'The Voice' Crowns Its Winner
Mitch Kellaway: Father's Day as a Transgender Man
Single Mom Delves Into World of Online Dating to Find ... Her Ex-Husband
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Relationships
Date? What's that? Illustration by Dori Hartley
I kissed. I made out. I fooled around. I messed around. I saw. I slept with. I went with. I went out with. I broke up with. I got back together with. I was exclusive with. I got engaged. I eloped. I married. I separated. I divorced. Period. "Dating" was not a word my generation used to describe ourselves in any phase of the lurchy, messy love dance.
"Dating" always conjured up images of my mother in faded Kodaks from the '50s, shellacked in a cloud of tulle and and hairspray, topped off with heavy cat-eye glasses, perennially ready for prom. My mom knew how to date. Even when she and Frank were going steady, they had movie dates, soda shop dates, Scrabble dates. "You have no idea how hard it is to try to lose at Scrabble," she likes to say, still.
I got booted from my cocoon of marriage to find that "dating" was back, with a horde of impatient, hot-but-not-so-heavy subcategories. Speed-dating. Online dating. Sexting. Naughty Skyping.
Modern times. At first, I resisted the development. I'm a twisted addict to my past. I reconnected with former flames, tried to fix what didn't work the first time around.
This brilliant maneuver resulted in some spectacular, epic failures worthy of NBC dramedy. I began researching "single mothers who enter convents." This yielded few helpful results.
I decided to bite the bullet. I gulped down two glasses of Shiraz before I crafted my first online profile. I cringed as I tried to describe myself authentically, to choose pics that were the perfect combo of attractive, smart, possibly sexy. Cleavage or nay? Gahhh.
I met a lily farmer first, 13 years my senior. We had two "dates," if you count the afternoon I helped him organize his dirty bulbs for shipping. Hawt. I liked his smile, the sure way he dug his fingers into the earth. His Border Collies adored me, but he seemed ambivalent, as confused by post-divorce dating expectations as I did. On our second date, he made me a stir-fry with vegetables from his garden, then seemed miffed that I didn't want to be dessert.
Next up: A psychologist who worked at a camp for kids with cancer. Awww. I was impressed by our "by the books" approach: Our first dinner at a neutral location, a Mexican restaurant we'd both wanted to try. I liked his crisp white shirt, his Billy Crystal wisecracking, the way he talked about his sons. There were a few decent "dates" before I received an email from him out of the blue, saying he was in a dark place. When he was with me, he said, he felt like he was "overcompensating."
I feel like there must be a fantastic punchline there. When you find it, let me know.
Third time was not a charm. I joined a new online dating site. It searched its entire database of potential lovahs and enthusiastically offered me my "Top Match Within 250 Miles!" YES! I clicked through to see the new love of my life: My ex-husband.
Knife, meet Heart. I had taken his profile pic in our kitchen, a photo of him grinning in front of the cabinets he'd painted blue for me. The smile was no longer for me, but for WillowPussy74 and Purrfekt4u and SizzleGrrl1.
Top match within 250 miles: I am not ashamed to say that I puked. I am ashamed to say that -- after I puked up my invisible hairball of heartache, humiliation and regret -- I made a fantastic freaking arse of myself, by rewriting my profile as a letter to him. I knew the next time he logged in, I'd be coming up as his top match. If we had one last shot, I didn't want to blow it. I told him that I already loved his daughters. I told him I loved the blue cabinets, still. I told him real love was messy as f*ck, but maybe we owed it to ourselves and the girls to try to find our way back to each other. I told him I'd even learn to cook a chicken, if we could simply sit down and talk.
He declined the roast chicken. And me.
However, I received 47 heartfelt messages from other men, many of whom said they thought it was the most romantic overture they'd ever seen online. Several said my ex would be an idiot not to consider my proposal.
Aw, hell. What's a little cleavage between total strangers?
Date this, baby.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
RelatedVideos
-
Parents Let Young Girl Ride In Dog Cage In Back Of Truck
A couple is facing child endangerment charges for letting their 10-year-old daughter ride in a dog cage in the back of a pickup Monday evening.
-
Pregnant Military Wives Showered With Love
Moms-to-be with husbands in the military don't have to feel completely alone thanks to Operation Shower. The organization commonly referred to as “shower in a box,” travels to military bases all over the country to give the army wives some patriotic pampering.
-
New Down's Syndrome Screening Developed
A new method of screening for Down's syndrome has been developed which trials suggest is over 99% accurate.
-
How Working Mothers Changed Fatherhood
Dr. Elaine Heffner, Donald N.S. Unger and Michael Zorek join HuffPost Live to discuss how working mothers have changed fatherhood.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
1-22-2011 @ 9:37AM
judie said...Get off the pc!! Find what interest you sign up for a class and go out into the real world and meet men. This way you actually get to know them before you go out. If you want a good guy put some effort into it. There is something to be said for the old ways.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 9:48AM
crumney said...Dating after marriage sucks. Seems everybody is looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect however do not have Perfect to offer. Divorce brings with it a myriad of problems and those problems are our baggage and hang ups. Usually bitterness, fear, desperation are a part of the equation. In our failed marriages that were so unsatisfying for whatever reason, we usually blame on our ex and fail to look at our part. So we have this delusion that we were perfect and he/she was a a donkeys sphincter muscle. Really the best thing to do for oneself, and for the children involved if there are any is to work on ourselves and fix our marriage so that we don't end up in the desperate world of dating after marriage.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 9:54AM
betty said...A good friend of mine, decided to try PlentyofFish once. It matched her up to Her Best Friends lying cheating EX LOL Needless to say when she saw the scoundrals picture, the deleted him. LOL
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 10:02AM
Mozelle said...Reading your story I wanted to puke, lol. Writing about your love life the way you do may seem funny to you but your statement of I fooled around, " I saw, I slept with " sounds to me like you were a slut who didn't care who you slept with. You have no decency about you what-so-ever. Instead of looking for another mate or trying to rope your ex- husband back in maybe you should look to the porno film industry instead.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 11:39AM
Alicia said...So because she wasn't a virgin when she married, she doesn't deserve love? Happiness is not meant for those who have had more than one partner? How old-fashioned and narrow-minded are you? Welcome to the modern world where women have the right to do what they please with their lives and bodies and so long as they harm no one else, they shouldn't be judged for it.
To author: You sound like a great mother. Good luck in the dating world.
1-22-2011 @ 3:10PM
Bella said...Mozelle, that was a little harsh don't you think? What she was writing is what most women are doing and just won't say they did it?
Of course, there are a few perfect women out there who would never ever do anything risky and tell about it, lol???
I'm not perfect by any means, but all that she has said is pretty much what I've seen and experienced.
We live in a crazy world these days!
1-22-2011 @ 10:17AM
nancnurs said...I am happily married to the love of my life for over 11 years. And I found him through internet dating. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with sharing e-mail! Through e-mail, I was able to glean out the frogs before my prince came along. We lived 350 miles apart but by the time we had our first meeting, we felt comfortable with what we knew about each other.
My biggest piece of advice for single females, know yourself first! No man wants a clingy woman who feels she must have a man to help define who she is. Develop your interests and hobbies, it makes you much more interesting to the men.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 10:48AM
Janice said...Wow! First thanks for your honesty. I am a child of the 70's and dating was not common. I never learned how. @Mozelle you must be very young to judge the past so harshly.
In my internet experience. I included a picture mistakenly thinking that folks that didn't like "my type" would pass. No such luck. I got the most vicious critiques from total strangers who either wouldnt show themselves or turned out to be trolls themselves. The others were kids half my age which was like trying to talk to Martians. And oh! lets not forget the businessmen in town for the weekend. Excuuuuse me? No thanks
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 10:59AM
XLMB said...This is definitely the BEST story I have read on ParentDish. HAHAHAHA. I give you credit. I've been dateless for nearly 9 years not only because of my age and feel less attractive, but I'm scared chiteless. I do not believe I would ever try online dating, but kudos to you for your bravado! Loved your story and guts at an attempt for a reconciliation. Personally, after I would have seen the names of his new interest I would have just on to my new best friend sitting in my dresser draw lolol
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 11:16AM
john bruno said...I could see why she's doing the online "dating" thing.....she has a few years on her and has all of the answers.
Good thing, though, she still has her teeth.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 11:23AM
mac said...I don't like dating either.
But, I would go out with you. And, I proise to try to keep my hands to myself ;-)
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 12:00PM
Amanda said...Before I married my husband, I had my share of bad relationships (stalker, still-loving-ex-girlfriend, suicidal nutjob, cheater, forgot-to-say-he-was-married, chauvinist pig, guy who lied about a job to avoid saying he was dumping me, and fiance who got engaged to another woman while he was still engaged to me, in that order), to say nothing of bad dates! I can safely say that my husband is the ONLY man I'll ever love and who respects me for who I am, and if he dies before me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life as the 'crazy cat lady!' The single scene was bad enough the first time around, and I have no desire to jump back into the shark tank that is the dating pool again! What can I say, my husband set the bar too doggone high! I'm just grateful we're one of the couples who doesn't believe that divorce is a viable option-we made a pact before we got married that the only time we would mention "divorce" would be when we were talking about someone else's!
Believe it or not, there is such a thing as "one true love!" Unfortunately, finding your prince in a world of toads is almost impossible!
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 12:27PM
Glenn Posner said...Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
The End
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 12:35PM
leon said...There is a plus and a minus side to all of this. The plus side is that one gets divorced. The minus side is that one looks to do it all over again.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 12:48PM
Mack said...Dating after divorce is difficult. I have it easier than most, we divorced after realising we were good friends but not lovers anymore, and there were no children. I tried online dating, and it was very unsatisfying. After a long (12 1/2 years) marriage, dating is foreign territory. I felt great pressure from myself to get a new girlfriend. It seemed like there was no way to win- and the pressure to have sex doesn't just come from men, either. I wanted to establish a relationship, get to know a woman, and many women took it as a slight to themselves if you didn't have sex on the first date, some getting downright mad. Have sex right away, and some considered it creating a relationship headed towards marriage and ready to move in, when you barely knew their name, let alone what they were like. I still don't know the proper balance, so now I am almost in hiding, although at 57 I would dearly love to have a significant other in my life. Thank heaven I have my business to keep me busy, while waiting for lightning to strike
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 1:48PM
AngeL said...@Mack...I am riding in the same boat you are. I am 55 years old and been divorce for 14 years. Dating these days is very difficult. No one is honest anymore. I have been through everything Amanda mention above. I met a nice guy...well I thought he was nice. He did have nice qualities, well manner, clean, professional, intelligent and was nice looking at that, and a month later he express that he was married and that him and his wife had an open marriage and he wanted me as his 2nd wife, friend, lover, etc. I almost lost it. I was speechless. My question was...what did I have, said or done to gave him the impression that I wanted that kind of relationship. Since then I never try to meet anyone again. What a dissapointment. No one wants to have a one on one relationship anymore. The man and woman wants friends someons they can have sex with and have fun. For crying out loud...what happen to dating one person at the time and try to develop a serious relationship? Someone to get old with...someone that you can say he has my back and I got his...sharing life! Whewwww.....is really sad how much dating has change. Do people do not think on the consequences of dating that kind of way anymore? Friends dating friends of friends and back to the same friend and exchanging their sex life. Call me old fashion but that was not the way I was raised. Good luck to you on your search and everyone else who's looking for that special person.
1-22-2011 @ 3:09PM
Bella said...Mack,,,I agree totally! I was married for a long time. Dating some and now I'm just hiding out hoping lightening strikes! What I am thinking is that so many women are willing to have sex on day one, why would a man want to put up with me wanting to get to know each other?
Your post made me realize that men have the same problem. Hang in there, when you meet the right one "she will be one lucky girl!."
1-22-2011 @ 1:22PM
chckpope said...You may find the reason you keep attracting the same loser types is because you have that type of person set up in your head as the perfect match. You need to come to grips with what you want and set out to get it. It may be an eye opening experience. Most people have a perfect person in mind but fail to realize they themselves aren't perfect and if that perfect person did exist why would they want to be with you. That is the very reason the first or second marriage ended and they continue the same patterns. If you keep doing the same thing you will not get different results.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 1:28PM
jan said...Graet story, been there myself. I forwarded your article to mynextdatebolg that looks at the humorous side of dating, esp online dating!
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 1:37PM
clarabell said...As painful as it was, at least you will not go through life wondering what would have happened if you hadn't tried.
And I agree with those who say your husband is an idiot. Move on. You deserve better.
Reply