Emptying the Nest: Q&A With Author Dr. Brad Sachs

STUPID PARENTS HAVE STUPID KIDS!

Codependence sucks. Interdependence is essential !

Stupid parents have stupid kids. Bull. You are a very ignorant individual. Stupid people make stupid comments?

You are so right. Parents with excuses for their dependent children (one in particular with a 32-yr old unmarried, unemployed daughter, who they financially support 100%) think they're doing the kid a favor by keeping them sheltered and dependent. Mommy and Daddy won't always be around, and woe is the adult who will find themselves suddenly on their own for the first time in their life. Very sad for the "kid" and shameful for the parents.

Name one instance when the government told you what you owe (if you owe) anything to your kids. Stop blaming the government for the failure of parents. We baby boomers are terrible parents because we want to be friends with our kids, want to help them do everything and many times want to live through our kids. The government had nothing to do with it.

Sandie, your children must be very happy and well rounded... Thanks for your input... I Agree totally...

I agree with you as well. My mom told me that once I was 16, I was getting a job and I was not to ask her for money for a car, prom, etc. I went away to college but I got aid and worked hard and had a job. I moved into my first apartment (albeit with three room mates) the day I graduated in a car that I was paying for myself. I have no compassion for people in their 20's who complain to me about money but still live at home!

I totally agree with you! Just throw in respect for parents and for self and I think you might have the perfect ticket. Have a good day!

Same thing in my household. I was born in 1949, the oldest of six boys, no girls. We each were expected to pull our weight. We did however get allowances (much smaller than our peers, I might add.) Out of that allowance, we were permitted to buy whatever we wanted that our parents did not provide (toys, candy, games, or any items which were deemed by our parents to be an extravagance.) We did not get advances on the allowance, even when an item we wanted was on sale. This created, some have mentioned, a sense of only buying within our means and not depending on extension of "credit." We were expected to get a job, even at a young age, if we wanted something outside of our allowance. This included selling candy/Christmas cards/etc. from ads in Boys Life magazine, or lawn mowing, or doing odd jobs for neighbors, family, and friends. My first job was working as a clerk for a family friend at the age of 15, to save up for a car, and insurance, when I turned 16. The car cost me $ 125.00, and the insurance cost me $ 375.00, the entire $ 500.00 I had saved. Well wouldn't you know it, I forgot all about taxes and license and the all important fuel...LOL So, back to work I went, and I couldn't drive the car for a full two months until I had the money for those items. I learned a valuable lesson in making certain that I had considered all of the variables involved before acting on an impulse. God bless you Mom and Dad for letting me make my own mistakes, or keeping me from doing the really dumb/stupid/dangerous things (despite my being angry because everyone else's parents allowed them.) By the way, I wasn't considered a pansy and if anything, I feel I was pretty well respected and fully accepted by all of my neighborhood, as well as my high school class. Don't get me wrong, I've had my ups and downs, But, the lessons learned have served me well and I've always been able to come back stronger than before.

Sorry for this being so long but, wanted to share...Tom

Sandie: I never gave money to my kids for getting good grades for this was expected of them. I did give an allowance for doing chores other than the keeping their rooms clean. From Day one a parent should be bringing their child up to be self sufficient. The parents, whether through death or whatever, will not alway be around and it is the parents responsibility to have a child become a well rounded adult that will know how to take care of themselves in everyway.

PS...when we had a job, we had to pay a percentage for room and board. Never over 10% but, it helped us realize that we needed to contribute to the family budget. Gave some value to what our parents were providing in return. Please don't fall back on excuses for why your children don't, or can't contribute. There generally are not any reasons sound enough to make an argument against sound judgement and love...regardless. I understand some extreme cases where there are physical/mental limitations but, I still maintain that even then, they want to feel like they are contributing, even in the very smallest of ways.

I don't really agree that this is always the best way. I'm in my mid 20s, fully independent from my parents and married. I was given an allowance, not tied to chores, pretty much my whole life. I was never really assigned set chores that I had all the time, but it was expected that I would help clean the house before company came, and to do my own laundry regularly (my brother somehow got out of this). I was nagged to clean up after myself constantly (and I should have done a better job at this), but like I said, no set rules really. My only job, according to my parents, was to get good grades. That's it.

My parents, out of the kindness of their hearts, supplied both myself and my brother with cars and paid for our gas once we were of age. They were able to do this because they never spend more than a few thousand for a car (I think 5k was their most expensive car ever), and my dad fixed them when they break (I learned how to change breaks, etc). They told us both that they didn't want us to work, but expected us to focus on school. We ended up getting jobs anyway because we had hobbies we liked (I worked as a stable hand to pay for riding lessons, my brother a life guard). They also paid for our college - tuition, books, living. My parents are not rich, they are middle class. They sacrificed a lot to give us all of this.

Once out of college, I immediately got married and found a job (that took a while, but eventually found one). When my car from hs finally died, I sold it for 400 bucks and bought a used car with cash (7k after taxes) that is still running. We figure 2 more years out of it, and it will earn its keep, but of course we will run it until it's dead. My husband and I never live out of our means and try to save at least some every month. We saved almost all of my salary when I was working thanks to not renting the most expensive apartment we could afford (quit to go back for more school), and used this to put down 20% on our house. We bought a house that was 50K less than what the realtors were telling us we could afford (we did some simple "what do we spend" "what do bring in" "what do we want to save every month" summations). We have zero credit card debt, no car payments, a very small mortgage payment, and pay all of my school expenses out of pocket, so no school debt for me. We only have a little debt from my husband's school because he was on his own once he got a job in hs. His parents were very much what you describe, and although he is responsible for the most part, he has debt because of this. But he does manage his money better than his parents...

I'm not saying that paying for your kids is great in every situation, I think different kids need different rules depending on personality, but expecting kids to be almost completely independent (minus food and a mortgage really) in highschool is asking a lot of them, and may actually lead to more dependent children since it leads to poorer outcomes in hs, hindering the most important thing - education.

Take my ex's siblings for example. They were still living at home in their late 20s, taking classes at community college because their grades sucked too bad to get into a good school. Why? Because they wanted expensive cars to impress girls, and in order to afford the payments, they had to work, which ruined their grades in hs. I'm sure lack of IQ played a role, but the focus on living outside of their means - which in turn meant too much time spent working and not enough on homework, didn't help. If their parents had given them a used cheap car, maybe they would have picked a free junker instead of trying to afford a thunderbird on their own. Also interesting to note that their parents were constantly making car payments; as soon as they paid a car off they bought a new one. Great way to stay in debt.

Sandie,

I too agree with your approach. We have two college age young men
and they both work, taking good paying jobs doing menial tasks but
of course they like the independence it brings. They attend the U, and
live at home. This where MY problem lies; my younger, by 31/2yrs.
seems to feel like this is a 'boarding house', rather than HOME, and
resents even my asking how he is feeling ! He is not rude about this but rather seems to feel like I am trying to keep him tied to my apron strings
when all I want from him is respect, courtesy, AND just maybe a .
hug now and then. I don't expect him to be like his brother, and never have as they are polar opposites! Indeed I nurtured this and tried explaining that he is free to have his own identity and opinions

The Question.......as his parent, and mother, how do I express this to him without riling his defensive nature?And what is HIS
responsibility in this relationship?

This and other countrys need parents like you. This world sure wold be a much better place!

Wrong on that one children of native Americans should get educated the lower jobs on the ladder have always gone to immigrants legal and illegal its the way its been since the beginning of the country our children should pursue higher education and get the better jobs and not blame illegals and anchor babies