Chinese Parent Amy Chua Talks Extreme Discipline and Parenting Regrets

by Monique El-Faizy (Subscribe to Monique El-Faizy's posts)
Jan 12th 2011 12:00PM

Filed under: In The News, Behavior, Books for Parents, Celeb News & Interviews

Author Amy Chua and her family. Credit: The Penguin Press

Amy Chua is getting a lot of flack these days for her parenting style, which she calls the Chinese way. It revolves around total respect for parents, heavy math and language drills and hours and hours of music lessons (piano or violin only!). Lots of verbal abuse, such as calling your kid garbage if he or she screws up. As for TV, video games and play dates, they don't even register on the child's schedule.

In Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the Yale law school professor sets out to explain why she thought the Chinese approach to raising kids was superior to the Western way. And why her rebellious daughter is making her regret some of those choices. An edited version of our chat with Chua follows.

ParentDish: What is the Chinese way and how does it differ from Western child rearing?
Amy Chua: I'm using the term "Chinese parent" very loosely -- it's really more of an immigrant mentality. Basically, I'm describing the way that my parents raised me, with a very strong emphasis on academic excellence and fewer choices. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things when I was little that other people got to do.

PD: There's been a lot of buzz lately that Chinese parents will only accept perfection from their children. True?
AC: I think what the Chinese parent is conveying to the child is not "You have to get an A or I will reject you," but "I believe in you so much that I believe you can be excellent, and I will be in the trenches with you and I'm not going to let you give up." In the end, the Chinese approach is not about A's and achievement, but it's really about helping your child be the best that they can be, and that's usually better than they think.

PD: Did you find it hard to deal with when you were a kid?
AC: In retrospect, my parents having high expectations for me, coupled with love, was the greatest gift that they could give me and it's why I decided to parent my own two children the same way.

PD: What do you reject from Western parenting styles?
AC: For me the biggest difference is that Western parents worry much more about their children's self-esteem whereas Chinese parents don't. They assume strength rather than fragility, and because of that that they behave very differently. A lot of the techniques and things they say seem very harsh to Westerners.

PD: How did your daughters respond?
AC: With my first daughter, Sophia. things went very smoothly, and I think I got a little cocky and I thought, 'Parenting is easy.' Then my second daughter, Lulu, came along; she's a real fireball and I got my comeuppance. From day one, it was always a little bit rocky, but then at 13, Lulu rebelled. It was a real crisis for me, she rebelled against my strictness but also seemingly against everything I stood for.

PD: You write in the book about a big blowup with Lulu, after which you eased up a bit and let her make more of her own choices. If you could go back, would you do things differently?
AC: I would probably do the same thing with minor adjustments. I have many regrets. I wish that I hadn't been so harsh at the time. I wish I hadn't lost my temper. I wish that I'd paid a little more attention to the individual personalities of my two children. I think I would have given my daughters, in retrospect, a little more choice. They have much more freedom now. I'm very, very proud of my girls. They are confident, happy girls with huge personalities.

PD: Did you wind up with a different view of parenting overall?
AC: Very much so. This is still a work in progress. I'm not saying that the Chinese way is the best approach and that it's for everybody. At the end, I wondered if a hybrid approach is better.

ReaderComments (Page 6 of 15)

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1-12-2011 @ 3:29PM

george said...

The most telling comment was how she "wished" she had paid more attention to her daughters' individual personalities. Like it or not Chinese social orientation emphasizes the rights of the Group (be it family, community or nation) over the rights of the individual. Western culture (and to an even greater extent American values) are far more concerned with the rights of the individual. To me the key value she brought to the table is parental involvement. That being said the notion of a nation of over worked kids who can all play either violin and piano is not very appealing.

1-12-2011 @ 3:53PM

landrews245 said...

OK, so to me, Ms. Chua's method of child rearing sounds like boot camp, but, hey!, she's from a Chinese family and that's the way they do things. That's the way she was brought up, so that's the only way she knew. It may sound harsh to us Westerners, but it seems to have worked for her. To each her own.

I don't believe in calling children names. It's very demoralizing. You can perhaps say that something a child DID was "stupid," but you should NEVER call the CHILD stupid. (But, then again, if the child's old enough to comprehend, he/she may think that they wouldn't have done something stupid if they weren't stupid. That's the low self-esteem thing.) I also don't believe in praising a child unless the praise is actually warranted. There was a fad awhile back of praising kids for seemingly no matter what they did. I think doing that just gives them a sense of entitlement, and a sense of entitlement equals spoiled brat.

I believe respect must be earned by behaving in a respect-worthy manner; that goes for both parents and children.

Hope I don't hit any nerves by saying this, but to me, and this is just my own personal theory, training a child is like training a dog. The principles are the same: Consistency, Firmness, and Love. No secret to THAT formula. It's tried and true.

1-12-2011 @ 3:30PM

CDARRELLRYZ said...

NEVER, EVER, call your kids garbage! Verbal abuse is unacceptable. However, the rest of what's on that list, isn't that what Americans do anyway. Heavy math? Is physics good enough? Language skills as well (proper english-knowing where to punctuate etc.) Music lessons? Is guitar, bass, drums, and piano good enough? what's so superior about Chinese culture? Oh, and I musn't forget about total repect for parents!

1-12-2011 @ 3:57PM

ayesha said...

shut up idiot it's people like you the reason america can't get it right it's people like you who make the human race idiots and the reason the rest of the world is beginning to hate us and why kids raised in this country grow up wrong shut the hell up

1-12-2011 @ 5:10PM

@ayesha. You need a check-up from the neck up! My comment din not warrant that type of response. Go see a psychiatrist. Be in my office monday morning! No, forget it. You're hopeless!

1-12-2011 @ 3:34PM

suw said...

I have a friend from China and when her son gets a 97 she asks him, "what happened to the other 3 points on the test?"
Her expectations are high and her son accepts those expectations. My son will tell me that my expectations of him are too high. I think he is lazy and would rather play XBOX than put in the time to work hard. If I question him about a grade he will tell me that I am being an Asian mom. I do think that it is about respect and doing what your parents want you to do, no questions asked. So many of our friends act like they are the child's best friend rather than their parent. It is hard to make a child do an activity because they will rebel and tell you that they are burnt out to make you feel guilty. That is what happened in soccer with our son who told us that the coach screamed and cursed at them. Once we let him quit, we lost control/respect from him and the rebellion started.

1-12-2011 @ 3:38PM

mmarmal said...

....yawwwnnnnnnn - oh no, , another "anything to sell my lousy book" ... God spare me please.
(little do we know that her daughters watch Hannah Montana 4 hours a day instead of doing homework and have their navel pierced at 9....lolllll)

1-12-2011 @ 3:36PM

carlitocool231 said...

I'll have to agree with Charlene, call me "nationalistic," but if westerns lose the elements that have made us ourselves we risk falling under the tight grasp of a dictatorship/imperial society. a society in which all plebians (98% of us) serve the minority who do not work or care for the people. our future as Americans may very well be an enslaved one, so I say "Embrace America's western heritage." Embrace the people of France who fought tyranny, embrace the Brits who fought serveral kings, and embrace the type of thought that life doesn't have to be a "certain" way. God bless freedom and America.

michelle said...

The minute those nice Asian kids get into public school, they turn into terrors just like their American counterparts.

1-12-2011 @ 7:55PM

Connie Choi said...

Just speak for your own experience. My kids go to public school and they enjoy it. They excel in many aspects.

1-12-2011 @ 3:44PM

Bellisima said...

We have a lot of Asian students in our school system. When my eldest son was in 4th grade we invited everyone in his classroom to a movie theatre party. An Asian parent called and RSVP'd yes his daughter wanted to come but he needed directions to the local movie theatre. He claims they never go to the movies. Later in high school this Asian girl wasn't allowed to do anything but study, study, study. She had very few friends and wasn't allowed to have an iPod or cell phone. She rebelled by stealing iPods and cell phones. She was repremanded by the school system but her parents took her out and no one has seen her since. If you are going to live in the US and raise your kids here, you really should let them be a little western. Come on now.

1-13-2011 @ 6:59PM

Chun Ping said...

I agree. If you move to a foreign country, it's your personal responsibility to adapt to a certain degree (learn the language & social customs, for example). You can hold on to your own heritage and culture, but make an effort to become a positive addition to that society. Take the time to learn about other cultures and develop relationships with people outside of your own race. This is the only way that we can break through the barriers that perpetuate stereotypes and racial discrimination.

1-13-2011 @ 7:06PM

1-13-2011 @ 7:08PM

1-12-2011 @ 3:52PM

Karr Linkous said...

When I was in the 5th grade I got a C in math at the end of the first grading period, and my parents told me that a C was not acceptable. The teacher routinely assigned homework of 10 out of the 20 problems in the math book, so my parents made me do the other 10. They reviewed my homework, and I was not allowed to watch TV or do anything else until I had correctly answered all of the problems. I wound up getting A's in math for the rest of the year, and, although I do not mean to brag, I got A's in math through the 12th grade.

The lesson for parents is, obviously, don't accept less than your children are capable of and make them do whatever amount of work that is necessary for them to achieve what they are capable of.

Barbara said...

I agree with most of Amy Chua's child rearing philosophies. Although I am a 'western mother' I raised my own two daughters in a very similar fashion, except for the hours of instrument practice - also violin and piano and I never called them names, I can understand the cultural differences but also the reason this method works. One of the biggest problems western parents have is that they are afraid of 1. what will other people say, and 2. my children might not 'like' me. You are not supposed to be friends with your children when you are raising them, that comes later. You ARE supposed to be the parent and that means that sometimes (often) you make decisions that are not popular.

See: http://participationtrophyfreezone.wordpress.com/

1-12-2011 @ 7:30PM

Lassie said...

I've seen the "Chinese parenting" in action with a VietNamese family we know. So it's not just Chinese.

My theory is that there are SO MANY of them (and always have been such a huge population), that it's in their culture to scramble for the top, come hell or high water or suicide or whatever. Only the strong survive, out of millions upon millions, and by god, their kid is going to be a survivor no matter WHAT it takes.

1-12-2011 @ 4:03PM

suryA MUKHERJEE said...

Parents should give kids dignity and not diploma.

1-12-2011 @ 4:02PM

Lynn said...

I do agree in teaching and prompting your kids to be the best that they can, and not to coddle them. That being said, I also think you need to give kids time to be, well, kids. Doesn't sound like the "Chinese Way" will garner them much in the way of social skill.

1-12-2011 @ 5:38PM

HANDSOME said...

Most important..Children need a Mother and a Father versus a couple of more friends. If both parents are working they want to enjoy their children not disciplne them in their limited time together. Result : Spoiled children

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