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Single Mom Delves Into World of Online Dating to Find ... Her Ex-Husband
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Relationships
Date? What's that? Illustration by Dori Hartley
I kissed. I made out. I fooled around. I messed around. I saw. I slept with. I went with. I went out with. I broke up with. I got back together with. I was exclusive with. I got engaged. I eloped. I married. I separated. I divorced. Period. "Dating" was not a word my generation used to describe ourselves in any phase of the lurchy, messy love dance.
"Dating" always conjured up images of my mother in faded Kodaks from the '50s, shellacked in a cloud of tulle and and hairspray, topped off with heavy cat-eye glasses, perennially ready for prom. My mom knew how to date. Even when she and Frank were going steady, they had movie dates, soda shop dates, Scrabble dates. "You have no idea how hard it is to try to lose at Scrabble," she likes to say, still.
I got booted from my cocoon of marriage to find that "dating" was back, with a horde of impatient, hot-but-not-so-heavy subcategories. Speed-dating. Online dating. Sexting. Naughty Skyping.
Modern times. At first, I resisted the development. I'm a twisted addict to my past. I reconnected with former flames, tried to fix what didn't work the first time around.
This brilliant maneuver resulted in some spectacular, epic failures worthy of NBC dramedy. I began researching "single mothers who enter convents." This yielded few helpful results.
I decided to bite the bullet. I gulped down two glasses of Shiraz before I crafted my first online profile. I cringed as I tried to describe myself authentically, to choose pics that were the perfect combo of attractive, smart, possibly sexy. Cleavage or nay? Gahhh.
I met a lily farmer first, 13 years my senior. We had two "dates," if you count the afternoon I helped him organize his dirty bulbs for shipping. Hawt. I liked his smile, the sure way he dug his fingers into the earth. His Border Collies adored me, but he seemed ambivalent, as confused by post-divorce dating expectations as I did. On our second date, he made me a stir-fry with vegetables from his garden, then seemed miffed that I didn't want to be dessert.
Next up: A psychologist who worked at a camp for kids with cancer. Awww. I was impressed by our "by the books" approach: Our first dinner at a neutral location, a Mexican restaurant we'd both wanted to try. I liked his crisp white shirt, his Billy Crystal wisecracking, the way he talked about his sons. There were a few decent "dates" before I received an email from him out of the blue, saying he was in a dark place. When he was with me, he said, he felt like he was "overcompensating."
I feel like there must be a fantastic punchline there. When you find it, let me know.
Third time was not a charm. I joined a new online dating site. It searched its entire database of potential lovahs and enthusiastically offered me my "Top Match Within 250 Miles!" YES! I clicked through to see the new love of my life: My ex-husband.
Knife, meet Heart. I had taken his profile pic in our kitchen, a photo of him grinning in front of the cabinets he'd painted blue for me. The smile was no longer for me, but for WillowPussy74 and Purrfekt4u and SizzleGrrl1.
Top match within 250 miles: I am not ashamed to say that I puked. I am ashamed to say that -- after I puked up my invisible hairball of heartache, humiliation and regret -- I made a fantastic freaking arse of myself, by rewriting my profile as a letter to him. I knew the next time he logged in, I'd be coming up as his top match. If we had one last shot, I didn't want to blow it. I told him that I already loved his daughters. I told him I loved the blue cabinets, still. I told him real love was messy as f*ck, but maybe we owed it to ourselves and the girls to try to find our way back to each other. I told him I'd even learn to cook a chicken, if we could simply sit down and talk.
He declined the roast chicken. And me.
However, I received 47 heartfelt messages from other men, many of whom said they thought it was the most romantic overture they'd ever seen online. Several said my ex would be an idiot not to consider my proposal.
Aw, hell. What's a little cleavage between total strangers?
Date this, baby.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
1-22-2011 @ 1:52PM
Susan said...Sounds like if you take a risk and put yourself out there, chances are you might get hurt all over again. Then again, I would not have sent that to the ex, I like the dog suggestion, find a hobby, take up reading, exercise and maybe just try casual dating.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 2:02PM
barry said...i actually liked the article. i thought it was clever and humorous. actually i believe it could have written by either a man or a woman as both encounter similar experiences. there was nothing "bitchy" about it. i wish her good luck. just remember, relationships that work are the exception. and exception is defined as an event that happens rarely.
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 2:06PM
Gia said...YUK! If anything ever happened to my husband I really think I'd just have to be alone the rest of my life! I HATE dating! I hated it when I was a kid with boyfriends! I was so glad when I married my husband so I could be with ONE person the rest of my life. I know some people can't take that and feel that's weird but ever since I was a kid I only wanted to be a wife and mother. There's nothing wrong with that. It seems like everyone is so quick to divorce instead of working through problems. It's hard at times to be maried to the same person but it changes over the years. The first few years are nice, then you get a little board and start to pick at things they do and they start to pick at things you do and pretty soon neither one is talking to the other. Then, you rise up and act like adults and find a way to say you're sorry and move on. After 10 years or so things change again, after 20 years there's another change. You just have to keep going and working through each others likes and dislikes. Everyone changes their likes and dislikes from the age of say 20 on into their 40's. I'm a much different person than I was 25 years ago and so is my husband. You have to learn how to forgive and forget. We all make mistakes but if someone flat out says they don't want you and they leave, UGH! Move on! That person is obviously an idiot for giving up on their marriage in the first place. The next one will fall the same way and the next one after that because those type of people can't get past the part of a relationship that requires MATURITY.
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1-22-2011 @ 2:14PM
jay said...hey I married an angel I met on Match.com but only after it matched me up with a witch on the other coast and also my real sister. EWWWWW but keep trying... and remember to love the one youre with peace and laugh
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1-22-2011 @ 3:22PM
Michael said...I loved the story...made me laugh. She reminds me of me! I am "old fashioned" too and love the phrase: "I'm a twisted addict to my past. I reconnected with former flames, tried to fix what didn't work the first time around". I did the same thing got the same results. It's like taking something out of a package....it just never goes back in the same way!! I was with my ex for 36 years, 34 of those married. We went everywhere and did everything together. Raised two fime boys and then she was gone. Broke my heart to the point I figured it wasn't worth it being here. Well fast forward to now almost 2 years later and I am still sitting around waiting for someone to come knock at my door. Not going to happen and I know I need to get out to meet people but really don't know where to start. I don't smoke, don't drink......well maybe a Kahluah and milk socially ;) am retired (55) but where the heck do you start? I am a hopeless romantic......flowers, opening doors, surprises (spontaneous ) going out to eat, movie or just a ride to the coast. Is that wrong? You don't need lots of money, just being w/someone and sharing good times is good for me! Expecting "something" ruins it and makes it stressful......for me anyway. I just want to go out and have a good time without all the drama. If it works it works. If not...well, at least you met someone new. She sounds funny and intelligent...I wish her the best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!
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1-22-2011 @ 4:41PM
AngeL said...I am so glad to know that I am not the only one. It seems is many of us out here with the same dating issues.
1-22-2011 @ 5:01PM
MrsMRG said...My ex-husband just friended me on facebook....as if!
Reply
1-22-2011 @ 5:27PM
Pam said...Hang in there, girl. It doesnt say how old you are, but I've been separated 4+ years, tried the ex'es, too, no go, thne online dating...met some great guys, there's nothing wrong with the restaurant/separate cars thing....I think its the best, even if it's dutch! Older men (50+) are great, they know how to treat/woo a lady.
Good luck....I've had alot of it
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1-22-2011 @ 6:21PM
Mari said...I divorced after 15 years of marriage and did the online thing. My experience was that men my age (40+) have unreal expectations. Plus, I ran into my ex-brother-in-law online and in my opinion, that would have been at least 2 steps down. : / I've been happily divorced for over 2 years now. We'll see what the future holds...not holding my breath.
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1-24-2011 @ 8:36PM
Diana Bowen said...Count your blessings! You could have my luck.....which is "E Harmony has told me that there is no match for me!" The 2 online dates that I had through another website had the followung results. The first date was with a nice fella who promptly informed me after dinner, that I owed him "sex" for the dinner he paid.$39.72 for!! I was totally disgusted and I made sure that the next date was dutch treat for coffee only. That way I could leave if I was uncomfortable. Although I felt no intimate desire, he was a nice guy so I was cordial. Well, this man stalked me for over a year. Heres a hint:: enter as little personal info about yourself online as possible. This man found out where I worked and would show up and just hang around outside THE ENTIRE DAY!! Then, he would want to come to my house which I managed to always have an excuse to not go home right away. Had to run a friend to the store, had to go see a sick relative/friend, or had to get to my 2nd evening job (totally made up) which was canvassing residences and collecting specific data for a undisclosed government company which was always an out of town gig. I kept telling him I wasn't interested. It took over a year but he finally quit coming around
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1-24-2011 @ 12:11AM
greg said...Very good article! Taking your personal safety is very important! A police officer created a personal monitoring website that monitors your safe arrival home. It’s free, easy to use and confidential. bConcerned.com will confirm your safe return home and will notify your alert contact when you fail to return!
Reply
1-24-2011 @ 9:18PM
Alicia said...I looked up that site. I don't go on internet dates much, but definitely using it next time I go somewhere at night alone, which I have to a lot. Thanks for the tip!
1-26-2011 @ 9:15PM
Kim said...That is hearbreaking all over again. I'm sorry that happened to you just as you were brave enough to peek outside the anemone for the first time.
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3-16-2011 @ 9:39AM
tlee said...holy moly, why on earth did this piece elicit the negative? must have hit a nerve. i loved this article, though sorry to hear about the suffering. it was a terrific, heartbreakingly hilarious story
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