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I Don't Like Babies
I don't do babies well.
I'm not sure why. I love my children. I dare you to even question that. Double dog dare you. But the baby part? Not so much. If I could have someone deliver more of my progeny to me only once they are able to talk and sleep through the night, I'd have eleventeen more kids.
I think it may have something to do with my need to control things. If there's one thing you can't control, it's a baby. When they say the only things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes, they should add that you can also be 100 percent sure that you can't make a baby do anything. Not nap. Not sleep through the night. Not eat baby food. NOT if they don't want to.
In fact, I found my babies were likely to do the opposite of whatever I wanted them to do. I didn't want my son to have a pacifier, so he was obsessed with it. I wanted my daughter to take a passie once in a while, so of course she always spit it out. Is it me? Do I send out baby radar that says "Don't trust me. Whatever I say, don't do it?"
I also didn't much like the baby "stuff." Like umbilical cords falling off and diaper blowouts and tub poops and spit up. Macabre. Not a fan.
There's also the issue of communication, or lack thereof. If there's ever a problem, I like talking things out. I find that babies don't use words. They use crying, and I don't speak crying very well. Yes, I eventually learned that certain cries meant it was time for a diaper change or a scenery change, but there were some cries that I never learned to understand. There were also those I did understand but couldn't do very much about, which left me feeling helpless. The cries of my first-born during his colic often meant "There's actually nothing you can do to help me other than walk me around incessantly and feel immeasurably guilty that you can't fix this." Check.
I envy the women who enjoy the first year of motherhood. While I think little babies are adorable, and I love the way they smell and how they look when they're sleeping, I never felt purely at ease during that period. The combination of lack of control and difficult communication left me spinning in a vortex of helplessness. I felt like an impostor ... like you do when going to a bar when you're 18 with someone else's ID. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting someone to figure out at any minute that I had no business being there.
I can't believe they left me in charge of these people. I have no training. I don't speak crying. This can only turn out badly. AUGGGGHHHHH!
I say all of this only to contrast it with the fact that I'm having such a great time being a parent now. My 4- and 9-year-old children are great communicators. We talk. We smooch. We hug. We laugh at each other's jokes. We use words. They tell me when I'm blowing it. I tell them when they could be doing better. Also? They have to do what I say, and they can't pretend they don't understand me! I don't feel like I'm going to break them. I know how many ounces of milk they're getting, and I don't need to check the consistency of every bowel movement, if you know what I'm saying.
I love the interaction between us, as well as the feeling that I have the tools I need to be able to figure out how to help them and support them. Perhaps my mom card doesn't need to be revoked after all. While I don't have full control over their every move, nor should I, I no longer feel like I'm in the vortex of hell. More like a fairly mild roller coast that only makes me queasy every so often.
This is awesome.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 6)
1-09-2011 @ 5:22AM
Meme said...Morgan{the818} is soo right! One of my daughters never bonded with her son when he was born. She was a young mom, the baby's father 'bolted' so I was there for the birth. I bonded with my grandson right away, but having 8 children that helped. Still, I raised my grandson while my daughter lived her life for 2.5 years.After losing her job a few months back my daughter moved back home and since being back, she has become a loving, attentive mom. Jon knew mom because she did visit, but he is loving it all so much now and my daughter is as well. I always had that 'automatic bonding' with all of my children, including a stillborn son. I have 2 other daughters who are moms, and married, and are fantasitc moms and now I believe my younger daughter has finally gotten there as well. I've heard of others who had hard times with infants, where I thrived with them and each stage, although I do have a rough time with the "I'm 18 now and can do what I want" whcih I am going through for the 5th time. Five tiimes because it's ALWAYS been my daughters. My 2 adult sons were sooo easy as teens! My last child at home is 12 and a boy. Here's to hoping that this newest 18 yr old girl thing going on is the last time I have to worry, cry, and worry some more.
1-05-2011 @ 8:54PM
Debbie said...I'm coming from an entirely different perspective now that my only son is 25 and has a "girlfriend". Unfortunately my mother never gave me the "nuture" gene, so I thought I would be an awful mother. It took me about 4 months to "bond", but over the years I took the time to not only talk to my son, but to respect him. He has grown into a fine young man and I am extremely proud. I'm beginning to find true the saying "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life", a son is a son until he takes a wife and/or girlfriend LOL! So as your lovely, beautiful children grow, the problems just get "different" (not easier!)
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1-09-2011 @ 5:33AM
meme said...Debbie - looked that up since I like it and it is opposite with me! "A son is a son 'till he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life. Yep totally opposite here! My 2 adult sons and my 12 yr old son is on the same path, are so protective of me, spoil me rotten, all around great guys. Daughters are so very special too, I have 5, but it is my sons who are loyal, who call me more, who visit more, just spoil me taking me out for dinners and such. Not a bad thing as I have read a lot that a son who's a "momma's boy" makes the best husbands. Havng been married twice - once to a momma's boy, once to a guy who's mom was his 'enemy' and the 'momma's boy" treated me best. Sadly alcohol changed that but anyway, cherish your son always. You say that you talk well and all so hopefully, he'll be sooo good to you as mine are! My oldest is in the Military and is deploying this week so if you all would say a prayer I'd appreciate that! BTW - We're having a 'mom and son only day out' the day before he leaves - HIS idea. I 'm thrilled..yet sad he is leaving - third time.
1-05-2011 @ 8:54PM
Anne said...I have just always been amazed (and thankful) that every single year has been better than the last. Baby days were OK, but then there came 1 and it was a blast. Couldn't believe it when 2 was even better. And it just keeps on. My oldest is now 24 and still it improves. So hang in there. And don't let the teen years turn into some big battle because teens have lots of fun to offer, too.
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1-05-2011 @ 9:13PM
Katherine Stone said...I feel the same way Anne, though I will say the forthcoming teen years make me a little nervous. I'm trying to prepare myself in advance so that I can be a calm, collected and supportive parent during that time! ;-)
1-05-2011 @ 9:19PM
LESLI said...Its sad that you even felt you needed to write this. The fact of the matter is that every parent has their "stride" years. I adored being pregnant, and babies were okay for me but I was disorganized and they weren't all that interesting to me. Toddler years were not good, being mobile was a challenge to my parenting that I dreaded! School age was starting to get better. But I've always felt I was born to be the mom of teenagers. All my older mom friends laughed and said wait and see, but so far so good. My son is now almost 16 and my daughter is almost 12 and I am loving it! I enjoy having conversations with them like I would anybody else about the news or even the weather. Some people just respond better to different age groups. It doesn't make a person less of a parent to not be overly enamored of babies.
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1-06-2011 @ 2:35AM
Alicia said...That's what my mom was like. I know she always loved me, but she didn't like me until I was 9 or 10 and could begin to hold a real conversation. Now, at 20, she's not only a supportive mother, but a wonderful friend.
1-06-2011 @ 5:49AM
Jackie said...Sounds like another great mom! I wish, I wish it was the other way around with my own mother, who was unbelievable with babies and toddlers, hers and any others, but she felt a disconnect with preteens and teens. I so much needed a mom to communicate with, especially during the awkward stages. If was as if, when the hormones kicked in, a training bra was needed, and hair sprouted up, it was some sign I didn't need love and cuddling and physical connection, and attention. In fact, I needed it MORE because I was an emotional, complex older human being and not a less-aware infant. This is why parent who adopt toddlers can raise great kids, because you HAVE to be good at it, not just good at cuddling babies.
1-05-2011 @ 9:35PM
LESLI said...And can I just say that if any of you "Fear" the teenage years. Do what we are doing and skip them.
My husband and I are committed to raising "young adults" not teenagers. Set the expectations clearly and expect them to meet them. Teens as we fear them, are a product of our own belief that that is what they should be like. Moody, argumentative, and rebellious. We dont' get upset by the behavior because its "normal". No, its not normal. Before 1950, that wasn't the case. Make them be responsible by enpowering them. If they forget their lunch, don't run it up to the school, allow them to feel the consequences. If they break something (even if its yours) make them earn money to pay for it. Its a matter of parental attitude allowing them to make mistakes, and trusting that they will learn from them.
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1-05-2011 @ 9:47PM
Dona said...Thanks for the personal take on babies. I had one and found that I do not like babies. I love my son as you love your children, but the first year all he did was pee, puke, and poop. And all the women waxing poetic about the smell, all I can say is ewww. He painted with poo, he spewed puke like the girl from the exorcist, drenching me is grossness. Whenever I changed a diaper the faucet would start as soon as the diaper was removed, spraying the room and everyone in it. He couldn't tell me what he wanted, and I was frustrated and scared to death. When he started talking around three we bonded pretty well and while I was not into playing with toys, we enjoyed swimming, walking, and searching for critters like lizards and frogs. I still have no affinity for babies. Women will pass around the new infant at the office as though it were a special gift. I pass. It does not make me a monster or a bad mom, just a person who really doesn't like the mess of infancy. Thank you for the insight into it most likely being a loss of control issue. That fits me well. I was the kid in school who hung out with the "bad" crowd but said no to pot and alcohol because I don't like being out of control. I take risks but they are controled risks, where I know the possible outcomes. Infants??? There is NO control. Kudos on a great insight. And shame on all you women who are so ready to condemn those who feel differently than you do. You show your ignorance with your statements of intolerance.
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1-05-2011 @ 9:54PM
Leah Jones said...I could have written this!!! My first daughter is almost four and though she can be challenging at least we can use words to communicate. My second daughter is almost three months old and I love her to bits but she is so confusing! Babies in general are confusing to me. Thank you for writing this, you've put into words exactly how I feel but always have a hard time explaining to people. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
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1-05-2011 @ 9:51PM
DD said...While I can see a little of where the author is coming from, I would have given my right leg to have been able to experience just a fraction of that. Being infertile sucks the big one! I have adopted children, all of whom i got when they were well over the age of one so i didnt get to experience any of that. Dont get me wrong, I love my children with all my heart and would not give them back for the world, but anyone not having been through what my husband and I have been through wouldnt understand that yes while it sucks, and (GASP) are you crazy lady??, i would have loved to have been spit up on, did the whole baby food thing, the stretch marks....all of it. Just once.
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1-06-2011 @ 9:50AM
Mrs. X said...I could have written this. Unfortunately, I'm still in the baby phase
waiting for the day when little one can communicate beyond a grunt.
Of course, I have been told by many that once they can talk, all you
will wish is that they would shut up, but simply being able to ask
what is the problem would be such a huge step forward.
1-06-2011 @ 9:54AM
Mrs. X said...Wrong reply comment, sorry!
I really do know exactly how you feel. It took me and my husband 5
years, 3 IVFs and two miscarriages to have our son.
So, imagine the overwhelming guilt that I felt after my son was born
when I realized that I was not a baby person. Cue the postpartum
depression. I finally accepted that I could be both grateful for my
baby and that I was able to experience something that I tried for so
long and also not be particularly crazy about one or more of the
phases.
1-06-2011 @ 4:41PM
Katherine Stone said...DD,
I have never been in your shoes and I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing your perspective, which is important here.
-- Katherine
1-05-2011 @ 9:53PM
Chief said...That's an eye opener; you don't like babies. I thought everyone loved babies. They are so sweet and innocent. Then - they start to crawl, next thing you know they are walking, then talking (back), and lying about just about everything. I love babies; not so much the same for kids.
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1-05-2011 @ 10:06PM
Pat De Range said...I understand this mother, the baby stage is less than happy time, sure their cute but boy those night time feedings and diaper changes, the throw up and spit up, the constant sreaming (if their collic like my daughter was) and the bath time scared me..their SO slippery. I would have rather my children came to me about 9 mos. old, that's when you can start to enjoy the baby.
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1-05-2011 @ 10:11PM
Pat Bachi said...Hated it! Hated it! Ugh! The baby years. I love my kids to death, but those years were so miserable for me. I know there were wonderful times, but they are hidden in a blur of sleepless, crying, misery. I too felt like the only women on the planet that didn't LOVE it. My husband thought I sure was the only one. Only my mother told me the truth, she was like, "This is hell. Any woman that says it isn't is LYING!" I believe that to this day. We are all afriad to say, "God, this bites!!" : ) I loved when they were sleeping and till this day if a baby cries near me, my blood pressure sky rockets. I just want that noise to stop, not in a mean way, I just want to rock the baby or cajole it somehow...pacify it and make it feel better and thus stop that stressful sound. I feel such empathy for new moms. I always try to be truthful to them and let them know it's ok to say this part of it all sucks, sucks, sucks!!! I had two colicky babies that didn't sleep through the night consistently for 10 MONTHS. It was soooo exhausting. I would have fed them liquid gold if it would have set well with their stomachs. I nursed them, I gave them predigested formula that cost $2 a can. I tried every trick known to man to get them settled and asleep...only to have their little eyes pop open at the slightest sound. Those days were so hard. God bless new mommies. It is R-O-U-G-H! They sure are beautfiul when they are sleeping, though!
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1-05-2011 @ 10:37PM
sondbr said...The period of my children's/grandchildren's lives I liked least was from the time they started getting around crawling, then walking till they were about 3. It is a very stressful time watching them every minute because they get into everything and have no fear. There is an accident around every corner. I enjoyed their infant years very much and elementary school age the most. All through a child's life they are in and out of phases, some good, some not so good. Most mothers aren't honest that there are parts of motherhood that they don't like or feel uncomfortable with.
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1-05-2011 @ 10:39PM
Risa said...I know exactly what you mean and I'm a clinical child psychologist. I just sort of went through the motions the first few months with a newborn. Yeah, I would have easily jumped in front of a train for him, but it was really a lot more like intellectually getting through the day. I eventually bonded with him and have had an extraordinary relationship with my son since he was about 18 months. But I wouldn't say the initial few months were fun. We decided to adopt our next child for multiple reasons, but one of which was because I did NOT want another newborn. My daughter came to us at 9 months, which was still a bit earlier than I had anticipated and wanted. Naturally, we welcomed her with opened arms and love her dearly. But, like you, if they could arrive at 2.5 years old or so, that would work for me just fine.
BTW - one of the worst problems was the fear of falling down the stairs while holding the baby and crushing them! So glad there are fewer stairs in our house now and my "baby" is 7!!
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