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The Sex Talk: Study Offers Tips for Talking to Kids
Filed under: Sex
There are effective and various ways for parents to talk to their kids about sex. Credit: Getty Images
You want to talk about sex? Fine.
Never have it. Ever. OK, maybe after you get married. Your mother wants grandkids. But don't go nuts. Try to confine yourself to leap years.
There you go. Case closed. Glad we can have these little talks. If you want to talk again, September looks good for me. Check back with me then.
Researchers looked at the effectiveness of various ways parents talk to their kids about sex.
They advise talking to kids early and often. Don't spread out the conversations. And use anatomically correct terms. You should also tell kids the truth and not lecture or judge them.
Radical concepts, all.
Note the tinge of sarcasm there. It's because even though these ideas seem like common sense, a surprising number of 21st century parents still approach the sex talk like Victorian school marms.
That's why the study is important, Dr. Aletha Akers, an obstetrician and gynecologist at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, tells MSNBC. There remains a lot of ambiguity about what works -- and what doesn't -- when it comes to discussing the birds and the bees.
The study looked at parents who had gone through certain intervention programs and found they emerged with superior communication skills. They have better conversations with their kids and were comfortable talking about sexual issues.
"It appears the interventions are effective at improving parent's ability to communicate, specifically things like frequency of communication and comfort for communicating," Akers tells MSNBC.
Terri Fisher, a psychologist at Ohio State University who has studied how parents tell their children about sex, tells the network this is a "a first attempt to make sense of a messy area of research."
She particularly likes the advice of parents talking to their kids about sex early and often.
"If they have regular and open and nonjudgmental conversations at various ages, when kids are adolescents and have some serious questions, they're going to be much more likely to ask the parent," Fisher tells MSNBC.
She also agrees that parents should use anatomically correct terms. When parents use slang terms, she tells the network, "it gives a message that there is something about this part of the body that is shameful or bad or different from every other body part. Many little children think that 'penis' is a bad word."
Fisher adds parents also should tell the truth -- both to their kids and themselves.
"Don't make up some fantastical tale about where babies come from," she says. However, honesty also applies parents. They shouldn't kid themselves, Fisher tells MSNBC.
"Telling an adolescent not to have sex is not likely to be an effective approach," Fisher says. "Parents tend not to be very good at knowing whether their own adolescent kids have engaged in any sexual activity or not."
Parents, she adds, "can share their own values without condemning people who don't share their values."
The moral of the story is that talking to kids frankly and frequently is important, Fisher tells MSNBC. However, it is not all important.
"Parent-child communication about sex is important, but often its effects are overstated," Fisher tells the network. "Talking to one's teenagers about sex is not necessarily going to discourage those teenagers from having sex, but it does make it more likely that if those teenagers end up having sex, they will do so in a more responsible way."
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
2-16-2011 @ 11:02AM
Donna said...My son asked me where babys come from when he was 6.
I went to the library, and got the book made for children, with photos in black and white. Read it to him, problem solved.
But to not tell a child its wrong to do this is ridiculous.
I did tell mine when your old enough to have a good job, and a house, and a wife, thats when a person is suppose to have children, if thats what they want.
My son is 31, and has made a choice to never have a child.
I am glad he made that choice many years ago, and stuck to it. Theres nothing worse, than a self absorbed person having a child. Hes a good guy, but a little selfish, he wouldnt make a good parent.
Reply
2-16-2011 @ 11:09AM
Evil Jack said...Donna - I hate to break this to you but if your son is 31 , self absorbed , single and without kids - it's an 80 /20 bet he's gay.
2-16-2011 @ 2:23PM
hkhodges13 said...That's ridiculous. There's no set age to get married...and lots of reasons why people don't get married.
Furthermore, gays have kids these days and there are self-absorbed heterosexuals as well.
2-16-2011 @ 1:46PM
Julie said...LOL, sounds like you're just a dandy parent. You succeeded in getting the message across that sex is wrong. That could be the reason he doesn't need no stinkin' children.
2-16-2011 @ 11:06AM
Evil Jack said...'The GUN is good - The PENIS is bad' Zardozz from the 25th century says so.
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2-16-2011 @ 11:14AM
Dana said...I talked to my teen son about sex at about age 12- he was already hearing it at school so he came to me and asked.. I was very open and honest with him... we not only discussed sex, but the ramafications of sex as well, I think people forget to talk about that part.. and I am not just talking about pregnancy- I am talking about disease, and the consequences of having sex, then having the girls parents find out and then that girl can claim rape..to salvage some image with her parents.. those are real consequences..and it could happen. We talked about making that decision with someone you are in love with- not lust , the differences between the two and thinking with your brain not your heart or your hormones. I explained that I could tell him not too, but like everything in his life He will have to make a good decision for him , because I will not always be there to tell him what to do and what not to do, thereforeall I can do is fully inform him. At the end, I said, I am not condoning sex- but when you decide you are in love and in a relationship that you want to take that very important step .. dont be stupid always protect yourself- and we discussed condoms, STD's and pregnancy.. and not taking the girls word for anything.
All in all I think that he would come to me with any questions he has. He felt more comfortable talking to me rather than his Dad or step-dad- so I was glad to have the conversation with him- nervous yes, upsetting that this is being discussed at such young ages these days, yes, but you have to do this for your child- it is the greates gift you can give them.. open communication and the security that your kid can come to you about anything !
And saying dont do it.. is not talking to them.. we were all teens once.. the minute my parents would ever say dont do something ... well.. you know.. that is when you want to do that something more! LOL .. be honest with them but go over EVERYTHING.. especially all of the consequences of a poor decision... that was not thought out properly.
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2-16-2011 @ 11:21AM
Dana said...Forgot to mention that my son is now 17- great kid.. handsome boy..and I am proud to say he has made great choices for himself!
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2-16-2011 @ 11:23AM
Joey said...The problem with sex is when you engage in it, it becomes something you want more and more of. The first experience is a very emotional experience, and should not be taken lightly. By that, I mean, don't give yourself away to someone who may or may not stay with you. Make the commitment of getting married first, then the emotional experience will belong to your life-long partner instead of some idiot who doesn't care, and the addiction to the feeling of sex will be all to your spouse. I believe this is why God's Ten Commandments includes not commiting adultery (which includes any sex before marriage), because He knew how emotional of an experience He created it to be, which is why it should be within marriage, that one and only special committed person. The best way to keep away from STD's and pregnancy, too simple, abstinence of course! Then the first experience won't be wasted on someone you aren't committing your life to. Condoms, birth control, "safe sex" are all superficial and don't truly offer as much "protection" as everyone would hope. Abstinence is THE one and only surefire way. Abstinenc is not as uncool as teenagers might think.
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2-16-2011 @ 1:19PM
Fran said...Get married first, THEN find out whether or not you enjoy having sex with that person? A little late by then, don't you think, Joey? Boy, am I glad I didn't marry the first person I ever had sex with...or the second, or the third, or...
2-16-2011 @ 1:25PM
Joey said...If you don't give yourself over to someone before marriage, then when you get married, you won't be able to compare your marriage partner to a wild fling you had. Better person is better for you in the long run than better sex. People would be wise to realize that. So YES, MARRIAGE FIRST!
2-16-2011 @ 3:27PM
Alicia said...Condoms and the pill are respectively 99% and 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. Depending on the disease and how it's transferred, condoms are between 70-90% effective. No, it's not 100% but you can't say safe sex is ineffective. I also don't consider losing one's virginity to be terribly emotional. It was certainly painful for me, but I wasn't upset or even very excited. Largely, a hymen is simply an unfortunately-placed membrane with far too much societal importance.
2-17-2011 @ 12:40PM
Amanda said...Spoken like a man who doesn't have to worry about the first time hurting like hell! Not to mention if your first time is your wedding night and your new husband is more experienced than you are (what is with the guys-are-studs, women-are-whores double standard anyway?), you're also going to feel like a total idiot because you don't know what the heck is going on, and you're also going to feel like you're in a race with no hope of catching up!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being monogamous during relationships even if there's no marriage involved and celibate in between them. I am GLAD I was not a virgin when I was married. The first night between me and my husband was far more fulfilling because I knew what felt good for my body and how to please my husband, and I didn't have to worry about the pain of the first time (to say nothing of having to pay for ruined hotel sheets!). I don't consider myself any less of a woman because I wasn't "pure" before marriage, and I say that what works for the gander should also work for the goose. If guys are allowed to have sex outside of marriage without some religion giving them the stink eye, then women should also have that freedom. If you're gonna insist that women stay "pure," then you should also mandate virginity for guys as well!
2-16-2011 @ 11:33AM
Jeanne said...I have always been frank with my teenagers and younger daughter... I have told them that if they don't want to get pregnant (for my son, if he doesn't want to be a dad) don't have sex. Straight up... the only 100% proven effective method for not getting pregnant is abstaining. I have told them this since before they would even be thinking about it, so they know, don't even think about having sex unless you are 100% commited to becoming a parent if it happens, and being commited to that person for the rest of your life as you will always have something between you.
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2-16-2011 @ 1:05PM
Lauren said...I think its really sad that we can't "expect" teenagers to be chaste before marriage. It used to be considered a virtue, an accomplishment, proof that she was a worthy woman. Now people think something is wrong with you if you're a virgin. What are virgins really missing out on? STDs? Knowing the guy you're intimate with has been so with others? Wow, what a way to feel empowered...but seriously. I don't think anything is wrong with encouraging chastity. I think we really sell teens short when we tell them they can't control their desires. We control those things all the time. We don't let people murder just because they have that urge. I know that's a bit of a stretch, but the concept is the same: urges can be controlled and used appropriately.
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2-16-2011 @ 1:32PM
Fran said...How in the world is being a virgin an 'accomplishment'? Yes, it's quite possible to control the urge to have sex, just as it's possible to control the urge to eat chocolate - but why would you want to? If you don't get what virgins are missing out on, then I just have to assume that you have never experienced sex with someone who knows how to make love to a woman properly. Sex is a GOOD thing, people! And it is entirely possible to have a fulfilling sex life without unintended pregnancies or STDs! As for having your heart broken a few times, well, that's an essential part of a full life, in my opinion. My hope for my teenager is that he will have a rich and fulfilling love life, and not get married until he has found the right person to settle down with - which can take a really long time. Why should he have to go without great sex in the meantime? Would I want him to go without food or sleep or shelter or meaningful work?
2-16-2011 @ 3:33PM
Alicia said...I don't think there's anything wrong with being a virgin, but I don't think there's anything wrong with making an informed decision to have protected sex, either. I've dated guys who were determined to abstain until marriage and I respected that decision because it is intensely private and was tied to their belief system. However, I was forced to part ways with one because he constantly hinted that I was less of a person because I had had sex. I've never been ashamed of my choices and I don't regret my decisions but I refuse to listen to people that I am somehow less than for having made them.
2-16-2011 @ 12:19PM
V said...Being an almost 22 year old I am an 'adult' (thought I feel in the vague sense) but still being young enough to understand teenagers I really think that being a teen and being yapped at to 'not do it' and to 'wait' makes it much harder to do just that. It's like when you're a kid at church and something makes you laugh and your parents tell you to 'shhhh' and be quiet, it only makes you laugh harder. If that makes sense.
I also think that teens are underestimated and get a bad rep. Yes, many are making bad choices but generalizing them as 'stupid' and telling them that their generation is making a mess of things only makes it worse, it puts them in the mindset of 'Well, if I'm a stupid teenager, I might as well act like one.' I think, if you don't want a pregnant girl or a son who has to pay child support at 16, or for them to do drug use, you have to engage their minds, give them distractions and ambitions beyond wanting to be on TV. I waited to have sex until I was 18 and in a serious long term relationship and I used all the right protection and spoke to my doctor about it in privet because I wanted to be safe. The only reason I was responsible for that was because I wanted MORE than a guy, I also wanted to be a writer, an artist, a chef and the owner of my own winery (though actually, the winery thing was something I wanted to do in fifth grade after reading one of my dad's books about wine making). I had too many dreams to chase and so I didn't want to ruin that.
Read to them as kids, show them all the world has to offer and all the things they can do in life. My parents were always telling us about all their travels and things that they had seen and it made me want to have my own adventure and to achieve that, getting pregnant had to be avoided because a baby or an illness such as an STD may hamper that.
That's my two cents.
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2-16-2011 @ 12:30PM
chckpope said...Unless you talk to them in Kindergarten then they probably have already heard everything about sex. I thought I'd wait until my son was old enough to understand, so when he was 10yrs old we sat down and he said we already learned about that in school dad. What? Why weren't we told as parents our kids were learning about sex at that age? When I quizzed him he had a pretty good grasp on the subject but I would have preferred to be the one to talk to him first.
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2-16-2011 @ 12:31PM
Pamela said...My 15 year old granddaughter and I have talked about sex. She has said that when she decides, she will go to the doctor to get the pill or IUD (she's leaning towards IUD). I have told her that is great but the male also needs to use condoms -- for disease protection. She has agreed and has said that if the male doesn't want to for some (lame) reason -- FORGET IT! It's not worth the risk.
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2-16-2011 @ 3:35PM
Alicia said...Good for her, though she may face difficulty getting an IUD. I'm 20 and know I want no children of my own (I may adopt someday, but I know I never want to be pregnant) and I cannot find a doctor who will insert one, nor will my insurance cover it if I'm under 30 or childless.