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Filed under: Opinions, Teen Culture, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens
If your teen doesn't feel pretty, does that justify plastic surgery? Illustration by Dori Hartley
Let My Kid Get Plastic Surgery? Not on My Watch
by Jo ParenteRecent news: A 15-year-old girl hates her appearance. She's being taunted about her nose, so she tries to break it by banging her face against a door. Her mother allows her to have plastic surgery and believes her daughter's self-esteem is much improved. Problem solved.
Uh, I doubt it. The ugliness here was never this child's (perfectly average) nose. The ugliness is the self-hatred that compelled her to try to crush her own face.
How did this young woman get to this point? What role did the school play in this? Who might she have become as an adult, had her parents insisted upon and helped her map a no-surgery route to healing her profoundly damaged self-worth?
We won't know. She won't know.
What happens when the bullies decide to start in on her ears? Or her breasts? Or her rear? Maybe the bullies simply stick with "fat" or "ugly." Then what?
It scares the hell out of me to see cosmetic surgery becoming a socially acceptable "quick fix" for poor self-esteem in the teen years. The numbers of teens flocking to plastic surgeons are mounting. "Nearly 90,000 teenagers had cosmetic surgery in 2007, and doctors say the numbers are growing," Good Morning America reports.
But at what cost (besides the already high price tag of elective surgery not covered by a family's health insurance)?
Let's put aside the scientific fact that the human body is not finished growing and shifting and setting until approximately 18 years of age. Let's even set aside the very real, very serious health risks of going under the knife (infection, scarring, blood clots, complications with anesthesia, death).
The average 15-year-old still has to be reminded to apply sunscreen and do her homework. The average 15-year-old is not a long-term thinker.
Ask a 15-year-old who smokes why she does it, and she might tell you it's easier than saying no. It feels good. Same goes for underage drinking, drugs, or sex. We were teens once. We know the drill. Teens like to feel good right here and right now, even when the long-term consequences are appalling. The quick fix is king.
It's not my job as a mother to teach quick fixes. It's not my job to keep my child happy at all costs. Life, quite frequently, sucks. The trick is to learn the tools to minimize the suck and maximize the beauty -- not the kind you find in a magazine.
It's my job to teach my child tools for sustainable, long-term living. I refuse to OK an otherwise healthy child's wish to drastically and permanently alter her appearance with a surgical procedure. This is in no way a sustainable, long-term method for dealing with haters. Bullies will come and go. It's my job to teach her to love and live with the one beautiful, unique constant: her.
As an adult, she can decide if surgery is the best option for her. I'll support her choice then, either way. But the bullies don't get to win this round, not while she's on my watch. Her self-hatred doesn't get to win this round, either. I support my child by not supporting her wish for a quick fix.
I'm talking elective surgery on children who are still barely grown into their bodies. I have no issue with cosmetic surgery for kids who've been in horrible disfiguring accidents, or reconstructive surgery for cleft palates and various birth defects. And I can certainly understand the desire and the wish to protect one's child from any unwanted attention, from any cruelty or bullying. My older daughter has a birth defect and subsequent scarring of her arm that's caused stares and unpleasant comments from children (and ignorant adults) since she was a month old. If she wanted reconstructive surgery, insurance would pay for it.
So far, she doesn't want corrective surgery. At 10, she says, "My arm is part of what makes me who I am. If somebody makes rude comments, it's kind of annoying. But it makes it a lot easier to see who my real friends are."
She may have a different take on it in five years. But her sense of self has already been tested, and she's passed her own test, not someone else's. Her "defect" has been a remarkable asset, an invaluable lesson in accepting herself, as-is.
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Nothing Wrong With Kids Going Under the Knife
by Jo KidenteFrom the time I was about 13, the question wasn't if I was going to get a nose job, the question was when.
My "sob story," however, isn't exactly in sync with the typical teen-plastic-surgery-tale we often hear on talk shows. I wasn't bullied. No one called me Pinocchio. No one made me cry. No one even called me ugly.
But, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a massive bump on my nose. It was the focal point of my face and it was the focal point of my thoughts. I was self-conscious all of the time.
In conversation, I would always try to maneuver so that the person was looking at me straight-on, since my profile was really the killer. God forbid I was ever the victim of a candid photo taken from the side, I'd rip the picture to shreds.
I read every "tips and tricks to make your nose look smaller" article in every beauty magazine I could find. But, the reality was, no amount of grey eye shadow or fancy shading technique would visibly reduce the size of the honker on my face.
I didn't need bullies to make me feel badly about myself; all it took was the mirror. I didn't feel feminine and I didn't feel pretty.
My mom constantly tried to boost my confidence. She told me (and still tells me) that I am beautiful, and she always made sure I knew how perfect I was. According to her, I'm not just smart, I'm brilliant. I'm not just able to carry a tune, I'm the next American Idol. The list goes on.
But, she couldn't lie to me. She couldn't say, "the bump on your nose is barely noticeable," because again, the mirror held the truth. All she could do to make me feel better was allow me to fix the problem. So, the solution was simple: Get a nose job.
And when I was 15, I did.
The reactions I got from my friends ranged from outraged to supportive. I heard the classic: "it only matters what's on the inside," countless times. My theory is that there are two kinds of people who say that:
1. People who are generally attractive and don't know what it's like to feel unattractive.
2. People who are helplessly unattractive -- so they say it to make themselves feel better, but secretly wish they were a contestant on "Extreme Makeover."
Of course, the inside does matter. But, appearance certainly weighs on confidence and anyone who denies that is only lying to themselves. It isn't superficial -- it's human nature.
Another popular reaction I got was that I should be happy with what God gave me, and that I shouldn't alter my appearance.
Not to spark a religious debate, but God didn't give me my nose. Unfortunate genetics and a family history of large noses gave me my nose. I am almost certain that there is no higher power who placed a bump on my nose for some deeper meaning that us humans cannot understand.
To those naysayers I responded, "Oh, I shouldn't alter my appearance? Then you shouldn't either -- quit waxing your eyebrows and let that unibrow grow in."
Obviously, plastic surgery is riskier and more expensive than eyebrow waxing, but the principle is the same: We all want to look good and feel about about ourselves. The only difference, is that my insecurity couldn't be fixed with a strip of wax.
When the bruises healed, so did my ego. Suddenly, sunglasses shopping became fun and my camera phobia disappeared. The mirror was no longer my enemy. I don't wake up everyday thinking about how awesome my nose is, but even better: I don't think about it at all.
My nose does what it's supposed to do now: It blends in with my face ... and smells things.
I know that I am so fortunate to have parents who could afford the surgery and supported me both financially and emotionally. For that, I am beyond thankful. So, if I become a parent, I will have the same attitude on the subject that my parents did. I can only pray that my kid isn't cursed with my pre-surgery nose. Although, praying won't do any good, because, of course -- God has nothing to do with it.
Jo Parente and Jo Kidente are ParentDish noms de plume, or pen names, used by female members of our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
2-02-2011 @ 12:08AM
gunner0361 said...They should be allowed...forced...to have plastic surgery if they are butt ugly, and real clock stoppers. I mean...if you cant take them to the mall without other shoppers thinking you found them alive when Dachau was liberated...then go ahead.
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2-02-2011 @ 12:15AM
smapplebee said...Plastic surgery for teens is a waste of money. If a teen needs surgery to have confidence, they better stay close to mommy and daddy They will never have the courage to compete as an adult. What happens if the surgery is a flop? More tears and expense.
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2-02-2011 @ 1:09AM
warren garrison said...Well JULS you did it anyway, you should have just remained quiet and people wouldn't have known how stupid you truly are. AND I didn't say half the population was lacking morality, read it again I said 98% or didn't you make it through math class? Again, you blind blind individual. Come on over here and sit your rebellious ass down, let me go into my music programs and instantaneously let's watch the young girls of today start bombarding me to come and watch them play with themselves, and IF you have a daughter, she'll probably be one of them from the way you talk. Open your stupid rebellious liberal eyes and try to see that we have a problem in society. Our news has been featuring "Sexting" but that's nothing compared to "Virtual" where as I said your kids are sitting in front of a web cam playing with themselves and you want me to believe that this is material for marriage, for raising children, for being a part of anything to do with society that require morals????? To think you could read my post and not be alarmed that in less than a quarter of a mile I have gotten 3 sex offender notices on my neighbors and this isn't some 18 yr. old kid that's had sex with a 16 or 17 year old, these are older men with little girls, one had 1500 photos of children INFANT TO 12 YEARS OLD. For you to read that and still come at me you are a damn fool!!!!!!
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2-02-2011 @ 1:16AM
Januali said...It all depends on the reason for the surgery and age of the patient. Since the averagae human body isnot fully grown until the early to mid 20s surgery for just cosmetic reasons...or vanity...is a no go in my mind. Now if a young person is in an accident and is badly disfigured with scars, then by all means surgery should be done if the young person agrees to it.
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2-02-2011 @ 1:48AM
JEB BUCKINGHAM said...I think teens should ONLY have plastic surgery to correct a physical deformity or some kind of physical disfigurement. NOT because everyone else is doing it, or because of VANITY!
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2-02-2011 @ 1:55AM
D said...Teens are still growing and changing. If the problem is preventing them from breathing, or eating or seeing or smelling properly, then it needs to be done. Otherwise just wait until they are fully grown, and many things can work themselves out naturally.
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2-02-2011 @ 3:22AM
Rachel said...I have an older sister who had very big lips for her face when she was younger. It overpowered the rest of it. It wasn't until she was at lest 18 that her jaw started to catch up to the rest of her face and matched her lips. Now people ask her if she is a model. Lots of things aren't done growing for girls, all the way into their early twenties, including jaw lines, hip widths, breast shape, and reasoning skills directly related to brain growth in their frontal cortex. When I was 10, My right pinkie finger was broken at the last joint, where it pointed inward toward the other fingers. It's not severe enough that the doctor thought it really needed to be corrected (he said that trying to correct could actually make it worse), but it wasn't minor either. It is noticeable, but some people notice, others people do not. As for myself, I rarely think about it, and I think that the reason why most people don't notice, is because I'm not self conscious about it. When I was twelve, I got the shingles (a person can get the shingles after having the chicken pox - most people eventually do, but not until they hit old age). It left a scar on the left side of my forehead up near the hair line. I don't think about it much either, and I usually have to point it out to people. I think the reason why they aren't quick to notice is because, again I'm not self conscious about it. In fact, I think of it like a beauty mark, and prefer to have it visible. The other reason why I think people don't tend to notice my scar is because I have rather an unusual coloring/shade of green eyes that are very pretty. So my advice is to forget about any defects, real or imagined, because looks can change, but you may also change your mind about your looks. Focus your attention to your attributes, and others will too!
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2-02-2011 @ 3:50AM
Ann said...No Teen's shouldn't get plastic surgery, unless they were in a horrible car accident that messed up their faces. That's what plastic surgery was intended for. It's all money making schemes now a days. Save you money. Vain isn't worth it. You can die on an operating table. Love yourself of how God created you.
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2-02-2011 @ 3:54AM
Paul said...The real beauty lies in the area from your nose to the back of your head. ...What's the old saw? "She's a beuty but doesn't have a brain."
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2-02-2011 @ 4:14AM
danny said...No,if they cant accept themselves as is,it is a decision to be made as an adult. As a child the decision may be made hastily. Perhaps some kid made a few cracks that a girls nose is too big and she took it personally. How many kids would want to run to Mommy and Daddy begging for plastic surgery to shut the other kid up. Be realistic. First of all,this story is primarily for the rich(I dont consider plastic surgery a cheap everyday type of procedure for most Americans yet),and for the vain and is primarily about spoiled brats and over nuturing parents.
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2-02-2011 @ 5:09AM
LillieFaerie said...Each case is individual and there are real reasons for plastic surgery, although I would opt to have my nose addressed by a board certified Otolaryngologist who is also board certified in facial plastics and reconstructive surgery-ya can locate them at major universities. For one, I want to breathe well besides look great, and the same would go for a kid having the surgery. I look at what Hollywood is putting forth as roll models and really the fakiness of things makes me want to vomit. Too much fixing can be repulsive. I would never think any woman would want to have breasts done until after childbearing is over and one with. Some people need correction, I went to school with 2 girls who were so breast heavy that it was a source for posture problems. One of my friends had a half inch indentation in her shoulder from her bra straps. I look at my grandchildren and see that they will not need plastic surgery for anything. They are lean, active and healthy, and look great. So much can be done by proper athletics, posture corrects so many things as does great nutrition, play, and people. Leave the plastics to those children who have defects in need of correction, like an ear bitten off by an animal, and needing replacement, or a cleft palate (which is a team effort with oral surgeons, orthodontists, plastic surgeons, etc.). Hate your looks? Visit the national parks and mountains, walk the trails, gather with strangers at ranger campfires, and find out that when the people from around the world see you, there's an acceptance of strangers somehow. Kind of a melding of new friends who don't judge you. Take a cruise, like Disney's and meet new people who may just end up friends for life. Go to a good store, salon, and reinvent your style, or design your own on paper and sew it yourself. Change the robe, not the what it covers. Practice some sort of reflection, yoga, meditation, prayer, journalize and grow that way. Plastics aren't necessarily going to make you feel any better about yourself, that takes a whole lot more work.
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2-02-2011 @ 5:33AM
tiffanie said...Well, I can't speak for all girls, but I know I still want the same procedures done from when I was 15 or 16. Some people are just born with disproportionate features, and it bothers them. These people who peddle that junk about it being superficial and look down on it- okay, so maybe it is. But, everyone deserves to be happy with their appearance.
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2-02-2011 @ 12:01PM
Sue said...There's a great book on the subject of how and when to undergo surgery like this -- info at http://teenageplasticsurgery.com
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