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I Don't Like Babies
I don't do babies well.
I'm not sure why. I love my children. I dare you to even question that. Double dog dare you. But the baby part? Not so much. If I could have someone deliver more of my progeny to me only once they are able to talk and sleep through the night, I'd have eleventeen more kids.
I think it may have something to do with my need to control things. If there's one thing you can't control, it's a baby. When they say the only things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes, they should add that you can also be 100 percent sure that you can't make a baby do anything. Not nap. Not sleep through the night. Not eat baby food. NOT if they don't want to.
In fact, I found my babies were likely to do the opposite of whatever I wanted them to do. I didn't want my son to have a pacifier, so he was obsessed with it. I wanted my daughter to take a passie once in a while, so of course she always spit it out. Is it me? Do I send out baby radar that says "Don't trust me. Whatever I say, don't do it?"
I also didn't much like the baby "stuff." Like umbilical cords falling off and diaper blowouts and tub poops and spit up. Macabre. Not a fan.
There's also the issue of communication, or lack thereof. If there's ever a problem, I like talking things out. I find that babies don't use words. They use crying, and I don't speak crying very well. Yes, I eventually learned that certain cries meant it was time for a diaper change or a scenery change, but there were some cries that I never learned to understand. There were also those I did understand but couldn't do very much about, which left me feeling helpless. The cries of my first-born during his colic often meant "There's actually nothing you can do to help me other than walk me around incessantly and feel immeasurably guilty that you can't fix this." Check.
I envy the women who enjoy the first year of motherhood. While I think little babies are adorable, and I love the way they smell and how they look when they're sleeping, I never felt purely at ease during that period. The combination of lack of control and difficult communication left me spinning in a vortex of helplessness. I felt like an impostor ... like you do when going to a bar when you're 18 with someone else's ID. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting someone to figure out at any minute that I had no business being there.
I can't believe they left me in charge of these people. I have no training. I don't speak crying. This can only turn out badly. AUGGGGHHHHH!
I say all of this only to contrast it with the fact that I'm having such a great time being a parent now. My 4- and 9-year-old children are great communicators. We talk. We smooch. We hug. We laugh at each other's jokes. We use words. They tell me when I'm blowing it. I tell them when they could be doing better. Also? They have to do what I say, and they can't pretend they don't understand me! I don't feel like I'm going to break them. I know how many ounces of milk they're getting, and I don't need to check the consistency of every bowel movement, if you know what I'm saying.
I love the interaction between us, as well as the feeling that I have the tools I need to be able to figure out how to help them and support them. Perhaps my mom card doesn't need to be revoked after all. While I don't have full control over their every move, nor should I, I no longer feel like I'm in the vortex of hell. More like a fairly mild roller coast that only makes me queasy every so often.
This is awesome.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 6)
1-06-2011 @ 12:16AM
Carol said...Ever since I became a parent myself, I can't get over how many people I've run into who feel this exact same way! I have even felt this way a few time myself! But once the baby time is over, they have all become fantastic parents - soccer moms and dads, great supporters of what their kids are into. My own daughter had medical issues beginning at 3 months and I thought this was how baby-hood was supposed to be! I locked myself in so many hospital bathroom stalls and cried for my youth that was passing by. So many doctors told me not to get too attached since she wasn't going to live past 5 .I am happy to say, she just passed her 30th birthday so if wasn't so bad after all! She is beautiful and healthy, celebrating 6 years happily married! She and her brother are the best kids I could ever hope for!
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1-06-2011 @ 12:22AM
kaysings said...Interesting article. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, don't like babies and had no interest in having kids. When I was 23, I told my MD at the time that I wanted my tubes tied, but he refused, saying that I might "change my mind" as I got older. (That's a load of crap, but I stupidly believed him.)
I didn't change my mind of course, but I decided to have a child anyway; matter of fact, I had two. I had my daughter when I was 37; she is now 25. I had my son when I was 41; he is now 21. I am a very no-nonsense mother, and my kids grew into very interesting, productive adults. I DID NOT enjoy the baby phase one bit, but when I finally decided to have children, I knew I had to have my own rather than adopt. I knew that meant enduring the baby phase.
Incidentally, I also DID NOT enjoy being pregnant either. I do not agree with those who insist that pregnancy is "beautiful". There is nothing "beautiful" about a distended, distorted body and all the physical discomfort involved with carrying a baby and labor and delivery.
That's my nickel's worth...fire away.
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1-06-2011 @ 12:37AM
na said...When, I was pregnant with my first daughter, a co worker, who had a 16 year old....once gave me some very sound advice...
I listened to her, and was so glad I did.
She said, 'enjoy every moment, of your child's development'...she went on to say, " I couldn't wait until my daughter could walk, talk, be independent...fast forward to 16...she admitted she lost a lot, in her childs growing up......her daughter had drug problems...etc....
I had daughter number one, then two years later, daughter number two....
Daughter number one was born on my friends daughters birthday.
Fast forward....daughter number one was in her teens, and my friends daughter (her only child) was in her late 30's.....was sober, doing very well......
She was taken out by a drunk driver....
My friend, no longer has a child.
I have two...I am blessed, that my friend, took the time to give me that advice.....I never missed one moment, and enjoyed every single stage....times two....being a mom, was my most favorite job...
I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with both of my adult daughters....
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1-06-2011 @ 1:24AM
Lynn D. Brown said...That attitude shows alot of selfishness to me. Not liking babies because they aren't predictable and don't fit your "schedule" reeks of self-centeredness. That is part of the charm of a baby. They are somewhat helpless and totally at your mercy. Anyone who doesn't appreciate that would appear to be lacking in basic maternal instinct.
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1-11-2011 @ 11:32AM
abtru said...it's not about being selfish or even being a contol freak. i have four kids, didn't enjoy the infant periods one bit, but since my kids are great and emotionally well rounded i certainly still have some maternial insticts going on somewhere. the reason some people just don't like babies is because we are more intellectual ( not to mean smarter) and others are more emotional. if a person is more intellectual the inability to communicate without words is frustrating, whereas the person who is more emotional tends to be more attuned to the needs and wants of someone as u put it " totally at your mercy". as a side note the thought that anything or one is totally at my mercy sends chills of fear and anxiety through me.
1-06-2011 @ 1:07AM
erinn said...I love love love babies!They are the best, then they become 13 what the hell is up with that number!!! I have four children 19,17,15,and 13 and omg let me tell you if anyone out there with a baby or two if you think you are in hell walk in my shoes for a couple of days.You will very much want to go back home to your baby and hold them,and keep them that way forever!! trust me I love my kids,but not there attitudes,infact I would rather have a day care full of little ones then to have a bunch teens to argue with about realy!!
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1-09-2011 @ 6:01AM
Meme said...erinn -- As they say, been there done that. I have 8 children but I will go by when my oldest was 19 and I didn't have them all yet. At that time though, mine were 19,14,13,12,8,2 and a newborn. I sure remember how hard it was! Best thing to do from my experience is try to talk to them all you can and on their level. It's not always easy, but I seemed to have better luck that way, espcially having the little ones too. If you don't make sure they have chores to learn responsibility, and teach them to cook, clean, iron, do laundry. My kids enjoyed learning though not the chores, but it has been a blessing for them all when they lived on their own. Best of luck and bless your heart during these crazy days. One day when they're grown you really will look back and laugh at it! :)
1-06-2011 @ 1:08AM
Gina said...I loved my babies when they were little. Of course it got easier and easier once they could walk on their own and talk but anyone with kids knows that brings up a whole different set of issues. Now you have to watch what you say and do or it gets repeated to EVERYONE. Nobody wants to hear that Daddy sat on the toilet for a LONG time because he couldn't go poop! I used to wish I could go back in time to when my kids were little and do it all over again but now we have grandchildren and THAT is truly a gift from God! We get the fun of babies but they go home and we get to sleep through the night! It's the best of both worlds.
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1-06-2011 @ 1:44AM
tammy said...who the hell is this person, and who the hell cares about her so called insight? does no one have a thought of their own, make a decision of their own? why are we listening to all these no~names & so called celebrities about everything ?
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1-09-2011 @ 6:20AM
meme said...Tammy -- what is your problem? To start with, if you read the header on the article, it says OPINION. What this lady wrote is her opinion on something that especially moms are interested in. A lot of moms here agree that the infant stage was hard, they didn't like it, and now didn't feel alone. Nothing is worse than feeling bad that you dislike something you so called shouldn't! It's nice that someone else feels the same way, it's a relief for many who posted here. NOTHING says that you have to listen to any advice given. A mom is going to raise her child(ren) her own way anyway and not listen to celebrities or anyone else but perhaps their own moms for advice. You don't have to be so nasty. If it doesn't interest you, why read the article then complain about it?
1-06-2011 @ 2:11AM
zak said...And if a MAN had written this?
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1-06-2011 @ 4:50PM
Katherine Stone said...I think men should feel equally able to be honest about the unique trials and tribulations each of them goes through as a parent.
-- Katherine
1-06-2011 @ 2:18AM
Becca said...I think that a lot of people are shocked with the article, simply because the belief in society is that women are baby machines, and we're supposed to like babies, we have to like babies, that's just the way it is, and it's always been, and if they don't like babies, it's taboo, we are horrible people and something is wrong w/ us. I give the author a lot of credit because she is secure enough with herself saying it's okay to have your own opinion, and feel this way, don't be afraid to express your feelings.
I love babies, minus the crying. I'd rather someone tell me what's wrong rather than me having to figure it out, just my opinion. Some people are baby people, some aren't. I don't see the big deal, no reason to become infuriated because the author and I don't favor the same thing. It is okay to be different. Chocolate and vanilla. To each their own.
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1-06-2011 @ 4:45PM
Katherine Stone said...Thank you Becca. Actually, I feel very secure in myself now but of course not so much at the beginning which was the point of this article. We are all different and while we embrace our children we may not embrace each of the stages they go through with equal aplomb.
-- Katherine
1-06-2011 @ 2:37AM
Christy said...Couldn't have said it better myself. I am pregnant with my second and so not looking forward to the first year. I must add though that I too had a colic baby and can't help but think that's why we missed out on what others enjoy the most. Or maybe I am just a communicator fan myself. Either way thanks for the article.
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1-06-2011 @ 3:55AM
ken said...You know nothing about babies, do you, Katherine?
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1-06-2011 @ 4:12AM
Annedyth said...you know nothing of empathy ken. do you have kids? How much time do you spend with them? Do you allways LIKE them? Do you get annoyed/fed up sometimes?
1-13-2011 @ 12:17AM
sharon said...... and you Ken, know nothing about giving birth or being a mother
1-06-2011 @ 4:10AM
Diana said...I love babies...they are undiluted joy! All you baby haters get a life. They give love unconditionally...dependent on you for every smile. What is there to dislike about that???? Jeezus! Pure love.....that is what we all live and die for.
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1-06-2011 @ 4:16AM
Annedyth said...Undiluted Joy? When their sick and cranky? And babies are no more pure than grownups.The difference? They're a lot less mobile and cant talk as well as adults...BY the way, I got a life .