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Chinese Parent Amy Chua Talks Extreme Discipline and Parenting Regrets
Filed under: In The News, Behavior, Books for Parents, Celeb News & Interviews
Author Amy Chua and her family. Credit: The Penguin Press
In Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the Yale law school professor sets out to explain why she thought the Chinese approach to raising kids was superior to the Western way. And why her rebellious daughter is making her regret some of those choices. An edited version of our chat with Chua follows.
ParentDish: What is the Chinese way and how does it differ from Western child rearing?
Amy Chua: I'm using the term "Chinese parent" very loosely -- it's really more of an immigrant mentality. Basically, I'm describing the way that my parents raised me, with a very strong emphasis on academic excellence and fewer choices. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things when I was little that other people got to do.
PD: There's been a lot of buzz lately that Chinese parents will only accept perfection from their children. True?
AC: I think what the Chinese parent is conveying to the child is not "You have to get an A or I will reject you," but "I believe in you so much that I believe you can be excellent, and I will be in the trenches with you and I'm not going to let you give up." In the end, the Chinese approach is not about A's and achievement, but it's really about helping your child be the best that they can be, and that's usually better than they think.
PD: Did you find it hard to deal with when you were a kid?
AC: In retrospect, my parents having high expectations for me, coupled with love, was the greatest gift that they could give me and it's why I decided to parent my own two children the same way.
PD: What do you reject from Western parenting styles?
AC: For me the biggest difference is that Western parents worry much more about their children's self-esteem whereas Chinese parents don't. They assume strength rather than fragility, and because of that that they behave very differently. A lot of the techniques and things they say seem very harsh to Westerners.
PD: How did your daughters respond?
AC: With my first daughter, Sophia. things went very smoothly, and I think I got a little cocky and I thought, 'Parenting is easy.' Then my second daughter, Lulu, came along; she's a real fireball and I got my comeuppance. From day one, it was always a little bit rocky, but then at 13, Lulu rebelled. It was a real crisis for me, she rebelled against my strictness but also seemingly against everything I stood for.
PD: You write in the book about a big blowup with Lulu, after which you eased up a bit and let her make more of her own choices. If you could go back, would you do things differently?
AC: I would probably do the same thing with minor adjustments. I have many regrets. I wish that I hadn't been so harsh at the time. I wish I hadn't lost my temper. I wish that I'd paid a little more attention to the individual personalities of my two children. I think I would have given my daughters, in retrospect, a little more choice. They have much more freedom now. I'm very, very proud of my girls. They are confident, happy girls with huge personalities.
PD: Did you wind up with a different view of parenting overall?
AC: Very much so. This is still a work in progress. I'm not saying that the Chinese way is the best approach and that it's for everybody. At the end, I wondered if a hybrid approach is better.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 15)
1-12-2011 @ 3:50PM
Vinsmom99 said...Do you have any words of wisdom about Blacks and Hispanics Bobby Dee? I mean, you seem to know everything about non-Jewish white people. You seem to think all non-Jewish whites are weak and ignorant. My son and I are so sorry to disappoint you but we are/were straight A students and I graduated Phi Beta Kappa. By the way I am an American of Italian heritage and Catholic. My son does not watch T.V. or play video games on school nights. He does not have a cell phone either. I guess I am just an old softy at heart.
1-12-2011 @ 3:48PM
athena said...racist much?
1-12-2011 @ 2:38PM
Charlene said...If the "American way" is so bad then why do Asian and the like come to the US? If think we're so beneath you then return to your "communist" country of origin.
Reply
1-12-2011 @ 2:54PM
Jenny said...Wow this is very ignorant. She thought the way they raised their children was not strict enought. She never made a comment about how the US is bad... Asians come to the US due to the attraction of oppurtunity...
1-12-2011 @ 7:27PM
jeffreyW said...No doubt America is the best in the world but can be even better. Why can't we be more open minded? The reason why Asians come to the US is the same as why the Anglo, Irish or Germans came decades or centuries ago. We are all American Citizens. Nobody is more entitled than others.
The essence of freedom of speech is to respect and defend other's right to express their own opinion. There is no reason for disrepect or belittling. Charlene, please don't jump to conclusion. How do you now Jenny is from the Communist China or just because she has a different opinion from yours. That does not sound fair to me.
1-12-2011 @ 2:48PM
Joy said...I agree with Amy Chua. I did not raise my daughter like my parents raised me and she has no respect for me, and to anyone who does not agree with her. She did so many grave mistakes, I regretted until now. She is lazy, has no ambition, and follows the lowest common denominator. I was raised by a strict Chinese parents, we have to excel in order to survive on our own. All of us are sucessful. Thank you!
Reply
1-12-2011 @ 2:43PM
Pam said...Calling a child names for ANY reason is abuse. This women is WAY off the mark. I taught children for 20 years and NEVER ONCE called them a name.
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1-12-2011 @ 3:47PM
ayesha said...i think her way is good the problem with western parents is they want their children to succeed and grow up to be good human beings but they want to do it without discipline and that is impossible. No discipline means a worthless adult. also the problem is we take too much parenting advice from fat losers (not me obviously) and that's where we go wrong we let them become social workers and be all in the decision making of the US and that's were you all go wrong. If a person is a loser at most things how can they give you good advice to achieve something when they couldn't achieve it themselves...think but anyway americans think children are made of glass and will break when being tough on them when in fact what makes them break in the end and become suicidal losers and murderers is lack of discipline
Reply
1-12-2011 @ 3:08PM
Ken said...I will add this to Charlene's post. Could it be that a compliant world view such as taught by this author could explain why China fell for a dictatorial form of government? A creative, thinking worldview may be a better defense against something like communism or socialism.
Reply
1-12-2011 @ 2:47PM
KIK said...keep up the "parenting" and they will rebel and end up moving in with bob the biker from around the block. and slapping you around when you are old, respect earns respect, disrespect ears the same.
Reply
1-12-2011 @ 3:02PM
Juacline said...My problem was that I never felt like I got a break. I had a mom who pushed me but stayed at home all day and did nothing. I would go to school, take several advanced placement classes, take fencing, I was in 4 choirs, and every time I got home and sat in the recliner to take a break before homework, I was told to get up and work on my homework, do this, do that. I used to stay up till 3 in the morning doing homework if I slept at all. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism this year which was partially why I was so tired but it is problematic when you are pushed to do everything when you are too tired to do it. However, my parents did not listen to me. You just get burned out. I also became really resentful of my mother who slept and left the cooking and cleaning to others. My senior year of high school I became so stressed from the push to be perfect, on top of applying for colleges and working on my girl scout gold award that I developed ulcer-like pain that nothing could treat. However, the pain disappeared when I went away to college. Essentially, I think that children can be pushed too far and that parents need to listen to their children if they say they need free time or space..
1-12-2011 @ 7:42PM
Julie said...Juacline --- you cannot be serious!
1-12-2011 @ 2:48PM
CalSailor said...Any style of parenting that is pushed too far can slide into abuse. But one thing I have noticed in decades of working with American kids is that too many of them have not been encouraged to really expend effort to acquire an academic skill. Too often, too many kids will try something for 5 minutes and say "I can't get this, it is too hard" and quit trying. Somehow, we need to find a middle ground that encourages effort, without becoming abusive. The effort is often more important than an initial success. Helping kids develop that inner resiliency that lets them try something, fail initially, and then try again, repeatedly, until they get it. THEN praise is richly earned, and the kids will accept is as actually earned. I can remember spending two hours or more on a single calculus problem, and working every problem in the chemistry text, even though only the odd numbers had been assigned, just in order to master what I was trying to learn. ALL kids need to learn how to do that. Then they will be able to motivate themselves when the going gets hard, and then they will be able to compete, and win against anyone.
Being afraid to work to a goal leads to an attitude of failure, and too many of our kids are afraid to try. No wonder we aren't the best in the world. Too many of our kids just slide through school, never working hard enough to master a subject...and never reaping the rewards of achievement hard earned. It is the best feeling in the world! I CAN do that! Is one of the most exciting things anyone can say.
Pr Chris
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1-12-2011 @ 6:57PM
Chun Ping said...I agree that children need to be taught how to follow through on things; to learn patience, persistence and determination. Unfortunately, with society the way it is, with such heavy emphasis on technology and convenience, people are developing shorter attention spans at an alarming rate. It's no coincidence that children are hyper-active and having trouble focusing on tasks at hand: it's because the adults have passed on this behavior.
1-12-2011 @ 2:50PM
Sarina said...I agree w/some of the "chinese method"....
every child especially in this country needs discipline at a young age
i grew up knowing that i had to finish homework before tv
had to sit at the table w/family to eat dinner when called
could watch tv from like eve time to about 9pm or so
no phone in my room
no tv in my room
could play w/neighborhood kids when homework was done
could have friends over that were boys and girls and do homework together or just watch tv or hang out....even in my room it was fine
my parents made snacks for all of us and i could have sleep overs
i was respected and trusted so i respected back and trusted back there was a certain balance but my parents were not trying to be my best friends and i didnt want them to be anyway
the problem here is that by 14 u got pregnant girls..so kids having kids....and 14 yr old gang members lookin for something to belong to and parents saying ohhhhh its the schools problem or i dont have time
well if thats the case....why u having kids??? seriously? parenting is hard enough and having children is a big deal
well now w/all the unemployed ppl...u aint got nothing but time to spend w/ur kids and make sure they get an education and do well
for those parents who work..work it out..mine both worked from 7am-6pm and i never got pregnant or ended up in jail or did drugs
i went to school and college and hey didnt even get a degree cause i changed my course to teach preschoolers which was awesome! it was montessori/another great form of routine/discipline
parents need to be responsible for their actions-end of story
if ur kid is out and about at 10pm on the streets its on u to follow ur teenagers ass and find them....
stop blaming everyone else and society...fix it at home first
talk to ur kids teachers and find ways and help so they can become better ppl and be at peace w/u and themselves and respect is number 1...
im in my 30's now and i know balance can work.....have fun w/ur kids and be a parent...not a friend...friendship can come when they need it when they're in college....
babies need parents//teenages need parents//college kids need guidance and friendship.....balance = stability
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1-12-2011 @ 2:48PM
Jim said...America (western) culture is always getting dumped on...Yet we have the best universities in the world (asians flock here to go to school), We make the best movies in the world, we have the best variety of music in the world, on and on. We are still te world's supreme super power. We must be doing something right.
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1-12-2011 @ 3:10PM
Joe Choi said...Absolutely!
1-12-2011 @ 3:18PM
surabhi said...the best movies? the best music? do you even watch movies that aren't in english? have you ever heard music from other cultures? you claim that music laden with innuendos and vulgar language and curse words are the best? do you even know that there is world outside of america? i'm not saying that hollywood hasn't put out some good movies. i'm not saying that all western music is bad. i'm just saying that you shouldn't diss other cultures without knowing about them. besides, america is a land composed of many different cultures. many of the people here are asian. just saying
1-12-2011 @ 7:46PM
sidneyC said...I could not help laughing when I read this post. Best Universities,I agree. Best (commercial) movies, maybe. Best music? Are you talking about those Rap and Pop music? Oh my gracious! By the way,how is any of the above relevant to parenting?
1-12-2011 @ 8:46PM
RuppertG said...Have you ever read Sherlock Holmes? Most of the American chareacters in that series were bullies, illiterates, or criminals. Many europeans I know do not think highly of American cultures. People look down upon other cultures just because of their ignorance and arrogance. If you want to be respected, respect others first. Time to grow up.