Father Loses 2 Young Children In Tornado
Why It's Hard To Get Along With Your In-Laws
My Son's Mean-Spirited Grandmother May Be Preventing Him From Grieving His Father's Death
Filed under: Relatives, Relationships, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
My 9-year-old son lost his father last March in a motorcycle accident. His paternal grandmother filed for custody of him just hours after they turned off his father's life support. I have kept custody, but my son hasn't been able to grieve properly because of the catty, petty way his grandmother and her horrid boyfriend are with me and those around us. How do I help my child mourn his daddy properly with all this selfishness going on around him?
Signed,
Grieving Mom
Dear Grieving,
I'm so sorry to hear about the sad turn of events in your son's life, and in yours, as well. Losing a parent is extraordinarily difficult, but a sudden death like this must have left your young child in enormous shock, not to mention great sorrow.
While I am sure his grandmother would tell her version of the story, it is clear that what your son needs and deserves is to have the unified support of his loved ones to help him through his grief.
But even if his grandmother continues to make things difficult, there is much you can do to help your son grieve the loss of his father.
Here's my advice:
- Encourage your son to talk about his loss, and create emotional space for him to voice his feelings with words like "Tell me more ..." when he expresses unhappiness or anger. Make sure he knows that when he's with you, it's safe to vent big emotions.
- Create rituals that honor his father's memory. You might light a candle once a week and talk about his dad for a few minutes. Or allow your son to set up photos in a special area where the two of you go to sit and remember his dad. This might help him reach inside to feel the sadness that he might otherwise be suppressing.
- Use his father's name in conversation to keep his presence alive for your son. Sometimes people are uncomfortable about mentioning someone who has passed because they don't want to remind a loved one of their loss. But it's very important for a grieving person to feel that those around him are thinking of the loved one who has died, and miss him, too.
- Don't push your son into grieving. Allow him to express his sadness when he's able and willing, but recognize that he will also want to play and have fun, and that doesn't necessarily mean he's repressing his feelings.
Meanwhile, follow these suggestions to help your son move through this loss, and seek professional counsel if he demonstrates symptoms like excessive irritability, difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, appetite changes, academic problems, withdrawal, diminished interest in activities or extreme sadness.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
1-25-2011 @ 4:16PM
Lauren said...Wow, the grandmother must really not like her daughter-in-law. Filing for custody when there's still a parent living? I've never heard of such a thing, How come one of the options wasn't to stay away from the grandmother? Unless she actually lives with them, what's keeping them from staying away from her? Sounds like distance would go a long way to help out.
Reply
1-25-2011 @ 4:33PM
Geraldine Schirtzinger said...There is a booking dealing with death to help children understand.
"The Fall of Freddie the Leaf:
A Story of Life for All Ages,
by Leo Buscalgia
Reply
1-25-2011 @ 4:24PM
Coop said...How bizarre! On what grounds would a grandparent even attempt to get custody of a child after one parent's death? The fact that this woman mentions her mother-in-law's "boyfriend" is telling. The grandmother is a psycho freak. Grandparents don't have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends." You want to help your son? MOVE. Move FAR away from his so-called grandmother and cut off as much contact with her as possible.
[Susan: Instead of using a headline like, "My son's grandmother. . . " which has the reader wondering WHICH grandmother before even reading your first sentence, why not try something a little clearer, like, "My mother-in-law is preventing my son from grieving for his father?"]
Reply
1-26-2011 @ 12:09AM
Alicia said...I don't think it's the "boyfriend" part that implies emotional/mental instability. After all, divorced or widowed grandparents don't deserve loneliness and a life without partnership anymore than anyone else. I'd say the filing of a custody claim within hours of her son's death is what proves this woman isn't right. Not only has she refused her grandson the right to mourn, she hasn't taken any for herself. To me, that screams that this woman has some serious hidden issues. Maybe if the mother were addicted to drugs or posed a threat to her son's life, it would make sense. However, I doubt such a mother would write to an advice columnist asking how to help her son mourn.
1-25-2011 @ 6:00PM
LH said...My son was recently killed in a motorcycle accident, too, leaving behind his beloved little two-and-a-half year old daughter. In our situation, thankfully, both sides of the family are committed to keeping his memory alive for her. The suggestion was made to us to keep as many of his things as we could so she can go through them when she's older, whenever she might be ready to do so. We boxed up things from his baby book, to junior high and high school things, right on up to one of his work shirts, a pair of work pants, ticket stubs from music concerts--even a ziplock bag with his deoderant and soap in it so she can remember how he smelled. Going through his things to find the important things for her to keep was a difficult task, but at the same time was healing for us, keeping in mind that we were "saving her daddy" for her. We feel this will be of great comfort to her at some point later in her life, whenever that might be. Forgetting him and pretending he was never IN her life is incomprehensible. This might not be the right thing for everyone to do, but it helped us and we feel it will help her, too.
Reply
1-25-2011 @ 6:10PM
LH said...After reading that, I realize I didn't really finish what I wanted to say to this mother. Since her son is old enough to be able to take part in choosing things of his dad's to keep in a "Dad's Box," I think that might be a good way for her to help him. There might be things that he would like to keep, that she might not have thought about, or there might be things she will think of that he might not. She could even put aside a different box for him, which he doesn't know about right now, that he could open up later on, when he's older. Even if the grandmother (and divorced or widowed grandparents DO often have special friends--it doesn't mean they are bad people) is making this a difficult time, the mother could still do something like this to keep the dad's memory alive. It's a shame the grandmother is causing difficulties at an already difficult time, but the child, and his grief and his memories, should be considered above all else, no matter what the adults' "issues" are!
Reply
1-25-2011 @ 7:18PM
Debra said...13 years ago my husband died suddenly and my son wasn't even 12. I agree with all your advise, as well as Lauren's. In my case, my mother-in-law sent me a lawyer's letter stating I was keeping my son from her. I believe she was bi-polar by her actions over the years and yes, I did keep my son away from her. I did offer to drop my son at her home with supervised visits. I talked to my son in his room and explained that while others felt badly, we would feel worse since we were a family. I have always spoke honestly and often to my son about everything and we are extremely close. He is now 25 years old and doing fabulous! Also, when the time comes, I always kept my personal life entirely separate from my son, always keeping him #1 in my life until he went to college. Keep him away from the grandmother and very close to you!
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1-25-2011 @ 8:24PM
Linny said...My husband and father of my sons died when my youngest was 8.
One of the things I did for my sons and myself was join a group of friends for dinner each week, and conversations frequently occurred about their father, and the stories of times friends had spent with him. These friends had known my husband for many years since they were children themselves. It was heartening for my sons to hear laughter over things that their dads friends had done with him, and made them much more comfortable with expressing their own feelings and memories of good times. Sometimes in our efforts to protect our children from the bad memories, we prevent them from remembering the good times as well. After over 16 years we still talk about their dad when a memory comes to mind.
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1-25-2011 @ 10:51PM
kb said...It sounds like there are unsettled issues between the adults. Perhaps a minister or grief counselor could help the adults put old issues to rest so the whole family could move forward either peacefully together or apart. If the mom tries to 'help (force) the child understand his grandmother's selfishness', mom might end up being the angry person the little boy is with all day. Forgiveness is about healing self first. I would encourage this mom to get some help and be the hero regardless of how much she feels slighted. She needs to remember that creating a loving environment for her child will take sacrifice in many forms without a dad there to help.
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