberal progressive and never had a "problem" with my son because I disciplined early on. We got our 1st public compliment on his behavior when he was 6 months old, old enough to hold a spoon, which we had dipped into some goodie at the table. It kept him content until we finished our meal.

At his first tantrum, I grabbed his arm firmly, gave him an attention-getting pat on his bottom and then pulled him eye-to-eye with me and told him "no". After a short while, saying "no" was all he needed. By the time he was three yrs old, we could take him in any restaurant, anywhere and he acted accordingly. A spank on the derriere and a direct response from the parent early on is the solution, then practice positive reinforcement when the child gives you the desired behavior. People, it ain't rocket science ...

1-18-2011 @ 6:31AM

David said...

Seriously? Being bad is not a disorder. It is from bad parenting. 99% of those disorders of the mind are just straight nonsense. By giving them and yourself and excuse as to why it isn't yours or their fault for how they act you are empowering them to continue to act the way they do. I think the correct medicine in most cases is to man up and accept responsibility for your bad parenting.

1-18-2011 @ 6:33AM

american said...

Highly agree with coop!! Disipline starts at home and i thank my mother for everyone of them because it made me a better person..ofcourse that wasn't the case then..but learned after having my kids..If you take responibilty for your kids .they don't grow up to be a problem for schools or society..Remember the old saying SPARE THE ROD SPOIL THE CHILD..

I feel thats the case in a lot of situations like the Arizona shootings..oklahma city etc..

I do know of a couple that had a troubled boy that they wouldn't disipline..Quote " i don't want to break his spirit" They didn't!!.. he stole several cars and is in prison after shooting a cop

1-18-2011 @ 7:04AM

Ann said...

Check out any prison the USA. You'll find that 99.9% of the inmates have been spanked as a child. Kinda blows your theory.

1-18-2011 @ 7:32AM

No Anne...they were probably BEATEN..Thers a big diff..and WE are all paying in the long run..

1-18-2011 @ 7:48AM

simple said...

Um, Ann? Where did you get your facts? There could be plenty of inmates in prison because they weren't spanked as a chaild, or at least not properly disciplined. 99.9% is a very strong number, that usually shows lack of any real research.

1-18-2011 @ 6:38AM

Drew said...

I would encourage you to look into chiropractic adjustments for your grandchild. These help tremendously with these kinds of symptoms, which usually result from trauma to the spinal column. If your grandchild had a difficult birth - if forecepts or suction were used - or some other kind of trauma, such as a fall or accident, then there has been some damage to the spinal cord and nervous system.

It has been proven in many studies that the symptoms your grandchild is exhibiting can be improved dramatically even cured completely by adjustments that freethe nervous system to function properly. Just google 'chiropractic adjustments improve behavior of children' and read the testimonials.

1-18-2011 @ 6:42AM

VimalaNowlis said...

The first mistake is not to recognize that the 4 years old boy is NOT sweet but a nightmare. By pretending he is sweet and treat him likewise is only encourage him to be a terrorist. There is no "reasoning" with a child who cannot reason. You might as well reasoning with a dog who had not been housebroken. You don't have a little boy, you have a wild animal. Acknolledging a wild beast's feelings is not going to stop the bear's rampage. The way to treat such a terror is to ignore him. Count to 3 and walk away. Never back down. Let him have his fit. He's not going to die. If you let him continue, he will just grow up to be an armed robber when he want something and murderer when he doesn't get his way.

1-18-2011 @ 7:06AM

jacqueline Thomas said...

take him outside and beat his ass. That is what is wrong with children today, you can hit them
Whole generations of kids grew up with a healthy fear of their parents and kids today don't. Thats why kids are the way they are, they need their asses beat

1-18-2011 @ 8:11AM

LOL ... that is so true. Parents today need a Nanny show to teach them how to discipline. Whup that azz! ROTFLMAO

1-18-2011 @ 6:47AM

Marie said...

My kids each went through a small, very small, tantrum phase. My handling of it was quite different. If we were at home, I'd ignore it. I would also send them to thier rooms if I was able to catch the tantrum 'before' it started. They could throw any tantrum they wanted, without punsihment, in their rooms so long as they cleaned up any mess they made when it was over. Usually sending them to the room letting them know they could come out when they felt more in control (worded differently so a child could understand) stopped the tantrum entirely. It gave them a safe, quiet place to regroup before the explosion.

My kids learned quickly the tantrums didn't get them their way, and they didn't get extra attention from them. The tantrums stopped. If we were in public I would pick the child up and we'd go to the car to wait it out. Again, they found out no extra attention, and no getting what they wanted.

My children didn't have any of the disorders that magnify and make tantrums worse, mind you, so this method worked for them. If a parent suspects their child has a problem, follow through with their doctors to have the correct testing is done. Otherwise, don't give in to the tantrum. Don't feed it with attention or giving in to their 'demands'. Tantrums are a natural part of the growing process in most children, I don't know any child that hasn't had at LEAST one or more, so just deal with it and move on.

Renee Waring said...

With three young ones very close in age I too had this problem. I handled it this way. When in the car, pull over in a safe place and leave the car. Sit a few feet away and tell them your not getting back in the car until they settle down. Works. If your in a mall, walk away, but within sight of them. When they see their not getting the attention they want, they get up and follow you. You never should explain yourself, tell them how it is, and defuse your self from the situation. Once they see that their not getting the result they want the tantrums will stop.

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