Is Amy Chua's Chinese Parenting Strategy Good for America?

I keep wondering whether the strong reactions by Americans to her premise are an attempt to defend our own success, or our own failures. Hearing a response from someone like you who has a more personal experience with the "Chinese way" is really enlightening.

I admire such a thoughtful response to an article that must dredge up a lot of not-so-great memories.

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I wondered if you had seen this article and if so, how you felt about it.

As a former music teacher, I agreed with her statement that it is terrible for a child's self esteem to allow them to give up. However, I would never bully my children or my students until the goal was reached.

Just like you can raise successful children with love and respect, you can always find another way to explain something or another method of teaching to help a child be successful. That is, instead of hours upon hours of yelling and drilling.

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Thanks for this honest post. I think it seems harder, somehow, to find that delicate balancing act between "best friend" and "the enforcer" than to be all one way or the other. Yes, I see all the hard work that Amy Chua put into her daughter's life but...at the risk of making a bad joke, I'm not sure I want all that work, all that energy poured into my kid. What then do I have left for a) my own work; b) my adult relationships; c) cultivating a sense of wonder and joy in not only my kids' lives but my own? At the risk of sounding all namby-pamby western, I believe that simple playtime matters.
Your post asks us some really good questions--thanks.

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I like your take on this better than anyone else's, even though it's the opposite viewpoint from mine.
My mom raised me the opposite way. She tried to "nurture my creativity and not stifle my personality"
I hated piano, she let me quit after 2 lessons.
I got nervous about trying out for softball at the High School, she let me quit that, even though it was something I really excelled at.
She was so worried about doing everything so different from the way she was raised, she forgot to pick up on the good aspects of her raising.
I got the Hippy-Childraising-Experience. I was overly praised, I was never really shown how people REALLY react to things I do. I'm sure on plenty of occasions she wanted to just yell "Shut up!!" at me. Or "Do your damn homework, lazy!" but never did.
This hippy style parenting didn't automatically come with more love and affection, like you think it might. My mother is disappointed I didn't turn out better and likes to ignore the fact she has a daughter.
I can TOTALLY respect how things might go, raised in the Chinese Mother way. I just really wish I'd gotten a little more of that.
Maybe a Chinese Mother's children wont like her very much, but when they are older they might just respect that she gave EVERYTHING, her time, her effort, her patience, to make her children into something.
It may not be hugs and kisses and unearned praise like I got my whole childhood. But it's love. Maybe the only way they know how to show it.
Please don't hate me for not agreeing with you, we've just grown up two very different ways (and the grass is always greener)

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I think this is the most powerful things you've ever written.

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Its not often I find articles like, no matter how small. The topic of "Ugh my Asian Parents" comes often between the few amount of Asian friends. Of course we say it all in jest and joke about it, but the reality of it is, its true. As a child there was little time between homework and 'I want straight A's' for the things I wanted to do, such as hang out with friends, play in the park when my friend's parents even offered a ride.

There was little to satisfy, even with I was the only one with a 98 on a test, instead of congratulating me she asked for "Where are the other two points?" eventually I ended up hiding all my tests, never wrote them down on the agenda book and only showed her progress reports so I would hear less of the "why only...." My only escape was science, because-ha- that was the only subject she couldn't get me in.

I wasn't exactly The model student, but the math and vocabulary drills were there, and I was one of the too 10 out of my school. Much of the parenting my mother did, whether or not she was home was powerful and it stifled my social ability. I know, from self reflection, that I have little sociability, I come out as awkward and not as socially bright and adjusted as most people, who I admire and surround myself, hoping to pick up a few habits and words to improve myself.

My friends and I all have a similar experience particularly the freedom we felt once we entered college. No one breathing on us, checking our homework while we slept, or demanding the password to our student's assignment web page. Its difficult, to readjust going home for vacation, because we're so use to exercising our new found freedom. I still have curfew at age 22 for midnight, and mom insist I either clean the house or look for Grad schools! Yet my younger brother 16 can come home at 2 from his girlfriend's house, he's musically talented, brilliantly social, and I always had this seething envy for his acceptance, even though he's my best friend. We think in similar ways.

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Thank you for the thoughtful post. I was raised by a Chinese mother (and Western Dad) and often feel that I got the best of both worlds -- high expectations from my mom and unconditional love from my dad. Of course, my mom never called me "fatty" or "garbage."

I have friends who were called "fatty" and could never please their Chinese parents, and they ended up acting out sexually and drifting as adults both professionally and personally. Or committing crimes, I kid you not.

You can set high expectations without having to resort to threats or abuse. It just takes more time and energy to parent in a positive way than in an authoritarian way. I would love to hear from Amy Chua's children, both now and in 15 years, for their own perspective on how they are being raised.

I blogged about this issue, and linked to you, in my About.com blog on working moms.

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Thank you for writing this. A friend of mine (who happens to be a second generation Chinese woman who is also a mother... but not a "Chinese mother" by Ms. Chua's definition) sent me the link to the article. I read it with interest, and yes, a little bit of defensiveness about how my husband and I are raising our two daughters. I wasn't convinced to change my style by Ms. Chua's article, and your response helps me to understand why, beyond my instinctive "that's not how my heart and head tell me to parent".

While reading her article, I wished I could ask her daughters what they think, but then I realized that asking them to speak for all kids raised in this way would be unfair and ultimately, not very useful. I'm sure that Ms. Chua's approach works for some kids- maybe even her own. The more interesting question is, does it work for the majority of kids? And what happens to the ones it doesn't work for? And perhaps most importantly... how do we define "works"? Maybe the difference in how Ms. Chua and I would answer that last question is at the root of the differences in our parenting styles. I don't think I will feel like a successful parent if my daughters grow up to have successful careers but are not happy.

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This was a phenomenal post Kristen.

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WOW! This was a fantastic piece. Brings perspective to some of us parents who want the best for our kids yet don't know how to express it sometimes. Thank you for sharing.

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You know, when I first read Amy Chua's article, I began to feel guilty for feeling like I'd given up on my children when they didn't "get" something and I allowed them to give up. It's something that has stuck with me since reading it - have I been too lax? Should I push them harder? Am I a softie? But reading other accounts, like yours, being raised similarly, and the after-effects, I realize that this parenting style may enable "success" but really, it fails those children on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Ms. Chua lost me when she referred to her child as "garbage". High standards - yes. (What I consider) verbal abuse - no.

Don't even get me started on the father. If ANYONE - husband, mother, etc. called my child such names in front of me, I highly doubt that would happen a second time. That's all that I have to say...

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I was looking forward to your response. I think that a lot of people are reacting so strongly to this article b/c "we" are worried about our kids----are we doing this right when kids are graduating without being able to read, when our economy is faltering, when adults are unable to write a coherent sentence? Then we read an article like this and think, "Wow, if THIS Is what you have to do, no thanks!"

But, there has to be a happy medium somewhere between constant praise/no pressure and the nasty, berating, dictatorship shown in this article. I have to admit I reread the article several times, thinking about this middle ground. I don't doubt that this mother loves her girls and thinks what she is doing is "right", but I sure as hell couldn't/wouldn't do it. There is much more at stake than their ability to ace a test or get that piano piece memorized.

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I love this piece.

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This is extremely well said and written, Kristen. I read the original article with a bit of fascination, a little laughter, and a whole lot of empathy for Chua's children. I am a mother, what Chua would classify as a "Western" mother, but I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum - somewhere between strict enforcer and namby-pamby wimp. I think so much of parenting is knowing when to pick your battles. Is it really worth making your child miserable just so he has baseball on his CV? Or would he be better served by learning that he can try whatever he wants (within reason, of course) to learn what he enjoys doing. And learning that there isn't any shame in not being "the best" at everything. My big rule with extra-curricular activities is that if he signs up for something, he needs to stick it out for however long the season or term is. No signing up for Little League and quitting a month into it - the team is counting on him and he needs to show up. That doesn't mean that he needs to keep playing baseball for the rest of his childhood. Other commenters have spoken eloquently about this as well... I hope your article gets picked up and passed around the web - it's a side that deserves to be heard.

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My kids are grown now, and both turned out to be smart, successful, responsible adults who are happy with their work and lives.

I would never suggest every kid should be raised according to some formula. Some kids need pushing, some kids don't; some break easily, some are tough. You have to tailor your parenting to what your kid needs, and the only way you can do that is to spend time with them. And yes, you can manage that even if you work.

And NO PARENT should ever engage in verbal abuse like calling a kid "garbage" or "fatty".

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I read Chua's article and can relate to what she has written at many levels. Like many others, it stirred up a lot of emotions in me.
I was raised by the same Chinese parenting model and, naturally, have something to say about it. Even though it has worked for her daughters (or has it?), unfortunately, that model of parenting didn't really work for me. I had a lot of emotional issues as a result of that upbringing, and suffered from depression for twelve years. I would never raise my children the way my parents raised me, and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. If you would like to read about my experience as a child raised under that type of model, you can find my blog post on
http://thedirty30sclub.com/blog/2011/01/why-chinese-mothers-are-superior/

Chiao Kee

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This is the best thing I have read on this whole hoopla.

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