'Teenage as a Second Language': Q&A With Author Barbara Greenberg, PhD

Coming from a teenager, this article is insulting, and should be disregarded. You don't need to tiptoe around your teen, watching what you say. You should be yourself. I love my parents because they love me back, and they treat me with respect. They aren't afraid to put me in my place or tell me I'm doing something wrong. They set the rules, they have a conversation when they want to. This is how they raised, and this is how I will raise my child.

"Their day's not over because they're probably on Facebook and texting until about 9 or 10 o'clock."

You think that's all teenagers do? I work most weekdays from the time I get out of school to eight or nine pm. After that, I'll make my way home and work on applying for scholarships. If you're writing a book about teenagers, maybe you should start by trying to become knowledgeable in the subject.

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What burns my bisquits is the number of people that work for social services and have zero kids or exp and think they are special,, totally clueless people too..
self proclaimed experts

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By all means, ask questions...tons of them. But consider the phrasing; Communication doesn't have to be confrontational, a debate, or a challenge for one upmanship. Our kids are more intelligent and havve more knowledge that we did at their age; and ther "whatever" means... you don't rate my thoughts, you think what you want, I'm out of here, emotionally and physically. They are done.

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I didn't learn how to speak to my daughter...she learned how to speak "parent".. key word there...Dr. Spock taught a generation how to raise self indulgent, me first, kids.. and now shrinks are teaching the same thing. A parent is the person in charge; but only if you are a PARENT! Not a buddy, pal, friend, etc.. Most parents I've met need a lesson in who's in friggin' charge!!!

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I don't think a book is going to help out at all! why should it be on the kids terms, I gave birth to them not the other way around. If I ask my kids something out of respect they should tell me. Don't this person understand we was teens at one time, and I could never be that disrespectful to my parents like that. We has parents need to lay down the rules, not the kids. So if I ask my child how was the party? I would like to hear about. Not give my child the control, I'm the one in Control!

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Teens have opinions like anyone else, but they frequently are disrespectful when they express it. I once heard a teenaged girl say to her mother, "Oh, barf me out to the max", what ever that means. The mother took it. I would have slapped the snot out of that little c##t.

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We can feel inadequate in certain situations because we haven't kept up. This can apply to our jobs, our marriages and our children. Having early and often conversations with your children about life is important. Take a look at www.thelifecompass for ideas for your childrens journey and maybe yours as well.

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This article contradicts itself, on one line it tells you not to ask "How was the party" because it was too direct, but to ask "How was the movie" because it was indirect. They are both social functions how is one different from the other? In either question as a parent you really don't care how the party or movie was, you're looking to find out what "other" things your teen did during those "events".

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I hope there is someone out there who has a rebellious and rude ten-year old and is thinking they will just "grow out of it" because I am going to give you the advice I got, but did not follow through on. The advice, then, is second-hand, but maybe you will accord it the respect I should have.

OK--enough prologue. Don't explain yourself or your rules. Just be who you are and believe in your rules and make them clear. Don't use compound sentences. I don't care how smart your kids are. Just tell them with short direct statements. No threats, BUT if the rules aren't followed, make the consequences significant enough to make them wish they hadn't done/been whatever or however they did/were. (Don't use a sentence similar to the one I just used.) AND DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THE DENIAL! Being matter-of-fact shows them an appropriate degree of power---and your grandchildren will be more delightful, too. What a legacy! Consider it an emotional trust fund.

My own parents were emotionally inept and distant. Fortunately, I turned out ok. I do have many 'wounds and scars' but I 'lick' them. The relevence of how I was reared is that I tried to insulate my kid from disappointments and pain similar to what I still carry by giving him whatever he wanted. He said "F U" and I took a whole paragraph to explain how he should treat me and why he could not now have the planned sleepover and then he'd have two kids or three kids sleeping over and being loud and rude too. Why? Because I wanted his love so much I tried to 'buy' it with 'stuff' and privileges. I tap-danced up a storm. Blueberry pancakes for the sleepover guests! Movie rentals! bowling!...yada yada.

OK--I am still speaking in paragraphs---but the point is 'IF YOU DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND: HOLD IT. HOLD IT. ONE MORE TIME: HOLD IT. Think about what you will say and do before you say and do it. Think about what he/she most wants at that point and that's what is significant enough to withhold and expect it will have the result you want.

I am over working this comment---but it is because I feel like pleading with you to not do what I did. If it helps anybody out there --then the world will have a nicer and more considerate individual than would have been.

Because we are a 'good family' with 'good' values, much of what I
wanted for and from him is just starting to appear---and he's 24!
His girlfriend is setting a great example--she tells him to appreciate me and to be nice to me--and he is just now starting to be that way.
At first it was only when she was around to witness. Now, it is a little more often when we are alone. Just a little---but that trickle is the consequence I deserve for not following the good advice I got years ago. (The fact that he chose a nice, respectful girlfriend does
show I did something right!)

P.S. If your child is still in the womb or a toddler, you have plenty of time. USE IT.

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While I think there is something to the advice in the book in the way of functionally communicating with your teenagers, I also think it (by default) communicates the wrong thing to teenagers, namely that they have the power and control in the relationship if they can DECIDE when they want to talk to you and give it (information) up.

I am a child of the 70s (when kids didn't have opinions). Now in the 21st century the pendulum has completely swung in the opposite direction. A little too much credence is given to kids opinions and feelings, which are often stupid and misguided-if only for the sheer lack of experience and naivete.

Part of a parents most sacred duty is to direct and guide children and set them on the right course ("bring up a child in the way that they should go and they will not depart from it"). If this can be done with a light hand, wonderful, if not then a heavy hand it is. "Speak softy but carry a big stick."

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If you start having real conversations with your children when they are small and continue to treat them with love and respect, offer counsel and answer questions, and don't judge their feelings or ideas, when they become teens the platform is already set for positive and effective communication. Children who respect and love their parents tend to love and respect themselves--and it makes the choices in the teen years more likely to be solid. I had minimal problems with my kids when they were teens--they made good choices and on the couple of occasions when they did something unacceptable, we got back on track right away. As young adults, they are both fully employed, happy and loving people and we still talk all the time. Your children are not your possession and the relationship is not just about you--they are individuals, adults in training--so treat them like people. Start early and avoid being judgemental--that's my recommendation.

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First, I agree that our children must speak to us with respect. It starts with our behavior towards them. We teach them by example to be polite and thoughtful. As far as having conversations with teens, I found that the most informative talks occurred while we were doing something else- playing cards or board games, riding in the car, etc. They tended to be more open when not put into a face to face quizzing session. I actually explained about girls having periods, etc. with my son while I was scrubbing the floor. No stress for either of us. They are grown and parents themselves now, thank the Lord.

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When kids don't want to answer, it's usually because they're trying to hide something they *KNOW* you wont' approve of. I base this on my teenage years. Yes, respect of privacy, but tempered with care and concern. Set ground rules: no alcohol, drugs, sex before 18 for their well being. Don't, however, do the "this is my house and when you're under my roof" routine. All that will do is drive the kid out into the streets.

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Isn't it kind of amazing that during the days when kids got a little spanking (not beating) that the adults turned out better, society was better and we had fewer young adults who felt they were entitled to everything? Most teenagers (not the good ones) should be sent to camps.

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It would also be interesting to see a comparison of our American teenagers to most Asian cultures. The stress in on THEM to make good. It isn't up to everyone else. When you make people responsible for their outcomes and EXPECT things of them, they will deliver.

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I read about all of these people trying to understand how to be with their child and how they should do things with them and such, i think that they should just leave them alone. What i mean is if the kid wants to talk to you they will but set boundaries. Dont be their friend but dont be too strict. Its not a difficult concept

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This is bogus. I have 4 kids. The older three are 20, 17 and 13. I know all about my 17 year old daughters crushes and loves. Why shouldn't I? She wants to talk about it often. My boys, not as much, but even my 20 year old son has questions occasionally about how to respond to things, or what a girl might be thinking, etc. If you stay close to your kids from the start, and stay involved in a healthy way, they aren't suddenly going get upset if you ask how their day went.

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