Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Mom In Labor During Tornado: 'I Opened My Eyes And I Could See Out…
Christie O. Tate: I Love and Welcome My Daugther's Rage
My 13-Year-Old's Impulsive Behavior Drives Children and Teachers Crazy!
Filed under: Medical Conditions, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My ADHD son has impulse problems. He is 13 years old and his behavior drives other children away. His teachers are beyond frustrated. Any advice on what to do?
Signed,
Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated,
The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is the part of the brain behind the forehead that governs the inhibitory response in human beings. It creates a pause between having an impulse, and acting on it.
In the ADD-ish children and teens I've worked with, I almost always see up to a 30 percent developmental lag between a child's actual age and their PFC developmental function. In other words, while your child may officially be 13 years old, (and might be quite mature in some respects) he may be more like an 8 or 9-year-old when it comes to controlling his impulsive behavior.
Given how frequently he frustrates friends and teachers, he's probably highly sensitive to feeling scolded or reined in by those who try to force him to "act his age." Any effort you make to teach him how to behave more appropriately will have to come across as helpful rather than critical or shaming.
Here's my advice:
• Make sure your child sees you as his ally and champion, rather than a source of non-stop criticism. The more he feels safe to confide in you, the more receptive he'll be to asking for better strategies when he gets into trouble or alienates a new friend.
• Give your son plenty of opportunity to participate in activities he loves that come easily to him and fuel his self-confidence (other than video games or TV). Many impulsive children feel they're constantly failing or disappointing others, which keeps them in a state of stress that fuels their misbehavior.
• Make sure your teen is getting plenty of sleep, good nutrition, fish oils, and lots of time out in nature. All these elements have been proven to help ADD-ish children function better and are especially important when you fold adolescent hormones into the mix!
• Role play alternative approaches he can take when he's feeling restless in class and tempted to become disruptive, or when he becomes impatient with a friend and feels like saying something mean. Repeated practice -- in small doses -- often helps impulsive children stretch out that pause between wanting to do something and deciding it's not a good idea.
As frustrating as it is to have to deal with your son's mishaps, the more you accept him as is -- rather than comparing him to what I call your ideal, "snapshot child" -- the better able you'll be to gradually help him try new ways of interacting with friends more patiently, or holding his tongue in class when he feels the urge to blurt something out.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Want to get the latest ParentDish news and advice? Sign up for our newsletter!
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
- Federal reserve board of governors appointments ( understanding owning a tv image )
- If a governor or former military general was not on tv you you believe he was if you were told
- What's the penalty for falsley claiming relation to a person does it have to be for monetary gain or proven not just a social gesture
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Could Your Child Be a Bully? From Carrie Goldman
Author of Bullied and parenting expert Carrie Goldman gives valuable advice on how to recognize signs that your child might be bullying other children, and how to step in and change that behavior. Part of the series Mondays with Marlo on MarloThomas.com.
-
New Hampshire Expert Offers Advice on How to Talk to Children About Tragedy
When tragedy strikes, it can be difficult to know how to talk to your children about it. Joann Cobb of New Hampshire Child and Family Services gives some advice.
-
Why Do Children Lie?
Why do children lie? We look at some of the different types of lies children tell, and the possible reasons behind them, with advice on what to do if your child lies, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
-
How to Communicate with Children About Disasters
Tragic events around the globe and at home can have a powerful affect on children. We offer some helpful advice on how to communicate with children and adolescents during times of crisis.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 2 of 4)
2-20-2011 @ 10:37AM
tom said...Maybe he's driving everyone crazy because he is just an obnoxious kid.........
you meant to type "I hope he gets all the help he needs!" E-mail me at tsherid6@aol.com
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:23AM
paul loucks said...A teapoon of Epsom salts will test him for magnesium deficiency, which is identical to ADHD symptoms.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:31AM
grandmaof1 said...7 yr old g-son has all of the above & then some. He has been kicked out of t-ball, swim class, pre-school, 2 schools, off the bus, out of chuckie cheese. Oh! and an airport. People see him coming and they hang a clove of garlic around their necks and sprinkle themselves with holy water. Spanking made him worse so don't think we are push overs. My daughter has found that structure, explaination of things, board games, sleep, praise, & contact with teachers, little gifts for the bus driver, (LOL) has done more than the med's they wanted to put him on.
However, there are still occasions he is like a fly sprayed with raid! When he has a problem we role play with him so he can see proper ways to handle things. He has a problem taking responsibility & not blaming others (which I think is normal at this age) We make sure we actually stage incidents where he hears us apologize to others or take the blame for something gone wrong. He see's it is OK and he is OK and a wonderful little boy. I feel very sorry for those that don't have large family support as this has been a full time job for the entire family but I think we are making progress. We have found he likes to paint & is quite good at it. Also, good at lego's. He does not play computer games and TV is very limited. If you have a child like this you have my empathy. Looking back I don't know how we made it but he has brought our family closer together. He is the light of my life out of 12 grandkids, even though he can be a real pain in the A@#
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 2:52PM
ann said...Your ignorance is showing.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:46AM
Stacey said...MAYBE YOUR JUST AN OBNOXIOUS ADULT...
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:44AM
Mary said...I teach and have some students who are diagnosed with ADHD. Our school counselor said, "There is a VERY fine line between ADHD and manipulation. Some students and parents use this diagnosis as an excuse for negative behavior."
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 1:46PM
jem said...I think that you and your school counselor need to go back and get proper training in the subject of ADD and ADHD. It is so much more than you could ever imagine!
2-20-2011 @ 10:46AM
Stacey said...Feel free to take one of these kids for a weekend so you can "cure" them. As parents, we'd be thrilled to death to not have to deal with this stuff.
Reply
2-21-2011 @ 8:32PM
Joyce Frisby said...My grandson, whose mother insisted he take ritalin when he was younger, was misunderstood. He is so intelligent he knew right away what his class was going to study, would learn everything in a few minutes, and then act up because he was bored. I was furious when they gave him ritalin as it turned him into a zombie for awhile. He is so smart he rated #2 in the nation in mathematics during placement tests. He gets As in everything he takes at the university, works full time, is married with 4 children now and goes to school full time. He has a sister just as smart but never had problems like him.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:09AM
Megan said...A.D.H.D is a real medical problem, I feel sorry for him. I was diagnosed with it when I was 7 or 8 and I'm 25 now. I know that doctors over diagnose it now but when they are right, taking the medication can really help the child. It's so annoying hearing other people like "K" and "Sunny" who say we're just obnoxious kids who can't behave in the real world when in reality our bodies chemistry just won't let us. It's heart breaking sitting in class and wondering why you can't sit still when everyone else can. This isn't something you can exactly control, people who don't have this learning disability won't ever understand how it feels. Or for some stuck up people in the world, won't even try to understand because they don't believe the problem is really there. The only obnoxious people I see are the ones who don't believe this problem exists and therefore are harming their children even more by not getting them the help they need.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:19AM
erj210 said...I am going to say this? Did this woman start treating her kid differently when he was diagnosed with ADHD. I worked child care, I've seen my peer with kids who they claim have ADHD, I am going to tell you, the biggest thing with any mental disease is that parents have the tendency to not discipline their kids, in fact they have the tenancy to encourage their children's behavior by only responding to them when they get in fits. She probably also defends his actions to his teachers. I'm telling you, I'm glad I am not an education major. My sister though is a coach dealing with the same crap I use to. She says the same things, she deals with these kids who act up all day long, and at the end of the day when they learn nothing, the parents yell at her.
Just because you kid has some problem doesn't mean you stop punishing them, that just makes it worst. They wanted to diagnose me with ADHD, and you know what, my parents never stopped disciplining me, and I'm better off for it.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:36AM
arterrainc said...Stay away from pesticides! Pesticides are neuro-toxins that affect the brain. Most are odorless & colorless and used everywhere - in schools, businesses, grocery stores, malls, even hospitals. There is direct scientific link between pesticides and ADHD. Demand that wherever your son is in school NOT use toxic, synthetic chemicals! The best solution is Greenbug All Natural Pet Control Products. They work and they are safe. I am so glad I found them!!! The website is greenbugallnatural and everything they have works, smells good, and cannot hurt humans, animals or the environment.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:37AM
aurora said...what do you do when a son like mine is 45 years old they did not have any type of meds for him as he was growing up . he has a problem just holding on to a job because of his condition . is there any kind of meds for him at this age?
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:37AM
susan said...I agree with Sunny...some kids are just obnoxious, and would rather believe their child has a brain disorder and pump them full of drugs rather than admit they raised a bully or a brat.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:46AM
Evang8205 said...Give the kid a break....there's nothing he can do to change this.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:45AM
Sun said...Just have him to be homeschool and problem is solved. Good luck
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 11:56AM
Marilyn said...Get the kid (and yourself) some professional help. ADD is a neurological disorder and should be treated and understood as such.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 12:02PM
Dr. Stasior said...Impulsive behaviors reflect inconsistent Inhibitory Control -- the ability to stop a particular activity or response. Inhibitory Control is one of three Executive Control functions that include: Inhibitory Control, Working Memory, and Cognitive Flexibility.
In our Child Development Network practice in Lexington, MA (www.CDNKids.com), we have been using a non-medication, evidence-based, computerized training program designed by leading neuroscientists to improve inhibitory control and working memory capacity over a 5 week training period.
This program, called Cogmed Working Memory Training (www.Cogmed.com), has 10-years of proven effectiveness published in leading scientific journals. We also presented the results of our patients' progress at the International Neuropsychological Society annual meeting earlier this month.
I encourage parents whose children struggle with these difficulties to learn more about non-medication options available recommended by the American Academy of Pediatric such as Cogmed.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 12:06PM
Fred said...The special education/ medication octopus has education in America by the throat. Trying to manage a class, provide challenging work, and mover forward through the curriculm is nearly impossible with all of the "special needs" you are supposed to "accomodate". IT IS NOTHING LESS THAN RIDICULOUS. The only way to really get anywhere is to teach at a low level so everyone passes and then you do not get called on the carpet. I have not given in yet, but the pressure is there every day. Most of these kids, with the phony alphabet soup acronyms, lack a father figure that spends time with them, guiding them, training them, disciplining them. Once the kids are "diagnosed" they live up to the symptoms and become convinced that they are "that way" and they can't help it. Yes, I am a teacher.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 1:41PM
Digused by teachers who wont teach said...Are you kidding me?? Teach at a lower level? Many students who are ADD or ADHD are probably more intelligent that you are. You claim to be a teacher, sorry its time for you to retire. I am a teacher and I do have students who are ADD or ADHD it doesnt mean they are unable to learn or cannot learn, It means that they learn differently. As a teacher it means you need to do your job better. As a teacher I look for ways to for my students to understand my lesson and to help students who need that additional help. My son if ADD and I listened to half of his teachers and followed their advise he would be in lower level learning classes and not be able to go to college. You call yourself an educator? It is teachers like you who give GOOD teachers a bad name. If you dont want to do the job then leave and make room for someone who wants to teach.