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My 13-Year-Old's Impulsive Behavior Drives Children and Teachers Crazy!
Filed under: Medical Conditions, Expert Advice: Teens
Dear AdviceMama,
My ADHD son has impulse problems. He is 13 years old and his behavior drives other children away. His teachers are beyond frustrated. Any advice on what to do?
Signed,
Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated,
The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is the part of the brain behind the forehead that governs the inhibitory response in human beings. It creates a pause between having an impulse, and acting on it.
In the ADD-ish children and teens I've worked with, I almost always see up to a 30 percent developmental lag between a child's actual age and their PFC developmental function. In other words, while your child may officially be 13 years old, (and might be quite mature in some respects) he may be more like an 8 or 9-year-old when it comes to controlling his impulsive behavior.
Given how frequently he frustrates friends and teachers, he's probably highly sensitive to feeling scolded or reined in by those who try to force him to "act his age." Any effort you make to teach him how to behave more appropriately will have to come across as helpful rather than critical or shaming.
Here's my advice:
• Make sure your child sees you as his ally and champion, rather than a source of non-stop criticism. The more he feels safe to confide in you, the more receptive he'll be to asking for better strategies when he gets into trouble or alienates a new friend.
• Give your son plenty of opportunity to participate in activities he loves that come easily to him and fuel his self-confidence (other than video games or TV). Many impulsive children feel they're constantly failing or disappointing others, which keeps them in a state of stress that fuels their misbehavior.
• Make sure your teen is getting plenty of sleep, good nutrition, fish oils, and lots of time out in nature. All these elements have been proven to help ADD-ish children function better and are especially important when you fold adolescent hormones into the mix!
• Role play alternative approaches he can take when he's feeling restless in class and tempted to become disruptive, or when he becomes impatient with a friend and feels like saying something mean. Repeated practice -- in small doses -- often helps impulsive children stretch out that pause between wanting to do something and deciding it's not a good idea.
As frustrating as it is to have to deal with your son's mishaps, the more you accept him as is -- rather than comparing him to what I call your ideal, "snapshot child" -- the better able you'll be to gradually help him try new ways of interacting with friends more patiently, or holding his tongue in class when he feels the urge to blurt something out.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 4)
2-20-2011 @ 2:36PM
Lynn said...As a parent of a ADHD child, he is now an adult, in my opinion parents use "its his/her disability" as an excuse for bad behavior both in and out of the classroom. In raising my son he was expected to follow the rules just like everyone else and yes he was medicated with Ritalin. Just as someone takes medication for depression why would someone not medicate for ADHD? I for one was glad to have the medication so he could focus on his schoolwork and function. Today he is on meds for bi-polar disorder
and lives in his own and is going to college.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 2:38PM
ronald said...give him the paddles that'll make him think of his impulses
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 2:49PM
mike hylton said...psycho babble,,,, why the heck didnt i go to school with kids with these problems inthe 50s or 60s? i'll tell you why , we were told to shut up sit still and mind, we did it because of the fear of disipline at school and at home for being a disturbance,, but today oh no it's not the kids just acting up,, we have experts that in their own finicial interest who have created a medical cause for misbehaving, and who push the meds to help solve a nonexistant problem,, oh i know im ignorant, uninformed, mean, untrained, blah blah blah,,, save it , just keep making excuses for your kids,, it's working right???
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 2:53PM
mikehuntsonfire said...Does he like to do drawrings?
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 8:48PM
Lauren said...Or those were the kids sent to the special classes. They just have different ways of categorizing the kids now and different methods of dealing with them. There isn't an increase in the amount of kids with these disorders, just everyone is more aware of them now. It is true that a lot of kids that are diagnosed with this disorder are misdiagnosed because only about 1% of kids actually have it.
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 9:56PM
Jon said...I hope the mother of this 13 year old gets some help. Sounds more complicated than it needs to be. Try taking him fishing or play the "go fish" card game instead of trying to get him to swallow fish oil. I "clicked" on the Encouraging Good Grocery Store Behavior Video. I don't ever remember laughing so hard at something. I called my wife and teenagers over to the computer to watch it and they got a huge laugh with it too! We never went through those ridiculous theatrics and "coddle the toddler" games, and neither did my parents. Going to the store was fun as a child, but I also knew the A&P had "the room" behind the swinging doors to make any quick corrections if I didn't listen. I spent more time watching this hilarious vid and adding this comment than I ever spent in "the room" as a child or a parent. Good luck to you 1960's - types! You'll need it!
Reply
2-20-2011 @ 10:28PM
maxie said...Have you heard of essential tremor? My son took Ritalin for years and was mis-diagnosed when in fact he has essential tremor inherited from my familys history. March of 2011 is Essential Tremor Awareness Month just passed by Congressmen.1 million of us have a restless tremor and uncontrolable body at times. Many children have this also and neurologists are finally learning what it is. please ck out www.essentialtremor.com or contact National Institute of Neurology, Bethesda, Maryland
Reply
2-21-2011 @ 12:19AM
Marilyn said...This article is WORTHLESS. ADD-ish? What the devil is that???? If a child has ADD, he has a neurological disorder and this mother needs professional guidance from a doctor.
Reply
2-22-2011 @ 9:22AM
Christopher said...Here are a couple of strategies: Mercury is implicated in neurological damage. It can come from vaccines, contact lens solutions, cosmetics, fish & seafood, dental amalgam silver fillings, funeral homes where cremation is done, crops that have had sewage sludge put on them as 'fertilizer', flourescent light bulbs, many sources too numerous to list. There are various methods for testing. One is called mercury speciation testing by www.quicksilverscientific.com. This company also sells nutritional supplements that gently help the body eliminate the mercury.
Another strategy that helps brain development is Brain Gym exercises. www.braingym.com
My heart goes out to all the dedicated parents who are doing the best they can for their children. Many of these kids are now grown adults and need as much help from the rest of us as possible.
The public education system needs more funding to pay teachers better and to hire assistants to help with the demands of students with extra needs. Write to your legislator to increase funding for our kids education. They are our future. Who else is going to pay for our old age home?
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