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My 13-Year-Old's Impulsive Behavior Drives Children and Teachers Crazy!
Filed under: Medical Conditions, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My ADHD son has impulse problems. He is 13 years old and his behavior drives other children away. His teachers are beyond frustrated. Any advice on what to do?
Signed,
Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated,
The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is the part of the brain behind the forehead that governs the inhibitory response in human beings. It creates a pause between having an impulse, and acting on it.
In the ADD-ish children and teens I've worked with, I almost always see up to a 30 percent developmental lag between a child's actual age and their PFC developmental function. In other words, while your child may officially be 13 years old, (and might be quite mature in some respects) he may be more like an 8 or 9-year-old when it comes to controlling his impulsive behavior.
Given how frequently he frustrates friends and teachers, he's probably highly sensitive to feeling scolded or reined in by those who try to force him to "act his age." Any effort you make to teach him how to behave more appropriately will have to come across as helpful rather than critical or shaming.
Here's my advice:
• Make sure your child sees you as his ally and champion, rather than a source of non-stop criticism. The more he feels safe to confide in you, the more receptive he'll be to asking for better strategies when he gets into trouble or alienates a new friend.
• Give your son plenty of opportunity to participate in activities he loves that come easily to him and fuel his self-confidence (other than video games or TV). Many impulsive children feel they're constantly failing or disappointing others, which keeps them in a state of stress that fuels their misbehavior.
• Make sure your teen is getting plenty of sleep, good nutrition, fish oils, and lots of time out in nature. All these elements have been proven to help ADD-ish children function better and are especially important when you fold adolescent hormones into the mix!
• Role play alternative approaches he can take when he's feeling restless in class and tempted to become disruptive, or when he becomes impatient with a friend and feels like saying something mean. Repeated practice -- in small doses -- often helps impulsive children stretch out that pause between wanting to do something and deciding it's not a good idea.
As frustrating as it is to have to deal with your son's mishaps, the more you accept him as is -- rather than comparing him to what I call your ideal, "snapshot child" -- the better able you'll be to gradually help him try new ways of interacting with friends more patiently, or holding his tongue in class when he feels the urge to blurt something out.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 4)
2-20-2011 @ 6:51AM
Lois Nickell said...Give the kid high doses of DHA found in fish oil and after 4 or 5 months he wont have a problem with ADHD. To bad Big Pharma wont tell you this.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 9:22AM
mani said...sugar is also no good
2-20-2011 @ 6:40PM
Ann said...We tried the fish oil treatment. It isn't what people want to believe it is. I still give my son supplements, but we've learned that it isn't a "cure" for this very real disorder. My son is a very intelligent ADHD child. Because he maintains a 4.0 average, the school refused to add his ADHD dx to his IEP (which was already in place for his gifted status.) Our struggles were nearly always with behavior - which even his teachers would admit was reactive and impulsive. As I said, we tried fish oil. We tried other "natural remedies." Some of the herbal type actually made him MORE impulsive. I saw little to no difference with the fish oil. What DID make a big difference was the second ADHD medication we put him on (the first helped with home life, but not so much with school.) The one that works best for him may not be the same med that works best for other children. I will say that it does not make him "drugged" at all. In fact, it does the opposite. When on his med, he can think things through before he acts.
2-20-2011 @ 12:31PM
Cherokee said...Hun, you are so right about the pharmaceutical companies ! It's the same with a cancer treatment. There's so many natural things that work but they won't give up the almighty dollar from the chemical garbage they push.
2-20-2011 @ 1:22PM
ps said...Thank you for your comment, it gives me hope!! Two questions please, does my child still take their ADHD meds while waiting for the benefits of this fish oil to kick in? How does this help the portion of the brain that is underdeveloped? Thank you SO much!!
2-20-2011 @ 1:51PM
Carol said...Check out the video of a Peditrician on this website. It's time we start ignorning the natural ways to help these kids! How can any parent sanction Ridiln (a narcotic) to something natural and in such a small dose.
Gook Luck with your son.
www.michigancompassionclubnetwork.com
10-13-2011 @ 1:24PM
Colleen said...Ritalin is not a narcotic it is a stimulant. No narcotic properties at all. it is a controlled substance because it has a high risk of addication and abuse ( like some narcotics ). The medications can work BUT the underlying behavior needs to be worked on or else you are just giving the child a crutch and i really think behavior modification and understanding would go a long way to keeping children off of medication as well school is just not geared very well for the active and often implusive child.
2-20-2011 @ 7:22AM
freddyeddyr said...13 going through puberty, hormones sexual maturity growth, This can be a painfully distracting time in our lives especially if the doctor cut too much nerve and flesh off of our prepuce at birth. During puberty, mine even ripped open at the tip causing me to attempt suicide several times. He'll be too embarrassed to talk about it and won't even know that it's abnormal. Statistically almost all cases of ADD and ADHD are RIC victims. Of corse, the procircs in the medical community are in denial and do their best to keep it covered up. If you can keep up the possitive reenforcement until his late twenties, his brain will have time to develop savantism to overcome the missing sensors that were excised.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 1:28PM
Mom who has been there said...My son is ADD age 13 was horrible. Kids who are ADD are targets for bullies. Bullies know the buttons to push and the sneaky ones are the worst. A kid with ADD have difficulties with loud noisy situations and other kids catch on to this. So they will yell in their ears, or get in their faces. This would cause my son to react. His socalled best friend was the worst, he knew the things that set him off and he would get others to join in. Unfortunately many of the teachers did not see this. In the classroom when the teacher faced the board one kid would call my son's name. My son ignored it until he would turn. The moment he would turn around this other kid would yell out,,, So and So stop bothering me.. so guess who got in trouble. Thankfully some teachers did catch on to this. What saved him was sports. He is now in high school, being with older athletes on his team helped him feel secure and their praise and corrections helped him. He is now 16, guidance and sped teachers are astonished on how much he has matured since 8th grade. He is now more focused on his school work, sports and the ideas of college. As far as the bullies well they dont bother him because he has learned to stand up for himself and he has a group of NEW friends who have his back. He now is there for the kids who are picked on and have difficulties. So dont blame the kid who has the problem, blame the students who use his problem against him and the teachers who would rather ignore the situation and put the blame on the student with ADD. As a teacher I have had my say with these socalled professionals and some now have a different attitude especially now that some of their children are having the same issues.
7-12-2011 @ 9:53AM
halmin said...Neither of my two sons are circumcised. Both have been diagnosed with severe ADHD.
2-20-2011 @ 7:45AM
lynne said...See if you can find a social skills class in your area. It may be run by psychiatrists or psychologists. They work with a small group of kids about the same age on how to deal with the frustration, stress, etc in more socially acceptable ways. It helps if your child can see he's not the only one struggling with the problem and the other kids can act as support for them helping to defray those rough moments.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 7:25AM
mike said...hello . i am not going to pretend that i know what is wrong with your son i dont . . i was one of those kids , mine was because of a verity of reasons ,easily frustrasited when something did not go my way or work when it was supposed to , disappointed easly , having issues that i still never discuss but learned to deal with . depends how the brain is wired . in my caase thirty years later i am 36 today i am not free with some information . learned to deal with it accept that things happen . mine was not a singular cause . neither is his cant be . you may find something that is a is in part . give him tasks to do everyday for a couple hours , something constructive usually . keep him to a scedule , and force him too do it make him concentrate on a singular task and finish it . dont let him do it half asked . make him do till completion . make it a habbit the reward system did nt work with me made me worse . stay away from that it is not good . find a mentor that can be stable emotionally preffably a man . that is willing to teach a verity of diffrent things . my mother , teachers , counslers could nt stop me then either . your kid has potential to be a good adult ,hes at the point now that lead by exsample may work best in some cases but still needs structure.
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2-20-2011 @ 9:48AM
Pam said...Deear Frustrated Mom,
I have been there...my son's symptons started at 3 and continue...however, he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD...later, his doctor believed he was misdiagnosed...he has Astburbers Disorder...and knowing that, making appropriate changes in his meds and education...we is now about the granduate from High school...My son was kicked out of daycares, schools thruough his whole lief until finally he was properly diagnosed and was put into a class room of all Asburgers students...it was a success, his social behavior calmed down, his grades went up to a and b's...Asburger children do not process social cues like we do and they don't process new information like we do...instead of connecting a to b...they connect a to c to d then finally to b...they are smart but their brain just does work the same way...please check into it...there are tests...Good luck...Pam
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 9:54AM
tj said...When are these annoying sales blogs going to end? These people remind me of those cars in the supermarket parking lot with their trunks open, showing all of those "super" bargains. Yesterday I barely got out of the car parts store before some idiot tried to spray me with cologne to show me how good it smells. he came close to having his "smeller" flattened.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:09AM
J V L said...When are these annoying sales pitches going to end? When AOL grows a pair and enforces its own TOS.
Doesn't anyone think it odd that opinion posters get TOS-ed for one "offensive" word (by whose definition? AOL's), but these guys put out mass mailers--a clear violation of TOS--and come back time after time.
Their hawking websites and other stuff makes money for AOL, and THAT's why they aren't getting weeded out.
2-20-2011 @ 10:04AM
J V L said...If your son is ADHD and is frustrating his teachers, then you need to be speaking to administrators about the teacher's lack of training in the special needs of your child.
Your child SHOULD have a 504 plan in place. That places his educational needs and program under the umbrella of the special education litigation without labeling him as learning disabled. It gives SPECIFIC guidelines as to how his classroom discipline is handled (without forever sending him to the office or restricting his recess, which he needs as much or more than other children!).
As a 43 year veteran teacher and the mother of an ADHD boy myself, I can assure you that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Around puberty, the condition tends to attenuate in MOST boys.
But do NOT allow the mediocrity of the public education system to drive your son to despair. And peers who don't understand his condition need to be advised of it. Would you allow your son to be ostracized because he wears glasses? Is in a wheelchair? Has a broken arm? No. So, don't let the school system let your child down. Look up TASK on the Internet. It is a task force to protect the rights of special needs children.
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2-20-2011 @ 10:08AM
sunny said...Yay!! My thoughts exactly.. WELL SAID!
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:10AM
Hattie Crabtree said...He has friends?? wow
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:29AM
Howard said...I drive a school bus and have experienced almost any type of behavior that the american psychological society diagnostic cummunity can dream of. I have learned that these labels we put on kids are just that nothing but labels. The kids that just don't appear to fit the mold get reprimanded from the time they awake in the morning till they go to sleep. If you were reprimanded all day you would act out too. These children are individuals trying to find who and what they are. Unfortunatley most of are institutions aren't set up to handle unique people rather we spend are efforts to make them fit the mold. The article is correct as to things we can do to help these kids find there place. However that takes time effort and money. I have seen over time that most of these kids when given respect and time to help them realize that they are special individuals will become just that. It takes time effort and patience but the results can be beyond belief. To help you mom read biagraphies of people that have given the world some of its greatest achievments and you will see that today the mental health community would place a label on them
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2-20-2011 @ 10:12AM
Laurie said...Sugar, food coloring, additives, artificial anything need to be eliminated from the diet of children with ADD and ADHD...It really makes a difference.
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