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I Don't Like Babies
I don't do babies well.
I'm not sure why. I love my children. I dare you to even question that. Double dog dare you. But the baby part? Not so much. If I could have someone deliver more of my progeny to me only once they are able to talk and sleep through the night, I'd have eleventeen more kids.
I think it may have something to do with my need to control things. If there's one thing you can't control, it's a baby. When they say the only things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes, they should add that you can also be 100 percent sure that you can't make a baby do anything. Not nap. Not sleep through the night. Not eat baby food. NOT if they don't want to.
In fact, I found my babies were likely to do the opposite of whatever I wanted them to do. I didn't want my son to have a pacifier, so he was obsessed with it. I wanted my daughter to take a passie once in a while, so of course she always spit it out. Is it me? Do I send out baby radar that says "Don't trust me. Whatever I say, don't do it?"
I also didn't much like the baby "stuff." Like umbilical cords falling off and diaper blowouts and tub poops and spit up. Macabre. Not a fan.
There's also the issue of communication, or lack thereof. If there's ever a problem, I like talking things out. I find that babies don't use words. They use crying, and I don't speak crying very well. Yes, I eventually learned that certain cries meant it was time for a diaper change or a scenery change, but there were some cries that I never learned to understand. There were also those I did understand but couldn't do very much about, which left me feeling helpless. The cries of my first-born during his colic often meant "There's actually nothing you can do to help me other than walk me around incessantly and feel immeasurably guilty that you can't fix this." Check.
I envy the women who enjoy the first year of motherhood. While I think little babies are adorable, and I love the way they smell and how they look when they're sleeping, I never felt purely at ease during that period. The combination of lack of control and difficult communication left me spinning in a vortex of helplessness. I felt like an impostor ... like you do when going to a bar when you're 18 with someone else's ID. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting someone to figure out at any minute that I had no business being there.
I can't believe they left me in charge of these people. I have no training. I don't speak crying. This can only turn out badly. AUGGGGHHHHH!
I say all of this only to contrast it with the fact that I'm having such a great time being a parent now. My 4- and 9-year-old children are great communicators. We talk. We smooch. We hug. We laugh at each other's jokes. We use words. They tell me when I'm blowing it. I tell them when they could be doing better. Also? They have to do what I say, and they can't pretend they don't understand me! I don't feel like I'm going to break them. I know how many ounces of milk they're getting, and I don't need to check the consistency of every bowel movement, if you know what I'm saying.
I love the interaction between us, as well as the feeling that I have the tools I need to be able to figure out how to help them and support them. Perhaps my mom card doesn't need to be revoked after all. While I don't have full control over their every move, nor should I, I no longer feel like I'm in the vortex of hell. More like a fairly mild roller coast that only makes me queasy every so often.
This is awesome.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 6)
1-06-2011 @ 8:42PM
dougalcandy said...A dog will give you the same thing. Minus the screaming.
1-07-2011 @ 12:52AM
Alicia said...Another bonus: Dogs never grow out of unconditional love.
1-06-2011 @ 5:38AM
Jackie said...How many babies did you push out from your uterus, Ken?
Reply
1-06-2011 @ 6:18AM
Jackie said...You know, I've read all the comments, the very supportive, insightful, funny, honest ones and of course the hater ones and ones that say what a woman "should" feel, and I have to tell you, it sounds a lot like other unfortunate conversations we've had about a woman's body. Like sex, for one. We all have orgasms in different ways and have different needs, yet women are still faking them! They think the act of intercouse is enough, because "real" women only need that and it's great every time. Completely untrue. Then wait until you get a hysterectomy. The same snarky conversation waits for you at 40 or 50. Because no matter what you're feeling physically, other women will tell you a hyster is a breeze, and sex is "better" with no uterus or cervix, which of course is an untruth. So in all three of these conversations over our lives (sex, motherhood, hysterectomy), you'd better get with the program or else slink in shame in the dark corners because you're not a real woman. Bull! Don't let them pull the wool over your eyes.
Reply
1-06-2011 @ 9:11AM
Susan said...So it's okay to hate the teenage years, but not the infant phase? Why can't we all just understand that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses as a parent? And being honest with yourself about them makes you a better parents, not a selfish one.
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1-06-2011 @ 4:46PM
Katherine Stone said...Precisely!
1-06-2011 @ 12:54PM
Lida said...Katherine,
thank you! I felt the same way last year, when my twins were born. I don't even remember the first couple of months of their lives due to sheer exhaustion and strain of taking care of two small creatures, who were helpless and dependant on me for everything. It was truly a nightmare: feeding what seems like around the clock, endless diapers, sleepless nights. I felt that I just gave, gave, and gave all the time with getting nothing in return. And I was ashamed of how I felt, this was a very wanted pregnancy, and a difficult one.
Fastforward to a year and a half later, and I'm enjoying them so much!! Both girls are wonderful, curious, loving people, and their personalities shine through. We read, draw, play, go for walks, learn new words. I'm really looking forward to more toddler years. Babyhood I could skip...
And all of you women who call Katherine a babyhater, you COMPLETELY missed the point she was making. Not enjoying babyhood doesn't make you a child neglector, it's just an unpleasant chore. And trust me, there is NOTHING pleasant about puke, sickness and colic, and this is coming from someone who had it times two...
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1-06-2011 @ 4:59PM
Katherine Stone said...Thanks for sharing your story Lida. I wish women could feel more comfortable sharing the places when they feel less than capable or frustrated during the parenting process without judgment.
-- Katherine
1-07-2011 @ 8:38AM
Melissa said...I was first kinda shocked when I read this. I thought "Why did she have more?" Then I realized that I felt the same way which was why I was so shocked. I've never had the guts to admit it. I had one and waited almost 4 years before I had another. There was a reason for it. She had the guts to say what some many of us feel but won't for fear of criticism. Not every woman was meant to be a mom and not every mom is a super mom and not ever mom loved being pregnant. (I know I didn't)
Reply
5-26-2011 @ 3:03PM
Barb said...Excellent article! Your honesty is sorely lacking in conversations between most mothers. Some women just seem to cling to that era of their child's life when they are dependent on them for their every need, & feel pain when their children grow up & "don't need them anymore". In fact, I have heard this from dozens of women as their entire reason for wanting another child. For my part; pregnancy was not the joy that other women had told me it would be, nor was delivery... The first months of babyhood were spent with me poring over every baby manual I could find in an attempt to feel somewhat competent. There was no lack of bonding as a result of these feelings, my son & I are close & always have been. I love watching him gain more independence every day, and can't imagine myself wishing for this bright, capable child to once again be helpless & dependent. One should love their child as a person NOT as a source of "being needed".
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1-06-2011 @ 2:45PM
Geri Dunlap said...Katherine,
I hated babies when I was a baby. I hated little kids when I was a little kid. Six years after I married I had a baby because "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT"! I just wanted to see what I could make. The problem with raising babies is they do not come with a manual. You depend on your Mother, sister, friend who was a recent mom for info. I also had to go with the elusive "MOTHERLY INSTINCTS"! If wild animals can do this, I'm pretty sure I can:) Some of these comments are right on. . .wait until you have a teen. You'll find yourself begging for a baby. . .so much easier!!! By the way, I find myself writing this now that I am looking forward to my very first grandbaby and watching my 30 year old daughter freak out because she "Hates Babies" Life is perfect :) !!
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1-06-2011 @ 8:27PM
Alison said...I couldn't agree more. Babies r cute and I had plenty of moments of sheer bliss but they are demanding and dependent on you for everything and if it's not on their time it's crying till u do it. I remember I'd often be starving, would cook a great meal and without fail as I was about to sit down to eat, the baby would need to eat. So then dinners cold. Cold filet mignon is just sad. Lol
I worried about SIDS way too much also. I had a monitor that had an electronic pad under the mattress that sensed their breathing.
I worried I would hit their heads on doorframe when walking with them cradled in my arm. I stressed over lack
Of sleep. I stressed over spit up and aspirating it. I had a 6 month old who rocked back and forth in his crib and banged his head each rock on purpose. Till he spoke autism was all I thought about.
I had a baby who spit up blood. Had tests of all kind.
Scary stuff. After every vaccine I vaccinated over vacant looks in their eyes or if they had quiet moments.
I think about having more kids but just can't do the baby phase again.
Btw I have 2 biological kids. Boy age 7. Girl age 9. And a foster child we got at 3 days old and adopted. He's now almost 4. And they r all perfectly healthy. After all the scares.
I'm sorry people r attacking u. They don't get it. I lost a baby due to birth defects, so I understand the loss too. But it doesn't change my feelings. Worrying if my baby is breathing is much worse than when my daughter got bullied at age 9.
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1-07-2011 @ 9:27AM
Katherine Stone said...You make an excellent point about worry and anxiety. I suffer from anxiety, and was always so worried about the babies and so worried about being a good mom. Those nerves made it much harder for me to be able to enjoy their infancy.
1-07-2011 @ 6:04PM
Walker Karraa, MFA, MA, CD said...Thank you, Katherine...hearing voices of all women regarding their reproduction is so valuable. We just have to work on the listening part. I hope that healing comes for all of us, as I truly believe from the depths of my heart that women are in need of healing in the forms of being heard when they speak their truth.
Fighting our causes with love for every woman's experience is the only way we will ever regroup, and our daughters, and their daughters will have any ground to stand on.
You are moving us in that direction,
Reply
1-07-2011 @ 6:04PM
Walker Karraa, MFA, MA, CD said...The other thing that is completely uncontrollable, is birth (and death). Trying to pretend birth is all easy, painless, fulfilling, soft and fuzzy is perpetrating myths that suit patriarchy--if we tell each other over and over to be and stay "nurturing"/ what we are decreed by nature to do, we won't get in the way. Honest women throw a kink in the whole thing. Speak your language.
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1-09-2011 @ 3:09PM
Catherine said...I'm sorry, but I cannot understand you people who HATE babies!!! Worse yet, one woman actually said that she finds babies "repulsive and disgusting." Wow. I'm speechless. I have a 6 month old, and I am enjoying EVERY minute of him being a baby!! I also have a 2-year old, and I totally miss him being a baby. The baby years are the best. I can't go anywhere without people telling me what beautiful babies I have. I've never met a mother who didn't feel the same way about her children. What weird people you are.
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1-09-2011 @ 11:59AM
mIKE said...without reading all your babble, self-centered bitch leaps to mind...
How did I do? Right on the nose huh....
Reply
1-10-2011 @ 3:05PM
Alicia said...Come back when you have a uterus.
1-10-2011 @ 11:45AM
Blissss said...I can really identify with the feelings this writer expressed. I never found the infant stage to be particularly enjoyable or rewarding. As the mother of three (ages 22, 19, and 15), I've found more enjoyment in the relationship I have with my offspring the older they get...the teen years too!
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1-21-2011 @ 4:06PM
Mandy said...THANK YOU for writing this article!! I mean it, thank you. I cannot tell you how often I feel like a bad mother because of the same things that you talked about. I have a 16 month old son and a baby on the way. I dream of the days when my son can tell me what he wants instead of crying until I figure it out. Glad to know that I am not alone in this!
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