'Teenage as a Second Language': Q&A With Author Barbara Greenberg, PhD

I m glad you are not my parent

Great answer, and the person who said they are gald you aren't their parent-thank the Lord I'm not. You would act like a civil human being or never eat at home until you learned how. Everyone has rules, and you are no exception.

Jimmy is right, that is exactly what this article sounds like. You shouldn't ask this question or that question because it is too direct? What kind of an idiot are you raising? This is how the english language operates, you ask a question and the other party answers it, pretty simple if you ask me. If they are trying to hide something from the parent then they need to learn the language that the rest of us are using so that they can have the knowledge to evade those questions or at least redirect the conversation. Of course if the parent has any sense, that will not work. When someone says, "Whatever" to me during a conversation, debate or other form of conversation, I simply take it as they do not have the language skills or intelligence to continue the conversation as they know that they have already lost the debate, and they don't have the knowledge in thier possession to win their argument, so they just back away by saying something stupid like "Whatever". Now, I know that most of current generation parents who subscribe to all this "touchy-feely, Oprah/Dr. Phil kind of nonsense will be highly offended by this comment, well TS. If you have to turn to the likes of those clowns for parenting advice, then it is quite obvious that you should never have become a parent in the first place, so deal with it.

This is actually for kam...You're glad I am not your parent? Well, I am glad you're not my kid.

Actually, if you WERE my kid, you'd be more polite and certainly better behaved.

I've raised my family. They are good, solid citizens now raising their own families. No drug use, no run-ins with the law, and why? Because I would not permit backtalk, and I let them know that I was the adult in charge, and they were NOT.

I agree completely! Let's turn the question-asking senario around: If my daughter asks me how my day was, guess what? I ANSWER HER. If she were to ask me how my "date" went with her dad, I ANSWER her. She affords me the same respect. We talk to each other. What age someone is, is no excuse for bad manners. My feeling is that if your teen is unwilling to share details of their life with you, BEWARE - they are hidng something from you.

This is to Jimmy. You sound like my father way back when I was a teen (and that's not such a bad thing but it's not that great either)but since we're trying to raise teens to safe, productive adulthood it's not a bad idea to give them a voice and to be sensitive to them as individuals who have sensibilities.

I didn't read this article as if the author was afraid of her kids, but as if she cared about their feelings enough to modify the way she (the parent) maintains contrtol of certain situations... and how she assists her children in growing up by being willing to give them some control regarding communication.

You want your 16 year old daughter to feel like they aren't equal to you?!?! Wow.....

This article sounds like how to handle your brat with kid gloves in order not to make him or her mad at you;
Hey,, Newsflash. The kids are going to get mad at you at times regardless of what you do. It's part of their individual development

your rebelious child -- no mention was made of rebellious children... just young people in general and how to keep doors open for communication and getting to know them as people.

Start when they are younger showing them who's boss, and never waver. Give lots of affection, but be in charge. That's what they want and need.
True, we need to establish the boundaries of authority and respect showered with love and affection.

Go ahead and ask what happened on their date, and if they won't tell you or they lie to you, fine, no more dates until they show a good attitude.
If you keep the question non-confrontal as was sggested by the author, How was the movie; gives them an opening to talk about what is on their mind and they don't feel trapped by what you may or may not want to hear; or what they may or may not be ready to discuss at the moment. Keep the grounding and no dates for more serious infractions....like taking the car without permission, not taking care of chores over a period of time; getting an F on a test at school; things that will encourage them to pay attention to their responsibilities.
I'm getting a lot more from this testosterone charged teen now that when I was using direct questions which weren't meant to be challenging, or prying.. just the desire to know and be a part of his life and decisions. I have a lot less challenges to my intelligence too. :D
I'm glad you're not my parent, too. I would choose not to date until I left home rather than have you in my face demanding an accounting for every thought of thing I did while not in your presence. If you don't trust me and your parenting values, then I can stay home until you are out of the equasion.
So relax and trust your kids... when they show you can't trust them, then deal with it. Kids want to be valued and trusted and most would rather take a beating than to disappoint your trust. That's how I felt about my daddy....until he passed away at 85 and even today; I don't want to violate his trust nor God's trust.

Don't be your teens friend? Ha! Then don't expect to really know what your child is up to. I know who smokes pot, who drinks, who's having sex. Be more than your teens friend, be their best friend.

First of all the nasty remarks from the kid should not be tolerated [Fine, Whatever?} I would have got popped in the mouth if I spoke like hat to my mother. Society has allowed, condoned and accepted this rude behavior and attitude and make it sound as if this is normal on TV in sitcoms, on Lifetime television movies. It is not normal, polite, respectful or right by any stretch of the imagination and should not be tolerated. I see kids on TV in movies and sitcoms yelling, screaming, slamming doors, rolling their eyes and giving attitude to parent's who accept that crap because society says you should. Years ago on TV it was never shown nor was it tolerated or acceptable by any means. And, it is more common in White homes then Black homes. Black people historically never accepted such disrespect from their kids until the past 20 years now. You can't spank them or hit them because its wrong. Bull! ! ! That's whats wrong with kids today and that's whyu they do not behave, have respect and are rude beyond belief. When I see and hear some kid on some TV show blatantly disresepecting a parent - I gotta turn to another show because I cannot stand it. When I was growing up, a child never used profanity in front of any adult and disresepect was NEVER acceptable in real life or on TV. White Society has made it against the norm to spank a kid and made it acceptable for your teenager to diss you in real life and its written in television programs now as normal. Well, it aint - I got grands and won't tolerate - eye rolling, sucking teeth, stomping on floor, slamming doors and general disresepect from any teenager. Don't care what any white therapist says about it or for that matter any black one either.

I am so agree with this comment

Jimmy, I'm sure you're a good parent and I wish I had some guidance myself growing up, but I can get the author's point. Teenagers are constantly looking for a power struggle. It's natural. I'm not here to condone backtalk or bad attitudes, but sometimes, the tighter you squeeze, the more they slip through your fingers. By asking "how was the movie" instead of "how was the date" you'll probably get two reactions: first, your teen would be thrown off guard, second, your teen would end up telling you all about the date. If you want to stand there and give yourself ulcers and gray hairs yelling toe-to-toe with your kid, knock yourself out.

Then again, I can speak only from my experience. I had to grow up very quickly because by age 14, I was the man of the house. My father was something of a joke so take my aversion to authoritarian parenting with a grain of salt. I turned out OK.

First I agree do not become best friends with your teen...they don't really want that because they already best friends. Teens want you to be a parent even if they don't come right out and say it.

When my parents use to ask me about my day and still do I would tell them. But i used to hate it when (and they still do even though I am in my 20's) they tried to go into more detail about what was going on with my friends and around school. Teens will share what they want to share. You should not be worried about what the other teens are doing but what about your kid is doing. You should only be worried about if they are doing drugs, drinking, having sex, whatever else. Yes their friends have influnce on their lives but you know if everyone jumps off a bridge does that mean they have too? If you raised them right then you have to give them a little faith that they will do the right thing.

Like the other day my 17 yr old brother came home drunk. Yes my parents were pissed that he did that but they let him deal with the backlash of his own bad decision and let me tell you he was regretting it all night and morning.

You don't always need to yell and get up in your kids face, I think that, that makes them shut down more and then less likely to talk to you and then more prone to lie to you.

Give them a chance to explain themselves. They might become more relaxed around you and tell you more.
You want them to act more grown up and with more responsibilities, then talk to them like an young adult and give them more responsibilities.

First of all to "Anonymous"..I'm sure that there is a cell (jail OR padded) waiting for you.

There IS a happy medium here. Times have changed a bit with technology, so parents must make a slight adjustment. However, if you want to be a friend to your kids, you may as well drink & smoke pot with them and forget about parenting your future derelicts who think that that world OWES them something.

KIds NEED rules (and enforcement), otherwise they are NOT going to be prepared for the REAL world. Try tellig your BOSS "Whatever", and you'll be in the unemployment line before you can text an abbreviated message, like WTF?

Speaking of texting, why are so many parents AFRAID to tell their teens that it is RUDE behavior to visit someone and spend the entire trip sitting on the couch texting your friends? Teens are rude because too many parents are afraid to correct them because they "might not like them". My parents were tough on me & I miss them dearly (they're both deceased). I was a success because they taught me REALITY. If you treat your parents like crap, you will think that you can get away with that in the outside world too.

I grew up with parents that would tip toe with me and I was a complete brat and it took me until my mid twenties to fully understand the world does not revolve around what I believe about a particular situation. Or that what I feel about something does not really matter in the over all picture of things. To much entitlement is a terrible thing. Notice the people that believe thing works sound entitled to something. Rude is rude is rude. I have a child now and he treats me with respect. Yes Mam and Yes Sir to his father. I enforce rules to where he knows what to expect from the Real World. If you are constantly rude and unruly to authority you will not survive out there and you will learn the hard way and who wants to put there kids though that? I want to prepare my child for life and in live no one is going to care if you get your panties in a bunch answer the damn question or suffer the consequences. And as a teenager the worst thing you can do is take the keys! So don't disrespect Momma or it is gonna suck! Like life don't tick your boss off or get fired. It all a lesson in life. They deserve to be taught and not coddled.

I am a teenage girl.
I think how you think is way harsh.
By your name I can tell your a male parent, Let me me help you out a little.
*This reffers to anymale parent
Let's say your Daughter Goes to the movies with a guy.
She gets home she's all happy. *& "you say how was the movie.?"
If she can't tell you not even one thing about the movie...Oveously they we're doing something other than watching a movie. *& offcourse that would call for some disipline.
But if she come home you ask her the same Question and she says. "Fine." now notice the way I put it she was "short" with you. It's MOST likley because they kissed and she doesn't want you to find out.
NEVER:
ask your daughter if she kissed the boy she was on a date with.
she most likely will not tell you and Ignore the question.
This is becuase if she did she doesn't want you to be dissaponted in her wether your okaay with it or not things will seem wierd in the conversation from her point of veiw.
that's all I have to say.

Awwwww, Jimmy; Were you a parent before you reached the pro-
per level of maturity?? Is it likely you never will? Is it true that this
country's doomed 'cause there are so many like you? There's al-
ways the bottle, huh??

when i was young, my parents divorced, my mother was the one to punish me. my dad let me do whatever i wanted. i repect them both but i have to say that moving in with my dad when i was 16 was probably the worst decision i made. i did what i wanted, when i wanted. that allowed me to hang out with the WRONG people & do things i knew my mom would kick my ass for. i dropped out of school 3 months before i was supposed to graduate & moved out into my boyfriends mothers house. i love both of my parents but i have much more respect and an amazing relationship with my mother now cuz now i kno she was just trying to guide me in the right direction. we are so open with each other now and have nothing to hide. im 20 years old, i recently earned my diploma, have a full time career, have my own house, my own car, and pay my own bills. i think everything happens for a reason, so i have no regrets, but looking back i wish i would have just been honest and open throughout my teenage years. i guess in telling my story, im just trying to say, teens, talk to your parents, they are alot more understanding than you think, they were teens once too! =] peace and love

Really Jimmy? How's that working for ya. I guarantee you, all the problem kids I've known growing up, and now, had parents like you. Ruled with a fist and a whip. Demanded respect and obedience. That's the best way for kids to fear you, which keeps them from talking to you, which makes them susceptible to negative influences from their "friends". After all if you can't talk to your parents, you find others for guidance. And if they should be the wrong kind, your kid will learn the wrong things.

Who says you can't be a parent and a friend. My kids respect me as the parent, and they know fully well their are consequences for their misdeeds. But at the same time, they know that I'm fair, and I don't judge them. That I'm always there whenever they need to talk. And they talk a lot! I know what's going on in my kids' life. There are times when they withhold info from me for a period of time (according to them, only because they were trying to figure out how to tell me), but they do eventually speak up.

Teenagers are young adults who haven't learned how to be an adult. And have a misguided sense of what it is to be "mature". The last thing you want to do is put them down, make themselves feel inadequate, and cause them to fear you. They are confused enough as it is, don't be an ass by contributing more to the problem. Your parents must have treated you pretty crappy. Now your teaching the same attitude to your kids, who will probably treat their kids like that. Until your line messes up so bad and ends. All because of your arrogance.