Chinese Parent Amy Chua Talks Extreme Discipline and Parenting Regrets

I just don't understand why people can't just raise there kids to be good loving caring people? I grew up and my parents let me make some of my own decisions but they guided me along the way I was never a straight A student in school but I did pretty well, ended up with a good office job. I'm actually proud to say I ended up with a good job not a fantastic one but I'm very street savvy, I can figure things out on my own, and I care about people and am an all around good person. I wish parents could just raise there kids with that type of mind set.

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While I don't agree with everything about her methods, there is a lot to be said for her way of parenting. The idea of "respecting your children so you get respect" is ludicrus. Children should respect their parents becasue their parents care for them and have their best interest at heart. I have no idea why it became the "norm" for parents to befriend their children. I have no need to be friends with a child, and you are a sad case if you want to be. Be their parent, tell them what to do and teach them how to be responsible adults. Being their friend comes much later in life. While I don't agree with talking down and verbally abusing your children, many people these days have gone too far the other way, and applaud their children for mediocrity. While they should not be degraded for doing poorly, they should indeed be given help and encouragement to succeed, they should also not receive undo applause. Self esteem comes from true acheivement and is found within, it is not givin out for doing nothing by parents. Those are the children that truly struggle as adults. It's a long fall from the top when you have never been told anything but how great you are throughout your childhood. The truth is, your boss is not going to applaud you for doing your job, and we shouldn't be teaching our children to expect that by applauding them for everything they are expected to do.

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This lady is correct. High expectations coupled with love is an excellent motivator. We have come to make too many excuses for underperfomers. You do not raise kids with a boot camp mentality, but you do hold them accountable for their actions. Kids want to know their boundaries, and strict discipline, when needed, must be exercised. Socialogists really endorse appeasement more than accountability. My wife and I were strict when necessary, but no matter how upset I might have been with my kids on a particular day, every night when they were in bed, I would give them a kiss and a hug and told them that I loved them - any punishment that was in force, remained in force, but they always knew that they were loved.

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As a single parent, I too ruled with a big stick and I'm proud to say that my three children who are adults now are glad that I did. They tell me about their friends who did not turn out well in life, "they got away with murder with all the freedom they received from their liberal parents."

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I read Amy Chua's essay on WSJ this last weekend. Being Chinese having brought up in Taiwan and U.S gave me perspectives of both world. I have to say we,(my wife and my parents) completely disagree with Ms. Chua in her styles of teaching. These methods exist in the ancient agrian age in China, not now. Just think for a minute, her children's success now at a young age can not and will not represent their success in the future. Secondly, out of 2 billion Chinese in the world, how many of them won the Nobel Prize??? Think hard. I agree to a certain extent that Confucianism should be practiced between children and parents but it is not at all as what Ms. Chua has proposed.

If speaking of education and business achievements, the Jewish model should be modeled after, not the Chinese. They have less then 16 million, the ratio of success exceeds far more than the Chinese.

Anthony

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dated a Korean girl whose parents were like this. Academic honors, hours of piano lessons etc..Even at 24, her mother would call her and leave LONG vitriolic messages about how horrible she was. Chick was a total whore mess and would sleep with anyone she found attractive or had money or drugs. She spent herself into oblivion and last time I talked to her, she was living in the hotel that her parents owned, under their thumb at all times(she would have been 30 at that point). This type of parenting turns out either total nutjob basket cases or souless robot drones who breed more of the same. Sad.

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Can someone please remind me as to the reasons why she chose to write this book? Ok, so your parents raised you under very strict rules, however, where are your parents from? China! The other side of the world must not be all that great if you have people going through extreme measures to get here. I've gone to schools where the predominant race in the school are kids of Asian descent. They are taught to obey authority, but have no voice of their own. Their parents are immigrants that have children in the US on purpose so that they can be afforded better opportunities than themselves. So, you have a kid that goes to school with a tremendous weight on their shoulders, for they are now responsible not only for themselves, but also their illiterate parents. Book sense does not equal common sense. I've found that Asians from the youngest to the oldest are rude, ex: they will bump in to you and not even say excuse me. They are dirty, ex: they dig in their nose in public w/no shame...yuck! Their anti-social with anybody besides their own people, ex: Asians do NOT patronize businesses of NON-Asians. I've also found that Asians tend to have an idea that begins with, ex: Americans are dumb and lazy. Which therefore gives them the idea that they are in some way superior. However, if that is in fact the case maybe they should go back to China. How can you begin to, or even dare to bite the hand that feeds you? You come to America for a better life, become educated, or gain your riches and than begin to look down on the very place, and/or people that created the opportunities for you to have a better life? What a crock!

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I would ask this lady why she thinks the suicide rate among Chinese young people is higher than for any other group of people teens through twenties? Did she even bother to google that stat before claiming that putting pressure on your kids to be #1 is the way to raise happy healthy kids? Whatever sells a book I guess.

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My 14 year old son attends a public school with over 85% Chinese students. Most of the kids were born here; many of the parents were born and raised in China. Teachers hold stereotypes that the Chinese kids are superior; my son has observed them cheating and gossiping. They keep to themselves and speak Mandarin to each other in class when the teachers are not looking. They remind me of "Eddie Haskel". I have encountered their rude behavior at school functions. It is true that most Asian parents do not allow their children to socialize with non-Asians, but the little girls sure do chase my handsome around school! My family served proudly in WWII, Korea, and lost flesh and blood in Viet Nam. My grandfather worked on Hoover damn, so we are very much American. Since I am also California Indian, I feel that I am able to speak. I grew up with Japanese Americans, American Born Chinese, Anglos, African Americans, Cubans, Chicanos, South and Central Americans, Persians, Armenians, yet, the Chinese style of parenting has made it very difficult for other families.
These are people who vote down tax measures, yet they have impacted California's public university system.

This is causing extreme issues with polarization in our communities and non Asian students inability to be accepted into the CSU or UC system.

It is interesting that the woman in the article did not marry an Asian man as do many Asian women; too bad the spineless American husband did not stand up and let his girls be normal kids! If we only played violin and piano, in this country how would we have Jazz, Rock and so many forms of music?

I hope what makes our society distinctly American; creativity, individualism, ingenuity, determination and pride will not be replaced with this robotic style of culture and parenting!
As for my son, he plays football, guitar and drums and gets B+ and A- grades... the A grades are reserved for the kids who get beat up at home!

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well my parents are non asian and even my mum told me their freaking loonies aren't they my parent's divorced and my mum had too raise me and yes my brother alone but my dad helped us become good kind considerate adults in the long run it's not what you use too parent your child but what tool's you use too parent said child and with that yes i come from a very diverse family so each too it's collective own we need too make children more respectful and giving and obediant i note that but really a young indian girl once told my mom once my mother go away from my dad it was freeing too her and now look at me i'm so happy so their bye just because she's asian doesn't mean her duaghters will grow up like her good luck with that bye

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There are better less harsh ways of raising your children...every type of race or nationality has their good seeds and bad or whatever you wish to call them. I grow up with tv on the weekend saturday mainly after chores and church and family outings and such was for sunday the weekdays were for school,studying,daily chores...and honestly I love my childhood I don't feel I lacked love/attention or discipline and I do a similar routine within my own family now. The cousins I grew up with that were raised the same way....few have kept to the same methods also while others have done their own thing based on their children which is how its best to work...understand your child and work with what motivates he/she for the bette,point ouf their mistakes so they learn not bully them with words or fists and be patient. Hell most of what they face today we never did because back in our younger days the belt or hands were A-okay if you got out of line now its a crime or something so some of these children are just loose.

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While I don't agree with this parenting style 100% Chua herself said she would have done things a little different (see the 6th question down).No parent is perfect and no parenting style is perfect and I am sure every parent has looked back and said; "maby I should have done this a little different". Part of the responsibility of being a parent is to teach your child right and wrong, respect for others, respect for others property, how to make good choices, and seeing that your children reach their full potential. America is looking at some sad years in the future due to the fact that most kids now think that they are entitled to so much more than what they are willing to work for beacause they have always had things "handed" to them and everything has been sugar coated to the point where they are completely unprepared when graduate high school.The fact that most kids are giving up due to the fact that things may be a little hard and not mastered in a short time adds to the I want it now, now, now mentality. I think the biggest difference between the "chinese" way and the "Western" way is parent involvement, if you are involved in your childs choices they are more likely to make a good one, if you are involved with your childs education and help them they are more likely to reach their full potential in school.
I do not tell my children that they are worthless or other abuseive things like that, I encourage and guide, but they do know that there is punishment (time-out at the moment) for bad behavior and that disrespect, temper tantrums and such will not be tolerated but good behavior is praised and doing the right thing, accomplishments and making the right choices actually makes them feel proud. I do not sugar coat anything, I tell them how it is. Life isn't always fair, there are rules and laws that must be followed, they will have to work hard for things they want and not everyone will follow the same standards that they do.
All children are different and will respond to different methods you just have to figure out what works for you and your lifestyle.

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In China she would not be allowed to have TWO daughters

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To the 46% who are in favor of this type of "child abuse"----try it with your own kids and see how far you get. No balls? Figures.

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I totally agree about the coddling problem. We're too worried about hurting the kids’ feelings and being their friends; then actually being their parents. The whole point of being a parent is to teach the children right from wrong, and hard work will pay off in the end. I was raised with the "I'll tell you once" technique. As in, you told me not to touch the hot stove. I didn't listen and burned my hand. It taught me that no matter what someone tells you, you'll eventually have to figure stuff out on your own. And they're telling you this for your own good, so listen next time. It's better to be strict at first then to regret it later. I might not have had much respect for my mom in the past, but I thank her every time I talk to her today for the way she raised me. It made me a much stronger person.

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I can identify being raised with the immigrant mentality and agree that it has its downfall as well as its rewards. Nothing wrong with respecting your parents, elders and teachers. There is less respect and more of an entiltlement mentality today. I am always amazed when I see adults giving into and arguing with their 6 year olds.

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