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The Vat of Fail
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Opinions
Who loses the most in a divorce? Illustration by Dori Hartley
I have a book on my nightstand, "On Becoming Fearless" by Arianna Huffington.
I use it as a coaster. I hate water rings on wood. The cloudy circles remind me of wedding rings. I want to take a Sharpie and fill them in with skulls and bloodied hearts.
Sometimes, though, I open "On Becoming Fearless" to a random page. This is always a terrible mistake. My eyeballs always steamroll straight into a paragraph about how Arianna and her ex navigated their divorce fabulously, or about the fabulous bouquet of fabulous yellow roses her ex sent her on what would have been their 20th anniversary -- along with a fabulously handwritten, fabulously touching note thanking her for coparenting fabulously for two decades. Arianna, above all, is certain that Everything Happened as it Should Have.
I always wind up throwing up a little into my sinuses and sliding the book back under my sweating can of decidedly unfabulous seltzer. Then I hide under my quilt and try to count my blessings. Loving family and friends. New gig here at ParentDish. A very small carbon footprint (the upside of not being able to pay that oil bill). An unexpected all-expenses-paid New Year's getaway with an exotic surfer dude who has brains, a good job and visible abs.
That last bit alone should win me at least a day pass out of the Vat of General Life Fail.
But I can't escape the feeling of Parent Fail, post-divorce. And that pain supercedes everything. It's been three years since he moved out, and I worry about the kids still. There's a sadness in them both now that I can't seem to touch, no matter what I do. They've changed. We've all changed.
Unlike Ms. Huffington, I am not at all certain everything has, in fact, happened as it should have. I know I am supposed to think this. This is the code, the motto to be shared among divorcees, I have learned. But I doubt very much I will ever be convinced of it -- that divorce was the only option, that he and I and the girls will all be better people for it.
I know we're all lonelier for it. Daughter #2 still asks, "Why can't Daddy sleep here anymore?" The answers I offer don't stick. She can't feel the sense in my calm, practiced words. Often, I can't either.
Tonight, I turn down Daughter #1's simple request: She doesn't want much. Just a snuggle at bedtime, some chatting, our usual routine -- a half hour. I don't have it to give. My email program has flatlined, I've lost critical info, and I have to get back the missing data, ASAP, so I can meet a deadline. We need income.
"Just a hug, tonight," I said. "My email is busted and I have to fix it ..."
Her face falls, but she holds her tongue. What does she care about email, about writing assignments other than her own fourth-grade ones? Why should she have to care? I think.
In the past, there would have been another parent here for bedtime snuggles. My older daughter remembers only that it was good when Daddy was here. She still observes her parents closely, scrutinizing our friendly exchanges for clues. Time and time again, I think we did them absolutely no favors by hiding our disagreements, our frictions as a couple. For the girls, the divorce descended upon our family out of nowhere. They never saw it coming. In truth, we didn't see it coming either, until it was far too late.
"I'll make it up to you tomorrow night, I promise," I say to Daughter #1.
She studies my face. "You just seem ... really busy these days," she says.
"I am busy," I concede. "But I'm trying hard to find a balance, I promise."
She nods and picks up a book. Something always has to give. Tonight, it's her, and we both know it.
I have long despised the sentiment of "Women can have it all!" I resent the insinuation, that there is simply some code to be cracked, if only one works hard enough, if only one wants it badly enough. Motherhood, friendship, a fab career and love life -- it's all there, waiting to be plucked like sexy, low-hanging tree fruit.
There's no way a single mother can have it all -- whatever she used to think "it" might look like. Worse, there's no way the kids of divorced parents can have it all, not even close. They wobble, they wince, they wish -- with one foot in each world. They have no say in the matter of their circumstances, yet they give up the most, over and over.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
1-14-2011 @ 1:48PM
Mary M Hirschhorn said...This article rings true in so many ways from the very first of 'woman can have it all!' As much as I believed in that, it is the toughest thing to achieve and keep. Especially as a single divorced parent.
Balance is a stab at sanity, yours. Lets face it if you aren't balanced then no one is.
The evening ritual I know first hand with 3 children. Someone always has to give and it saddens me but it is the truth.
The dance of nighttime or sick time ritual is now a full on job in addition to the many others. The only thing I can do is provide a stable loving environment that my children can be anxiety free in, one that in the years to come they will see that I did, in fact, try my very best and love me for it.
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1-15-2011 @ 10:51AM
Jessica said...I too have three children and struggle with the balance of working, making ends meet, keeping up the house, and being there for them. The hardest part for me are the questions and comments about daddy coming back. Every night they pray for "daddy to come home" believing in the miracles that we have taught them to believe in.
You mentioned your divorce "came out of nowhere" for your kids. For mine it was quite the opposite. And while the dynamics are different, I assure you it is still quite difficult. I faught and faught to avoid this point from hitting, but when it was finally forced upon us, our life became much more calm and peaceful and so much less chaotic. I thought I could use this as a "positive" for the kids. Yet, with their limited understanding of the situation, they persistantly emphasize that they want daddy back, even if the fighting and instability comes with him.
All in all, we have to accept our situation for what it is. We may not like it or agree with it. But I agree with Mary in that our job is to provide stability and as little anxiety as possible. While they may not value that now, they will look back when they are old enough to understand better, and they will appreciate you for everything you are doing. After all, it is the long term outcome that is most important!
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3-12-2011 @ 12:43PM
SamIam said...Oh, how well I can relate. I got married young, divorced, then tried again with a nice, secure, "stable" guy a few years later...only to crash and burn when he became abusive. Talk about epic fail x 2!! Now I am busy trying to combat the girl's complaints about how come me and daddy can't get remarried (umm, b/c he is already married?) and how if I had not married their stepdad and had their brothers then life would be so much better (something I tend to agree with, in my head. I don't regret my boys, but fact is two kids is alot easier then 4!) I was a divorced kid, so I *KNOW* what they are going through, why they think the way they do, etc. But that still doesn't mean I have all the answers. It doesn't mean I know how to pay all of the bills and figure out how to buy a pizza for fun.
Really, truthfully, I think parenting is always a two person job. When you divorce it means that you now have two coworkers who can't work together for sh*t. If it was a job witha boss, the boss would fire one person and replace them. But replacing in divorce just means adding new people to the equation. And my oh my who hates an ex more than the newbie? On either side. Divorce just sucks. We just have to muddle through as best we can and hope our kids don't end up making our same mistakes. Which is also hard to teach without critizing their other parent. (I cheat and say "I had a boyfriend who once did that to me"...its technically true...)
For the record, I enjoy your writing, your wit and humor about a situation that is often not very funny. Life is what you make of it, so apparently mine is a huge train wreck and I just keep busy doing triage on the newest victims: victim age 10 just turned into victim age 11...and I want victim age 3 back! Keep on doing your magic here, so we can keep reading and know we are not alone!
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5-22-2011 @ 1:39PM
Rachel said...I just realized we can't have it all. Boy was I suprised. I had been raised to burn the candles at both ends and everything turns out "mary poppins". I feel guilty for not picking a better "dad" for my children. He moved across the country and pops back up about every 5 g holding down the fort, muddling through parenting (cause they don't come with manuals) and trying to provide the life I envision for them while attempting to utilize our resources to the max and praying that I always choose they best road for us since it's just me..all the time..just me..my daughter begs we to date so she can have "an at home dad" and my son wants someone to hang out with. I feel like beating their dad until he understands what a slacker he is and angry with him for me feeling like I"M letting out kids down because I'm not interested in getting married again right now. For all the upside down smile moments..I wouldn't give up one minute of our journey together and I don't feel like sharing my time with anyone else right now. I have very little of it as it is! I love reading your articles..it makes me feel like their are kindred spirits out there..loving their children, frustrated with being divorced..feeling like parenting is a two parent job, and hurting for their children. I cry sometimes when I read your posts..they hit so close to home.
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