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Was I Right to Change My Daughter's School Because of Bullying?
Filed under: Expert Advice: Tweens, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
What do you do when your child is being bullied by a group of children at school? I went to the vice principal, the counselor and the mediator and got no results, so I moved my daughter to a different school. Was that the right thing to do? She is a high school senior.
Signed,
Mom of a Bullied Kid
Dear Bullied,
Every day, approximately 160,000 children stay home from school in this country because they are afraid of being bullied, according to the National Center for Educational Statistics. A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that more than 3.2 million children are victims of moderate or serious bullying every year.
As a parent, our instinct is to protect our children. When your daughter was being bullied, you tried to make it stop, and when it didn't, you did what you felt was necessary to keep her safe.
Without knowing more, I cannot say whether it was the "right" thing to do. Changing schools as a high school senior isn't ideal for many reasons. But it sounds like you did what you had to do to prevent further harm to your daughter, which means you didn't simply hide your head in the sand or tell her to "ignore the bullies," as if that alone would make it stop.
Bullying is a serious issue, but simply discussing it in the press or at PTA meetings doesn't mean that it is being adequately handled. In my counseling practice, I routinely see children and teens who are being bullied at school and in cyber-space, with devastating impact.
What seems to be most effective is an integrated school program that brings students together in small groups where open discussions between kids from varying social groups are moderated, and conflict resolution skills are taught. One such program is nobully.com. (Please note: I have no direct experience with this program and cannot personally recommend it, but the approach seems well thought out.)
In a structured forum where every participant is heard, kids have the chance to develop genuine empathy for one another by recognizing the emotional impact of teasing, taunting and tormenting, which is essential to stopping the behavior at its root. These programs seem to be far more successful than simply punishing bullies, or having school-wide assemblies once a year that do little to eradicate the problem.
Children who are bullied can suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, shame and depression. I hope your daughter is doing well at her new school, but keep in mind that while she may now be free of the bullying behavior, it is important that she have the chance to process the painful feelings that resulted from being targeted at her prior school.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
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AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
What do you do when your child is being bullied by a group of children at school? I went to the vice principal, the counselor and the mediator and got no results, so I moved my daughter to a different school. Was that the right thing to do? She is a high school senior.
Signed,
Mom of a Bullied Kid
Dear Bullied,
Every day, approximately 160,000 children stay home from school in this country because they are afraid of being bullied, according to the National Center for Educational Statistics. A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that more than 3.2 million children are victims of moderate or serious bullying every year.
As a parent, our instinct is to protect our children. When your daughter was being bullied, you tried to make it stop, and when it didn't, you did what you felt was necessary to keep her safe.
Without knowing more, I cannot say whether it was the "right" thing to do. Changing schools as a high school senior isn't ideal for many reasons. But it sounds like you did what you had to do to prevent further harm to your daughter, which means you didn't simply hide your head in the sand or tell her to "ignore the bullies," as if that alone would make it stop.
Bullying is a serious issue, but simply discussing it in the press or at PTA meetings doesn't mean that it is being adequately handled. In my counseling practice, I routinely see children and teens who are being bullied at school and in cyber-space, with devastating impact.
What seems to be most effective is an integrated school program that brings students together in small groups where open discussions between kids from varying social groups are moderated, and conflict resolution skills are taught. One such program is nobully.com. (Please note: I have no direct experience with this program and cannot personally recommend it, but the approach seems well thought out.)
In a structured forum where every participant is heard, kids have the chance to develop genuine empathy for one another by recognizing the emotional impact of teasing, taunting and tormenting, which is essential to stopping the behavior at its root. These programs seem to be far more successful than simply punishing bullies, or having school-wide assemblies once a year that do little to eradicate the problem.
Children who are bullied can suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, shame and depression. I hope your daughter is doing well at her new school, but keep in mind that while she may now be free of the bullying behavior, it is important that she have the chance to process the painful feelings that resulted from being targeted at her prior school.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 16)
1-23-2011 @ 7:05PM
What?! said...Henry, you are mistaken. The guy that did the shooting at Va Tech was bullied in his high school. Even a teacher ridiculed him. Read his history.
1-23-2011 @ 2:28PM
mary said...Dear Mom,
I did the exact same things that you did, and I do not regret it for one minute. WE sought help from everyone in authority who we knew should have helped, but they didn't. They knew what was happening to our daughter, other students told what they witnessed but they blamed my daughter and did not protect her. We had no other choice, her bully was a hormone enraged boy and she/we were afraid. Every day she was afraid of what might happen at school that day, that was no way to live. Several months after we removed her from this prestigious school system in (Newton) Mass. she informed us that if she had to spend one more day in that school she was going to kill herself. Its now been 4 years, she is also now a senior in High School. She has adjusted well, there are still moments when she has flashbacks of being bullied but they no longer run her life. Recovery takes time and I hope your daughter makes it through as strong and healthy as my daughter is today- good luck Mary
Reply
1-25-2011 @ 12:05AM
Michelle said...You did the right thing. I also had to take my son out of school because the "authorities" would do nothing to protect him. They drove him to suicidal attempts by the time he was 10 years old.
He was so badly damaged however that I could not put him back into any school. I home-schooled him until he was high school age. (Yes, I was employed. Full time-6 days a week).
The next victim they chose to bully sued the school district and won several million dollars in damages.
I on the other hand lost my house because the private high school we sent him to drove us into bankruptcy. But he is alive and well fifteen years later.
You do what you have to do.
1-24-2011 @ 10:05AM
Diane said...Hi; Americans, it is time for a wake up call. Millions of children and nurses all across this country are being bullied. I worked at St. Elzabeth hospital, in Utica, New York, for three months, and everyday, my preceptor made my life horrible, from verbal intimidation, to controlling me with verbal abuse, and aggressively attatcking me physically. Her manager does not even acknowlesge the fact, that his senior nurses violated the workplace safety law of New York. When a nurse is distracted, her/his patients suffer the most, from medication mistakes, to high nurse turn pver rates. I loved my job, more then anythin, and worked ten years to be in an open heart unit. Now, I have suffered phyisically, emotionally, and pshycologically, because of Donna Rixford, RN.
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:27PM
Maleeta Enis said...No. You did not do the right thing. You and your daughter did not get a positive response despite going through official channels. I would have met with the school officials one more time and threatened to expose the situation to the media and/or consult an attorney if they did not handle it quickly in house. If it still continued, then I would have contacted the local police to see what else could be done. Bullying is a crime and it is harmful. Don't know what you daughter did (other than be too nice or passive--bullies love those types), but to pull her away from her friends and teachers in her senior year was not doing her any favors. She has to learn to stand up for herself by
taking legal action, if necessary and you failed to teach her this
fact. I am a retired teacher. When my daughter was starting middle school, I warned her about bullies and told her she needed to report any incident to me immediately. I had seen too much of it and knew that to ignore it just give the bullies the approval to keep on doing it because they have faced no consequences for their actions. The school officials need to handle it and if they do not follow through, you have grounds for a lawsuit because your child needs to have a safe environment in which to learn. Do not empower bullies by ignoring them! It is important to take a stand!
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:41PM
Mary said...Maleeta,
I agree with you and we did try the legal threats, yes it made them scared but that was it. I filed a complaint with our local DOE, they allowed the school to "investigate themselves" and they never talked with the other students who were witnesses, who also complained. So my compliant did no good. One student kept a journal of what he saw, they still did nothing. I would have loved nothing more than to slap that school system with a lawsuit but my real need was caring for the well being and safety of my child. She was reliving this for a long time, I could not let her continue. We did go to the police because she was then cyber bullied, I just needed him to stop so she could learn to live her life with out fear. There are still times that I wish I went after that school system, and I would if my child did not have to be involved.
1-23-2011 @ 2:38PM
Ed said...Get the bully kid and beat the crap out of him/her in the parking lot....it will be a bully be gonne, it works!
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 3:37PM
Bill Fitzpatrick said...What a great idea. When the security camera films you you can see your self on the 6 oclock news. Go to jail for assalt on a minor, lose your job. Hey when the civil suit comes you can give them your house
1-23-2011 @ 5:31PM
jack said...oh you horrible person you said use violence to stop violence. HMMM if you learn anything from history could it be that violent people will stop once they get their ass kicked but also teach your child to then stick up for the other new victims that some bullies will then look for. But I bet your way protects your child better then the peaceful parents ways!!
1-23-2011 @ 2:35PM
Boo said...Jan 23 2011
I'm a mother of 2 boys, 73 yrs old. A boy in my neighborhood and in the same school as my boys kept stealing and bullying them. I talked to his mother, I had my brother to speak to her it did no good.
I said to myself, I can't fight him and I well not argue with his parents. So I told my oldest son 7yrs old at the time, "see that metal garbage pail lid, well the next time he bullies you and your brother, pick up that lid and go up side his head". My son did and that boy never bothered themt again! This all happened in the early 1970s.
I found out later his mother was on Welfare and didn't pay much attention to the boy. He and my sons became friends after my son went upside his head.
One has got to stand up to these bullies, even if one is scared.
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 3:28PM
Yaya said...You're so spot on! I have raised my daughter to do the same now and even though she does not have any bullying problems at school, she knows what to do in the event if it happens.
Sometimes we as parents need to teach our children tools as to what to do in such cases- but definitely running away from a bully isn't good because the bully always comes back to you.
Thanks for sharing your story!
1-23-2011 @ 5:57PM
J23 said...Believe it or not you have a point. Sometimes this doesn't work but sometimes it does!
1-23-2011 @ 2:33PM
BAI said...That is what the Legal system is for - Forget the school they are not there to raise your kids - Parents need to be accountable - when the bully starts - take the parents to court or get a lawyer and file legal action against the parents - you will see results -
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:42PM
ed said...at $500/hr do you think everyone can afford an attorney? get real!
1-23-2011 @ 3:06PM
lori walker said...So you wouldn't do everything for your kid Cause i'd wash floors to get the money to see an attorney If it stopped the bullying
This new trend of bullying has got to STOP
1-23-2011 @ 2:34PM
Joe McKnight said...Since many, if not most of our States have anti-bullying laws, I would advocate consulting an attorney if local Principal won't take affirmative actions
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:35PM
altjira said...The mother did the right thing to change her daughter to another school. The mother tried to do the right thing but it didn't work. If she kept the daughter in the school and something terrible had happened she and her daughter would have regretted the decision. "Talking" about an issue has very limited benefits. Most of the time "talking" about something is a complete waste fo time. There has to be "action" and again moving the daughter to another school was the right thing to do. For those who think that "talking" about something helps just look at the hundreds of millions of people who have died because of wars. "Talking" to prevent a war as in many other aspects of life just doesn't work. Sure you can try and in the rare cases when it works:GREAT.However, people are people and as I've already mentioned ask the hundreds of millions of war dead how much "talking" helped them.
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 2:48PM
mike said...What a bunch of complete wusses todays kids are, poor things being called names by those mean bullies, heck in the 60s you got it from both the teachers so called guidence counselors and anyone who was 2 inches taller than you , yea high school in the 60s musta been real hell, but you know what , the following year i grew and then i got my turn to be the big bad bully and push around the smaller ones, am i damaged? am i a terrible person? did it have horrible psych. effects on me ,, no it was life,, what a bunch of sisiies and parents we have today
Reply
1-23-2011 @ 3:20PM
elizabeth said...You are damaged. You are so angry and you are blaming the victims. Beyond the physical pain the mental pain lasts forever. I was bullied as a child in one school in particular but I realize that some of it was from the teachers too. There was total contempt for the kids from the poor side of town and the fellow students read that as tacit approval. Would you want this for your child? Would you want your kids head stuck in a toilet bowl choking on feces and water as other kids laugh? Is that what you think is OK?
1-23-2011 @ 3:25PM
Not you said...Maybe if you hadn't been bullied, you would have concentrated more time learning spelling, punctuation, and grammar in school. If your child was being bullied to the point that they were scared for his/her life and well-being would you honestly tell them to "suck it up" and call them a wuss and a "sisiie"? You are the reason there are bullies today...you are probably raising you children to torment others just as you admitted to doing when you were younger. Shame on you.