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SmackDown: Should You Let Your Teen Get Plastic Surgery?
Filed under: Opinions, Teen Culture, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens
If your teen doesn't feel pretty, does that justify plastic surgery? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Let My Kid Get Plastic Surgery? Not on My Watch
by Jo ParenteRecent news: A 15-year-old girl hates her appearance. She's being taunted about her nose, so she tries to break it by banging her face against a door. Her mother allows her to have plastic surgery and believes her daughter's self-esteem is much improved. Problem solved.
Uh, I doubt it. The ugliness here was never this child's (perfectly average) nose. The ugliness is the self-hatred that compelled her to try to crush her own face.
How did this young woman get to this point? What role did the school play in this? Who might she have become as an adult, had her parents insisted upon and helped her map a no-surgery route to healing her profoundly damaged self-worth?
We won't know. She won't know.
What happens when the bullies decide to start in on her ears? Or her breasts? Or her rear? Maybe the bullies simply stick with "fat" or "ugly." Then what?
It scares the hell out of me to see cosmetic surgery becoming a socially acceptable "quick fix" for poor self-esteem in the teen years. The numbers of teens flocking to plastic surgeons are mounting. "Nearly 90,000 teenagers had cosmetic surgery in 2007, and doctors say the numbers are growing," Good Morning America reports.
But at what cost (besides the already high price tag of elective surgery not covered by a family's health insurance)?
Let's put aside the scientific fact that the human body is not finished growing and shifting and setting until approximately 18 years of age. Let's even set aside the very real, very serious health risks of going under the knife (infection, scarring, blood clots, complications with anesthesia, death).
The average 15-year-old still has to be reminded to apply sunscreen and do her homework. The average 15-year-old is not a long-term thinker.
Ask a 15-year-old who smokes why she does it, and she might tell you it's easier than saying no. It feels good. Same goes for underage drinking, drugs, or sex. We were teens once. We know the drill. Teens like to feel good right here and right now, even when the long-term consequences are appalling. The quick fix is king.
It's not my job as a mother to teach quick fixes. It's not my job to keep my child happy at all costs. Life, quite frequently, sucks. The trick is to learn the tools to minimize the suck and maximize the beauty -- not the kind you find in a magazine.
It's my job to teach my child tools for sustainable, long-term living. I refuse to OK an otherwise healthy child's wish to drastically and permanently alter her appearance with a surgical procedure. This is in no way a sustainable, long-term method for dealing with haters. Bullies will come and go. It's my job to teach her to love and live with the one beautiful, unique constant: her.
As an adult, she can decide if surgery is the best option for her. I'll support her choice then, either way. But the bullies don't get to win this round, not while she's on my watch. Her self-hatred doesn't get to win this round, either. I support my child by not supporting her wish for a quick fix.
I'm talking elective surgery on children who are still barely grown into their bodies. I have no issue with cosmetic surgery for kids who've been in horrible disfiguring accidents, or reconstructive surgery for cleft palates and various birth defects. And I can certainly understand the desire and the wish to protect one's child from any unwanted attention, from any cruelty or bullying. My older daughter has a birth defect and subsequent scarring of her arm that's caused stares and unpleasant comments from children (and ignorant adults) since she was a month old. If she wanted reconstructive surgery, insurance would pay for it.
So far, she doesn't want corrective surgery. At 10, she says, "My arm is part of what makes me who I am. If somebody makes rude comments, it's kind of annoying. But it makes it a lot easier to see who my real friends are."
She may have a different take on it in five years. But her sense of self has already been tested, and she's passed her own test, not someone else's. Her "defect" has been a remarkable asset, an invaluable lesson in accepting herself, as-is.
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Nothing Wrong With Kids Going Under the Knife
by Jo KidenteFrom the time I was about 13, the question wasn't if I was going to get a nose job, the question was when.
My "sob story," however, isn't exactly in sync with the typical teen-plastic-surgery-tale we often hear on talk shows. I wasn't bullied. No one called me Pinocchio. No one made me cry. No one even called me ugly.
But, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a massive bump on my nose. It was the focal point of my face and it was the focal point of my thoughts. I was self-conscious all of the time.
In conversation, I would always try to maneuver so that the person was looking at me straight-on, since my profile was really the killer. God forbid I was ever the victim of a candid photo taken from the side, I'd rip the picture to shreds.
I read every "tips and tricks to make your nose look smaller" article in every beauty magazine I could find. But, the reality was, no amount of grey eye shadow or fancy shading technique would visibly reduce the size of the honker on my face.
I didn't need bullies to make me feel badly about myself; all it took was the mirror. I didn't feel feminine and I didn't feel pretty.
My mom constantly tried to boost my confidence. She told me (and still tells me) that I am beautiful, and she always made sure I knew how perfect I was. According to her, I'm not just smart, I'm brilliant. I'm not just able to carry a tune, I'm the next American Idol. The list goes on.
But, she couldn't lie to me. She couldn't say, "the bump on your nose is barely noticeable," because again, the mirror held the truth. All she could do to make me feel better was allow me to fix the problem. So, the solution was simple: Get a nose job.
And when I was 15, I did.
The reactions I got from my friends ranged from outraged to supportive. I heard the classic: "it only matters what's on the inside," countless times. My theory is that there are two kinds of people who say that:
1. People who are generally attractive and don't know what it's like to feel unattractive.
2. People who are helplessly unattractive -- so they say it to make themselves feel better, but secretly wish they were a contestant on "Extreme Makeover."
Of course, the inside does matter. But, appearance certainly weighs on confidence and anyone who denies that is only lying to themselves. It isn't superficial -- it's human nature.
Another popular reaction I got was that I should be happy with what God gave me, and that I shouldn't alter my appearance.
Not to spark a religious debate, but God didn't give me my nose. Unfortunate genetics and a family history of large noses gave me my nose. I am almost certain that there is no higher power who placed a bump on my nose for some deeper meaning that us humans cannot understand.
To those naysayers I responded, "Oh, I shouldn't alter my appearance? Then you shouldn't either -- quit waxing your eyebrows and let that unibrow grow in."
Obviously, plastic surgery is riskier and more expensive than eyebrow waxing, but the principle is the same: We all want to look good and feel about about ourselves. The only difference, is that my insecurity couldn't be fixed with a strip of wax.
When the bruises healed, so did my ego. Suddenly, sunglasses shopping became fun and my camera phobia disappeared. The mirror was no longer my enemy. I don't wake up everyday thinking about how awesome my nose is, but even better: I don't think about it at all.
My nose does what it's supposed to do now: It blends in with my face ... and smells things.
I know that I am so fortunate to have parents who could afford the surgery and supported me both financially and emotionally. For that, I am beyond thankful. So, if I become a parent, I will have the same attitude on the subject that my parents did. I can only pray that my kid isn't cursed with my pre-surgery nose. Although, praying won't do any good, because, of course -- God has nothing to do with it.
Jo Parente and Jo Kidente are ParentDish noms de plume, or pen names, used by female members of our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
1-28-2011 @ 8:05PM
Gabrielle said...We need to build their self-esteem, not let then have surgery b/c they are not perfect! As a teen they have not fully grown into their faces... After 21-25 when she's old enough to have fully grown into her body she can maturely make her own choices. Kids & teens can be harsh to each other.... Running & changing who you are over it is not fixing the problem at all.
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2-01-2011 @ 8:24PM
Audrey said...As long Http://www.cosmeticsurgerysecrets.info it is a safe surgery, I don't see why not.
1-27-2011 @ 2:43PM
Lauren said...Wow, I really liked both of these articles! While the first one is better in my opinion, reminding people of the other little things they do to beautify themselves is an excellent point as well.
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1-28-2011 @ 2:37PM
Alicia said...You know, I'd usually say that plastic surgery in teenagers is a sickening trend, but after that article a few weeks ago about the fifteen year old who broke her own nose because her mother denied her surgery, I think in some cases it might be okay. If your child is desperate enough to cause themselves serious physical harm to get what they want, then maybe surgery and a good, heady dose of therapy are in order. As just a casual thing, let kids wait until they're 18 or older and don't need to be signed for and can afford it themselves.
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1-31-2011 @ 10:13PM
Heather said...Thinking about the incredible-looking women I know or have seen, who happen to have big noses. Wonder what makes some of them able to wear their noses, and not the other way around, because I think they're beautiful.
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2-01-2011 @ 10:55AM
Leigh said...As a mother who has parented two young women through their teens, I have to say I am 100% behind Jo Parente on this one.
The truth is, the pressure on girls and women to conform to someone else's idea of beauty is nearly soul-crushing as it is. When a mother tacitly joins the ranks of the oppressors by agreeing that yes, major surgery is required, the message she's sending is that the bullies, the photoshopped magazines, the media--they're right! You're NOT good enough just the way you are! You need to be IMPROVED, stat!
And the truth is something we learn as we get older--that the bullies, the magazines and the media lie. The standard is impossible to achieve.
More than that, though, we realize as we get older, that this impossible standard is absolutely meaningless. We are more than our breasts, our noses, our butts or our thighs. Our worth can't be found there.
Great articles.
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2-01-2011 @ 8:22PM
Mary Anne said...This society has become so vain! No one should have plastic surgery unless it is to correct a true deformity, to repair damage from an accident or to do reconstruction following cancer surgery.
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2-01-2011 @ 8:25PM
realbeyout said...LOL Jo Kidente thinks she knows what she's talking about! I had a good laugh on that one. And I applaud in agreement with Jo Parente. Good article.
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2-01-2011 @ 8:49PM
Kelly said...Although I liked both articles, I wish I knew what the girl who tried to break her own nose looked like. Is it just an issue of wanting to look 'better", or did she have something really hideous. If it is a huge, bulbous, hideous nose, then I don't really see it being any different than say a cleft lip - functional yet ugly.
I don't think 15 year olds should be deciding on plastic surgery for things like bigger breasts and "prettier" parts, but I do think if you have something that is really influencing who you can be i.e. you are known as the "that nose girl" or something like that, then deciding together with your child to fix the problem isn't all that bad.
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2-01-2011 @ 8:54PM
Kelly said...Oh, and, for the woman who's 10 year old has a birth defect on her arm, yes, you should be very proud of her, but let's face it, a deformity on your arm is far different than something on your face. Again, would like to know just how bad the nose in question was.......
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2-01-2011 @ 9:02PM
Jerome Crosson said...Corrective surgery - OK. Elective surgery (such as a boob job for a 13 year old) - NO WAY ! Too many parents think they can make the world a perfect place for their already spoiled brats. They should spend their efforts learning how to become real parents.
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2-01-2011 @ 9:16PM
warren garrison said...Why don't you mothers wake up and try, if it's even possible, to reverse this trend of immorality in your daughters. Don't come back at me with something stupid like, "what about the fathers, what about what men have done, blah blah blah", it was your responsiblity to teach your daughters modesty, and instill in them character and integrity and help them be worth a damn as a wife and mother and I think I can safely say that NO MORE than 2 % of this worlds young women fall into that category. This is a repeat of what I've written over and over and i"ll keep writing the same thing as long as I try and go into my music programs to retrieve music for my stations and have YOUR daughters hit me up to come and watch them masturbate and play with themselves. Before I finally managed to block all of them on this one program I have where they came at me the very second I signed on, I asked the last little girl, "do you think maybe you might have been the one that turned this old guy on down the street, 62 years old that molested all 3 of his step daughters, the youngest being 7?" Or maybe you were the one that got the 29 year old going that molested a 12 year old around the corner from me. Of course they NEVER answer me and I have no idea if I caused them to start thinking but you mothers BETTER wake up, get your heads out of your butts and realize our danger isn't global warming, or the rain forest, or the killing of whales nearly as much as it is what is happening world wide on this inter net like a horrible disease and most of you are completely oblivious of it. And if I hear one of those smart ass comments that imply i need meds or hate women, you fall into the category of ultimate stupidity and rebellion and it will come back to bite you in your rebellious ass, I assure you!!!.
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2-01-2011 @ 10:10PM
Juls said...You are an ass-Sure, let's not blame anything on half of the population. Fathers are not responsible for any wrong doing with their children. Let's blame it all on Women. I hope you have no children.
2-09-2011 @ 6:34PM
Alicia said...Why should mothers force their daughters to think about women as only good as wives and mothers? Stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. Girls ought to care about being worth a damn as people: charitable, hard workers, intelligent, worthy employees, creative, entrepreneurial, ambitious, focused, educated, kind, friendly, empathetic, helpful, useful. Who cares whether or not girls get married or have kids? "Wife and mother" should be just one more description to add to a resume of "wonderful person."
2-01-2011 @ 9:39PM
KWEENBEENEMESIS said...I'm with Jo Parente. We live in a society of simulacrum, no one knows what it means to have reality and be ok with it. We want fake perceived perfection. This doesn't teach children anything, except to hate themselves, resulting in not being able to "live in their skin". Self-esteem comes from a very early age and it comes by learning to value who they are not what they are, such as, appearance, clothes, make-up, hair etc. All of those things are superficial.
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2-01-2011 @ 10:13PM
DrRobert said...What only so they can look like Joan Rivers by the time they're 20 years old?
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2-01-2011 @ 11:28PM
Val said...I have no problem with teens getting plastic surgery to correct something that is truly bothering them. I was bullied about my big nose (genetics weren't very kind and also it had been broken and never set) and it took me threatening suicide to get it fixed. I was envious when a friend of ours offered her daughter a nose job without the girl even asking. It probably saved the child from low self esteem and pain. I don't however think that teenage girls need breast implants just because they aren't happy with an A or B cup. That is something I think they can wait to have done when they are able to pay for it themselves.
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2-01-2011 @ 11:58PM
Bailey J said...When I was 14 I accidentally ran into a glass door and broke my nose. I've always disliked my nose, it was very prominent and didn't fit my face well (I'm 1/16 Cherokee, so I had a very Cherokee nose but I have a really small face so it just looked strange). My parents allowed me to have rhinoplasty done over the summer, and I had turned 15 by then. Insurance covered the reconstruction of my broken nose and my parents only had to pay the plastic surgery part. I wasn't necessarily self-conscious of my nose, I just didn't like it. So there wasn't really a "gain" of self-confidence afterwards, and when I went back to school nobody really noticed.
The only other plastic surgery I would ever consider getting is possibly breast reduction. I'm very petite (5'3"), and my breast size is 34DD. I just look very top heavy, but I'm probably going to wait until I'm done having kids to get that done (if I have kids).
I'm okay with teenagers getting plastic surgery, but not if it's something drastic. If people can hardly tell, then it's fine. But if they come back from summer break and they look like Joan Rivers, that could pose a problem.
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2-01-2011 @ 11:56PM
Nancy said...I had a "nose job" when I was 17. I had finished growing. The world renowned surgeon wouldn't do elective surgery unless the patient had finished growing. I was taunted from the time I was 11 years old. It changed the way I looked at myself. I am 5'2" and had a nose larger that Barbara Streisand. I do believe that you should have a psychologist speak to you before this procedure is performed.
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2-02-2011 @ 2:32AM
They Call me big johnson said...A nose bigger than Barbara Streisand? She's 5' 5" and weights over 140 pounds. Please contact me asap as this would be a great addition to my K-9 dog search team. Thank you.