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The Sex Talk: Study Offers Tips for Talking to Kids
Filed under: Sex
There are effective and various ways for parents to talk to their kids about sex. Credit: Getty Images
You want to talk about sex? Fine.
Never have it. Ever. OK, maybe after you get married. Your mother wants grandkids. But don't go nuts. Try to confine yourself to leap years.
There you go. Case closed. Glad we can have these little talks. If you want to talk again, September looks good for me. Check back with me then.
Researchers looked at the effectiveness of various ways parents talk to their kids about sex.
They advise talking to kids early and often. Don't spread out the conversations. And use anatomically correct terms. You should also tell kids the truth and not lecture or judge them.
Radical concepts, all.
Note the tinge of sarcasm there. It's because even though these ideas seem like common sense, a surprising number of 21st century parents still approach the sex talk like Victorian school marms.
That's why the study is important, Dr. Aletha Akers, an obstetrician and gynecologist at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, tells MSNBC. There remains a lot of ambiguity about what works -- and what doesn't -- when it comes to discussing the birds and the bees.
The study looked at parents who had gone through certain intervention programs and found they emerged with superior communication skills. They have better conversations with their kids and were comfortable talking about sexual issues.
"It appears the interventions are effective at improving parent's ability to communicate, specifically things like frequency of communication and comfort for communicating," Akers tells MSNBC.
Terri Fisher, a psychologist at Ohio State University who has studied how parents tell their children about sex, tells the network this is a "a first attempt to make sense of a messy area of research."
She particularly likes the advice of parents talking to their kids about sex early and often.
"If they have regular and open and nonjudgmental conversations at various ages, when kids are adolescents and have some serious questions, they're going to be much more likely to ask the parent," Fisher tells MSNBC.
She also agrees that parents should use anatomically correct terms. When parents use slang terms, she tells the network, "it gives a message that there is something about this part of the body that is shameful or bad or different from every other body part. Many little children think that 'penis' is a bad word."
Fisher adds parents also should tell the truth -- both to their kids and themselves.
"Don't make up some fantastical tale about where babies come from," she says. However, honesty also applies parents. They shouldn't kid themselves, Fisher tells MSNBC.
"Telling an adolescent not to have sex is not likely to be an effective approach," Fisher says. "Parents tend not to be very good at knowing whether their own adolescent kids have engaged in any sexual activity or not."
Parents, she adds, "can share their own values without condemning people who don't share their values."
The moral of the story is that talking to kids frankly and frequently is important, Fisher tells MSNBC. However, it is not all important.
"Parent-child communication about sex is important, but often its effects are overstated," Fisher tells the network. "Talking to one's teenagers about sex is not necessarily going to discourage those teenagers from having sex, but it does make it more likely that if those teenagers end up having sex, they will do so in a more responsible way."
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
2-15-2011 @ 7:45PM
Alicia said...My mom never took a class, but when she overheard the other girls telling me what sex was during a Girl Scout meeting, she talked to me about it at home that night and was never afraid to answer questions or have those talks afterward. It didn't stop me having sex before marriage, but I waited until I was 18 and used a condom. When I came home from college, I got on the pill. When I had my first pregnancy scare despite (unlikely, considering I still use condoms, despite the pill, but I was freaked) I called her and let her calm me down. She obviously doesn't want details I share with friends, but if I have an issue or I'm scared, I'm never afraid to call and talk to her about that or any other subject and because of her honesty, I've never been embarrassed or nervous to buy birth control or go for regular STD testing, unlike some of my friends who've been having sex longer than I have and have still never been tested.
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 8:17AM
Juli said...You are so freaken' lucky ! I meant it, if more children were blessed to have the parent you have, I don't think we would have so many of the problems we have right now.
2-18-2011 @ 9:49AM
krs said...I soooo made sure I answered all my son's questions as they arose and as simply as I could so he understood. It's kinda hard for any child who watches television these days not to have some idea what sex is. I can remember beginning menses and not having any idea what was happening, thought I was dying. I'd asked questions about sanitary napkins when I saw the ads and she blew those off by saying it was nothing. After that I found a paperback 'conveniently' left out that explained things. Some parents just can't cope with the sex talk!
Reply
4-11-2011 @ 4:12PM
Dan said...If the 'sex talk' is the first major conversation about life you have with your children you are in already too late. Find great conversations at wwwthelifecompass.com
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 9:30AM
Harry Hurt said...I told my daughter(jokingly) not to "ever let a man's penis inside your vagina. Remember, they pee pee through it."
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 11:20AM
Anonymous said...pee pee, what is that baby talk?
2-16-2011 @ 9:31AM
Amanda said...Alicia, I'm taking the honest and open approach with my kids as well. When we were expecting our younger daughter, we told our older one what was happening with my body, and I found a book called "Where Do Babies Come From?" that explains it in terms that kids can understand. She also got to be there for her little sister's birth, and got the job of telling us whether the baby was a boy or a girl (we didn't want to find out in advance...it's cheating!).
Since then, I've answered any and all questions she has. When I got my tubes tied after our younger daughter was born, I explained what the operation was for. Ditto when she asked me what a condom was when she was 6. Now that she's 8 1/2, I've touched on the subject of a woman's menstrual cycle, and given her my old book called "Period" that explains what the cycle is about and what happens during it. My parents gave it to me before I started puberty, and it was a big help up to a point-I wasn't expecting the cramps to hurt as bad as they did, and the PMS mood swings still threw me for a loop, but it was better than knowing absolutely nothing!
We live in a county where the sex-ed programs focus more on abstinence than anything else (and they wonder why we have the fourth-highest teen pregnancy rate in the STATE!), so I know I'll have to supplement the education she gets at school with medically accurate knowledge about contraception and sexuality at home as well. We've already talked about how it's not "having sex," it is MAKING LOVE, and if the boy isn't willing to respect her enough to wait or "saddle the horse" when they are finally ready, then he isn't the right guy for her!
I was lucky enough to live in a county that had comprehensive sex ed in school, and that knowledge was a big help. I was the last one in my group to lose my virginity (18), and always used two kinds of birth control. If my kids want to get on the Pill or ask me for condoms, I will have no problems getting them the care they need. More parents need to take that honest approach and not freak out when the kids ask about sex and birth control-it does NOT mean they're having sex? They could be simply wanting to dispel the "street info" they get from their friends, or wanting knowledge for down the road. After all, even if you plan to stay a virgin till you marry, you're still going to need information about how your body works and about contraception AFTER you marry so you can plan when and how many kids you have. Knowledge is POWER!
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2-16-2011 @ 3:02PM
Alicia said...Thank you for being a wonderful, educated mother. I hope to continue the tradition if I decide to have children.
2-16-2011 @ 9:38AM
Gregory Schwartz said...Here it is, the year 2011, and we still have teenage girls getting pregnant...in our "enlightened" day and age! I have a white-trash second cousin who has given birth to EIGHT babies! Probably 8 different fathers. Even with STD's running rampant through our society and all over the world, that doesn't stop people from procreating an already over-crowded planet that can not support them!
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2-16-2011 @ 10:06AM
Dianne said...Today's gals have NO self esteem and NO morals. If a gal demands respect from a guy he WILL respect you but then again the gals today don't even respect themselves. Enough said.
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2-16-2011 @ 1:03PM
Lauren said...Dianne, are you freaking serious? Time and time again all society hears about is how girls have no morals what so ever. It's always their fault because they didn't say 'no' and were coerced into having sex. News flash: it takes two to make a baby. Boys should be held equally responsible. By saying that only girls are 'tramps' and sleep around is saying that girls having sex is wrong but more acceptable for the boys. It's not that neither gender has "any" morals or self respect these days. People have been saying that about every generation after them no matter what decade you are from. The point is is that both genders should be more educated and make better decisions about sex.
2-16-2011 @ 1:53PM
Anonymous said...Diane don't judge all of us ladies now.
2-16-2011 @ 1:58PM
Anonymous said...So if a girl has sex with ten guys she has no morals but if a guy has sex with ten girls then he's some kind of saint? You have got be kidding me get it right.
2-16-2011 @ 3:06PM
Alicia said...@Lauren- Very well said.
Also, having sex doesn't mean a lack of self-respect. I greatly respect myself. I eat well, exercise, dress well, work hard and plan for my future. I also happen to enjoy and partake of sex. Lack of self-respect is not protecting and taking care of yourself; it has very little to do with virginity.
2-16-2011 @ 10:31AM
Shannon said...So we're not supposed to tell our kids not to have sex? Great advice.......Sorry if I want to teach mine morals.
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2-16-2011 @ 10:55AM
modad said...How many times as a teen did you do what your parents told you not to? With my daughters, my wife and I told them that it was their call, but if they chose to have sex, then they opened themselves up to diseases, giving themselves a bad reputation (very important to teens), pregnancy (no birth control is 100%) and other things for a few minutes of pleasure. One daughter was a virgin when she married, the other lost it in college to a long-time boyfriend. My brother told his daughter that she must wait til she was married or he would kick her out of the house, and she left home at 16 to live with her older sister because she was pregnant. I like my results better.
2-16-2011 @ 11:59AM
bg said...I see your point Shannon. You can still teach morals and implement some of the ideas here. Some of the people here, including the article's author, sound as if the only alternative to allowing kids to have sex whenever is being a narrow-minded prude who doesn't understand human beings and sexuality and is domineering with the kids. Actually, we talk to our kids early and in a respectful way about sex (we don't treat it like it's always dirty) and we've had some wonderful conversations. I had the same experience with my parents - some conversations were planned and some were spantaneous questions that I asked as a teen. And we also teach our own kids our values about waiting to have sex until marriage. My wife and I both waited, and it's not unrealistic to teach that. But you can still talk about sex in an open and respectful way. People who believe in abstinence aren't always prudes or domineering parents or unrealistic or boring. You can have a healthy balance and attitude about sex and teach that to your kids.
2-16-2011 @ 1:13PM
Fran said...Since when does 'having morals' mean 'having no sex life'? Morality means leading a life that does no harm to anyone (including oneself) or the environment in which we live. It is quite possible to be sexually active, even in your teens, and still be a very moral person. If you want your kids to be 'moral,' teach them to have respect for both themselves and their partners.
2-16-2011 @ 10:38AM
robin said...talking to kids about sex isn't easy. I found that giving my kids books FIRST - to kind of break the ice - helped a lot. once they read the books, then we sat down and talked. we went over every page in the book, they asked questions and i answered. once the ice was broken, it was incredibly easy. from that point on, nothing was taboo. we often talked about sex at the dinner table (i had 4 teenagers at once). we also extensively covered STD's, pregnancy prevention and whether or not to have sex before you were married. i stressed several things - the decision to have sex was an adult decision - and if they felt ready then they needed to approach it as an adult and take responsibility for their actions (i.e. preventing pregnancy and STD's). i also stressed that no matter what decision they made, until they were ready to become a parent, the responsibility for preventing pregnancy was theirs and theirs alone. never never never depend on someone else to prevent you from becoming a parent (this went for the boys too). it worked. they are all well into their 20's now and we had no unplanned pregnancies. and they will still come to me with questions or problems!
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2-16-2011 @ 11:20AM
Anonymous said...I know it's not easy...We're Americans and we're so prudish about it.