'Teenage as a Second Language': Q&A With Author Barbara Greenberg, PhD

by Julie Z. Rosenberg (Subscribe to Julie Z. Rosenberg's posts)
Feb 14th 2011 11:00AM

Filed under: Teen Culture, Books for Parents, Behavior: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens

Your teen will talk, but you have to wait until she's ready. Credit: Adams Media

Fine. Whatever. I don't care. That's the opening to "Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual," a how-to guide for frustrated parents everywhere.

In the book, psychologists Barbara Greenberg and Jennifer Powell-Lunder posit that teens "make healthier decisions, cope better with peer pressure and have higher self-esteem" when parents talk to them about sensitive subjects like sex and drugs. Kind of hard to do when your children don't want to talk to you. ParentDish spoke with co-author Greenberg who says, "There are a lot of secrets that teens won't tell you, which is why we wrote the book." An edited version of the interview follows.

ParentDish: Teenagers seem to be getting younger every year. Does this mean we have to have those dreaded talks earlier?
Barbara Greenberg: As a parent, you can't suddenly start having good dialogue with your kids when they become teens. You have to start talking to them when they're very young so you set the tone of what the relationship is going to be like and so you set a high quality of trust. It's really a myth to think that once they become teenagers you can change everything.

PD: What about parents who didn't start young?
BG: There are a lot of misconceptions. First is that they don't want to talk to you. The fact is that they do want to talk to you; they just want to control the timing and style of the dialogue. The second misconception is that they don't care what you think. The fact is they care very much what you think, even more now than when they were younger. The third thing is the reason that they lie and withhold information is not because they're bad kids but because they don't want to be embarrassed or disappoint parents.

PD: Any advice on how to get teens to talk?
BG: Teenagers don't like direct requests for information. "How was your day?" goes over like a lead balloon because it's too direct, and also, because it's not a precise question. Their day's not over because they're probably on Facebook and texting until about 9 or 10 o'clock.

"How was the party?" is too direct because the kids know [what you're really asking]. I remember with my teenagers when I said "How was the party?" what I really meant was, "Were you guys smoking pot there?"

PD: Can you give an example of an indirect question?
BG: When my daughter would go out to the movies with a guy I wouldn't say, "How was the date?" I would say, "How was the movie?" It was indirect and she could control how much information she would give me. But then she'd start spilling, "I'm not sure I like him ..." They have to control the kind and the amount of disclosure.

PD: What if the parent doesn't like what he or she is hearing?
BG: Kids are most likely to talk if parents are not emotionally over-reactive. If you say you're not going to become angry and you really stick to that, they will disclose. But if you want them not to talk to you, become emotional.

PD: How involved should parents be in their teenager's life?
BG: You want to know about their safety -- where they are, what they're up to, if they're hanging out with the right group of kids, if they're making good choices. But you really don't need to know who they have crushes on, who they think is hot or who's dating who.

PD: Why not?
BG: That's another well-kept secret: Kids don't want parents to be their friends. They're humiliated if you pick them up from a party wearing really low-rise jeans and some top that shows your tummy. I know because I did it once. I got into deep trouble.

PD: What about parents who try to speak the current teen slang?
BG: Part of being a teenager is establishing your own identity, so these are words that let them be teenagers. When the parents start [speaking teen slang] it's like they're competing [with their teen]. It's embarrassing to the kids. Parents should not engage in this because that's being a friend and kids want parents.

PD: Can you talk about body language?
BG: Eighty percent of communication is nonverbal. Anything a teen says can mean something different based on the accompanying nonverbal behavior. You know the whole scenario where a kid doesn't want to talk and the parent follows the kid to his room [and] tries to go into the bedroom? The kid just needs some space. They will talk to you, but it has to be at the right time.

PD: Any other nonverbal examples?
BG: We always point our body in the direction we want our conversation to go. So if we're having a conversation with our teens and their body is pointing toward the door, it means they want to be someplace else. Pay attention to where their focus is. Say, "It seems like you don't want to talk now but later, if you're in the mood, I'll be available."

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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 7)

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2-16-2011 @ 7:01AM

Sunday said...

Just my own 2 cents here...Good communication is definitely the key to getting your teen to open up and tell you what you want to know. And it really does begin when the child is young. But, you know, even if you didn't start when they were young, it's still never too late to begin the path to good communication. I do nt think that the writer of this article is wrong in advising that you should ask an indirect question, or, an open-end question. It's the same question, just asked a different non-threatening way that your teen won't clam up with, that's all. Yes, you DO have to handle teens with kid gloves if you ever want to move forward and make progress. If you don't believe this, then go ahead and be the stern, direct parent who stomps their foot and insists that he/she will get their respect no matter what. See how that works for ya. It doesn't!!!! I can only speak from my own experience raising my daughter - from the time she was young, I encouraged her to open up to me and tell me whatever is on her mind. I made a promise to her that if she did this, I would never, ever, judge her or hold it against her as long as she is always truthful. It's true - teens do not want their parent to be their best friend. They DO want to be diciplined and guided in the right diirection. But they also want to be able to express themselves without judgement. Now that my daughter is almost 29 yrs old and married, she and I are the very best of friends. I believe there is a time and place for everything - I also believe that if you are mature enough to be "the bad guy" when you know that you won't be very popular, yet it's the right thing to do at that time, your child will respect you for that when he/she is grown. Don't be afraid to be "the bad guy". Ever. But at the same time, if your teen is finally opening up to you and you don't like what you hear, just appreciate the fact that they opened up to you - it's all in how you handle yourself.

2-16-2011 @ 7:19AM

ButterflyGirl said...

I'm a 17 year old. And none of this stuff will EVER work on me. I never tell my parents ANYTHING just because they lose their tempers with me and make me storm off to my room. So yea my mom comes straight forward and asks "How was school?" My reply is mostly "Good" Unless something interesting happens in my boring private school. But i'm a teen who just wants to be left alone and be on her laptop and the internet.

2-16-2011 @ 8:31AM

kenny say's said...

aren't you an arrogant little snot, have you ever thought your parents love you more than anything else in the world and have every right to be part of your life, you'll find out the world will kick you to one side and you'll grow up friendless if you dont wise up, bratt

2-16-2011 @ 8:51AM

romulusmedusa said...

Purest example of a spoiled, entitled teen. I don't want to meet her parents.

2-16-2011 @ 9:27AM

@ ButterflyGirl ~

Well, I don't think you're a brat at all...Actually, you are a typical teenager with a typical outlook towards her parents. I was the exact same way as you were when I was your age. And yes, I do believe that if your parents just all of a sudden started rephrasing their usual questions differently you would be able to see right through it - as fake. What you have stated here is exactly the reason that I feel parents need to open up the lines of communication with their teens early on in life. It is also the reason that parents shouldn't lose their tempers while listening to their teens tell them something that they don't want to hear. It is the exact reason that if you promise your daughter that she can come to you about ANYTHING, you will not hold it against her in the future. Like the ol' Kenny Rogers song goes...you gotta' know when to hold em', know when to fold em', know when to walk away, know when to run - I'm not saying parents should treat their children with kid gloves, or walk on egg shells when asking them a question, I'm just saying that parents, too, need to learn how to listen to what messages their kids are sending to them when they do finally open up and confide in them. ButterflyGirl, maybe your parents just need to learn how to control their temper in front of you - hey, no parent is perfect, either! Have you ever sat them down and told them this? Calmly, that is...no whinning, or crying, just calmly explain to them that when they lose their temper so fast, you end up putting up a wall and that ends up being the end of the communication. Because once that barrier goes up, forget it. Like you said, you shut them out and then the vicious cycle just continues to circle on and on with no end in sight. Someday, when you're grown and on your own, and perhaps with kids of your own, you will realize just how much your parents really did/do love you. Until then, I wish you well. I really mean that.

2-16-2011 @ 10:24AM

betteroffsmiling said...

I sure hope romulusmedusa and kenny aren't parents. If someone said that about my daughter, I'd be very offended. Do you always form negative opinions on someone you don't know? I'm suprised a teen read this article, let alone thought enough about posting an opinion. And how do you know it's the teen with the "snotty" issue? I'm guilty for being just as much as a bratt as my 15 yr old at times (I'm female after all) but we both know we love each other and for the most part are open to each other. Personally, I think all parents should try EVERYthing until they find what works for THEM.

2-16-2011 @ 1:30PM

Zach said...

...and who do you think pays for your laptop and internet? That's right, your parents. So basically your parents should just leave yu alone and buy you expensive laptops, pay for your itnernet service, etc.? You sound like a moody, spoiled brat.

2-16-2011 @ 4:35PM

wilbournpc said...

I get what you say..most teens do only want to keep to themselves and be left alone..that is normal,,laptops, i-phones,texting..these are the important things for you...but remember, friends come & go,after you graduate you will be lucky if you can keep up with your friendships..Family is forever..as much as you can't wait to "get out".they will always be there for you..you still have time to form relationships with your mom & dad..they probably yell at you all the time because they don't know how to communicate with you..do yourself a favor..start a conversation with them..simple question to ask them "How difficult was it for you when you were a teenager?:..you just might learn something about them...they really are not that different than you...give it a shot...you will be glad you did..hope they finally can "talk" to you rather than yell & scream...good luck!

dan said...

I think other cultures have a better system of dealing with their adolescents. The family is a team or a unit. When you withhold information, or are disrespectful to your elders, you undermine the whole team. I exist for your benefit and you exist for mine. Everyone contributes. The hierarchy dictates communication: if you respect me, you earn respect. If you shame me, you shame yourself and everyone else in the family unit. I see teenagers in other cultures whose parents ask them a question and respond immediately and intelligently. They have have learned that if you humiliate me, you're only humiliating yourself, so they don't do it. RESPECT: nothing to hide, nothing to fear. No judgement, just dialogue. You know, like human beings.

2-16-2011 @ 7:33AM

lyle said...

having raised 4 children, my one regret is that I didn't raise tree's instead - at least by now, I'd have some shade to show for all my hard work.

2-16-2011 @ 7:45AM

J V L said...

Asking your teen, "How was the party?" is NOT the same thing as asking them if they were smoking pot there.

For one thing, if there is NO parent supervision at a teen party, your teen shouldn't be going. If there is benign supervision by liberal-minded parents who think drug use is okay, your teen shouldn't be attending that one, either.

For another, allowing your teen to attend a party held by people you don't know or have never met should not be permitted.

Your teen needs to be advised of a pretty basic fact and that is that, even though they think they are all grown up, you, the parent, are LEGALLY responsible for everything they do until they reach the age of majority.

YOU are the parent of this child/teen. Not CPS, not the state, not these so-called "experts" and not the school. YOU. And the law will hold YOU accountable for their actions. Not CPS, not the state, not these so-called "experts" and not the school YOU.

2-16-2011 @ 7:47AM

brooks said...

how many of you like talking to a spoiled child or teen? i suggest texting. that way you can terminate the exchange anytime you want, because if you follow this idiot's advice you will need straight jacket.

2-16-2011 @ 8:02AM

Linda said...

I started talking to my kids from the day they were born. But not only did I ask them questions, I let them ask me questions. Most important of all I LISTENED. I didn't jump on them for a bad idea or correct every point they made. I'd ask them what they thought it was amazing how they would fix their own erroneous concepts with a frank and open discussion. At 18 and 17 we have great conversations. Somethings are still a little taboo like if they like a girl.

2-16-2011 @ 8:10AM

Sternberg said...

Just like trying to talk to your wife.

TTREXXX said...

KIDS ARE SO DUMB THERE LIKE DOGS WHEN YOU SAY CAT ..I JUST SAY LOOK jUSTIN BEIBER AND THEIR BRAINS RESET AN I GET THEIR ATTENTION..LOL

2-16-2011 @ 8:16AM

Vicki said...

I guess I just don't get it. I was an only child and was very open with my mom about EVERYTHING. She was my best friend, especially as a teen. And, no, I was not an overweight, ugly geek - quite the opposite. Now I have an only child (15 yr old daughter). We have the same relationship as I experienced. She is a warm, beautiful girl who shares her life with me with no problem. I am very fortunate. :)

2-16-2011 @ 8:22AM

From the time she was able to listen and speak, I taught my daughter the tenet that: Happy, Sad, Mad, Glad...You Can Always Talk To Dad!
If you want the ideal communication to develop, you must listen without judgement or repercussion.
http://DadsInCourt.blogspot.com/
http://PapasEnLaCorte.blogspot.com/

2-16-2011 @ 8:24AM

teen my butt , I gotta 35 year old talks crap like this to me, hope she enjoys me not going to her place until she finds some respect, more arrogant than Obama

2-16-2011 @ 8:53AM

tee pee said...

i am a 66 years ole entlemen retired and living in west virginia. i raise 2 daughters during thelate 70's and ealy 80's. the one thing we taught them was discipline, respect and communitcation.. they had nice clothes, some toy entities but they were taught thatit was there responsibiliy to the family to do chores and be responsible for their actions. if they abided by the rules they were rewarded and if they didnt they got no special rewards. they wee dressed nice but not given what the kids havetoday. i mean things like ipads, cell phones computer time unlimited, bran name label all the time and they were not mall rats that were dropped off at the mall every weekend. we went as a family. yes they went there way but we were at the mall as a family. they did not date until they were 16 and that was after we met their boyfriend and his famlly. and it was not an everyday thing together. they had study time for an hour everynight regardless of whether they had homework or not. they were taught to wash their own clothes and fold them and put them away. they took turn doing dishes. etc. and most importantly we went to church every sunday as a family. if they did what they were suppose to they were rewarded with an appropriate reward. that may have been a new pair of pants, out to dinner at a place of their choice or something like that. our meals were spent as a family talking in general about how our day went, any problems that the familycould discuss and maybe help with. etc. and if we had any problems, which were somewhat rare, we discussed them as a family. bottom line we worked rogether and were not separated by to many distractions. you have to have guiedelines and rules in anything in society from family to work to whatever. and tv was watched but we cencorsed what we conidered garbage and not healthy tv. the same applied to movies. basically my wife and i became role models to raising guides with morals respect, dignity and commnicatins and most importanly love and understanding. we were there for them 24 hours and day equally as important we were their parents and later became friends as they grew up. my two daughers have since had their own kids. both are successfull caring nurses and married good men. its not really that hard if you stick to basic things in life. its when you start giving them everything they want and wanting to be their cool friends when the trouble begins. wishing all of you lots of luck. and by the way there are a lot more things to watch for today than there was in the 70's and 80's. they have friends, what they need from you is parents.

2-16-2011 @ 10:21AM

Pat said...

Several children of different generations later, I know that direct questions raise barriers, sometimes very high shields.. I know that even at my age, if my mother asks me a "direct" question about decisions I'm working on or things I'm doing that really doesn't fall under the heading of her need to know at the moment, every thing in me jumps into defense mode and I feel as if I'm being invaded. Later, when I'm ready, I will tell my mom some things, some things not. So it is with my kids, and grandkids.
Mom was a do as I say not as I do and a very controlling parent. It onlyn served to make me insulated from her; obedient, yes, because the consequences were not desireable. I grew up a productive citizen, responsible [perhaps too responsible], but so much of my life and wings of flight into who I am and what I was born to be were chained; and many good relationships did not happen because of the overwhelming influence of a controlling person.
Discipline your child in love, tough love if necessary; accept that they are private individuals developing into awesome adults; trust them, but do phrase your inquiries in a non-invasive, non-threatening manner. You get so much more from them. I have a 14 y/o male... if I ask a direct question that could lead to anything from a super emotional outburst to it was okay, or some other non-answer. If I ask, how was the field trip; or tell me about the field trip; I get more information ... highlights and lowlights of his day and his experiences with the different people. Usually more comes in the following days.
Good advice in this article. Look forward to the book. You can kick a-- if it's what you want to do...but at the first opporunity your kids will be out the door and depending on how severe you are, you may or may not get to know your grandchildren.

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